2 Years Ago

A few days ago, Word Press reminded me that I started this blog 2 years ago this March. 


2 years ago at this time I was on a medical leave from my position teaching Fourth Grade. I had just had my 3rd IVF miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant. I was beyond devastated. I chopped off my hair and got 2 tattoos within weeks. I wanted to morph into a different person but I soon realized that wasn’t possible. 

So during my medical leave, I decided I had to find other ways to cope other than taking scissors to my hair or ink to my body.  With the encouragement of close friends & family, I started this blog as an outlet. Up until that time (March 2015), we were quiet about our infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss struggles. Only those closest to us knew we had been trying to conceive for close to 7 yrs, had underwent both his & her surgeries, failed IUIs, IVF cycles, and miscarried 6 embryos with 2 still frozen. 

It felt SO amazing to come out of what I like to call the “infertility closet.” I decided from the start not to make my blog anonymous, to even link it to my FB page. I wanted the world to know that I was not a mean bitch when I didnt come to your baby shower, or your kid’s 1st birthday…or when I walked away as you gleefully told everyone what gender you were expecting. I wanted them to know that I had just learned we lost another baby, a healthy baby boy with no explanation. That I just had a D & C for the fourth time. That we had just thrown another 10,000 down the drain. That I wasnt being lazy when I called into work sick yet again. I wanted to be understood finally!

And I was. In fact, I had more than one person tell me that they had misjudged me before they knew our story.  To think if I had never started sharing they would have never knew the real me, well I cant even imagine that now. 

To some, I might share too much, but I have found being an open (and honest) book is what works. To ME, it is far better than leading a life no one knows exists.  That said, I found it pretty cool to see how much this blog has been a part of my life…


You can see that when at the lowest point in our journey (March 2015-June 2015), I was sometimes blogging multiple times a day. Sure, things have changed now, but I am still proud to say I havent missed a month. I guess you could say blogging is sort of therapy for me. 

Here’s to another 2 years Word Press! 

I Will Never Forget 

Although we have finally made it to a point in our pregnancy where we are very hopeful we will bring our rainbow baby home, it doesnt mean I will ever forget. 

I’ll never forget the sleepless nights dreaming of what it would be like to become pregnant and watch my belly grow. To feel life inside of me. 

I’ll never forget the desperation every month to see 2 pink lines. The timed intercourse over & over again, the old wives tales I held on to, organic foods I stuffed myself with, and the vitamins I overdosed with time & time again. 

I’ll never forget the disappointment and heartache month after month when it never happened on its own. Ever. 

I’ll never forget how scary every single treatment I had was. Every shot, ultrasound, IV of anesthesia, blood draw, d & c, egg retrieval, fibroid removal, hysteroscopy, HSG, tube removal, MRI, SIS, and transfer.

The various emotions I felt monthly, if not daily…bitterness, denial, hope, sadness, excitement, fear, anger, love, jealousy, peace, rage, the list goes on. 

I’ll never forget all the 2 week waits and the bargains I tried to make with God. If you….then I’ll…

I’ll never forget all the arguments and money spent trying to have a baby, something that should be so easy. 

I’ll never forget how I had to put my career on hold to be able to carry our baby. Something most women can do without a problem. Why couldnt I be normal too? 

I’ll never forget all the tears shed every pregnancy that was stolen from us.

I’ll never forget what it was like to hold my breath everytime I went to the bathroom pregnant, praying for no blood. 

I’ll never forget all the family and friend gatherings I avoided over the years to remain somewhat sane. 

I’ll never forget the anger and why’s I yelled out to God. 

I’ll never forget all of the endless trips to the doctor and psychologist. The anxiety attacks, nightmares, and medications that followed. 

I’ll never forget all the nights I tried to self numb my pain and distract myself but it never worked. Shopping trips, yoga, girls nights, drinks, date nights, you name it. 

I’ll never forget all of those pregnancy announcements that seemed to come so easy for some. The endless bump shots and ultrasound photos I couldnt bare to see at times. 

I’ll never forget what it feels like to be left behind or misunderstood. Gut wrenching. 

I’ll never forget the conversations based solely around kids and being the only one in the group without one. Trying to find an excuse to get away before bursting into tears. 

I’ll never forget what it was like to fake a smile just to get through the days without having to explain. 

I’ll never forget the support of those who picked me up when I needed it the most. 

I’ll never forget all of the people in this community who helped me realize I wasnt alone. Oh the gratitude. 

I’ll never forget all the babies we lost. Every date is forever in my heart. 

I’ll never forget that we are in fact infertiles and suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. 

And I’ll never truly feel we “beat infertility” as it will always be a part of us. Always. 

Name Reveal!

Our miracle baby boy’s name is finalized. 

We have had many years as we struggled with infertility and loss to ponder names. 

When choosing a name, what matters most to us is that it have strong meaning behind it. I have always preferred a biblical name to give God thanks for what he has done for us. 

This being said, his name will be Isaac William.

Isaac means “laughter” or “he laughs,” and William means “protector.”  

There is meaning behind both. Here is a little background of Isaac in the bible-


After God fulfilled his promise and Sarah gave birth, He told them to name their child, Isaac, meaning laughter. Isaac went on to live a godly life, marrying Rebecca, who was also barren for a time like his mother. Never giving up faith, Isaac and Rebecca went on to eventually have twins of their own. If you would like to read more, you can find the story of his life in the book of Genesis in the bible. 

As for his middle name, William is after hubby’s paternal grandfather, and also after the middle name of our son who passed away in February of 2015 (Isaiah William).

We hope you love it as much as we do. 

We just cant wait to meet Isaac William this winter 💙

A Miracle in the Making 

I wont keep anyone waiting for this update, because I know how many of you have reached out over the past few days with prayers and support and are following along.  

