Another Mother’s Day gone with no baby or baby bump. I didn’t really feel the need to post yesterday because there wasn’t much to say. I didn’t want to look at the negative part of the day if at all possible. And to be honest, it really wasn’t that bad for me. Every day surviving infertility is pretty damn hard, so the way I look at it is why should this one day be that much worse.
Yes, it stings, but not to the point of staying off social media curled up in my bed crying as I did with each miscarriage. Maybe I have become a little numbed to it all by now. Maybe I just know that I am a mom, and I will see our kids again one day. Maybe I am confident our time is coming soon. Maybe I felt more recognized this year because everyone finally knows our pain. Or maybe God just gave me peace all day. I don’t know. However, I do know that I still completely respect the feelings of all of those women out there who did curl up in their beds crying, shutting out the world. In no way am I down playing your emotions, I have felt them all. Especially last Mothers Day, as I was in the midst of our first loss after 3 grueling months of IVF.
This year I decided to try to focus on the positive, and enjoying spending time with my mom. We spent the day not talking about IF, or RPL, or kids. Instead, we laid out by the pool, had lunch, & did some retail therapy (I did spoil myself a little!). I bought her some pretty, bluish purple, Hydrangeas and she got me a beautiful necklace, too. I must say, if I didn’t have my mom with me on Mother’s Day, there is no doubt I would have felt A LOT worse. In fact, I am sure I would have been curled up in my bed angry at the world. I have read many stories of women who are not only infertile, but who also do not have their mom here with them anymore–something I cannot even imagine. I pray for these women. For this reason alone (in my opinion), I have no business moping around on Mother’s Day when I could be spending quality time with my mom.
I don’t believe this Mothers Day was all that bad for my husband either. He was on call all weekend, so he kept super busy. We barely saw each other, as he worked over 60 + hours total for the week. That’s the typical amount of working hours of a HVAC tech in Florida during the months of April-September. I’m pretty used to it by now, even though the dogs & I miss him when he is gone. He will also be on call for Father’s Day weekend. Everyone he works with have their own children, and rightfully so, they want the day off to spend with their families. Of course, we have discussed this and sure, it bothers us from time to time. But, on the other hand, we understand, and we know that when we eventually have our family, we will want to spend those days together as well. So, all we can do is make the best of it for now, right?
Anyways, as you know, last week we wrote a letter to our future child. Since I wrote it, I have thought about it several times. Mostly about how I am excited to give it to him or her one day. It is strange that I feel excitement for something that is probably at least a decade away. This is one of the first times in my life I have experienced a feeling like this…a feeling a mother has about a specific, future event in their child’s life. Yes, I have been excited about the thought of our child many times, but never a feeling like this about something in particular. I must say, it was awesome!
There was something else that kept creeping into my mind all week though. It was the need to start letting our twins from our last loss go. As I was thinking about this, I started being brutally honest with myself, and I saw how I haven’t let the babies before them go yet either. I never really had any time to; it was one loss right after the other. Consequently, I should rephrase my statement to how I need to start letting all of our babies from every loss go. Please realize when I say “letting go” I don’t mean forgetting about them, or never talking of them again. This isn’t possible. They are our children and always will be. What I mean is letting them be at peace like they already are. I can still feel the tight grip of my hands and heart around each pregnancy and loss, and it is time to let it all go. I can’t do it anymore.
So, stay tuned because we plan to do something very special to honor them soon. There are several ideas that we have come up with. We even found a cemetery for the unborn in the area. What’s most important is that we have come to realize that honoring these babies is another step for us in the healing process. No different from us creating this blog, naming Isaiah when we found out his gender, or getting a bracelet with all of their birthstones.
There is no doubt that letting go will be the hardest part, but it will allow us to move forward with our heads and hearts. It is the right thing to do. I think for the very first time, I am starting to see the real meaning behind the saying, “let go and let God.”