What To Do When…

Your fertility sonographer for the past 2 years is pregnant and you’re not. 

Since this blog is about being real, let me be real and tell you that I wasnt even sure if I wanted to publish this post, because I know some people may misunderstand it and give me flack. I dont really expect those who havent been in my shoes to get it, but I decided this blog isnt about them anyways, so I decided to share it.  

I went in for a scan today to check on the random bleeding thats been happening on the Lupron Depot (results to follow in another post).  As I lay on the table waiting for my nurse to come in, I had a premonition—she was pregnant.  She already has 2 children she conceived easily without assistance. 

Dont ask me why this *all of a sudden* came over me. But it did and I was like “OMG, she is going to walk in here with a big, old bump !”  Well, lo and behold, a few minutes later, she opened that door, and you already know what my eyes were immediately drawn to.

She quickly turned off the lights when she came in, almost like she didnt want me to really have the time to see it. The bump.  Too late, little did she know that I already knew she was pregnant before she even came in.  She sat down next to me right away and started asking me how Id been (I hadnt seen this particular nurse in many months) as she began the scan.  I nonchalantly asked her how she had been; she didnt mention her current state and neither did I. Weird. 

Keep in mind this is the nurse who told us that there was no longer a heart beating in baby Isaiah and I really do love her. She has been there for me on many levels for many years, through good and bad.  That has nothing to do with any of this though. 

As she scanned me, I started to rewind and then fast forward in my mind, imagining hearing those awful words I heard her say before with that massive bump in my face and her moving that wand around in my you-know-what. Ugh. 

When I got home from the appt, I told hubby straight away. He just looked at me and said “seriously?” Its possible that only fellow infertiles will understand the way he said this…S-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. Yes, s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. 

We began discussing how awkward it has to be for her doing her job everyday. I could totally tell she was feeling weird around me. Im quite sure she feels like that around others there too. And honestly, I feel kind of bad for her, because what is she to do, quit her freaking job? Of course not. Hubby suggested maybe fertility clinics only hiring those done reproducing or those who have no interest in it. Im pretty sure that would be discrimination lol. 

Anyways, heres the thing…Im actually in a pretty good spot with my mental (fertility) state right now. Ive been a lot worse off for sure. Had I seen her at a certain point in our journey (aka miscarrying) before I might have lost it. I know for a fact that theres some women at the clinic who might not be in a good place and could easily lose it dealing with that bump on a daily basis. No doubt. I should note that there is 1 other sonographer there that is not pregnant (Ive never had her before). I guess I could always go that route if things go left in our future cycle and I cant handle the bump being so up close and personal. 

Its time, I must ask, have any of you ladies had your nurse/sonographer pregnant during an IVF cycle? Miscarriage? How did you deal? Perhaps I just need some time to accept, and actually acknowledge the pregnancy with her. Today, that didnt happen.