I Will Never Forget 

Although we have finally made it to a point in our pregnancy where we are very hopeful we will bring our rainbow baby home, it doesnt mean I will ever forget. 

I’ll never forget the sleepless nights dreaming of what it would be like to become pregnant and watch my belly grow. To feel life inside of me. 

I’ll never forget the desperation every month to see 2 pink lines. The timed intercourse over & over again, the old wives tales I held on to, organic foods I stuffed myself with, and the vitamins I overdosed with time & time again. 

I’ll never forget the disappointment and heartache month after month when it never happened on its own. Ever. 

I’ll never forget how scary every single treatment I had was. Every shot, ultrasound, IV of anesthesia, blood draw, d & c, egg retrieval, fibroid removal, hysteroscopy, HSG, tube removal, MRI, SIS, and transfer.

The various emotions I felt monthly, if not daily…bitterness, denial, hope, sadness, excitement, fear, anger, love, jealousy, peace, rage, the list goes on. 

I’ll never forget all the 2 week waits and the bargains I tried to make with God. If you….then I’ll…

I’ll never forget all the arguments and money spent trying to have a baby, something that should be so easy. 

I’ll never forget how I had to put my career on hold to be able to carry our baby. Something most women can do without a problem. Why couldnt I be normal too? 

I’ll never forget all the tears shed every pregnancy that was stolen from us.

I’ll never forget what it was like to hold my breath everytime I went to the bathroom pregnant, praying for no blood. 

I’ll never forget all the family and friend gatherings I avoided over the years to remain somewhat sane. 

I’ll never forget the anger and why’s I yelled out to God. 

I’ll never forget all of the endless trips to the doctor and psychologist. The anxiety attacks, nightmares, and medications that followed. 

I’ll never forget all the nights I tried to self numb my pain and distract myself but it never worked. Shopping trips, yoga, girls nights, drinks, date nights, you name it. 

I’ll never forget all of those pregnancy announcements that seemed to come so easy for some. The endless bump shots and ultrasound photos I couldnt bare to see at times. 

I’ll never forget what it feels like to be left behind or misunderstood. Gut wrenching. 

I’ll never forget the conversations based solely around kids and being the only one in the group without one. Trying to find an excuse to get away before bursting into tears. 

I’ll never forget what it was like to fake a smile just to get through the days without having to explain. 

I’ll never forget the support of those who picked me up when I needed it the most. 

I’ll never forget all of the people in this community who helped me realize I wasnt alone. Oh the gratitude. 

I’ll never forget all the babies we lost. Every date is forever in my heart. 

I’ll never forget that we are in fact infertiles and suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. 

And I’ll never truly feel we “beat infertility” as it will always be a part of us. Always. 

FET #3: In the Thick of the Wait

I guess I must have forgotten how horrendous the 2ww can be. Especially after an IVF transfer. Ugh! 

I can actually say I was happy to go back to work today after being off since Thursday last week. At least at work my mind doesnt have as much time to wonder. At this point, Im mostly just wondering if it even worked or not. I can only see 1 milestone at a time, no further. And to be honest, even at work, when busy, I still caught myself going there from time to time.  Oh well, I guess its the norm with all this right?

Symptoms? 

Ive had quite a bit of achiness and a little cramping on both sides of my uterus today. Im pretty in tune with it, and its been hard to ignore. Really thats all for today.  

Diet? 

Hubs packed all my healthy lunches for the week yesterday. I offered to do it, but he wouldnt let me. He really tried to keep me relaxed & off my feet all weekend. So cute. Anyways, Ive got several salads packed with hard boiled eggs, topped with tons of veggies, P & J sandwiches, hummus dip, beans, etc. Tonight for dinner we had parmesan zucchini crusted chicken breasts with mashed potatoes and green beans. It was delish! 

What else????

Last night I had a dream that we took an HPT and got a positive. I woke up so excited & then realized it was a dream. We really want this to work so badly! I cant even put it into words. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local home store so she could pick me up a few more pineapple placemats to go with the ones that my aunt originally bought me (she got me 4, I needed 6).  We got the placemats & I told her I wanted to make a “faith” purchase while we were there. Meaning, I wanted to buy something that shows I believe this is going to work; that we will be bringing home our baby or babies this winter. We walked towards the 1 aisle in the store that carried baby things. As soon as we turned the aisle, the first thing my eyes saw was this…

  

I almost cried. I grabbed it & told my mom it was a sign. If you dont know, our last name is Fish (yes, Fish) and Ive been feeling we will have a girl. My mom said, “well arent you going to get 2?” By the time I was done thinking about it, she had already got it. Then she reminded me how when I was younger she always told me I was going to have twin girls! I had totally forgotten. 

FET #3: 3dp6dt

For all my non-infertile followers, the lingo means 3 days past a 6 day (old embryo) transfer. Day 1 is counted as transfer day since it is an FET. So yesterday was day 2, and here we are today at day 3 already. 

