Hysteroscopy Results 

I went to bed early last night so I didnt allow myself too much time to dwell on the procedure that awaited me this a.m. I woke about 3 a.m. and couldnt go back to sleep as my mind raced. I finally fell back asleep for a few hours and then it was time to get the show on the road.

I showered and put on my lucky socks and bracelet. 

 
My mom and I drove down to the clinic and I popped my first Valium when we got there, the next 2 about 20 minutes later. They took me back, checked all my vitals, I used the loo, and changed into my cap and gown (hopefully Ill be graduating soon!) 

 
I was in pretty good spirits about it all, I only shed a few tears right before my mom left and I think it was an effect of the Valiums (I seem to cry easily on it).  My RE came in, along with my RN, and her assistant. We small talked as they adminstered my IV. Within a few minutes I started to feel a little loopy. 
This time I stayed awake throughout the whole procedure even though I got the same dosage of narcotics I always have in the past. Maybe I am just used to them by now. Either way, it wasnt too painful, more uncomfortable than anything. I did my best to listen to what they were saying and look at the screen beside me that pictured my uterus. 

Drum roll please….my uterus is clear! The mass is gone. Completely. It was described as looking perfect!

Everyone was so excited! Its been awhile since we have had something this positive happen to us. I cried happy tears and thanked God over and over. Im still in shock to be honest. I prepared myself for it to go the other way today, but it didnt. We are so incredibly grateful. 

Ive been sleeping the day away as the drugs wear off. I am headed back to work tomorrow, and then Monday Ill be headed back to the clinic for my post-op appt, my day 3 ultra and blood, and start of stims. Thank you for your kind words and support about today! Prayer works. 

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Calendar is Up! 

I got my FET calendar today! So excited! I start meds (Lupron sub-q) this Sunday…ahhhh!!!!

My Hysteroscopy is this coming week so its all starting to feel so real again so fast. I will go for pre-op bloodwork tomorrow or Thursday. 

I just got off the phone ordering everything from the pharmacy that will get me from now until our pregnancy test. Cant believe we are almost there!

  

A Scare

Things have been relatively uneventful on the Lupron Depot the past 2 months as Ive said. That was until last week. 

When I first started my menstrual cycle early last week, it was right on time and rather light. I expected it to be light as my RE told me it would be and I also read that it would be.  And my cycles are light to begin with anyways.  

Well that “lightness” lasted about 3 days. Then it got pretty heavy, and that has continued on and off now for about 8 or 9 days. Usually my cycle only lasts 4 days max. Ive lost track of exactly how many days its been going on to be honest. 

I figured I should inform my RE of what was occurring, so I did, and she ordered me to get blood drawn ASAP. There was an immediate concern that the Lupron might not be doing what it should be doing… *SIGH*… seriously?

  

Side note: I cringed when I saw the word “STAT” on the order.  Havent seen that since my beta hell days.  

Well, I got my results back, and thankfully, all of my levels are as they should be if the Lupron is (trying) to do its job shrinking this mass. However, Im still bleeding. My RE doesnt think this is normal, so I am headed in for a scan in a few days just to be safe and cover all our bases. 

Dont ask me what safe would be at this point, because I have no freaking clue. Over the years, Ive learned not to ask too many questions ahead of time, because it can all change at the drop of a hat anyways. I am pretty sure I heard her say something about checking my lining, but I just said “okay.” Ill figure it all out soon enough when I see her. 

Praying that it looks as it should because gosh darn it already….shouldnt something just be easy?!?!

Due Date-a Reflection 

Yesterday was our due date for our 3rd pregnancy.  The day didnt start off the best. Im sure this was partly due to my mind being so wrapped up in what should have been. Part of me just wanted to feel bad I think, as strange as that may even sound.  Almost like it would be terribly wrong of me not to feel awful on the day our babies should have been in our arms and werent.  Everytime I felt somewhat decent (about 30% of the day), part of me felt guilty for it.  I dont expect for everyone to understand this oddness or reason with it–it is what it is.  I am OK with my feelings and learning to embrace them more & more. 

So, here is how the day played out…

I woke up way too early for a Saturday, especially a long, Labor Day weekend, Saturday.  It was still dark out and I found myself wrapped up in bed crying silent tears.  I decided to push myself and get into the shower at 630 a.m.  My hubby and dogs were still sound asleep like I should have been.  

