Heterotopic Pregnancy Awareness

Since my near death experience, and the loss of yet another pregnancy, I have been thinking about if there is some good that could come from it all (other than the beautiful life still inside of my uterus of course). 

Although I do not know the exact answer as to why it all happened to me, and likely never will, I do know that it is now my responsibility to bring awareness to this rare, dangerous condition.  

When I first started experiencing spotting that Thursday morning, I was just 1 day short of 5 weeks pregnant. It was initially light, and mostly brown. I didnt think much of it. I chalked it up to implantation bleeding since it was so early on.  

We had just transferred two beautiful embryos 14 days prior and had received the news it worked. Our betas that week came back very high. We all (doctor included) immediately thought twins. We were thrilled. 

The spotting continued and started to turn to pink and red bleeding. By Sunday, I was experiencing sharp, shooting pains on my left side (posterior) by my hip. I called the on call service at my clinic and they set me up an appointment for Monday morning. I was sure I was miscarrying again. 

Monday morning I went in for an ultrasound. My RE was on vacation so my nurse performed the scan. I was just 5 weeks and 3 days, so there was very well a possibility of seeing nothing. But she did see one gestational and yolk sac. I was initally surprised by only one, especially with my high numbers and transferring 2. She reminded me that by next week we could see the other sac since it was so early on. The scan was over with in a few minutes, and she reassured me that bleeding early on in pregnancy is common. 

I went on my way, grateful that I had a life growing inside of me and that I hadnt miscarried. The bleeding didnt stop though. Within 2 days it was gushing out of me. I went in for a blood test to make sure my levels werent dropping. They were perfect. 

Over the next few days, I bled, passing a few clots and just feeling off. Something didnt seem right. I was 6 weeks and 2 days when things took a turn for the worse. I woke up in the middle of the night to a sharp, stabbing, shooting pain like I had never felt before. Again, it was on my left posterior side by my hip. This time though, a week later, it was much more intense. I got up, and tried to make it to the bathroom as I was seeing stars. It felt as if I had too much to drink and the room was spinning. I was either miscarrying or dying in my mind. I puked in my mouth. It was awful. 

I called the doctor (who was now back in town) the next morning. By this time, I could barely move. It felt as if I was being crushed. I couldnt even take a deep breath. She told me to come in right away. 

Immediately she saw a beating heart. I was happy but knew something still was not right. This time, instead of telling me bleeding is common early on, she started to really scan me. She was in there for about 10 minutes at least, having me move certain ways and such. 

At that point it became clear-our other embryo had implanted into my left tube. It had now ruptured and I was bleeding internally. Blood was all thoughout my stomach, up to my liver. She gave it one more day and I would have been gone. 

The point of me sharing this is to help someone out there. Not once, did anyone, myself included, consider that I could have had a tubal pregnancy until it ruptured. Especially since I had a uterine pregnancy. I do believe if the uterine pregnancy wasnt there, it would have been found sooner. All the signs of a tubal pregnancy were there but we were all blinded. 

In my case, things worked out for the best. My RE was able to remove my tube and save me and my uterine pregnancy. Had my nurse found it when my RE was out of town, I dont know how it would have played out. I know my RE is the only one I wanted operating on me, hence God works in mysterious ways. 

Heterotopic pregnancies via IVF are a 1 in 10,000 occurrence. In natural pregnancies, I believe it is even more rare, not sure of the exact number, something like 1 in 30,000. Many are under the impression that IVF cannot result in a tubal pregnancy, which is simply not the case. When an IVF transfer is done, the embryos are placed into the uterus through a catheter. Hubby & I watched this happen on the screen as little white dots. Once in the uterus, they are basically floating around, looking for a spot to implant. They can go wherever they please. 

In no way am I a doctor, but here are some signs that I feel should not be ignored or accepted as common, especially after placing 2 embryos in the uterus and getting back extremely high betas-

• Continous bleeding that starts as spotting, goes from brown to pink to red and back again 
• Sharp shooting pains in the hips on the posterior side 
• Vision obscured 
• Having difficulty breathing
• Feeling that something is just not right (listen to your body!) 

