Tips Needed 

Okay ladies! Its time for you to give me all the tips you have on intramuscular  injections like PIO and Del Estrogen.  I know if anyone has the best kept secrets its you all! Most doctors and nurses havent had those shots injected into their own ass, and although they give valuable tips, they are just not as valuable as yours Im sure. Experience is everything here! 

I did notice that my calendar says to do the PIO shots in the a.m. Im not sure why and need to ask.  Anyone else had the same? Might be an issue in the morning with mine and hubbys schedule if he has to do them for me. Anyone out there do their own PIO or Del injections? I must admit I did my own ass trigger shot because I hated the idea of someone else doing it for me. Although I pulled it off, it wasnt easy to do by any means. 

Until the Lupron Depot shots Ive had the past few months, no one had ever injected me in the butt. Lol.  Id much rather do my own shots, but I have a feeling its not going to be possible with these two. Can I do them myself? And what about heat, ice, position, etc.? Please inform! 

Keep in mind I have never done either of these two intramuscular injections before (just the trigger) so no info will be silly to me. All will be considered and appreciated.  I have only done Crinone with Vivelle/Estrace for my prior 3 transfers. Im thinking I will have my nurse mark the areas to aim for with a marker before I do the first one on my own?

Thanks in advance for taking the time to educate me in this area!

Special Delivery!

All of our goodies arrived via overnight this a.m. We gave each other the look when the doorbell rang and we received the box.  

The conversation that followed went something like this-

Me: Do you want to open it now?

Him: Sure! Im excited, are you? 

Me: Sort of, but Im nervous too.  Maybe we should wait to open it.

Him: Okay. 

Me: Nevermind, lets open it now.  Will you open it?

Him: Alright (starts opening it)

Hubs went through the prescription list, checking off each item as I pulled them out of the box. Everything was correct!

   
 
I cant believe we are doing this again. And with all these needles this time (so huge they are!). Ill be good though, not too worried about the needles. After I get over the initial injections, it will be fine.

I just want this all to work! I start my meds tomorrow, so today I will enjoy our last day/night pre-cycle, which might include some wine! 

A Mothers Intuition

I have been confiding in hubby lately about a hunch I have been having. Maybe I could call it my motherly intuition?  

Recently, I feel very strongly that when we do eventually have our baby, it will be a girl

This thought may seem silly, or even superficial to some (trust me its not), but it has randomly been popping into my mind a lot the past few months. When it happens (usually out of nowhere), I catch myself smiling from ear to ear.  The weird rush that comes over me when it crosses my mind is hard to explain. I feel so full inside. 

Ive never had an intense feeling of the gender of our child before actually being pregnant with he or she. Completely clueless, in fact.  Only after finding out I was with child did I get the intuition of our babys sex and it prove correct. 

I have never been set on having a girl either, so Im not sure where this is all coming from.  Since our troubles TTC, all Ive prayed (and still do) for a healthy baby over and over.

Maybe its nothing, but I still want this inkling of mine on the record, and now it is 💗

Calendar is Up! 

I got my FET calendar today! So excited! I start meds (Lupron sub-q) this Sunday…ahhhh!!!!

My Hysteroscopy is this coming week so its all starting to feel so real again so fast. I will go for pre-op bloodwork tomorrow or Thursday. 

I just got off the phone ordering everything from the pharmacy that will get me from now until our pregnancy test. Cant believe we are almost there!

  

Bible Verses to Keep Close

None of us understand why we have to suffer in life.  Repeatedly suffering is even more confusing and frustrating, depressing, and heartbreaking.  During this roller coaster ride my husband and I have been on, I have gone through many different phases in my relationship with God.  We have had our fair share of ups and downs, as I’m sure anyone who has been through trauma can relate with.

I have been collecting bible verses over the years that hold a lot of meaning to me and keeping them in my paper journal.  I reference them from time to time, and they comfort me and help me keep my faith.  I think that others struggling (with anything in life, not just IF or RPL) might find them useful, so today I am sharing them.

The Future

John 15:7- If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you.

Proverbs 16:3-Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

Jeremiah 29:11-“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God’s Timing

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8-There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-He has made everything beautiful in his time.

