Happiness is…

Ordering socks online. 

Not just any socks either. 

We are talking those designer socks. 

Lucky socks. 

A.k.a. IVF cycle socks! 

I must admit this is my first time getting fancy socks before a transfer, but I see so  many ladies on my Instagram account making the most out of their crappy infertility situation and adding some fun to it with these socks. 

So today, I took a step of faith and humor at the same time- faith that I will be wearing these humurous socks soon. 

I got 3 pairs and hubby helped me pick them out!

•  1 pair for FET day- ((knee high black BadAss socks))
• 1 pair for 1dp5dt, or day 1 of bedrest- ((yellow crew stork socks))
• 1 pair for 2dp5dt, or day 2 of bedrest-((pineapple socks)) *if you dont know the wives tale about pineapple post transfer look it up😉

   

A fellow blogging friend of mine, who is a survivor of recurrent pregnancy loss will finally bring her rainbow baby into the world soon. She recently inspired me to do some things during the next 2WW that show I believe this is going to work. I havent ever taken any brave action during the actual 2WW’s before to show my faith. Peeing on a stick probably doesnt count Im guessing. Lol. 

When she told me she bought a couple baby things during her 2ww because she had to believe it was going to work that time, I made the decision in my heart thats what I need to do too, hence the socks! 

What We Will Do If…

We find out during my hysteroscopy that the mass has NOT shrunk from these Lupron injections? 

This has been the topic of conversation the past few nights in our household. 

We easily reached an agreement that might sound absurd to some–

We will transfer our embryos anyways. 

Yes, you heard right. 

Why? Well, for starters we already tried surgery in May of 2015 to remove the mass and it failed. We do not want to go that route again and we have informed our RE of this decision already and she respects it. 

Secondly, we will have tried medically managing the mass through the Lupron. If this did not work, we will not do it again obviously. 

Third, plenty of women have successful pregnancies with fibroids or masses in their cavities. Even my OB and RE support this fact. 

You might be wondering why we even cared about the mass to begin with then?

Why not have just transferred months ago? 

The answer is simple…

After 3 miscarriages, we all wanted to give it our best shot. We want my uterus to be as healthy as possible for a baby. 

If we hadnt ever miscarried, and just found a fibroid, we probably would have just transferred as many do. But that was not the case. 

Moving forward, we now know that we have done everything we possibly could have done. We pray it works for us. 

Scan Results

I went in for a scan this week after some extended, random bleeding during month 2 of the Lupron Depot injections.  
Upon arrival, I asked my sonographer what would be the worst case scenario scan wise, and the best case scenario scan wise at this point. 

Worst cases-super thick lining (usually the best case scenario during a cycle, so totally backwards from the normal expectation) OR really, really thin lining. 

Best case scenario-thin (but not too thin lol) lining (what you usually dont want during a cycle, backwards again!)

Anyways, she said she wanted my RE to review the images to be sure, but told me on the spot the measurements and that she believed they fell into the best case category.  

Not too long after, my RE left me a message on my cell with the details. Best case scenario it is! Nothing abnormal on the ultrasound… Thank God. 

So, in the end, my blood levels are as they should be, and my scan is as it should be.  I havent bled in several days either, so I think its behind us. Im going with the idea that the bleeding was that mass leaving! 

Now, I need to call back and confirm the date of my hysteroscopy tomorrow; my RE mentioned setting it up for next month on the message she left. I thought it would be in March. I cant believe we are already talking about this!! 

After the hysteroscopy, it will be go time before we know it ((I pray)). 

January 28, 2015

  

A year ago today we found out we lost baby B, but that baby A, who we later named Isaiah (above), was measuring perfect at 8w4d, and his heart was beating just as it should.  

   
    

I remember how he was jumping around like a little jelly bean during the ultrasound! We could even see his little feet! 

My singleton due date was officially set for 9-5-14.  

Little did we know we would not make it until that day with him, or even get to see another ultrasound of him alive. 

Always thinking of you, and trying to make you proud of your mommy, my precious angel babies 💙💗

What To Do When…

Your fertility sonographer for the past 2 years is pregnant and you’re not. 

