Time Line

We are currently trying to make a few decisions about when I should begin the Lupron. After getting all the insurance approvals, the pharmacy finally called this week and it should be delivered to me sometime next week.  

Basically, we have to decide if we should-

  1. Start the Lupron mid-November. This would mean I would finish it mid-February, and transfer in mid-March.
  2. Start the Lupron in early December, finish it in early March, and transfer in early April. 
  3. Wait until the new year to start it, finish it in early April, and transfer early May.

Now keep in mind all of these scenarios would mean the mass was proven to be shrunk via Hysteroscopy and conditions were right for transfer. 

Here is the dilemma, or dilemmas should I say with each option above-

  1. If we start the Lupron mid-November it will mean a few things. One, I will be on it when we go on vacation for Thanksgiving, which means I will very likely be experiencing the brunt of the side effects then. I was really hoping to just relax on our trip. Also, with this start date comes a mid-March transfer. The positive to that is that it would be around my spring break since I am a teacher.  But here comes the negative…our state testing is in early April this year. So, if we became pregnant mid-March, I would be only about 7 weeks along come state testing. During testing, we have to walk around our rooms non stop for 90 minutes a day and the stress levels are high. I encountered our first miscarriage during state testing back in April 2014. It would be almost exactly 2 years ago this happened, can we say Deja Vu? 
  2. With option 2, not starting the Lupron until December, I could enjoy our Thanksgiving trip unmedicated. The problem with this would be that transfer will likely fall early April and in that case, it could land right upon our testing days. There is no way to tell now if it would exactly but by my calculations, there is a high probability. This being said, I would have to miss administering the tests.
  3. Option 3, waiting until the new year to start to begin the meds. I really dont want to wait that long to start, because logically speaking it is giving the mass more time to grow. This is a big deal to us. But on the other hand, a May transfer is nice as a teacher. God forbid something go wrong, summer is almost here. And this year we actually get out of school in May. 

I guess it boils down to whether or not I want to be medicated on our trip, and whether or not I am going to let my job control my decision. 

Ideally, work aside, I would like to go with the middle choice I think (start meds after the trip in early December, transfer early April).  Anyone have some thoughts on this? Thanks! 

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Fashion Fix

I love fashion, specifically clothes. Although I love attire, I wouldnt say I am what you call “fashionable.” I try, but I dont have that natural gift of it.
I also love shopping.  I used to love physically heading out to the mall to shop, but as time goes by, I enjoy that part of it less and less. Now I really only enjoy going out and shopping for household furniture, knacks, and such.  I dont know why the shift in disliking going out and shopping for clothes occurred, but nevertheless it did. 

If I had to guess, I would say I stopped enjoying it around the time we started our first IVF. Why? Well, for one, IVF cycles change your body.  So does being pregnant 3 times in less than a year and miscarrying.  In addition, I think once I became pregnant, I started wanting to “nest” more, which involved going out and buying things other than clothes for myself.  

A friend of mine mentioned an online shopping site, Stitch Fix, not too long ago.  I have never been a huge fan of online shopping because I have a tough enough time fitting in things just right as is. But when she told me she had the same issues, and this site was different, I figured I would give it a try (hey, I wouldnt have to leave home so what the heck!).

Im guessing plenty of you know about Stitch Fix already, and might have even used it (sorry to bore you).  Basically, you go online and create a profile and they ask you a bunch of questions about your style, assign you a personal stylist, and then send you items based on your style. 

You can sign up to receive a delivery of 5 items every month, every other, or every 3. When the items arrive, you have 3 days to decide whether or not you want to keep any of them. At that time, you log on to your account, pay for what you want, and send back what you dont in the pre-paid bag.  Im all about easy, and this seemed easy to me. 

Here is what I received with my first shipment (each item comes with a cute style card):

   
    
  

Keeping! Couldnt believe they fit perfect! Jeans are always hard for me
  
  
Returning! Cute, but I have enough and prefer solid cardigans

   

Undecided…

  

Keeping! Totally my style to a T!

Modeling the keepers!
 
Returning! I have a sickness, and its that I cant do cheap purses no matter how hard I try.
  
Overall, I am very pleased! My hubby and I both really loved the jeans and flowing blouse. I plan to sign up for the every 3 month delivery (great pick me up delivered to my doorstep every once in awhile!). I think the once a month is a little too much for my beer budget, and every 3 months is about how often I used to hit up the mall. Like I said, I am all about easy when it comes to clothes shopping now adays…if you are too, check it out! 