I got dressed and headed to get my pre-op bloodwork drawn for my upcoming Hysteroscopy. I had no intentions of going on this day, but I figured I might as well try and do something productive rather than lay in bed and cry.  When I arrived, the line was literally out the door.  There was not even a place to sit in the waiting room.  

I decided I would go run another errand & head back, in hopes of the line dying down by then. So, I got a coffee and went to Publix.  I walked over to the floral department and began looking at the balloons.  I selected some pink and blue ones and had them blown up.  As the clerk was blowing them up, he inquired, “birthday party to go to today?” 

I was really dreading he would ask me that question, although it seems like a pretty reasonable one to ask! I stuttered over my words and my eyes filled quickly with hot tears. “No, they are for my twins that passed away,” I said.  He looked floored.  He didnt say anything for at least 10 seconds.  All I could hear was the sound of the helium tank buzzing. Then, “Im so sorry to hear that.”  I swallowed hard and said thanks. He looked sad.  

I headed to the cashier, praying she wouldnt ask about the balloons too. God was good to me, because all she could focus on was my Steelers t-shirt.  I headed back to get my blood drawn, all 7 vials.  Unfortunately, the line was still out the door, and it took a total of 2 hours before I finally got out of that place.

  

When I made it back home late morning, all I wanted to do was lay back down.  I felt bad because my husband was up, all showered and ready to go (we had planned to go shopping for the day).  I was pretty snippy and said I was going to take a nap.  In all honesty, I just crawled into bed and cried again for awhile. I did end up crying myself to sleep, but only slept for about an hour tops.  By the time I got up, hubs was napping.  I assume he got bored waiting on me to be done with my pity party.  Needless to say, it was late afternoon when we both were up and actually functioning.  

We ended up doing some much needed retail therapy like originally planned.  When it was all said & done, I walked away with 2 pairs of work paints, 2 pairs of shoes, a pair of cheapy sunglasses, 3 cardigans, and 3 tops. There were tons of great holiday sales that could not be resisted! Hubs also made out well with 2 pairs of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 2 pairs of shoes, and 3 shirts.  Following our shopping spree at the outlet mall, we tried to pinpoint about how long it had been since we had really shopped like that for ourselves… the verdict was quite a long time! And we agreed what better day to do it on. 

  

After 3 plus hours of shopping, we ate a nice dinner and honored our angel babies with an intimate balloon release, just the 2 of us. I may post some pics of this release one day, but for now Im not.  

Our night ended with college football on our big screen, a nice walk with our dogs, and some reflecting.  I guess most importantly, we survived the day. At one point a few months ago, I was not sure if this would have been possible.  I have learned we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. 

I am also glad we felt what we needed to on this day, it is a day that means so much to us.  So many of our friends and family members reached out to check on us and we are blessed to have people in our lives who do this.  It makes even the hardest days a little easier.  

Today we are having a few close friends over to our house for a cook-out, enjoying our newly re-painted house and patio.  I dont think we have had any friends over since our dog passed away in June 2014.  Our lives have been so wrapped up in IVF cycles, pregnancies, miscarriages, surgeries, etc. that I am looking forward to having them over and relaxing. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holiday weekend, too!

More Updates

Urine Test 

My results came back for the 24 hr. pee test.  I guess the fancy name for this test is the “Creatinine Clearance test.”  The nurse at my family Dr. called to set up an appointment for us to review the results next week.  Little does she know, I have already reviewed them because I have the “Quest app” where all of my results get sent straight to me.  I learned about this app after loss #2.  It’s a great way for me to know when my results come in for any test, rather than sit around wondering and waiting to hear from a Dr.  It’s also a fantastic way for me to keep track of my own records without having to request them from my Dr.’s.  If you go through Quest for any testing, I highly recommend you get it! Anyways, here is what the results say (not that I know how to interpret them, other than they are elevated): 

I will update on if there is any significance to this higher than normal level after my appointment with Dr. L next week.

Gastro Appointment

After reviewing my thick file a few weeks ago, the new RE recommended I see a Gastro Dr. since my Bilirubin and some other liver levels have been on the higher end over the past few years.  I really liked that the new RE recommended this Gastro visit, even though he thought, “there is most likely no correlation at all between these values and your pregnancy losses.”  He was correct, the Gastro Dr. I saw said the Bilirubin and MCH levels that are in the high range are benign and unrelated to RPL.