Since this blog is about being real, let me be real and tell you that I wasnt even sure if I wanted to publish this post, because I know some people may misunderstand it and give me flack. I dont really expect those who havent been in my shoes to get it, but I decided this blog isnt about them anyways, so I decided to share it.  

I went in for a scan today to check on the random bleeding thats been happening on the Lupron Depot (results to follow in another post).  As I lay on the table waiting for my nurse to come in, I had a premonition—she was pregnant.  She already has 2 children she conceived easily without assistance. 

Dont ask me why this *all of a sudden* came over me. But it did and I was like “OMG, she is going to walk in here with a big, old bump !”  Well, lo and behold, a few minutes later, she opened that door, and you already know what my eyes were immediately drawn to.

She quickly turned off the lights when she came in, almost like she didnt want me to really have the time to see it. The bump.  Too late, little did she know that I already knew she was pregnant before she even came in.  She sat down next to me right away and started asking me how Id been (I hadnt seen this particular nurse in many months) as she began the scan.  I nonchalantly asked her how she had been; she didnt mention her current state and neither did I. Weird. 

Keep in mind this is the nurse who told us that there was no longer a heart beating in baby Isaiah and I really do love her. She has been there for me on many levels for many years, through good and bad.  That has nothing to do with any of this though. 

As she scanned me, I started to rewind and then fast forward in my mind, imagining hearing those awful words I heard her say before with that massive bump in my face and her moving that wand around in my you-know-what. Ugh. 

When I got home from the appt, I told hubby straight away. He just looked at me and said “seriously?” Its possible that only fellow infertiles will understand the way he said this…S-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. Yes, s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. 

We began discussing how awkward it has to be for her doing her job everyday. I could totally tell she was feeling weird around me. Im quite sure she feels like that around others there too. And honestly, I feel kind of bad for her, because what is she to do, quit her freaking job? Of course not. Hubby suggested maybe fertility clinics only hiring those done reproducing or those who have no interest in it. Im pretty sure that would be discrimination lol. 

Anyways, heres the thing…Im actually in a pretty good spot with my mental (fertility) state right now. Ive been a lot worse off for sure. Had I seen her at a certain point in our journey (aka miscarrying) before I might have lost it. I know for a fact that theres some women at the clinic who might not be in a good place and could easily lose it dealing with that bump on a daily basis. No doubt. I should note that there is 1 other sonographer there that is not pregnant (Ive never had her before). I guess I could always go that route if things go left in our future cycle and I cant handle the bump being so up close and personal. 

Its time, I must ask, have any of you ladies had your nurse/sonographer pregnant during an IVF cycle? Miscarriage? How did you deal? Perhaps I just need some time to accept, and actually acknowledge the pregnancy with her. Today, that didnt happen. 

Anniversary Trip

Totally stoked to share that we have booked a cruise to the Bahamas for our 9 year wedding anniversary this August! 

Originally, we were looking to book a trip for our 10 year anniversary in August of 2017, but we soon realized that there were some really great deals out there that we could take advantage of this summer.  

Thanks to all of your suggestions in one of my prior posts, we had so many amazing destinations to investigate! We ended up going with a cruise to the Bahamas for a few major reasons:

1. We have never been there
2. We live in South Florida, so its just a hop, skip, & a jump away
3. We have cruised once before & enjoyed it 
4. We *may* be pregnant (20 weeks to be exact if we transfer in April) and do not want to fly anywhere if we are.

There are so many areas of the Bahamas to explore, and the cruise will only touch a few of them. If we like the islands, our idea is to return next year for our 10 year, and stay at an all-inclusive resort like Sandals in Exuma Bay (you can swim with pigs here!!!)
We did this very same thing with our engagement and honeymoon-we first cruised to various parts of Mexico during our engagement, loved it, and decided to honeymoon at a resort there the following year, which we loved even more.  So thats the plan with the Bahamas. 

Im so darn excited people! Hubby & I have already started looking into our excursions and what not. As of now, we have a few things booked, but they could easily change over the next couple of months. One of the excursions we booked is swimming with the sting rays (not happening if preggo) and another is a snorkeling beach day.  We also booked a couples massage, which we have never done before! Hopefully we will get to see some entertaining shows and hit up the casino for some fun as well.  

