I Will Never Forget 

Although we have finally made it to a point in our pregnancy where we are very hopeful we will bring our rainbow baby home, it doesnt mean I will ever forget. 

I’ll never forget the sleepless nights dreaming of what it would be like to become pregnant and watch my belly grow. To feel life inside of me. 

I’ll never forget the desperation every month to see 2 pink lines. The timed intercourse over & over again, the old wives tales I held on to, organic foods I stuffed myself with, and the vitamins I overdosed with time & time again. 

I’ll never forget the disappointment and heartache month after month when it never happened on its own. Ever. 

I’ll never forget how scary every single treatment I had was. Every shot, ultrasound, IV of anesthesia, blood draw, d & c, egg retrieval, fibroid removal, hysteroscopy, HSG, tube removal, MRI, SIS, and transfer.

The various emotions I felt monthly, if not daily…bitterness, denial, hope, sadness, excitement, fear, anger, love, jealousy, peace, rage, the list goes on. 

I’ll never forget all the 2 week waits and the bargains I tried to make with God. If you….then I’ll…

I’ll never forget all the arguments and money spent trying to have a baby, something that should be so easy. 

I’ll never forget how I had to put my career on hold to be able to carry our baby. Something most women can do without a problem. Why couldnt I be normal too? 

I’ll never forget all the tears shed every pregnancy that was stolen from us.

I’ll never forget what it was like to hold my breath everytime I went to the bathroom pregnant, praying for no blood. 

I’ll never forget all the family and friend gatherings I avoided over the years to remain somewhat sane. 

I’ll never forget the anger and why’s I yelled out to God. 

I’ll never forget all of the endless trips to the doctor and psychologist. The anxiety attacks, nightmares, and medications that followed. 

I’ll never forget all the nights I tried to self numb my pain and distract myself but it never worked. Shopping trips, yoga, girls nights, drinks, date nights, you name it. 

I’ll never forget all of those pregnancy announcements that seemed to come so easy for some. The endless bump shots and ultrasound photos I couldnt bare to see at times. 

I’ll never forget what it feels like to be left behind or misunderstood. Gut wrenching. 

I’ll never forget the conversations based solely around kids and being the only one in the group without one. Trying to find an excuse to get away before bursting into tears. 

I’ll never forget what it was like to fake a smile just to get through the days without having to explain. 

I’ll never forget the support of those who picked me up when I needed it the most. 

I’ll never forget all of the people in this community who helped me realize I wasnt alone. Oh the gratitude. 

I’ll never forget all the babies we lost. Every date is forever in my heart. 

I’ll never forget that we are in fact infertiles and suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. 

And I’ll never truly feel we “beat infertility” as it will always be a part of us. Always. 

FET #3: In the Thick of the Wait

I guess I must have forgotten how horrendous the 2ww can be. Especially after an IVF transfer. Ugh! 

I can actually say I was happy to go back to work today after being off since Thursday last week. At least at work my mind doesnt have as much time to wonder. At this point, Im mostly just wondering if it even worked or not. I can only see 1 milestone at a time, no further. And to be honest, even at work, when busy, I still caught myself going there from time to time.  Oh well, I guess its the norm with all this right?

Symptoms? 

Ive had quite a bit of achiness and a little cramping on both sides of my uterus today. Im pretty in tune with it, and its been hard to ignore. Really thats all for today.  

Diet? 

Hubs packed all my healthy lunches for the week yesterday. I offered to do it, but he wouldnt let me. He really tried to keep me relaxed & off my feet all weekend. So cute. Anyways, Ive got several salads packed with hard boiled eggs, topped with tons of veggies, P & J sandwiches, hummus dip, beans, etc. Tonight for dinner we had parmesan zucchini crusted chicken breasts with mashed potatoes and green beans. It was delish! 

What else????

Last night I had a dream that we took an HPT and got a positive. I woke up so excited & then realized it was a dream. We really want this to work so badly! I cant even put it into words. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local home store so she could pick me up a few more pineapple placemats to go with the ones that my aunt originally bought me (she got me 4, I needed 6).  We got the placemats & I told her I wanted to make a “faith” purchase while we were there. Meaning, I wanted to buy something that shows I believe this is going to work; that we will be bringing home our baby or babies this winter. We walked towards the 1 aisle in the store that carried baby things. As soon as we turned the aisle, the first thing my eyes saw was this…

  

I almost cried. I grabbed it & told my mom it was a sign. If you dont know, our last name is Fish (yes, Fish) and Ive been feeling we will have a girl. My mom said, “well arent you going to get 2?” By the time I was done thinking about it, she had already got it. Then she reminded me how when I was younger she always told me I was going to have twin girls! I had totally forgotten. 

