Hysteroscopy Results

I went to bed early last night so I didnt allow myself too much time to dwell on the procedure that awaited me this a.m. I woke about 3 a.m. and couldnt go back to sleep as my mind raced. I finally fell back asleep for a few hours and then it was time to get the show on the road.

I showered and put on my lucky socks and bracelet. 

 
My mom and I drove down to the clinic and I popped my first Valium when we got there, the next 2 about 20 minutes later. They took me back, checked all my vitals, I used the loo, and changed into my cap and gown (hopefully Ill be graduating soon!) 

 
I was in pretty good spirits about it all, I only shed a few tears right before my mom left and I think it was an effect of the Valiums (I seem to cry easily on it).  My RE came in, along with my RN, and her assistant. We small talked as they adminstered my IV. Within a few minutes I started to feel a little loopy. 
This time I stayed awake throughout the whole procedure even though I got the same dosage of narcotics I always have in the past. Maybe I am just used to them by now. Either way, it wasnt too painful, more uncomfortable than anything. I did my best to listen to what they were saying and look at the screen beside me that pictured my uterus. 

Drum roll please….my uterus is clear! The mass is gone. Completely. It was described as looking perfect!

Everyone was so excited! Its been awhile since we have had something this positive happen to us. I cried happy tears and thanked God over and over. Im still in shock to be honest. I prepared myself for it to go the other way today, but it didnt. We are so incredibly grateful. 

Ive been sleeping the day away as the drugs wear off. I am headed back to work tomorrow, and then Monday Ill be headed back to the clinic for my post-op appt, my day 3 ultra and blood, and start of stims. Thank you for your kind words and support about today! Prayer works. 

3 More Sleeps

Until my (hopefully last) Hysteroscopy. It may seem almost pointless to some to even do it at this point; I have already started the suppression part of my cycle with Lupron injections, ordered all my other meds, and paid for the FET itself. Why bother putting me into a drug induced state again to see what my cavity looks like? 

Simple-we just want to know what we are dealing with. Thats it. We all have already agreed we are moving forward regardless of if the mass is completely gone or not, so its not about that. Although it would be nice to know that the treatment the past several months did work if it did. I cant imagine not finding that much out.

Anyways, I have my outfit (socks & lucky fertility bracelet included) all picked out for my procedure…how sad is this that Im now into infertility fashion? I guess a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Lol. Will post some pics of this attire after the procedure to bring you a few smiles. 

Oh, and is it pathetic that Im looking forward to the day off and the loopiness that comes along with all the poking and proding? No nervousness at all, Im ready for the twilight. This aint my first rodeo… Bring it on! 

Calendar is Up!

I got my FET calendar today! So excited! I start meds (Lupron sub-q) this Sunday…ahhhh!!!!

My Hysteroscopy is this coming week so its all starting to feel so real again so fast. I will go for pre-op bloodwork tomorrow or Thursday. 

I just got off the phone ordering everything from the pharmacy that will get me from now until our pregnancy test. Cant believe we are almost there!

  

FET 3 Protocol

Let me start out by saying that I had my final, 3rd injection of the Lupron in my behind yesterday…hooray! I am so glad I have reached this milestone. I am also so thankful to God that my side effects have been very minimal, which was a huge fear of mine going into it. He has 100% answered our prayers with this.

After my injection, I sat down with our list of questions with my RE. She pulled up the scan I had last month when I was bleeding and compared it with the scan I had that showed my mass a few months prior to the Lupron treatment. Good news-the mass wasnt showing on the scan from last month. Of course we cant be sure it is completely gone until my Hysteroscopy in a few short weeks, but its a great sign so far. If its not gone, its at least shrunk! Another answered prayer. 

We discussed immune therapy with intralipids and IVIG, the differences between them, my antiphosphilid results, the studies, etc. Based on my panels and our discussions, and although they offer them at one our of their clinics, I wont be doing these treatments at this time. I feel good about this decision.

Next up was the Crinone v. PIO talk. Ive always been on Crinone for my transfers (fresh & frozen) whereas the recommended protocol for most FETs is PIO. My progesterone levels have always been great, even when we experienced losses. I pretty much refused them in fear of hitting a sciatic nerve or something, (I know not likely) but I have chronic, horrible spinal issues to begin with, and couldnt stand the thought of any additional back pain. My RE was always OK with our decision because of my reasoning. However, I am now ready to go all in and give myself those ugly intramuscular ass shots everyday for 12 weeks (I hope!!) at this point instead of using the Crinone gel. I dont want to look back and feel there was ANYTHING more I could have done. This means no more vivelle either, DEL it is. I know so many of you ladies do it, and I can do it too. I just had to be ready and I am.  I know its not that bad and Ill be just fine!

