Who Am I?

For so many years I was the “infertile” one. The one who desperately yearned for a baby. The one who repeatedly underwent procedure after procedure to finally get pregnant, only to then lose the long awaited for pregnancy. The one who everyone eagerly waited for updates from to see if I was indeed expecting, or “still” expecting. Then, one day, the stars aligned, everything fell into place, and I had my baby. My miracle.

We went through the newborn sleep deprived phase, followed by all the milestones and first holidays. Infertility was not given much thought as life seemed to naturally be a blur at times. Next came the “do we want another”? baby phase, and subsequent fertility treatments. And just like that, I was once again the “infertile” one, the one everyone kept in their prayers and watched for updates from. I was right back where I had been for so long before, it almost felt as if my normal life returned and I had just been on a vacation from infertile me.

When our last ditch effort for a sibling failed, it would only seem suiting then that I seriously began to ponder, “Who am I”? or rather “Who will I be now that I am not trying to have a baby anymore”?

I have spent the last month or so trying to find out. Find the person I was wayyy long ago, before infertility and loss started robbing me of so much of “me.” I have my rainbow, and now I am on the journey to finding me again. Wish me luck.

8 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. Though we all have different outcomes and lives I think we all go through the process of rediscovering who we are. At least for me I don’t think I’ll ever be the happy positive outlook upbeat person I was before infertility. For a long time I tried to be and was never able to. What I’ve been able to do is find different things that bring my joy and just be who I am in the moment rather than trying to rediscover the past or create the life that never will be. I try not to think to much about finding me as I am just try to live and see where life takes me.

    I wish you the best of luck working through this all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes yes yes. I am sure that you will find pieces of who you were in the past, and also new sides of yourself and the woman you are now. We lose so much of ourselves through the struggle and also with trying to be so “perfect” at everything (at least, I do that) and really we should put more focus on ourselves. xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

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