In the past, I have gotten a positive pregnancy test at home as early as 6dp6dt. People have asked me numerous times if I will test at home this time. The honest answer is I have no clue. Every time I tested in the past during the 2ww, I already knew intuititively that it worked. I had a good amount of symptoms early on in the past so I wasnt that scared to test at home before beta day. For now, I am just taking things literally one hour at a time. 

Do I have any symptoms so far? 

Each day I have had some, quick, slight twinges and a sharp cramp here or there. Nothing major. I know this could be the embryo(s) trying to implant. Its really hard mentally not knowing if they have succeeded in doing so when I feel that. I can only hope so. 

Other minor “symptoms” I noted- 

1 dizzy spell per day since 1dp6dt. This has been a sign of a BFP in the past for me, but I really dont want to read too much into it. Could just be dizzy. Same goes for my extremely dry mouth in the middle of the night the past 2 nights.  Could just be thirsty. This morning, at 3dp6dt, I felt nauseous. This could easily be my nerves, as it is totally gone now. And lastly, when hubs & I had lunch today, things stunk really bad. Again, could be a coincidence, but Id like to note all that happens for my own records as I have in the past.  For the most part, I feel totally normal, which makes sense because it is so early. 

How has my diet been?

Overall, healthy. I already told you what I ate on transfer day, so I wont go there again. 

2dpt6dt-multigrain waffles, avocado & banana smoothie & pomegranate juice for breakfast, a salad topped with chicken, tomatoes, cucs, mushrooms, carrots, etc. for lunch, beef stir fry with asparagus for dinner, pineapple core & brazilian nuts for dessert. 

Today-almost exactly the same breakfast & lunch as above, but add in a hard boiled egg (thanks mom for making me these!) & some raspberry serbet from Kilwins. Dinner is yet to be served, but will be chicken, potatoes,& green beans. 

How is bedrest going?

Good! Ive just been taking it easy, but not confining myself to a bed. Ive elevated my feet often to keep my blood flowing when I am resting. I must say that I am so thankful for my hubby. He has cooked me all my meals, taken care of the dogs, & kept up with things around the house. Im also so thankful for my mom & stepdad, who came over yesterday & brought me these absolutely beautiful flowers. 

  

I have been binge watching some shows, reading, praying (a lot in the middle of the night), & meditating to my Circle + Bloom CD. Ive also been cuddling up with my dog & a blanket in my comfy Papasan chair out on the porch since the weather has been so gorge. Ive been napping quite a bit, as I have been waking up through the night more than usual. 

Today, we decided to get out for a bit & go to a luxury cinema. We had never been to one, & boy was it cool! This one had huge, reclining comfy seats, a full service bar and menu, and a wait staff.  We saw Batman v. Superman (hubbys choice not mine), I would have preferred Zootopia, but you cant have everything can you? 

   
   
How am I doing mentally? 

Okay. Some moments are really tough. I bought this lovely 2 week wait cards and yesterdays hit home. 

  

My biggest concern right now is that it didnt work. When I read the card, and it said “how would you handle if your worst fear came true?”  I decided to really think about it. My answer was “I wouldnt give up, we would try again.” It did help me handle this fear. I just need to keep reminding myself of this now. 

Its been really nice being off work. I head back Monday. Im praying for the kids to go easy on me; thankfully I am blessed with an amazing group of kids this year. I need to remind myself not to push it, there is only 1 month left until summer. Less stress, the better. 

Will update soon with more rambling…Prayers that Itty & Bitty are already snuggled, or snuggling in 👶🏻👶🏻

Down to the Wire

Transfer day is just a few days away! Hard to believe it is finally here!!! 

I got an email today telling us what time to arrive, with a few other instructions. I always request a valium before transfer so I am chilled out to the max, so the prescription for that was included in the message. The valium is also nice because as soon as I get home it causes me to take a nap so my embies can start snuggling in good!!

The email went on to confirm my request of them filling my bladder before the transfer, rather than me filling it myself. I have had this done for prior transfers and it is a Godsend for someone with a small bladder. Years ago, I went through various tests at a urologist only to eventually find that my bladder is 3x smaller than that of a normal sized bladder. Ehhh. The only way to fix this is to operate (no thanks) or take medication for it everyday for the rest of my days (no thanks again). I have learned to just deal with it on a day to day basis, but transfer day is different. 

Anyways, when my RE fills my bladder, it eliminates me from having to worry about drinking at all pre-transfer. Can we say awesome?!? Instead, they fill me up through a catheter immediately before the transfer. I dont need to hold it nearly as long this way and they control the amount needed to fill it. They drain it for me immediately following the procedure too so I can comfortably lay and rest for some time after. My RE actually likes filling it for me now, as she says they can get the images of my uterus as clear as possible!