We are still undecided on the Lovenox, or blood thinner this time around. We talked about it and it could go either way. I am pretty sure this will be a last minute, go with your gut decision. I have plenty leftover from our last FET.

We moved conversation on to the Zika virus. Ugh. My RE showed me some things recently released by the CDC. Although no mosquitos with it have been found here in Florida yet, it is predicted they will be here by the spring due to our climate (right when we transfer!). There isnt much we can do, other than wear bug protectant, stay indoors at night, away from water, and wear condoms when we have intercourse. If hubby got bit, he could easily give it to me. You can get bit and be asymptomatic too. No immunizations will be available for a long time it seems, as I asked because I seriously considered waiting it out to transfer. 

I live next to two empty lots and have some water behind my house. We usually get eaten alive during the summer months.  Its horrible. Needless to say, I think Ill be investing in a HazMat suit soon to be safe. Doubt that, but I have already started reading into Essential Oil mosquito repellent blends I can apply and such. I wont be using and inhaling a chemical based product everyday when pregnant thats for sure. We arent sure about our Bahamas cruise either now with this crap. Going to play this one by ear and see how things play out over the next few months with the virus. Trying not to stress about it, just be proactive. Not like we can control nature. 

On my way out I saw my very pregnant nurse. You might recall me posting about this a few weeks back and how incredibly tough it was. This time when I saw her, I hugged her and told her congratulations. I didnt plan to do it, it just happened that way. I think I just needed time to process it all. God made it really easy for me to be happy and at peace when I saw her this time. Again, an answered prayer! 

Anyways, I called WIN fertility for a bundled FET price quote, got all my presciptions handed to me for upcoming bloodworks, and so forth. The most exciting part of the day was setting up my calendar and transfer date! It made it all feel so real again. We will be transferring almost 2 years ago to the day of our first transfer.  I am ready and praying for all good things. Really, just praying its His timing now, because if its not, I know it wont happen. 

What We Will Do If…

We find out during my hysteroscopy that the mass has NOT shrunk from these Lupron injections? 

This has been the topic of conversation the past few nights in our household. 

We easily reached an agreement that might sound absurd to some–

We will transfer our embryos anyways. 

Yes, you heard right. 

Why? Well, for starters we already tried surgery in May of 2015 to remove the mass and it failed. We do not want to go that route again and we have informed our RE of this decision already and she respects it. 

Secondly, we will have tried medically managing the mass through the Lupron. If this did not work, we will not do it again obviously. 

Third, plenty of women have successful pregnancies with fibroids or masses in their cavities. Even my OB and RE support this fact. 

You might be wondering why we even cared about the mass to begin with then?

Why not have just transferred months ago? 

The answer is simple…

After 3 miscarriages, we all wanted to give it our best shot. We want my uterus to be as healthy as possible for a baby. 

If we hadnt ever miscarried, and just found a fibroid, we probably would have just transferred as many do. But that was not the case. 

Moving forward, we now know that we have done everything we possibly could have done. We pray it works for us. 

Scan Results

I went in for a scan this week after some extended, random bleeding during month 2 of the Lupron Depot injections.  
Upon arrival, I asked my sonographer what would be the worst case scenario scan wise, and the best case scenario scan wise at this point. 

Worst cases-super thick lining (usually the best case scenario during a cycle, so totally backwards from the normal expectation) OR really, really thin lining. 

Best case scenario-thin (but not too thin lol) lining (what you usually dont want during a cycle, backwards again!)

Anyways, she said she wanted my RE to review the images to be sure, but told me on the spot the measurements and that she believed they fell into the best case category.  

Not too long after, my RE left me a message on my cell with the details. Best case scenario it is! Nothing abnormal on the ultrasound… Thank God. 

So, in the end, my blood levels are as they should be, and my scan is as it should be.  I havent bled in several days either, so I think its behind us. Im going with the idea that the bleeding was that mass leaving! 

Now, I need to call back and confirm the date of my hysteroscopy tomorrow; my RE mentioned setting it up for next month on the message she left. I thought it would be in March. I cant believe we are already talking about this!! 

After the hysteroscopy, it will be go time before we know it ((I pray)). 

Lupron Injection #2

We are 2/3 of the way through treatment as of today! Woot woot! I got my 2nd injection done this morning and it was just a *little* bit worse than the first time. 

The only reason I think it was more painful today was because I knew what to expect and thus, I tensed up the muscle pretty good when the needle was going in. By the time she told me not to tense up, it was too late. Lol. But it was still over rather quickly & Im just happy its done! 