Lupron Update 

Last week, we decided we would be moving forward with ordering the Lupron Depot intramuscular injections. These will be given once per month for 3 months in hopes of shrinking the Adenomyoma in my uterus.
My nurse originally informed me that this particular dosage of Lupron would be rather expensive, and that it is usually a battle with insurance for any coverage of it.  She also mentioned that there were coupons out there that may be able to bring down the cost a little. I used coupons like this with my Crinone and Mini-velle in previous FET cycles so I am familiar with them. 

To be honest, I was pretty annoyed that it would be costly, especially since the regular dose of the subcutaneous Lupron is not expensive at all (like 120 bucks for a bottle that lasts about 3 months).  Also, the idea of spending a lot on medications that arent directly linked to a transfer is tough to swallow. 

Anyways, I heard back today on the final cost… 

  
God is good my friends! I was floored by this good news. Keep the positive vibes coming! 

Will update when the goods arrive…

Enjoying the Moments

I caught myself singing along happily to the radio as I drove to work this morning. Lets just say that hasnt happened in a loonnng time…

I noticed how I felt full inside, I felt hopeful, peaceful, and content about my future. As I realized how I felt, I thanked God that I do (even though it still puzzles me that I am feeling this way). For once, I do not feel any pressure or the urge to do something. 

Thats when I decided that I will continue to enjoy living in these happy moments as they come instead of doubting them.  I say this because this morning it dawned on me that one day things will likely all be so different.

One day I will have my babies to feed as I try to wolf down my own meal.

One day I will have my babies to change as I yearn for a shower or a bubble bath that is almost unheard of.

One day I will have my babies to put to bed and wake up with numerous times a night as I am in a half dead, sleep deprived state.

One day I will take them to their very first day of school as I rush to get ready for my own first day with my students.

One day I will watch them play sports, help them with their homework, listen to their stories, and cook them dinner after a long day of my own.

One day I will lay smashed in my bed with our kids, dogs, and us, trying to remember what it was like just the two of us. 

One day I will I will hear laughs, screams, cries, and noises all day and all night, forgetting what the silence I now know is like. 

One day I will be spending all of my money on field trips, school supplies, clothes, and toys instead of purses, jewelry, and spontaneous getaways. 

Would anyone in the infertile world want to miss out on any of these “one day” moments I described for the latter “all about me” moments I described? 

Of course not; I cant wait for those wonderful, one day moments.  I dream about them all the time.  And I know that all of the moms out there are thinking, “I wouldnt trade them for the world.” I get it, because I consider myself a mom although my children never walked the Earth.  

But I used to dream about many of the moments I am living now, too.

I used to dream of owning our own home.

I used to dream of marrying my husband and knowing I would get to sleep next to him every night.

I used to dream of having a career where I could teach and make a difference in kids lives.

I used to dream of getting my masters degree and teaching at a college. 

I used to dream of being able to have the funds to go shopping, and travel on my own schedule. 

All of these moments came true, even though at times they seemed almost out of reach.

My point is that today, as I sung to that radio, I felt at TOTAL peace that my “one day” moments with our babies will come. Its like something just clicked. How amazing is that? I think its pretty amazing! 

So, in the meantime, I am going to try and keep enjoying all of the moments I earned -that once seemed impossible- instead of focusing on the ones I dont have. 

Soulmates-My Baby, Her Belly 

We meet tons of people throughout the span of our lives. Maybe you have heard the saying, “some people come into our lives and quickly go, others stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.”  I believe we can categorize these people into groups based on our relationships with them.

  1. People we never say more than 2 or 3 words to such as “hi and “how are you” in passing just to be polite (a co-worker in a large firm, a fellow jogger or person waiting in line with you). 
  2. People we wish we would have never said more than 2 or 3 words to, unfortunately did, and now avoid them at all costs (acquaintances, ex-boyfriends, or friends turned bad). 
  3. People we interact with for professional, need based reasons (hairdressers, postmen, bankers, doctors, realtors, etc.) 
  4. People we deal with only on or at special occassions because we feel obligated to do so (fellow Christmas party goers and wedding party guests, great aunts and uncles we havent seen in 15 years, or any family member that we are distant from). 
  5. People we enjoy spending our time with and vice versa (good friends & family). 
  6. People who we cannot imagine not having in our lives for its entirety, who we would do anything for, and vice versa (soulmates). 

*Note-these are all totally subjective generalizations; yes there are surely exceptions and overlaps depending on who you ask.  

To most, a soulmate is looked at as 1 romantic, intimate life partner. I too, look at my husband as my 1 and only romantic soulmate.  But is it possible to have a soulmate that has nothing to do with romance? 

I would say so; I would say it all depends on your definition of a soulmate. To me, the defintion of a soulmate is what I described in category #6 above.  For this reason, I also consider my mom to be my soulmate. I could even go as far as saying I consider my furbabies to be too.  The past few weeks, I was really reminded that I am blessed to have friends in my life that are my soulmates as well. 