I hope I can turn our sadness to some good, and that this post can save someones life, their tube, their baby, whatever it might be. 

FET #3: In the Thick of the Wait

I guess I must have forgotten how horrendous the 2ww can be. Especially after an IVF transfer. Ugh! 

I can actually say I was happy to go back to work today after being off since Thursday last week. At least at work my mind doesnt have as much time to wonder. At this point, Im mostly just wondering if it even worked or not. I can only see 1 milestone at a time, no further. And to be honest, even at work, when busy, I still caught myself going there from time to time.  Oh well, I guess its the norm with all this right?

Symptoms? 

Ive had quite a bit of achiness and a little cramping on both sides of my uterus today. Im pretty in tune with it, and its been hard to ignore. Really thats all for today.  

Diet? 

Hubs packed all my healthy lunches for the week yesterday. I offered to do it, but he wouldnt let me. He really tried to keep me relaxed & off my feet all weekend. So cute. Anyways, Ive got several salads packed with hard boiled eggs, topped with tons of veggies, P & J sandwiches, hummus dip, beans, etc. Tonight for dinner we had parmesan zucchini crusted chicken breasts with mashed potatoes and green beans. It was delish! 

What else????

Last night I had a dream that we took an HPT and got a positive. I woke up so excited & then realized it was a dream. We really want this to work so badly! I cant even put it into words. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local home store so she could pick me up a few more pineapple placemats to go with the ones that my aunt originally bought me (she got me 4, I needed 6).  We got the placemats & I told her I wanted to make a “faith” purchase while we were there. Meaning, I wanted to buy something that shows I believe this is going to work; that we will be bringing home our baby or babies this winter. We walked towards the 1 aisle in the store that carried baby things. As soon as we turned the aisle, the first thing my eyes saw was this…

  

I almost cried. I grabbed it & told my mom it was a sign. If you dont know, our last name is Fish (yes, Fish) and Ive been feeling we will have a girl. My mom said, “well arent you going to get 2?” By the time I was done thinking about it, she had already got it. Then she reminded me how when I was younger she always told me I was going to have twin girls! I had totally forgotten. 

Things I Want the World to Know

If this IVF cycle fails, I already have my next tattoo picked out. Just need to decide on the spot it will go.

I would really like to have a cute, normal pregnancy annoucement one day. I feel like infertility and pregnancy loss have robbed me of this. 

We have decided to transfer 2 embryos again this time (Ill save the logistics of why for a later post). Thats right, we could be twinning soon! We currently have 3 embryos left in all, so after this cycle just 1. The amount of embryos we have transferred each cycle so far has followed the pattern of 1-2-2-

The pattern will continue at 1-2-2-2-

It will eventually end at 1-2-2-2-1.

I prefer the intramuscular injections this cycle over the vaginal inserts (never again) in all of our prior cycles, which I never thought Id say. Dont miss the mess at all. I can deal with a few moments of pain everyday. 

I am struggling to get off the coffee. Not even going to lie. 

I have no clue how I will give up my steaming hot baths that I love in less than a week. I cant bath without it super hot, so that isnt an option. I think I will miss it more than anything else. 

I am already planning out our gender reveal party and baby shower. I know, crazy to some. But I have found having hopes and dreams are much better than not. Our gender reveal will include just close friends and family, and we will most likely have more than 1 shower. If this cycle works out, we want our reveal to be in July & our showers in October/November. 

I know there will always be another milestone to reach from transfer day on out . Here they are as they come to mind-

• A positive pregnancy test 
• Rising betas (3 blood draws over 3 days during wks 4/5)
• Viability ultrasound at 7 wks 
• Passing 10 wks (the furthest along we have ever been) 
• First trimester ending at 13 wks 
• Cervix not shortening 
• Anatomy scan at 20 wks
• Viability at 24 wks 
• I cant think any further than this! 

Thanks for listening to all my rambling! 

Transfer Day “Stuff”

One benefit to being an IVF vet is that you know what to expect on transfer day and can prepare for it (for the most part).  

