Due Date

I have thought about this post for awhile.  I have so much I want to write, but for the most part I have no words to truly express all of my feelings.  I have sat and stared at a blank screen for hours.  I have started and then stopped over and over again.  I have wiped many tears.  

September 5th, 2015 was supposed to be a joyful day for our family- it was the day we would finally bring our babies home after our two prior losses.  That is not the case.  Instead, September 5th is a day of mourning our twins. 

Today, as I sit and write this, I would have been 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. 

I imagine so many things as I type that. I imagine what it would feel like to have my baby or babies moving around inside of me. I imagine the excitement of becoming new parents in just a few days. I imagine the fear of it too.  I imagine what my belly would look like.  I imagine how the nursery would be decorated.  I imagine the first car ride home.  I imagine our dogs meeting their siblings for the first time. I imagine my maternity leave beginning.  I imagine all of the bonding that would be getting ready to take place during that time off.  I imagine the sleepless nights and feedings. The diaper changing and what feels like endless fits of crying. I imagine rocking them to sleep.  I imagine the total exhaustion and worry of being a new mom. I imagine all of the congratulations, phone calls, hospital visits, and gifts.  I imagine the first smile. I imagine looking into our babies eyes for the first time. I imagine what they would have looked like and how they would smell.  I imagine their first bath. I imagine their very first outfit.  I imagine the love that one feels over flowing inside of them like no other.  

And then I wake up. 

I begin to realize that none of this is going to happen.  It is over.  Life will go on this week and on our due date will pass by.  Isaiah and his twin will not be in our arms next week.  They have gone to heaven.  Nothing can change this.

All we have left are the weekly ultrasound pictures and memories, one for every week up until week 10.  We can think of how we felt seeing their little hearts beating. How it felt to hear them aloud each week.  How amazing it was so watch them grow each time we went in.  No one can take those memories away and I am grateful for that, because it is all we have now.  

The pain is indescribable. It never leaves a mothers heart. Everyday is hard, some are harder than others.  There are always the “should have beens” and “what ifs.”  Out of all of our losses, and all of the dates that should have been, I am finding this one to be the hardest.  My heart aches. I am praying for strength. 

There will be no cards or celebrations this week. Just our dreams of what could have been, and a time to honor the lives lost. Our childrens lives.  We want them to be remembered. 

We love you so much, baby Isaiah and twin.  You will always be in our hearts and minds.  September 5 will always be dear to us.  There is so much more I want to say, but the words arent coming out right.  

  

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Week 10 of Summer Happiness

Bringing you week 10, days 65-71, of the 95 days of summer happiness, all for your viewing pleasure. 

We hope you enjoy as much as we did! 

Day 65 of Summer Happiness

Lovely papasan furniture added to our newly redecorated, beach themed patio

Day 66 of Summer Happiness

 

Fountain on the patio
 
  

Day 67 of Summer Happiness

Cant wait to put our outdoor bistro set together!
 
  

Day 68 of Summer Happiness

Favorite summertime fruit!

Day 69 of Summer Happiness

 

These tomato plants started as seeds back in June…anyday now & we will have some tomatoes!
 

Day 70 of Summer Happiness

Beginning of the year present from a new student

Day 71 of Summer Happiness

Home grown Florida avocadoes …yum!

A Few Notes from an Infertile Myrtle 

I started OCP’s, or in laymens terms, birth control pills, this past week on day 3 of my cycle. Just for the record, I really do hate being on OCP’s. I can already sense the mood swings, exhaustion, and overeating kicking in and it hasnt even been a full week of consumption yet. An infertiles gotta do what an infertiles gotta do, right?  Only 26 more days of them left. 
 

  

Time is flying by. I looked at the calendar last night and realized that in just 8 weeks we could be pregnant again. Or in just 8 weeks, we could be experiencing our first transfer out of 4 that does not produce a pregnancy at all.  It hit even harder once the protocol and price quote were delivered to my inbox.  

  

A myriad of emotions started to flood me. A minor meltdown took place, but I will save all of that for a later post because it needs one of its own.  

In the meantime, we have FINALLY gotten all of the paperwork sent out for the FET grant we are applying for. It only took and arm and a leg (and 3 months), but I am happy to report this thick stack of papers is off of my dining room table and in the postmans hands.  Now, lets all just pray by the grace of God we are selected! 

Just after I returned from dropping off the grant at the post office, I checked the mail and what was in there but a lovely notice for jury duty in a few weeks. I originally got a notice for duty following our last miscarriage while I was on my medical leave from work.  When I got the notice back then, I was pissed. Heres why-one of the “excusal reasons” you can check off is expectant mother.  

  

Probably sounds pretty reasonable to a fertile, pregnant woman. But what a slap in the face this was to me just weeks after losing our children.  Now that I was no longer pregnant, I suddenly couldn’t be excused?!? Excuse me?