Trials

James 1:2-4-Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Phillippians 4:13-I can do all things through him who gives me strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10-But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest upon me.  That is why, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Faith

Matthew 19:26-With God, all things are possible.

2 Corinthians 5:1-I will walk by faith even when I cannot see.

Genesis 1:28-Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply.”

Sorrow

Revelations 21:4-“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Psalm 30:5-Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Matthew 11:28-30-“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

 

Fear

Phillippians 4:6-Be anxious for nothing.

Proverbs 3:5-6-Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Psalm 23:4- Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

 

The Infertile Mother 

After our first IVF and subsequent loss, I started to think about how it would be nice to stay at home with our child for the first few years of their life should we ever have one.  

By the time our 3rd transfer and 2 more losses occurred, I no longer was just considering being a stay at home mommy should we have a child, I was set on it. After all the trauma, I couldnt (and wouldnt) even ponder the idea of going back to work after a short maternity leave. 

Note: Im well aware all mothers struggle with going back to work after they have a child. I get it.  But Im going to be brutally honest here and share my inner thoughts on the topic (some might not want to hear them, if thats you, stop reading!) 

I feel like after all the injections, pills, surgeries, procedures, thousands upon thousands of dollars, tests, pregnancies, losses, bloodwork, scans, and appointments that I earned the right to stay at home with our awaited baby longer than the normal amount of time.  I didnt just accidentally get pregnant, I didnt just try a few times, get pregnant and deliver. In fact, I didnt even try for many years, get pregnant and deliver.  I didnt undergo the all mighty IVF and achieve success the first few times either! 

After everything I have given and lost, how could I NOT stay home with this child for a few, measly years??? Come on!

It wasnt until this year, 2016 (1 full year after out 3rd loss), that I have begun seriously considering going back to work after a maternity leave.  I must say I have even surprised myself (and hubby) with this new state of mind.  

Some background on my career-I am a teacher. I have been teaching for 6 years now, 5 years in 4th grade and 1 (this year) in 3rd grade.  I love working with kids and watching them grow, probably one of the reasons I want to be a mommy so bad. I also enjoy working with adults, teaching at the local college. I guess I just enjoy learning and teaching, and teaching and learning! I have my Masters and dream about getting my Doctorate eventually. 

I have always liked to succeed at my job, I dont mind working hard, giving 110%, or putting in extra hours. But infertility and pregnancy loss took a lot from me in 2014 and 2015. It didnt happen overnight, it was sucked out of me little by little, day by day. I didnt want any of my career anymore–I just wanted our baby. These diseases can change so much. Its nuts. 

However, my outlook right now is that I would like our baby, and my career. You know…kind of like a normal person!?! Im not sure if this will change. It very well could. But right now I am getting my self back I think.  I want it to stay that way. I hope it does. The group of adults I work with this year have made it really easy for me. I am blessed with where I am at right now career wise, and I would love to keep my position and have a smiling (sometimes crying!) baby to come home to everyday.

I know juggling a career and a baby wont be easy. But being a stay at home mom sure wont be either. Both deserve all sorts of props if you ask me.  And having a baby wont be all rainbows and unicorns anyway it is sliced, but finally, I feel ready for the challenge of having that family/work balance in my future should I be so fortunate. And for that, I am proud of myself!

Care Packages 

I have grown to know such wonderful women through this blog. I think about all of you so frequently, wondering how you are doing regardless of where you are in this journey. I look forward to reading your posts everyday, even if I dont always comment on them. I anticipate our conversations and the advice, hope, and encouragement you all offer. 

Recently, I have realized that I do not have many of your addresses.  In fact, I only have 1 fellow bloggers address who I sent a baby bible to, she never got the package, and I never got it back either. I was so upset, but I learned my lesson, and from now on I will keep my receipt, get tracking of some sort or pay with my debit card instead of cash.  

I found much joy in getting her something special that it made me really start contemplating how wonderful it would be to surprise a fellow blogger with a care package from time to time, whether it be during a treatment cycle, suffering a loss, celebrating a new baby, enduring motherhood troubles, or simply just to brighten a day. I think several of you in this community blogging for some time have already been doing this, what a great idea. I love to give to others anytime I can, one of the reasons I love Christmas time so much I think.