Since this is our 4th transfer (4th times a charm!), I feel more prepared than ever before. I am not really talking mentally, although I do feel good about that too. I am referring more to the fun (oh Lord, did I just say fun!?) side of all this I guess? If there is such a thing?! 

Anyways, here is what I have planned so far for FET #3, transfer day #4 (still a few weeks away)-

Transfer Day Shirt-Of course none other than a pineapple would be acceptable (followed by eating some pineapple core)! 

  

Transfer Day Pineapple Socks– ordered online & never worn before! Waiting for the big day to sport these.

  

Transfer Day Pink & Blue Baby Charm Bracelet-passed down to me by a family member, and fellow IVFer who had her miracle twin babies. She wore it during her journey, and now I am wearing it through ours.

  

Transfer Day Drink of Choice… Organic, Sparkling Pomegranate (carbonated water)- This old wives tale drink is delish and we have a pretty good stash ready to go post transfer. 
  

Transfer Day Snack of Choice…Brazilian Nuts! Another old wives tale for sticky feet. All stocked up!

  

Transfer Day Reading-recommended to me from a few ladies in my IG community. This book is so adorable & perfect for any couple trying to conceive! 

  

Transfer Day Therapy- Circle + Bloom meditation continues. Except now its transfer day/post transfer listening time!!!

  

Im sure a few other transfer day things will be planned as we get closer, but I just couldnt contain myself from being excited and thinking about it all today!! 

Prayers for a nice, thick lining at Mondays appointment. 

January 28, 2015

  

A year ago today we found out we lost baby B, but that baby A, who we later named Isaiah (above), was measuring perfect at 8w4d, and his heart was beating just as it should.  

   
    

I remember how he was jumping around like a little jelly bean during the ultrasound! We could even see his little feet! 

My singleton due date was officially set for 9-5-14.  

Little did we know we would not make it until that day with him, or even get to see another ultrasound of him alive. 

Always thinking of you, and trying to make you proud of your mommy, my precious angel babies 💙💗

Lupron Injection #2

We are 2/3 of the way through treatment as of today! Woot woot! I got my 2nd injection done this morning and it was just a *little* bit worse than the first time. 

The only reason I think it was more painful today was because I knew what to expect and thus, I tensed up the muscle pretty good when the needle was going in. By the time she told me not to tense up, it was too late. Lol. But it was still over rather quickly & Im just happy its done! 

On my way out we set up 3 more appointments-

1. Injection #3 (the final one)
2. Hysteroscopy 
3. FET consult with RE for our dates/plan

I was also given a script for some bloodwork. A total CBC and beta before the hysteroscopy, and then another one for all my levels before the actual FET. My nurse confirmed they got my most recent pap results from my OB while I was there today too. Overall, I felt like it was a very productive visit! 

After the appointment, my mom & I went to lunch by the water at our favorite spot by my RE’s office. 

  
Almost exactly a year ago to the day, we ate there together after one of the twins (good) ultrasounds.  We discussed this briefly, but there was a sense of peace with it.  I shared with my mom an image of the grief cycle and how I feel I am *mostly* on the up & up now.  

  

Lunch was delicious as always, and we browsed a few of the fancy shops afterwards for fun (most of the tank tops are like $80 each and there are no sale racks!). Finally, we stopped by a plant nursery on our way home since my mom is redoing her landscaping.  The weather is absolutely gorge out today, mid-60’s and sunny.  

Now its time to ice/heat this buttocks of mine so it doesnt cramp up! It already has a few times since earlier this morning 😳

On This Day a Year Ago

  
We found out we were expecting twins from our 2nd FET. 

We saw the flickers and heard the beautiful sounds of their beating hearts on this very day 1 year ago. Something that will never be forgotten. 

Sweet baby A and sweet baby B, today we will be thinking of you even more than we usually do 💗💙 

Left Behind

Today, I feel left behind. It’s a grave feeling, one that tugs deep down at my soul.  It’s a quiet pain, watching the days and months turn into years, passing by with an empty womb and empty arms, making for an empty heart.  Watching everyone enjoy their growing families.  At times like this, I briefly feel bitterness and anger, but not nearly as much as I used to.  When I feel left behind like this now, I am consumed by hurt more than any other emotion.