On my way out we set up 3 more appointments-

1. Injection #3 (the final one)
2. Hysteroscopy 
3. FET consult with RE for our dates/plan

I was also given a script for some bloodwork. A total CBC and beta before the hysteroscopy, and then another one for all my levels before the actual FET. My nurse confirmed they got my most recent pap results from my OB while I was there today too. Overall, I felt like it was a very productive visit! 

After the appointment, my mom & I went to lunch by the water at our favorite spot by my RE’s office. 

  
Almost exactly a year ago to the day, we ate there together after one of the twins (good) ultrasounds.  We discussed this briefly, but there was a sense of peace with it.  I shared with my mom an image of the grief cycle and how I feel I am *mostly* on the up & up now.  

  

Lunch was delicious as always, and we browsed a few of the fancy shops afterwards for fun (most of the tank tops are like $80 each and there are no sale racks!). Finally, we stopped by a plant nursery on our way home since my mom is redoing her landscaping.  The weather is absolutely gorge out today, mid-60’s and sunny.  

Now its time to ice/heat this buttocks of mine so it doesnt cramp up! It already has a few times since earlier this morning 😳

Are You There God? It’s Me, Angela…

Hysteroscopy #4 was Monday.  I know in some cases no news = good news, but that is not the case.  I wish I had better news to share.  We prayed and prayed for it.  We have waited almost a year from our last transfer for it.  However, it didn’t come.  And I can’t say I am surprised….What’s another major disappointment at this point?

Our upcoming October FET is off.  Cancelled.  Done.

During the hysteroscopy, my RE found that the mass that was surgically removed back in May returned.  The “something” on the ultrasounds really was “something” after all.  It only took 3 months for that f’n monster to grow back ( you will have to excuse my language).

I woke up from the twilight anesthesia with tears rolling down my face.  Not from any physical pain—just mental.  It reminded me of the feeling I had when I awoke from one of my D & C’s…EMPTY.  I could hear bits and pieces of the “oh no’s, “dammits,” and “shits,” from the staff during the procedure, and in my half alive state, I knew all too well what it meant.

I recall pushing the nurse off of me when she kindly tried to help me get dressed..hell, this wasn’t my first rodeo—I could do it myself. They showed me images and comparisons, blah, blah, blah.  They encouraged me not to give up hope…again, blah, blah, blah.

My RE said she wanted to consult with the 4 other specialists at her practice about what to do at this point, which brings us to today.  Their “meeting of the minds” took place this morning.  I sat by my phone waiting all day for the call to come in.  For some STUPID reason, up until today, we believed it might be a possibility that we could still proceed with our FET in October. It hadn’t been indefinitely ruled out on Monday…we had left it all hanging on the professional consensus today.

The call finally came around 4 p.m.  The consensus was that not ONE doctor thought we should move forward.  In fact, we won’t be moving forward for quite some time.  In fact, we most likely won’t even be bringing a baby home with us in 2016 at all.  If ever.

The recommendation is for an MRI of the mass next.  This has to be done by some specialist at some hospital.  My RE gave me all the details, none of which I remember any of tonight as I sit here and type this. Originally, I intended on writing things down and asking things during our call today, but none of that happened.  I dropped my pen, listened, and put my hands on my head as I blankly stared into space.

The MRI will rule out a few things (of which I don’t even give a damn enough to get into right now) and depending on the results, the plan of action would go 1 of 3 ways:

1. Have another operation —looking at springtime for a possible transfer date with this scenario
2. Lupron suppression for at least 3 months- looking at springtime for a possible transfer date
3. Gestational Carrier

I guess it was only a matter of time before #3 was thrown directly on the table.  Because at this point, we all know options 1 and 2 may very well fail.  Shit, option 1 already did fail once.  

When she told me I may never have the opportunity to feel life inside me again, I felt all the blood rush through my body. She could barely get the words gestational carrier out…I was pretty much like “go ahead, give it to me.”  I can’t describe how I know I was pulling it out of my RE…I just do.  After 2 years of being in direct contact, I know her and she knows me.  She kept saying how sorry she was.  Yea, us too.  No girl grows up dreaming of IVF, miscarrying, or let alone, a surrogate.

I think this might be one of the hardest posts I have written.  Before writing this, I cried and yelled at my mom on my drive home.  I should add that I only did all this because I know I can let it all out with her.  She tried to tell me it’s not the end of the road, it’s not over, she loved me, and all that.  She tried to support me the best she could.  I mean, really, at this point, who knows what to say to us anymore.  I get it.