We went in today for my 7 week ultrasound (well, 6w6d) and my post-op. I was very nervous to go, and told hubby I didnt even want to go at one point. My nerves were confirmed by my blood pressure reading before the scan. It was off the chart. 

Right away, my RE was able to find the heartbeat! It had increased from 115bpm to 130bpm as it should. Baby measured exactly on track. We listened for awhile and just held hands and smiled. I thanked God out loud & said what a miracle.


She then checked my incisions and said things appear to he healing as they should. We looked over all the gory pics from the operation as well. Yuk! Lastly, she noticed 2 small subchorionic bleeds during the scan and wants me on bedrest until my next scan at 8 weeks. So I got a doctors note, hubby took it to my job, and we are all set there. Im going to do my best not to worry about these bleeds. I know how common they are, and that baby has shown to be a fighter so far. We can only pray baby stays this way!

Thanks to my wonderful co-workers/friends, I have some reading to keep me company over the next week or so! They put together a lovely care package for me and had flowers delivered. Feeling incredibly blessed today. 

Faith 

The ups & downs of pregnancy after loss continue. I do feel like I am starting to get a little bit accustomed to it which seems bizarre since its so early on (6 weeks, 3 days).  

The bleeding stopped for a few days & has revisited as of last night. I had some slight cramping (for about 10 minutes) and when I went to the bathroom, pink it was. I showed my mom today because I cant really decide if its bleeding or spotting, and she said its spotting. This makes me feel somewhat better. Hubs says the same. At most, I have like a quarter size drop of blood on a pad over like a 5 or 6 hour span.  Thanks to all the ladies out there who have reached out to me & comforted me with their stories of bleeding during pregnancy that did not end in miscarriage. That & God get me through these long days. 

Anyways, due to my wonderful aunts who were in not long ago from out of state, my mom & I had about $250 worth of free coupons to a local department store here in town. When they were here, they earned “bucks” for all their purchases and the bucks could only be used on certain (future) dates. Well, the date for the bucks to be redeemed was today & they have already gone back north. Hence, we got to spend the bucks! Awesome right?

Despite all the bleeding, and doubting, and how early on the pregnancy is, we decided to spend the free money on baby items. Meaning, we decided to choose faith & believe as much as possible today that this is our take home baby. Let me tell you, doing this was not easy at all for me.  In fact, I had a lot of fear, knowing things could easily go left at anytime.  But I have to try and embrace this. 

Here is a pic of what we got (tried to keep it gender neutral)–


Adorable right?!? I also got a casual blue dress that I will wear to one of my bestest friends gender reveal this upcoming weekend. I havent mentioned it before, but she is about 3 months ahead of me. We are both so excited to go through this together & I pray everyday it continues to stay this way.  Ive already lost several pregnancies while pregnant at the same time as close friends. It sucks to say the least. 

Symptoms? 

Pimples!! I never break out but right now I have about 4 popping up. Extreme thirst in the middle of the night. Peeing all the time, & pretty tired. Mostly hungry this week rather than a lot of aversions. Craving fried food, I know, bad!

Praying for a heartbeat this Thursday at our ultrasound. Praying to defy all the odds stacked against us. It would be really really nice to have a Mothers Day down in the books without so much heartache. Please pray for us. 

If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It

I had a pregnancy dream last night. Only my second one ever. 

The first one I had was while I was pregnant back in 2014, and that dream ended with me miscarrying. So, more of a nightmare than a dream I suppose. And oddly enough, that nightmare was right before our first miscarriage. It was awful, I chalked it up to nothing, but about a week later I found myself living it…the nightmare came true. Well, that was the past and the past is the past, right? 

Last night I was pregnant in my dream. Like I had a big belly and all. I was rubbing my belly and showing our baby love. The dream was quite vivid, and I even had my water break in it. We were at home when it broke, I was calm about it, and we made it to the hospital in time to deliver a healthy baby. We held the baby and were full of joy! Everything went as it should. No gender was revealed during the dream. 

This dream is another milestone for me to document in our journey. It showed us making it through a full term pregnancy, and bringing home a happy, healthy child. It felt incredibly real; you know how those dreams are. It brings so much hope for this upcoming transfer!

FET #3: Stims Day 1-4

I have tried to set a daily (home) routine for this cycle. So far stims days 1-4 have gone like this:

Before work:

  • Wake up & make a vanilla flavored protein shake containing acai, maca, pomegranate, bananas, avocado, & almond milk. Sounds like a lot of random stuff mixed together, but its actually really tasty and filling! 
  • Take all oral meds (Estrace, baby aspirin, prenatal)
  • Do Lupron stomach injection 
  • Today was the first day I cut out coffee! 

After work:

  • Cook a healthy dinner
  • Take a candlelight bubble bath while drinking my raspberry leaf tea (2 cups per night)
  • Read our couples devotional together 
  • Listen to my Circle + Bloom meditation CD as I put my legs up the wall (fell asleep like this the other night)

 

  • Do ass injection (only every 3 days for now). Have 2 down so far. Bled during 2nd one. Ugh. 
  • Early bedtime!

Tonight I went to acupuncture for the first time during this FET cycle. Ive done it during all our prior cycles. Its a must for me! Ill be going weekly for now. I go to the same lady each time. She goes the extra mile for me, massages my neck and feet, helps me with visualization, and so on. Tonight she asked me if it will be a girl or a boy, and I told her GIRL for sure! She smiled. 

Overall, I feel pretty good. Headaches here and there since the estrogen started this week, and some emotional bits too. Hopefully I can keep that under wraps and not fly off the handle completely. I went from being in a menopausal state for months, to the polar opposite. I dont think it helps either that our state testing is in about a week. Kids are stressed to the max and so I am.  

Ready for April to be here already!