Yes, I have triggers that make me feel awful, and for the most part, I try to avoid them. Usually this involves people complaining about their kids or pregnancies, making jokes about getting pregnant, or acting like I do not understand their kid problems because I am not a mom in their eyes (“just wait, you will see”).

But there are also things that I choose not to avoid anymore, like FB pregnancy announcements, bump updates, and newborn photo shoots. I used to run from these, now I try my best to find joy for those people.  After all, these are happy things.  Dont get me wrong, some days it is still too much to bear.

Overall, I think I have learned to make the most of the cards I have been dealt and so, the majority of the time I try to believe this is just a shitty chapter of our love story.  But when I am brutally honest with myself, I know that being childless might not be just a chapter; it might be how this story ends.  Before you tell me not to give up, that no one can stop me from being a mother, hear me out.  Let me whine and listen to what I want, please.

Part of me wishes I could turn back time, which I just told my husband the other night.  If I could, I dont know if I would have ever done IVF. Seriously. I dont care how strong it has made me/us. My husband & I were so incredibly naive. We truly thought it was the ultimate fix.  We believed wholeheartedly we had a simple issue (male factor), and we would succeed the first time.  Never in our worst nightmare did we imagine that two years and over 30,000 later we would be sitting here with nothing to show except broken hearts and dreams. Oh, and wallets, but honestly money is the last concern if you have gone through what we have…FACT.

Anyways, 5 lost babies and now we are being faced with the news that I may never be able to carry our child.  That appointment is just 2 days away from now; something we never fathomed. We are so deep in the IVF trenches it is almost like there is no turning back.  I know some of you ladies here me on this.

I dont regret carrying our babies for the time that I did, but at times I do regret jumping full force into something I really didnt fully understand. I wish so badly that IVF would have been the answer for us, the answer every infertile couple is so desperately searching for.  Maybe it still could be, but not without a lifetime of scars along with it.

Over the years, I have watched each and every one of my close friends grow their family.  Keep in mind that none of these close friends had any kids back at our wedding, when we began our TTC journey. In fact, only 1 of my close friends you that you will read about below was married before my husband and I were.  The rest got married after us and have since easily lapped us many times over.  

My maid of honor, has just given birth to her second child, who was due just weeks before our last would have come into the world a month ago.

Another bridesmaid is delivering her 3rd child tomorrow, who would have also been just weeks apart from the birth of our last child a month ago.

My friend who read at our wedding ceremony just delivered her first born, just a few months before our last child would have been born.

Yes, all 3 of these friends above were pregnant and due within 2 months of when I should have been with our last.  In high school, us 4 were the best of friends.  The 3 of them carried to full term together, but I didn’t make it.

A different one of my bridesmaids underwent IVF and successfully conceived and gave birth to healthy twins after their first fresh transfer.

A close friend of mine for the past 18 years adopted twin boys and completed her desire for a family.

Another friend underwent medicated cycles at home through our same RE, conceived, and gave birth to her son, just a few months before our 3rd would have entered the world last month.

A friend has just had her second child, due weeks apart from when our 2nd would have come, naming him Noah, a name we both loved.

A close friend of my husbands who was a groomsman in our wedding gave birth to his son the day our son was scheduled to be here last month.

Am I happy for all of my dear friends? Absolutely.  It has nothing to do with that.  Remember the title of this post, please.  

Even here, in the blogging world, I am seeing so many ladies graduate on.  Again, I am so pleased for them (because of course that is the point!!), but at the same time, I am sad because I wonder if I will still talk with them as much.  I have seen a lot of bloggers disappear once they finally become pregnant. I pray not to loose that support.  

I think you get the point by now, if not here it is….I feel left behind today.  I want my baby.  Our baby.  I want to get pregnant at home with my husband. I want some of the normalcy all around me to rub off on us! 

I wish IVF would have worked on the first try, or even the 2nd or 3rd try.  I want to erase all my losses away. Why did I have to fall pregnant each time, only to suffer a loss??? It is one of the cruelest feelings one could ever know, to have joy ripped out from inside of you.  