I don’t want to hear it’s all okay, because in our world it is not all okay.  There are no rainbows here today, folks.  And yes, you may tell me they are on the way, to keep my faith, and hope…but that doesn’t change today.  Another let down.  Time keeps on passing us by.  It’s been a LONG road and I would like to think we have done OK being patient on it…so I must ask…are you there, God??? Remember me?!?

So, tonight, my husband and I just laid in the dark crying.  All too familiar.  We talked about how we let our hopes get up again, how we feel so lost.  Yet again…  1 step forward…20 back.  There was a lot of silence.  What can we say? I feel like this may be our biggest crossroad yet.  We talked about giving up on all of it.  Who knows.  The conversation ended with how maybe we need to get the hell out of here and go away, from everyone, just the 2 of us.

Hysteroscopy Eve

Well, H/S # 4 is Monday morning.  After loss #3 back in February, we decided that we would do another H/S before ever transferring again, so it makes sense that we have one right now.

H/S #3 in June, just 3 months ago, came back all clear after my operation, and thus, we didn’t think another H/S would really be needed this quickly.  We originally thought that having H/S #4 would be more for peace of mind and reassurance that all was still looking good before transferring again.  Wrong.  As you know, images from my HSG in late July and my ultrasounds in early August showed “something” irregular lurking around in my uterus.  So, here we are, actually needing the H/S again this soon after the last.

Our October FET is completely riding on the results of this H/S.  If there is “something” small, like a polyp, that can easily be removed while I am in a twilight, she will remove it, and we will move forward with our upcoming transfer.  Or better yet, there will be nothing at all showing and we will go forward.  However, if there is “something” large found again, like the mass back in March, she will not be able to remove it on the spot, and our October transfer will not be taking place.  I have no idea what will end up happening if the latter occurs– I don’t know if I am ready to go through another operation like the last one.  I am trying not to put too much thought into that for now, but realistically I know it could go either way tomorrow…50/50 chance.

We have learned that patience is necessary throughout all of this.  My husband and I have been together over 15 years now, and married for over 8.  We have been trying to have a baby for over 7, and we have been wrapped up in IUI and IVF cycles for 3 years now.  God is good and only He knows when the timing is right.  It might be next month, but it might not be.  All we can do today is pray for His blessings and protection to surround us….we would love if you could do the same for us! Thank you so much.

A Few Notes from an Infertile Myrtle

I started OCP’s, or in laymens terms, birth control pills, this past week on day 3 of my cycle. Just for the record, I really do hate being on OCP’s. I can already sense the mood swings, exhaustion, and overeating kicking in and it hasnt even been a full week of consumption yet. An infertiles gotta do what an infertiles gotta do, right?  Only 26 more days of them left. 
 

  

Time is flying by. I looked at the calendar last night and realized that in just 8 weeks we could be pregnant again. Or in just 8 weeks, we could be experiencing our first transfer out of 4 that does not produce a pregnancy at all.  It hit even harder once the protocol and price quote were delivered to my inbox.  

  

A myriad of emotions started to flood me. A minor meltdown took place, but I will save all of that for a later post because it needs one of its own.  

In the meantime, we have FINALLY gotten all of the paperwork sent out for the FET grant we are applying for. It only took and arm and a leg (and 3 months), but I am happy to report this thick stack of papers is off of my dining room table and in the postmans hands.  Now, lets all just pray by the grace of God we are selected! 

Just after I returned from dropping off the grant at the post office, I checked the mail and what was in there but a lovely notice for jury duty in a few weeks. I originally got a notice for duty following our last miscarriage while I was on my medical leave from work.  When I got the notice back then, I was pissed. Heres why-one of the “excusal reasons” you can check off is expectant mother.  

  

Probably sounds pretty reasonable to a fertile, pregnant woman. But what a slap in the face this was to me just weeks after losing our children.  Now that I was no longer pregnant, I suddenly couldn’t be excused?!? Excuse me?

Thankfully, since I had never postponed duty before, I was able to put it off. You can postpone one time after the first notice, but you still have to provide a reason as to why you wish to postpone for the judge to approve. And boy let me tell you, I let it all out in my postponement letter. I made sure to tell the judge that “miscarrying mothers” or “mothers that lost a child” should be excusal reasons if “expectant mothers” is.  The judge probably thought I was out of my mind, but I really didnt care.  At the time, I was so incredibly mad at the world it didnt matter. 

When I saw the notice today, something inside of me was ignited again. I cant help but feel like it is a burn. Here we are, just a few weeks away from our due date and it comes.  I dont know what I will do about it yet, although I have plenty of ideas running through my mind.  Who would have thought that something like jury duty would make me feel this type of way!  RPL does some crazy things to you I guess. 

On a side note, I found this quote from an amazing author today, and it totally made me smile….