Thankfully, since I had never postponed duty before, I was able to put it off. You can postpone one time after the first notice, but you still have to provide a reason as to why you wish to postpone for the judge to approve. And boy let me tell you, I let it all out in my postponement letter. I made sure to tell the judge that “miscarrying mothers” or “mothers that lost a child” should be excusal reasons if “expectant mothers” is.  The judge probably thought I was out of my mind, but I really didnt care.  At the time, I was so incredibly mad at the world it didnt matter. 

When I saw the notice today, something inside of me was ignited again. I cant help but feel like it is a burn. Here we are, just a few weeks away from our due date and it comes.  I dont know what I will do about it yet, although I have plenty of ideas running through my mind.  Who would have thought that something like jury duty would make me feel this type of way!  RPL does some crazy things to you I guess. 

On a side note, I found this quote from an amazing author today, and it totally made me smile…. 

Week 9 of Summer Happiness

Bringing you week 9, days 58-64, of the 95 days of summer happiness, all for your viewing pleasure. 

We hope you enjoy as much as we did! 


Day 58 of Summer Happiness

Car show hubby & I attended one summer evening

Day 59 of Summer Happiness
 

Back on the mat!
 

Day 60 of Summer Happiness

Major summer project complete…house painted & gutters up! Loving the warm, rich tones!
  

Day 61 of Summer Happiness

  

One last summer beach trip!
 

Day 62 of Summer Happiness

Out for an afternoon summer drive with my pal


Day 63 of Summer Happiness

One of my favorite things (sushi), from one of my favorite places (Publix)
 

Day 64 of Summer Happiness

Lazy summer day reading up on my essential oils & playing around with my diffuser

Off to the Races

Well, we are off to the races folks… Another month of TTC at home has yielded nothing but a BFN (no surprise there).  So, I am officially on CD1, which means our FET calendar is in now in full effect.  This was our last month of TTC on our own.

  
Starting on CD3, I will be on the pill for 1 month in order to do my upcoming hysteroscopy safely on the day I wanted to (so I do not miss work). And in about a week, I will get my pre-op blood work done to make sure we are cleared for the H/S.  I skipped out on my therapy session this past week as things have just been so incredibly busy.  That being said, fertility speaking wise, that is really all there is to report for now!

For the most part, I have been working away in my classroom the past 2 weeks.  It has seemed never-ending, especially since I moved rooms and changed grade levels. Nevertheless, it is finally all ready to go! The kiddos come back tomorrow (I can’t believe it!) and I am hoping and praying for a great first day of school, and year to follow suit.  Here are a few pictures from my room & open house as promised last week:

   
    
 
In other news…our house is done being painted and we LOVE it! We are so happy with the colors we chose; very rich, warm tones. The body is a taupe, the trim is cream, and our front door is a deep mahogany.  The front door might just be my favorite! Makes it all pop.  I know you are thinking, where are the pictures??? My hubby made me promise not to post until the gutters are up later this week.  Don’t ask me why… If you ask me, all they do is help with the rain! He begs to disagree, stating they, “bring everything together.”  Okie dokie, then!

We ordered some new patio furniture from Pier 1. Who doesn’t love Pier 1, please tell me? The place is a dream.  Now, I just need to be rich so I can get everything there!  Anyways, we ordered a Papasan chair and stool. I am going for a beach theme like our master, so the cushions that go with the chair and stool are a Cobalt Blue.  We also got an outdoor rug from Home Depot, along with a cutesy bistro dining set.  I had the hubby hang a few pieces of wall art, one says, “beach” & another “splash.”  My mom gave us a pretty decent sized fountain for the patio, which is oh-so-peaceful.  I cannot wait for the winter months to get here so I can spend some time curled up in my Papasan reading a book with my dog.  I will post some pictures of the finished patio next week!

Week 8 of Summer Happiness

Bringing you week 8, days 51-57, of the 95 days of summer happiness, all for your viewing pleasure. 

We hope you enjoy as much as we did! 

Day 51 of Summer Happiness

Nothing says summer like homemade, ice cold, lemonade!

 Day 52 of Summer Happiness

Our fortune cookies from Chinese take-out date night

 Day 53 of Summer Happiness

One of our summer projects completed…crown molding in our master bedroom

Day 54 of Summer Happiness

 

My classroom all ready for the kids to come back! A sign summer is almost over
 

Day 55 of Summer Happiness

Fertility lucky charm bracelet passed on to me by a dear family member of mine
 
Day 56 of Summer Happiness

 

Welcome home! New mailbox (compliments of my parents) to go with our freshly painted house! Will reveal the house next week once gutters are up.
 

Day 57 of Summer Happiness

 

Our favorite pizza, thin sliced Grandma style !
 