And now, after all this, to be told that being pregnant all those times was basically a tease, that it may never happen again, is the icing on the cake… I don’t want a gestational carrier, I don’t want another surgery, or 10th opinion, I don’t want to adopt, keep putting our lives on hold, or spend thousands of more dollars…I just want it to be easy for me, just for once! Imagine being pregnant so many times but never experiencing it completely.  Like I said, a tease. Empty arms.  

If you are reading this and have not experienced infertility, or infertility coupled with recurrent loss, or loss in general, I pray you never do. Cherish every moment of your pregnancy and your children. I still remember the last time I felt pregnant, before I knew it was all over, and it is something I will never forget. If you are reading this and it is the opposite, and you are like me, my heart goes out to you.  

I want a miracle…to wake up from this nightmare that NO ONE should have to go through…to get pregnant, and carry a healthy child to full term without having a nervous breakdown during those 40 weeks. I want to catch up and experience some of the joy taking place all around me.  Is that too much to ask??? Guess so.  

Due Date-a Reflection

Yesterday was our due date for our 3rd pregnancy.  The day didnt start off the best. Im sure this was partly due to my mind being so wrapped up in what should have been. Part of me just wanted to feel bad I think, as strange as that may even sound.  Almost like it would be terribly wrong of me not to feel awful on the day our babies should have been in our arms and werent.  Everytime I felt somewhat decent (about 30% of the day), part of me felt guilty for it.  I dont expect for everyone to understand this oddness or reason with it–it is what it is.  I am OK with my feelings and learning to embrace them more & more. 

So, here is how the day played out…

I woke up way too early for a Saturday, especially a long, Labor Day weekend, Saturday.  It was still dark out and I found myself wrapped up in bed crying silent tears.  I decided to push myself and get into the shower at 630 a.m.  My hubby and dogs were still sound asleep like I should have been.  

I got dressed and headed to get my pre-op bloodwork drawn for my upcoming Hysteroscopy. I had no intentions of going on this day, but I figured I might as well try and do something productive rather than lay in bed and cry.  When I arrived, the line was literally out the door.  There was not even a place to sit in the waiting room.  

I decided I would go run another errand & head back, in hopes of the line dying down by then. So, I got a coffee and went to Publix.  I walked over to the floral department and began looking at the balloons.  I selected some pink and blue ones and had them blown up.  As the clerk was blowing them up, he inquired, “birthday party to go to today?” 

I was really dreading he would ask me that question, although it seems like a pretty reasonable one to ask! I stuttered over my words and my eyes filled quickly with hot tears. “No, they are for my twins that passed away,” I said.  He looked floored.  He didnt say anything for at least 10 seconds.  All I could hear was the sound of the helium tank buzzing. Then, “Im so sorry to hear that.”  I swallowed hard and said thanks. He looked sad.  

I headed to the cashier, praying she wouldnt ask about the balloons too. God was good to me, because all she could focus on was my Steelers t-shirt.  I headed back to get my blood drawn, all 7 vials.  Unfortunately, the line was still out the door, and it took a total of 2 hours before I finally got out of that place.

  

When I made it back home late morning, all I wanted to do was lay back down.  I felt bad because my husband was up, all showered and ready to go (we had planned to go shopping for the day).  I was pretty snippy and said I was going to take a nap.  In all honesty, I just crawled into bed and cried again for awhile. I did end up crying myself to sleep, but only slept for about an hour tops.  By the time I got up, hubs was napping.  I assume he got bored waiting on me to be done with my pity party.  Needless to say, it was late afternoon when we both were up and actually functioning.  

We ended up doing some much needed retail therapy like originally planned.  When it was all said & done, I walked away with 2 pairs of work paints, 2 pairs of shoes, a pair of cheapy sunglasses, 3 cardigans, and 3 tops. There were tons of great holiday sales that could not be resisted! Hubs also made out well with 2 pairs of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 2 pairs of shoes, and 3 shirts.  Following our shopping spree at the outlet mall, we tried to pinpoint about how long it had been since we had really shopped like that for ourselves… the verdict was quite a long time! And we agreed what better day to do it on. 

