I have thought about this post for awhile. I have so much I want to write, but for the most part I have no words to truly express all of my feelings. I have sat and stared at a blank screen for hours. I have started and then stopped over and over again. I have wiped many tears.
September 5th, 2015 was supposed to be a joyful day for our family- it was the day we would finally bring our babies home after our two prior losses. That is not the case. Instead, September 5th is a day of mourning our twins.
Today, as I sit and write this, I would have been 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
I imagine so many things as I type that. I imagine what it would feel like to have my baby or babies moving around inside of me. I imagine the excitement of becoming new parents in just a few days. I imagine the fear of it too. I imagine what my belly would look like. I imagine how the nursery would be decorated. I imagine the first car ride home. I imagine our dogs meeting their siblings for the first time. I imagine my maternity leave beginning. I imagine all of the bonding that would be getting ready to take place during that time off. I imagine the sleepless nights and feedings. The diaper changing and what feels like endless fits of crying. I imagine rocking them to sleep. I imagine the total exhaustion and worry of being a new mom. I imagine all of the congratulations, phone calls, hospital visits, and gifts. I imagine the first smile. I imagine looking into our babies eyes for the first time. I imagine what they would have looked like and how they would smell. I imagine their first bath. I imagine their very first outfit. I imagine the love that one feels over flowing inside of them like no other.
And then I wake up.
I begin to realize that none of this is going to happen. It is over. Life will go on this week and on our due date will pass by. Isaiah and his twin will not be in our arms next week. They have gone to heaven. Nothing can change this.
All we have left are the weekly ultrasound pictures and memories, one for every week up until week 10. We can think of how we felt seeing their little hearts beating. How it felt to hear them aloud each week. How amazing it was so watch them grow each time we went in. No one can take those memories away and I am grateful for that, because it is all we have now.
The pain is indescribable. It never leaves a mothers heart. Everyday is hard, some are harder than others. There are always the “should have beens” and “what ifs.” Out of all of our losses, and all of the dates that should have been, I am finding this one to be the hardest. My heart aches. I am praying for strength.
There will be no cards or celebrations this week. Just our dreams of what could have been, and a time to honor the lives lost. Our childrens lives. We want them to be remembered.
We love you so much, baby Isaiah and twin. You will always be in our hearts and minds. September 5 will always be dear to us. There is so much more I want to say, but the words arent coming out right.