Back to the Grind!

I promised a career update a long time ago and never delivered, so here it is! As many of my followers know, after my 5th year of educating fourth graders, I resigned from teaching this past June.

The 3 IVF miscarriages and years of fertility treatments had taken a toll on me. Leading twenty-four 10 year old kids in the middle of a miscarriage is far from easy.  Forget the hormones, egg retrievals, transfers, and such. I could manage to juggle those. It was the loss that was inexplicably difficult.

Now, don’t get me wrong, even though I resigned, my passion is to teach.  There is no feeling better than watching a child reach a level of success that they never thought they could reach.  The look on their face when they finally “get it” is irreplaceable.  And this goes for all students, not just the academically challenged, but the academically gifted too.  There is always a higher threshold to push them to, regardless of their so-called “level.”

This being said, I continued to work through my first 2 losses, only missing a day here or there (I had already missed days due to the IVF treatments).  I couldn’t stand the thought of letting my students down by not being there.  Plus, I am Type-A to the fullest, and the thought of losing control over my classroom drove me bonkers.  I don’t mean to sound conceited, or whatever you want to call it, but I knew that the person standing in my room just couldn’t deliver it to them the way I could. Yes, there are plenty of amazingly intelligent subs out there, but its not the same when they dont have that ongoing relationship with the child that the classroom teacher does. 

But when the 3rd and latest loss at almost 10 weeks happened, I couldn’t work through it like I had the others.  A.k.a. Game over.  I put in a medical leave for 1 month. I could have taken off 2 months, but that would have meant I would have missed all of their state testing.  I knew they needed the comfort of me and only me watching over them during those tests.  That is the only reason I came back after a month.  

While I was home during my medical leave, I was still working.  I went in before the subs got there in the mornings, made copies, created lesson plans, collected student papers, graded them, entered their grades, sent emails, etc.  It never stopped.  Not for one minute.

After my leave ended, I made it through the remaining 3 months of school left.  I underwent 2 surgeries during that time; it was tough, but my students always gave me purpose.  I knew how much they depended on me.  They brought me joy during such a terrible time, and I had missed them while I was gone.  It was only because of them that those 3 months flew by.

Thankfully, I was surrounded with supportive people throughout all of this.  The administration at my school encouraged me to take the time I needed to heal physically and mentally.  My RE gave me no trouble at all with filling out the needed paperwork so I could get approval by the school board.  Aflac also approved the leave and I actually got paid during it (not what I would have had I been working, but still something).

When the year ended and I put in my resignation, I really had no idea where God would lead me.  All I knew at that time was that I needed a change.  

I started looking for some employment here and there.  I knew I would continue to teach at the college come fall semester (I am signed up to teach two fall classes by the way!), but wasn’t sure what else I would do, if anything.  I went for a few interviews, and the day that I was offered a part-time gig at one of them my phone rang.

I was informed that one of the third grade teachers at the school I had taught at for 5 years had resigned during summer.  I was asked if I would be interested in taking the position.  Until that phone call, I had never considered going back.  Not once. But all of sudden, I was thinking.  And sooner rather than later, I realized I was thinking hard (remember my passion is to teach!).

I started talking with my family about the possibility.  If they didn’t think it was a good idea, I knew it couldn’t be.  That would make the decision very easy for me. But surprisingly, they were not against it at all. So, we started praying about it.  We made a list of the pros and cons.  I began talking to some of 3rd grade teachers that I would be working with.  I talked with my team of administrators.  I wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page…God forbid this could all happen again. I didn’t want any secrets about where we were in our so-called journey.

And lo and behold, I accepted the position! I signed on for this upcoming school year as a 3rd grade teacher, and I must tell you, I am so very excited about it.

God is simply amazing in how he works.  If I hadn’t resigned in June, I would not have ended up with this fresh start in my comfort zone.  It’s not everyday that you find bosses who want you back, even after all you have gone through. Most would probably be glad to see you go (keeping it real).

My new team is wonderful in every way.  Everyone knows our story, and is rooting us on.  My classroom is pretty much all put together now (thanks to my hubby and my mom) and I received my class list.  We only have 1 week until the students return (August 17th), but us teachers will be there for the entire week prior, starting tomorrow.  Yep, summer is officially over!

I wanted to update all of my fellow bloggers for a few reasons…1.) To share the great news of course! and 2.) In case I start to fall a little behind in responding to posts, or you don’t see posts from me as often, you will know why, and 3.) For lots of prayers for a SMOOTH school year (we will be doing a FET in October).

It will most likely be a busy few weeks as we start out the school year in 3rd grade, plus teaching the 2 college courses. Wish me luck!  I will post pics of my room soon 🙂

P.S. This is our last FB connected post (if you follow us only through FB).  Our page will still appear on FB, but no new posts will run through it!