However, the Gastro Dr. also praised the new RE for referring me and making sure all of our bases are covered.  He reiterated that my Celiac panel came back normal, but if it hadn’t, that could have been a cause for my RPL. Then the Dr. opened up to me and told me that he and his wife had 3 miscarriages.  They eventually had 2 boys, but he said they almost lost both-one at 7 months gestation, and the other at birth.  This goes to show that miscarriage is indeed so much more common than we think.  He told me he would keep me in his prayers and for me to keep my faith, because he knows how hard it is.

I was so thankful to have visited a Dr. who was empathetic and not the other way around.  He ordered a few more tests (what do you know!!) just to be safe, and make sure there isn’t anything crazy going on with my liver.  He said it would be highly unlikely, and also highly unlikely anything with my liver could be playing into RPL, but not impossible.  At this point, I will do any test to be 100% sure there is no underlying condition being overlooked.  So, they took my blood and set me up for a scan of my liver.  The blood tested my Ferritin levels, and a few other things I cannot recall.  I will get notified via the app when the results come in anyways.  I plan to wait to set up the scan until I see what these results show.

I did show my 24 hr. urine results to the Gastro Dr. in case there could be any connection between it and my liver; he seemed to think that being high is not of too much concern, instead if they were low there would be more cause for concern. We will see if Dr. L confirms.

 Upcoming Appointments

Next week we see the new RE and our current RE.  These meetings are it as far as making a decision to which clinic we will use.  I have a list of different questions for each appointment.  I can’t deny it–I am sort of dreading making this decision. You would think I would be happy because then we can move forward! This might sound completely insane, but I am worried about offending whichever RE we do not go with.  Everyone tells me that should be of no concern to me, this is strictly business, etc.  I get that, but it still doesn’t change how I feel about hurting anyone’s feelings (probably sounds pretty lame of me). People have told me that whoever we choose probably won’t even care.  Maybe.  I guess I am naive and like to think everyone has a soft side to them.

My husband is so easy about who we go with, which might make it inadvertently harder on me.  He says, “wherever you feel the most comfortable” and “whatever is easiest on you” or things like that.  I know he says all of this because he means well and is so supportive, but it leaves me wondering even more what to do.  I am indecisive to say the least, so I am just praying God will make it really clear to us at those appointments one way or the other!

A Very Pregnant Lady, a Newborn, 2 Sets of Grandparents, & the Wrong Number

This morning I went to Quest to drop off my urine sample and get blood work taken.  By the way, the 24 hour urine test was rather gross.  I started to gag by the end of it, so I will spare you the details.

I signed in as usual when I arrived.  There were about 10 people in front of me in the waiting room.  As I waited, a family came in with a newborn.  It appeared to possibly be the grandparents with the baby, which was later confirmed through conversation. I started to squirm around in my seat when they came in, playing on my phone, doing anything to try to distract myself.  Then, a random older couple started striking up conversation with the newborn family.

Random older couple, a.k.a. 1st set of grandparents: Aw, look at him! I just love my grandkids! Aren’t they the best?

Family of the newborn a.k.a. 2nd set of grandparents: Yes! He is our first grandchild.  Just amazing!

I was trying so hard not to look at them. Everyone in the room “oohing” and “ahhing.”  On the outside, I am sure I looked like a miserable bitch who probably dislikes children; little does anyone in that room know what I have endured to get me to this point.  The simple, happy, normal conversation between strangers celebrating life now makes me extremely on edge.  If that wasn’t uncomfortable enough for me, what happened next surely was.

A very pregnant woman and what appeared to be her mom signed in.  She sits next to me, and across from the sets of grandparents and the newborn.  She is steadily rubbing her belly.  I am seriously wondering how much longer it will be before they call me, because I know it is only a matter of minutes before her and the newborn family start baby talking.  And of course, it began.

Grandparents 1: When are you due?

Pregnant woman: (says a date; I refused to listen)

Grandparents 2: Is this your first?

Pregnant woman: (laughing) No, my second, but it will be my last!

Pregnant woman’s mom: She has a girl already, but really wanted a boy.  It’s a girl again!

Grandparents 1: (laughing) They say boy sperms don’t swim as fast! (laughing)

Pregnant woman: (laughing more) I know..aren’t there supposed to be remedies for that?

They started making jokes on things you could do to help the sperm, or change the gender , or whatever.  I couldn’t bare to listen.  None of the jokes were true or made any sense by the way.  I was so tempted to look up and blurt something out, tell them how dumb they sounded.  I bit my lip hard.  I felt really angry.  Angry that no one in that place knew about all of the babies I lost.  Angry that pregnant woman had the nerve to be disappointed about the gender.  Angry that people make reproductive jokes, whether their intentions are good or not.  Most of all, I felt disappointed.  Disappointed that no one takes a moment to wonder what the other people in the waiting room could be going through. 