  

A few weeks back, after our FET was cancelled and we got the bad MRI report, I was feeling pretty down. Literally, I was in bed crying, thinking about how weak I am, and how I wanted to give up, when my husband brought in an unexpected card from a cat 6 friend and handed it to me. It was exactly what I needed at exactly that moment.  

  

A few days later, I sat and cried again, staring at the computer screen. I had just researched the cost of an average carrier in the U.S….$50,000, with the most expensive part being hiring someone you do not know to carry. We knew there was no way this could ever be afforded.  Ever.  And we were so frustrated that neither one of us have a sister to even consider asking for help.  Neither one of us would ever as a friend, its just too much to expect of someone in our opinions.  But having someone you know as the carrier significantly reduces the cost. 

Next thing I know, my husband hands me more unexpected deliveries from another friend from category 6.  Again, the timing was nothing short of a miracle from above.  

These cards were numbered in the order to be opened

If you have been following our infertility, IVF, and RPL battle you know that eventually we *may* be faced with pursuing our family through a gestational carrier.  I said in my post yesterday that I had some uplifting, positive fertility news to tell. I am not going to go into detail about it, but I will share this much-one of my cat 6 friends, who has been following our story all along, who is one of my soulmates, has extended the offer of carrying our child for us should it come to it in the future.  She said it would be an honor to do so.  

There are really no words that can describe this incredible, selfless offer or the magnitude of our wonderful friendship. 

For those of you who are struggling, who think everything seems impossible, and who are feeling that there is no hope left-my husband and I get it. We really do. In fact, just a day before this offer we said we might as well give up on our dream of our family. But I want to remind you that there is always hope my friends.  Just when you are at your weakest and about to give up, God will remind you there is hope. 

Busy Weekend Actively Coping 

If you read my last post about my therapy session with Dr. G, you would know I am trying to live through my grief by actively coping. Basically, this equates to living my life as happily as I can while still stuck in the thros of IVF and RPL. 

Thursday kicked off my weekend since Friday was a teacher workday.  Anyone who teaches knows that the days without the children are pretty much considered days off.  This being said, I went out with an old friend for dinner and drinks Thursday night.  I hadnt seen her in several months so it was nice to catch up and have some laughs.  

Although Friday was a day without students, it still ended up being a whirlwind of a day. I had to attend professional development, get grades and comments done for report cards, and decorate my door for Red Ribbon Week (drug prevention program).  I ended up working from 7:45 until 6:15.  Long day, but got what I needed to accomplished.  

My last name is Fish so I am always using my name to my advantage! The kids love it! They each got a sea creature and a speech bubble for their drug free message.

Saturday I woke up and started grading college work for the online class I teach. Of course, grades are due for both of my jobs at the same time.  After getting most of it done, and running some errands, I took a break and hit the pool with a friend for a few hours. So relaxing! 
Later, it was time to hit the 8th Annual Halloween party we attend each year. Hubs and I had originally planned to go as clowns, but made a switch at the last minute. I guess you could say we were rocking a “western theme.” The party was a blast! The decorations, food, games, and people were all amazing.  

 

On our way to the rodeo
 
Today, I woke up feeling quite exhausted from being on the run for 3 days.  It still didnt stop though! My friend and I planned to attend a craft show in a cute part of town.  We browsed and had lunch, both feeling a little rough from the late night before.  Look at what I got, adorable…

  
Eventually, I came home, finalized the college course grades, and did some house work.  Not much house work might I add. My husband is off Tuesday and he said he will take care of it then…thank God! I am beat and its back to the grind tomorrow.  Not only is it of the start of Quarter 2 at school, but a new college course I am teaching starts up this week.  Ugh. 

Oh, and how could I forget to tell you that none other than my lovely period graced me with her presence today…4 DAYS LATE.  Im never late, but knew better than to think I could be pregnant, especially when not even trying (thats what happens to normal couples lol).  So, I just took a bubble bath, some motrin, and put on the heating pad.  

I do have some upbeat, positive fertility news to share sometime this week. Stay tuned! 

And Then There Was None

I thought I would share our tribute from last night, which was October 15, also now known to me as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

  
We have had these beautiful rose petal candles for awhile now. I knew I wanted to use them in some way to represent our losses and/or babies. 

Rather than lighting at 7 p.m. like many did around the world, I lit close to midnight.  I had no idea how hard it would be to light them.  Forget lighting being hard, blowing them out was by far the hardest part.  

I had my husband blow out the last candle, in the center, baby blue for our sweet Isaiah.  

  
I was thinking of all of you out there last night who lit candles too.