Another special part of the cruise is that our room has a balcony. When we cruised before we had an inside room and had no issues with it, in fact it was really dark and thus we slept quite well. However, we both like the idea of having a cocktail or ordering room service and dining on our balcony just the 2 of us if we feel like it! So exciting…and whats even more exciting is that it could be our babymoon!!!! 

Fears

Tonight, some fears came up between hubby and I in conversation. 

It started when a girl I follow via a FB group posted that she gave birth to a stillborn earlier today.  I was scrolling through, came across it, and a lump immediately formed in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly read it to my hubby. We just stared at each other blankly. 

And then after a few moments, “I dont know if I can handle something like that,” came out of his mouth as he stared at me. 

My hubby never says he cant handle things when its come to all this IVF and pregnancy loss stuff, so I didnt really know what to say.  Usually Im the one saying I cant handle it.

Im not sure how it happened, perhaps it was the fear taking over us, but we ended up getting into a disagreement.  

When we started talking about if that happened to us after all we have already endured, what we would do, what we would not do, how we would cope, move forward, etc. and basically, we were not seeing eye to eye. Im not going to get into all the details, but we ended up deciding it would be better to continue the conversation at another time rather than get more heated. 

Its easy to say we shouldnt be worrying about something that hasnt even happened to us. That its impossible to know how we would react in a situation such as this. To be positive about our future. I get all that. We really try to be.  But when it happens to someone in the community like it did today, it hits home. And the truth is, Ive always been positive about my pregnancies, but that didnt save any of them. Im at the point where I need to be positive, but also realistic.  

Its incredibly frightening to think we could endure another loss. Every loss has been a later loss than the time before. 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 10 weeks. But its also very difficult to think of giving up on our dreams because of our fears. Fear is not from above. 

I guess I just want us to be as united as we can be, no matter what situation, good or bad, comes our way.  

A Scare

Things have been relatively uneventful on the Lupron Depot the past 2 months as Ive said. That was until last week. 

When I first started my menstrual cycle early last week, it was right on time and rather light. I expected it to be light as my RE told me it would be and I also read that it would be.  And my cycles are light to begin with anyways.  

Well that “lightness” lasted about 3 days. Then it got pretty heavy, and that has continued on and off now for about 8 or 9 days. Usually my cycle only lasts 4 days max. Ive lost track of exactly how many days its been going on to be honest. 

I figured I should inform my RE of what was occurring, so I did, and she ordered me to get blood drawn ASAP. There was an immediate concern that the Lupron might not be doing what it should be doing… *SIGH*… seriously?

  

Side note: I cringed when I saw the word “STAT” on the order.  Havent seen that since my beta hell days.  

Well, I got my results back, and thankfully, all of my levels are as they should be if the Lupron is (trying) to do its job shrinking this mass. However, Im still bleeding. My RE doesnt think this is normal, so I am headed in for a scan in a few days just to be safe and cover all our bases. 

Dont ask me what safe would be at this point, because I have no freaking clue. Over the years, Ive learned not to ask too many questions ahead of time, because it can all change at the drop of a hat anyways. I am pretty sure I heard her say something about checking my lining, but I just said “okay.” Ill figure it all out soon enough when I see her. 

Praying that it looks as it should because gosh darn it already….shouldnt something just be easy?!?!

Fri-yay Funnies

A few smiles to get your Friday started. I hope it’s short & your weekend long my friends! 

   
    
 

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

Last week, I was majorly stressing a few things. But today, I am totally breathing a sigh of relief.

My formal observation is over and it went great.

Our flooring has been installed in our master bedroom and looks beautiful.*

We are more than halfway through our Lupron treatment. 

My doggie had a simple stomach bug and is completely better now. 

Our anniversary trip for 2016, not 2017, is booked and I cannot wait.*

When I got weighed yesterday, I was back down to my normal weight again. 

The Bachelor is back on, hallelujah.

Thanks to MLK, my Monday is actually today, which makes for a short work week. 

And that’s all folks…hope you have a fabulous week! 

*posts to follow soon 😊