Yesterday was our due date for our 3rd pregnancy. The day didnt start off the best. Im sure this was partly due to my mind being so wrapped up in what should have been. Part of me just wanted to feel bad I think, as strange as that may even sound. Almost like it would be terribly wrong of me not to feel awful on the day our babies should have been in our arms and werent. Everytime I felt somewhat decent (about 30% of the day), part of me felt guilty for it. I dont expect for everyone to understand this oddness or reason with it–it is what it is. I am OK with my feelings and learning to embrace them more & more.
So, here is how the day played out…
I woke up way too early for a Saturday, especially a long, Labor Day weekend, Saturday. It was still dark out and I found myself wrapped up in bed crying silent tears. I decided to push myself and get into the shower at 630 a.m. My hubby and dogs were still sound asleep like I should have been.
I got dressed and headed to get my pre-op bloodwork drawn for my upcoming Hysteroscopy. I had no intentions of going on this day, but I figured I might as well try and do something productive rather than lay in bed and cry. When I arrived, the line was literally out the door. There was not even a place to sit in the waiting room.
I decided I would go run another errand & head back, in hopes of the line dying down by then. So, I got a coffee and went to Publix. I walked over to the floral department and began looking at the balloons. I selected some pink and blue ones and had them blown up. As the clerk was blowing them up, he inquired, “birthday party to go to today?”
I was really dreading he would ask me that question, although it seems like a pretty reasonable one to ask! I stuttered over my words and my eyes filled quickly with hot tears. “No, they are for my twins that passed away,” I said. He looked floored. He didnt say anything for at least 10 seconds. All I could hear was the sound of the helium tank buzzing. Then, “Im so sorry to hear that.” I swallowed hard and said thanks. He looked sad.
I headed to the cashier, praying she wouldnt ask about the balloons too. God was good to me, because all she could focus on was my Steelers t-shirt. I headed back to get my blood drawn, all 7 vials. Unfortunately, the line was still out the door, and it took a total of 2 hours before I finally got out of that place.
When I made it back home late morning, all I wanted to do was lay back down. I felt bad because my husband was up, all showered and ready to go (we had planned to go shopping for the day). I was pretty snippy and said I was going to take a nap. In all honesty, I just crawled into bed and cried again for awhile. I did end up crying myself to sleep, but only slept for about an hour tops. By the time I got up, hubs was napping. I assume he got bored waiting on me to be done with my pity party. Needless to say, it was late afternoon when we both were up and actually functioning.
We ended up doing some much needed retail therapy like originally planned. When it was all said & done, I walked away with 2 pairs of work paints, 2 pairs of shoes, a pair of cheapy sunglasses, 3 cardigans, and 3 tops. There were tons of great holiday sales that could not be resisted! Hubs also made out well with 2 pairs of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 2 pairs of shoes, and 3 shirts. Following our shopping spree at the outlet mall, we tried to pinpoint about how long it had been since we had really shopped like that for ourselves… the verdict was quite a long time! And we agreed what better day to do it on.
After 3 plus hours of shopping, we ate a nice dinner and honored our angel babies with an intimate balloon release, just the 2 of us. I may post some pics of this release one day, but for now Im not.
Our night ended with college football on our big screen, a nice walk with our dogs, and some reflecting. I guess most importantly, we survived the day. At one point a few months ago, I was not sure if this would have been possible. I have learned we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
I am also glad we felt what we needed to on this day, it is a day that means so much to us. So many of our friends and family members reached out to check on us and we are blessed to have people in our lives who do this. It makes even the hardest days a little easier.
Today we are having a few close friends over to our house for a cook-out, enjoying our newly re-painted house and patio. I dont think we have had any friends over since our dog passed away in June 2014. Our lives have been so wrapped up in IVF cycles, pregnancies, miscarriages, surgeries, etc. that I am looking forward to having them over and relaxing. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holiday weekend, too!