Of course, I know some people like to keep their home address and/or name private, totally understandable. I am picky about who I give mine out to as well. If you are comfortable with it and dont mind receiving a little surprise from me one day, please email me your info (blogging name, real name, address) at angvfish@icloud.com

Looking forward to spreading some  sunshine!

FET 3 Protocol

Let me start out by saying that I had my final, 3rd injection of the Lupron in my behind yesterday…hooray! I am so glad I have reached this milestone. I am also so thankful to God that my side effects have been very minimal, which was a huge fear of mine going into it. He has 100% answered our prayers with this.

After my injection, I sat down with our list of questions with my RE. She pulled up the scan I had last month when I was bleeding and compared it with the scan I had that showed my mass a few months prior to the Lupron treatment. Good news-the mass wasnt showing on the scan from last month. Of course we cant be sure it is completely gone until my Hysteroscopy in a few short weeks, but its a great sign so far. If its not gone, its at least shrunk! Another answered prayer. 

We discussed immune therapy with intralipids and IVIG, the differences between them, my antiphosphilid results, the studies, etc. Based on my panels and our discussions, and although they offer them at one our of their clinics, I wont be doing these treatments at this time. I feel good about this decision.

Next up was the Crinone v. PIO talk. Ive always been on Crinone for my transfers (fresh & frozen) whereas the recommended protocol for most FETs is PIO. My progesterone levels have always been great, even when we experienced losses. I pretty much refused them in fear of hitting a sciatic nerve or something, (I know not likely) but I have chronic, horrible spinal issues to begin with, and couldnt stand the thought of any additional back pain. My RE was always OK with our decision because of my reasoning. However, I am now ready to go all in and give myself those ugly intramuscular ass shots everyday for 12 weeks (I hope!!) at this point instead of using the Crinone gel. I dont want to look back and feel there was ANYTHING more I could have done. This means no more vivelle either, DEL it is. I know so many of you ladies do it, and I can do it too. I just had to be ready and I am.  I know its not that bad and Ill be just fine!

We are still undecided on the Lovenox, or blood thinner this time around. We talked about it and it could go either way. I am pretty sure this will be a last minute, go with your gut decision. I have plenty leftover from our last FET.

We moved conversation on to the Zika virus. Ugh. My RE showed me some things recently released by the CDC. Although no mosquitos with it have been found here in Florida yet, it is predicted they will be here by the spring due to our climate (right when we transfer!). There isnt much we can do, other than wear bug protectant, stay indoors at night, away from water, and wear condoms when we have intercourse. If hubby got bit, he could easily give it to me. You can get bit and be asymptomatic too. No immunizations will be available for a long time it seems, as I asked because I seriously considered waiting it out to transfer. 

I live next to two empty lots and have some water behind my house. We usually get eaten alive during the summer months.  Its horrible. Needless to say, I think Ill be investing in a HazMat suit soon to be safe. Doubt that, but I have already started reading into Essential Oil mosquito repellent blends I can apply and such. I wont be using and inhaling a chemical based product everyday when pregnant thats for sure. We arent sure about our Bahamas cruise either now with this crap. Going to play this one by ear and see how things play out over the next few months with the virus. Trying not to stress about it, just be proactive. Not like we can control nature. 

On my way out I saw my very pregnant nurse. You might recall me posting about this a few weeks back and how incredibly tough it was. This time when I saw her, I hugged her and told her congratulations. I didnt plan to do it, it just happened that way. I think I just needed time to process it all. God made it really easy for me to be happy and at peace when I saw her this time. Again, an answered prayer! 

Anyways, I called WIN fertility for a bundled FET price quote, got all my presciptions handed to me for upcoming bloodworks, and so forth. The most exciting part of the day was setting up my calendar and transfer date! It made it all feel so real again. We will be transferring almost 2 years ago to the day of our first transfer.  I am ready and praying for all good things. Really, just praying its His timing now, because if its not, I know it wont happen. 

Just in Time For Valentine’s Day!

Awhile back I posted about renovating our master bedroom. Neither my husband or I have bought any bedroom furniture throughout our entire 16 year relationship together. I still had my parent bought dressers from when I was 14 and thats what we were currently using. 
We always envisioned a dreamy & romantic master suite, with a headboard and the likings. This year our dream came true just in time for Valentines Day!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

We ordered all of the furniture from Bassett’s HGTV design studio. It was super cool, we got to pick out the color, fabric, and finishings on everything. It took about a month to come in but was worth the wait. Designing everything made us both happy because after waiting so long we didnt want to settle for something we half liked. 