Maybe I am overreacting. Most likely I am.  But that’s OK though, I don’t care. I am allowed to have my days. 

I can say and have said that in some ways infertility and RPL have changed me for the better.  For example, not one situation goes by in my life now where I don’t project myself into the possible situation another person around me could be experiencing.  I am always thinking about what they could be going through.  When my husband comes home and complains about someone at work, the first words out of my mouth are, “be kind, you don’t know what he may be dealing with right now.”  I would have never said that 5 years ago.

Not too long ago, someone called me from a number I did not recognize.  I called it back and long story short, she kept calling me back, thinking I had called her when she really called me, and she thought I was quote, “messing with her man.”  I had no idea who this lady or man were.  She was cursing me out, screaming at me, threatening to beat me up, etc.  I never got impatient with the lady calling.  I kept telling her I would pray for her, and I was sorry she was going through what she was going through.  I was with one of my girl friends while all this was happening who said to me, “you are being way too nice to her…why???”

The truth is I felt so bad for her.  She obviously was dealing with something horrible in her life.  And I know how it feels to go through something really terrible.  I know how I want people to treat me.  However, I do wish for one moment she would have thought about what I might be going through, but she never did.  Nor did the people in the waiting room.  The world would be such a better place if people did wouldn’t it?

Our Second Miscarriage

The bleeding and cramping only progressed.  It started around 1 p.m. that Sunday, and by 4 p.m., had intensified significantly more.

We phoned the “on-call” doctor at our practice, who just happened to be our doctor that weekend. She tried to calm me down, explaining that many women bleed during pregnancy, especially early on, and they go on to deliver a healthy baby.  My husband tried to calm me down too; he said things were different this time, and that we weren’t going to lose this pregnancy like the last.

It didn’t really matter what anyone said, because as a woman, you know your body.  You know the difference between a bleed that doesn’t threaten the pregnancy continuing, and a bleed that means it is over. This bleed was not normal in any which way.  Our doctor told us that if the bleeding continued to worsen, and we needed peace of mind, we could go to the ER.  Or we could just wait until the next day and go in to her practice.

Well, the bleeding turned to heavy clotting, and by 6 p.m. we were at the ER.  They drew my blood right away to get a current beta status.  The beta came back within an hour around 5,000, which was an increase from the last one we had, but still not very high for almost 6 weeks.  Right after they drew my blood, I passed large amounts of what appeared to be tissue.  I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

ER

The ultrasound tech came in and nothing could be seen on the scan.  More devastation.  With beta’s that high, why couldn’t she see anything? Even just a sac? In my heart I knew then and I still know now, it was too late. What little was there to begin, had just been lost minutes after they drew my blood, and minutes before the scan. How do I know you ask? If you have been through a loss like this, you know the exact moment you lose the life that’s growing inside of you.  It’s just like knowing you are pregnant, you just know. So, it didn’t matter what any doctor, nurse, or sonographer told me; I knew it was over, and I knew when it ended.

They kept me in the ER until about midnight or so.  I didn’t want to get up anyways.  For what? To face the fact that it was over? To go out into the world that I hated for being so cruel to us? To go back to normal day to day life and pretend everything was OK? I kept thinking this had to be a nightmare.  It truly felt like it.  My husband sat next to me the whole time, and he couldn’t really say much. What is there to say anyways?

I went to our doctor the next morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Believe it or not, she was still hopeful, and so was he.  She said there was a”possibility” it was too early to see the sacs and/or babies.  She firmly believed it was twins, and with twins it can take a little longer to see things, even with high betas.

The beta came back that night at 1,700 with an, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, but you have lost the pregnancy.”  At that moment, I felt everything inside of me, all of the blood, sweat, and tears, rush to my face.  I hung up the phone with her and lost it.  My husband was still working.  I fell on the floor and just cried like a baby.  And I yelled out at God, “WHY???” over and over again.  How could this even be happening? It wasn’t fair!!! All of the years.  All of the trying.  All of the time.  All of the effort.  All of the sacrifice.  All of the hope.  All of the joy.  All for nothing, except another loss; another scar.

When he got home, we were silent.  We just laid and cried.  There wasn’t much to say.  The only thing I asked him to do was to put away anything that had to do with this pregnancy-all the positive tests, medications, calendars, books, pictures, receipts, all of it.  I hated it all.

anger