The last thing the email addressed was being sure to eat a light meal, high in protein before we arrive. I plan to eat grilled chicken breasts. Hubs and I did some shopping this weekend and stocked up on all the healthy fruits, veggies, drinks, & snacks I need (or want) for my 2 week wait. Yum!!! We plan to get all of our meats the morning of transfer since we dont go in until the afternoon that day. 

  

I have mixed emotions as we speak about the next few weeks. I am feeling nervous yet excited, afraid but oh-so-very- hopeful. I know I have done everything humanly possible on my part, and the rest is up to Him! 

Transfer Day “Stuff”

One benefit to being an IVF vet is that you know what to expect on transfer day and can prepare for it (for the most part).  

Since this is our 4th transfer (4th times a charm!), I feel more prepared than ever before. I am not really talking mentally, although I do feel good about that too. I am referring more to the fun (oh Lord, did I just say fun!?) side of all this I guess? If there is such a thing?! 

Anyways, here is what I have planned so far for FET #3, transfer day #4 (still a few weeks away)-

Transfer Day Shirt-Of course none other than a pineapple would be acceptable (followed by eating some pineapple core)! 

  

Transfer Day Pineapple Socks– ordered online & never worn before! Waiting for the big day to sport these.

  

Transfer Day Pink & Blue Baby Charm Bracelet-passed down to me by a family member, and fellow IVFer who had her miracle twin babies. She wore it during her journey, and now I am wearing it through ours.

  

Transfer Day Drink of Choice… Organic, Sparkling Pomegranate (carbonated water)- This old wives tale drink is delish and we have a pretty good stash ready to go post transfer. 
  

Transfer Day Snack of Choice…Brazilian Nuts! Another old wives tale for sticky feet. All stocked up!

  


Transfer Day Reading-recommended to me from a few ladies in my IG community. This book is so adorable & perfect for any couple trying to conceive! 

  

Transfer Day Therapy- Circle + Bloom meditation continues. Except now its transfer day/post transfer listening time!!!

  

Im sure a few other transfer day things will be planned as we get closer, but I just couldnt contain myself from being excited and thinking about it all today!! 

Prayers for a nice, thick lining at Mondays appointment. 


To Do List

Okay, so what can I say? I am in transfer prep mode and its still about 68 days away. Crazy, I know, but what feels like not too long ago, I posted it was 100 something days away and that flew by.  Im assuming these will too, especially with it being such a busy time of the year at my job.  

Ive already made my 2WW list, I figured I might as well also make my before -transfer-non-negotiable to do list. Hopefully making it will hold me somewhat accountable! 

  • Start back up on acupuncture by the end of this month at the latest. Ive done it religiously with every transfer.
  • Renew my yoga membership ASAP. Hitting yoga at the right time has helped my lining significantly increase during an FET cycle. 
  • Get my blood drawn at Quest for my updated Vitamin D level, Prolactin level, thyroid level, etc. to make sure all are still in normal range 
  • Call WIN fertility for an FET bundle price quote 
  • Email my nurse to refill my Folgard prescription
  • Make a decision on whether or not I will be on the blood thinner, Lovenox again post transfer/pregnancy (post to follow soon on this)
  • Dig out my Circle + Bloom FET audio CD 
  • Start weaning myself off the caffeine (bye, bye coffee)…this is always one of the worst parts of cycling in my opinion
  • Spring clean! Thinking back, our house got quite messy from all the light duty I was on during 2 week waits, pregnancies, and miscarriages in the past. 
  • Stock up on all the healthy “stuff” I need. Save this for a later post too. 

I think that about sums it up for now. Notice I didnt put anything about purchasing HPT’s this time around. Im actually leaning towards not testing before my beta for once, but I cant say with all honesty that I wont.  But for now, its not on my list and Im good with that! 

Happiness is…

Ordering socks online. 

Not just any socks either. 

We are talking those designer socks. 

Lucky socks. 

A.k.a. IVF cycle socks! 

I must admit this is my first time getting fancy socks before a transfer, but I see so  many ladies on my Instagram account making the most out of their crappy infertility situation and adding some fun to it with these socks. 

So today, I took a step of faith and humor at the same time- faith that I will be wearing these humurous socks soon. 

I got 3 pairs and hubby helped me pick them out!

  •  1 pair for FET day- ((knee high black BadAss socks))
  • 1 pair for 1dp5dt, or day 1 of bedrest- ((yellow crew stork socks))
  • 1 pair for 2dp5dt, or day 2 of bedrest-((pineapple socks)) *if you dont know the wives tale about pineapple post transfer look it up😉

   

A fellow blogging friend of mine, who is a survivor of recurrent pregnancy loss will finally bring her rainbow baby into the world soon. She recently inspired me to do some things during the next 2WW that show I believe this is going to work. I havent ever taken any brave action during the actual 2WW’s before to show my faith. Peeing on a stick probably doesnt count Im guessing. Lol. 

When she told me she bought a couple baby things during her 2ww because she had to believe it was going to work that time, I made the decision in my heart thats what I need to do too, hence the socks!