  

After 3 plus hours of shopping, we ate a nice dinner and honored our angel babies with an intimate balloon release, just the 2 of us. I may post some pics of this release one day, but for now Im not.  

Our night ended with college football on our big screen, a nice walk with our dogs, and some reflecting.  I guess most importantly, we survived the day. At one point a few months ago, I was not sure if this would have been possible.  I have learned we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. 

I am also glad we felt what we needed to on this day, it is a day that means so much to us.  So many of our friends and family members reached out to check on us and we are blessed to have people in our lives who do this.  It makes even the hardest days a little easier.  

Today we are having a few close friends over to our house for a cook-out, enjoying our newly re-painted house and patio.  I dont think we have had any friends over since our dog passed away in June 2014.  Our lives have been so wrapped up in IVF cycles, pregnancies, miscarriages, surgeries, etc. that I am looking forward to having them over and relaxing. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holiday weekend, too!

Dreams Turning Into Reality

I am a firm believer that our dreams hold meaning in our lives. In fact, I have had several dreams that I have watched come true in my own life.

A few nights ago, I had one of those vivid, oh-so-very-real dreams.  The kind you wake up from and have to pinch yourself to make sure it wasn’t real.  This dream involved one of my best friends and I.  I should preface this by saying that she is currently pregnant, with a due date within weeks of what Isaiah and his twin’s would have been.

Before I detail the dream, let me give some background on it all.

When my friend and I found out we were pregnant together back in December, we were ecstatic.  We had actually been pregnant together just months before, but unfortunately both of us lost those pregnancies.  So when we both got pregnant again, we were sure this time we would both make it all the way.

We conversated daily, praying that our worst fears wouldn’t come true again, but that our hopes and dreams for our future babies would instead.  Things were going really great for both of us, we were making all the milestones together-doubling beta’s, heartbeats on ultrasounds, morning sickness reassuring us we were in fact pregnant.

But right around the week she made it out of her first trimester, something awful happened with our pregnancy-we lost it.

It was one of those moments in life they like to call a defining moment.  At that moment, I knew everything was about to change.  Not just between my husband & I, our families, our future, but also between my best friend & I.  She made it, and I didn’t.  Again.  This may not make sense to someone who has not been in this particular situation.  Let me put it to you this way-you feel as though your guts have been ripped out from inside of you and stomped on, only to have to pick them up and put them back inside.

There was nothing I could ever do to change the fact that our children would no longer be just weeks apart.  Nothing.  There was no longer anything I could share with her everyday about my pregnancy.  There was no longer anyway I could be involved in her pregnancy.  A defining moment, where everything changed.

And so, I removed myself from it all.  Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

That brings us back to the dream.  I dreamt that she was having her baby sprinkle, and I was there.  There were presents and people galore, but I couldn’t tell you who the people were or what the presents were.  The dream centered solely around the two of us.  

We were walking around together in awe of how beautiful everything looked.  Then she took me into a separate room, just the two of us.  The only thing in the room was a couch, which we quickly sat down on.  After we sat, a slide show started being projected on the wall.  This wasn’t just any slide show.  My friend told me, “I have some special things for you.”  The slide show began and it was a variety of images of navy blue whales, the ones I dreamed of decorating our baby boys room in. We sat and giggled and watched them swim around on the screen.  

Next, she pulled out a bundle of cards that were all tied together.  I started to read through the cards, bawling my eyes out.  She was too.  I can’t remember anything the cards said, only that each one was to honor baby, Isaiah and his twin. We hugged and cried, her big belly all I could feel.  I took my head and rested it on her stomach, waiting for her baby to kick.  She smiled, and so did I.  It was a defining moment.

I woke up feeling like a bond had just been reestablished.  I felt almost like a different person.  I texted her that morning and told her all about my dream.  I told her how happy I am for her that she is going to deliver her baby next week, and that I love her, and am here for her.  Of course, she understood fully.  After all, she is my dear friend, who I went to high school & college with, who stood beside me on my wedding day as my maid of honor, and I on hers, who has been there through it all.

I am positive this dream had deep meaning to it.  To me, it represented acceptance.  Acceptance of what was, and is no longer.  Acceptance of what still is and will be.