We tore up the original carpet and baseboards that were in the room when we bought it back in 2007 and replaced them with a dark laminate flooring and larger baseboards. We also painted the walls light grey, with a darker grey accent wall behind the bed.  Love the colors!

The finishing touches were things like the throw pillows, drapes, roman shade, brushed nickel rod and finials. I didnt have to buy any accessories thankfully, I was able to reuse items from around the house thanks to my moms help.

We are in love with it all & havent gotten out of bed much since the arrival! Instead we have ordered pizza, cooked spaghetti, and rented movies like, “The Martian” & “Tomorrowland.”  I was also blessed enough to receive a handmade card from my hubby with the most heartfelt poem and “cuddle coupon” inside.  

I am off today in honor of Presidents Day and will be heading to my RE for my LAST lupron injection. Also, we will review our FET protocol for this time around.  Wish me luck! 

   

 

   
 

   
 

  

To Do or Not to Do: (Bump)dates?

Whether or not those of us who battled infertility and finally get that BFP should do it or not is the topic at hand. 

Seems to be somewhat debated here in the blogging community, yet on IG & FB its the norm to show off your bump as soon as you see 2 lines.

Some bloggers who have fought IF and/or pregnancy loss choose to document their pregnancies week by week with photo updates of their bump and narratives of their symptoms once they fall pregnant.

Others go the opposite way, and keep their weekly bump pics respectively to themselves after finding out they are preggo (that is assuming they are taking them). 

So, what do you think, are sharing these (bump)dates with your fellow infertiles here on the blog OK or not? 

Will those still in the trenches of our community be hurt seeing the photos? 

Or will those in the trenches rejoice in a community victory? 

If you ask me, it depends on where they are in their journey. 

Early on in my blogging, when I was just getting to know the members, I mostly deleted those who turned pregnant soon after.  I didnt have relationships with any of them and I was mainly blogging to vent.  Also, my miscarriage wounds were so fresh; I surely didnt want to see any in utero pics at all right after any of our losses.  

After awhile, I got to know the women in this community and started following their stories. I had a much harder time deleting them when they achieved their dreams, so I didnt anymore.  I realized it wasnt just about me venting, and I started to find hope in their success. I enjoy reading and seeing the posts now. Besides, isnt having a family our goal here anyway? 

Yet, if I see these posts on an anniversary of ours I cant do it. I turn my head or scroll a little quicker. I wish it hadnt been posted. I cringe a bit and think “why not me? When will it be our turn?”

Other times, when I am feeling like I am over it all, and wallowing in self-pity, I realize I am numb to the bumpdates. A true vet, I feel emotionless either way about the member posts. 

Like I mentioned, for me, where you are in the journey makes a BIG difference on how you react to these bumpdates.  I think it also matters greatly to us infertiles what the person went through to get that bump. If it was easy, forget it. But I am talking about this community and doing bumpdates here, so easy isnt exactly the word that comes to mind when I think about their posts.

Anyways, I went back and forth for awhile in my mind about whether or not I would do the weekly bump photo opps on this blog should I have the chance to document a pregnancy  ever again. 

In the end, I am pretty sure that I will. 

To me, part of the infertility blogging experience includes seeing the bumps of our fellow community members. Believe it or not, I feel its made me stronger.  I am sure some may feel different, and I totally respect and understand it. 

I feel this place is a place of honesty and good intention, and I know for me, a place I look back on and reflect on posts I have made from time to time. I surely want to be able to look back upon the week by week journey of growing our baby one day should we be blessed enough. Plus, I love pictures and blogging, I think it will be hard for me not to put them together pregnant. 

I may do what some other bloggers have done, and create a new IG account or password protected posts just for bump stuff. Not sure yet. I do want to be considerate of others because I know the ways I have felt at different times as I described. 

While this all very well could change with time, one thing I am sure of is that I will always be an infertile no matter how it all plays out. I will not be able to just “switch” off this part of us and leave everyone else still TTC behind. I want them to still be part of my life and vice versa.