FET #3: 3dp6dt

For all my non-infertile followers, the lingo means 3 days past a 6 day (old embryo) transfer. Day 1 is counted as transfer day since it is an FET. So yesterday was day 2, and here we are today at day 3 already. 

In the past, I have gotten a positive pregnancy test at home as early as 6dp6dt. People have asked me numerous times if I will test at home this time. The honest answer is I have no clue. Every time I tested in the past during the 2ww, I already knew intuititively that it worked. I had a good amount of symptoms early on in the past so I wasnt that scared to test at home before beta day. For now, I am just taking things literally one hour at a time. 

Do I have any symptoms so far? 

Each day I have had some, quick, slight twinges and a sharp cramp here or there. Nothing major. I know this could be the embryo(s) trying to implant. Its really hard mentally not knowing if they have succeeded in doing so when I feel that. I can only hope so. 

Other minor “symptoms” I noted- 

1 dizzy spell per day since 1dp6dt. This has been a sign of a BFP in the past for me, but I really dont want to read too much into it. Could just be dizzy. Same goes for my extremely dry mouth in the middle of the night the past 2 nights.  Could just be thirsty. This morning, at 3dp6dt, I felt nauseous. This could easily be my nerves, as it is totally gone now. And lastly, when hubs & I had lunch today, things stunk really bad. Again, could be a coincidence, but Id like to note all that happens for my own records as I have in the past.  For the most part, I feel totally normal, which makes sense because it is so early. 

How has my diet been?

Overall, healthy. I already told you what I ate on transfer day, so I wont go there again. 

2dpt6dt-multigrain waffles, avocado & banana smoothie & pomegranate juice for breakfast, a salad topped with chicken, tomatoes, cucs, mushrooms, carrots, etc. for lunch, beef stir fry with asparagus for dinner, pineapple core & brazilian nuts for dessert. 

Today-almost exactly the same breakfast & lunch as above, but add in a hard boiled egg (thanks mom for making me these!) & some raspberry serbet from Kilwins. Dinner is yet to be served, but will be chicken, potatoes,& green beans. 

How is bedrest going?

Good! Ive just been taking it easy, but not confining myself to a bed. Ive elevated my feet often to keep my blood flowing when I am resting. I must say that I am so thankful for my hubby. He has cooked me all my meals, taken care of the dogs, & kept up with things around the house. Im also so thankful for my mom & stepdad, who came over yesterday & brought me these absolutely beautiful flowers. 

  

I have been binge watching some shows, reading, praying (a lot in the middle of the night), & meditating to my Circle + Bloom CD. Ive also been cuddling up with my dog & a blanket in my comfy Papasan chair out on the porch since the weather has been so gorge. Ive been napping quite a bit, as I have been waking up through the night more than usual. 

Today, we decided to get out for a bit & go to a luxury cinema. We had never been to one, & boy was it cool! This one had huge, reclining comfy seats, a full service bar and menu, and a wait staff.  We saw Batman v. Superman (hubbys choice not mine), I would have preferred Zootopia, but you cant have everything can you? 

   
   
How am I doing mentally? 

Okay. Some moments are really tough. I bought this lovely 2 week wait cards and yesterdays hit home. 

  

My biggest concern right now is that it didnt work. When I read the card, and it said “how would you handle if your worst fear came true?”  I decided to really think about it. My answer was “I wouldnt give up, we would try again.” It did help me handle this fear. I just need to keep reminding myself of this now. 

Its been really nice being off work. I head back Monday. Im praying for the kids to go easy on me; thankfully I am blessed with an amazing group of kids this year. I need to remind myself not to push it, there is only 1 month left until summer. Less stress, the better. 

Will update soon with more rambling…Prayers that Itty & Bitty are already snuggled, or snuggling in 👶🏻👶🏻

Down to the Wire

Transfer day is just a few days away! Hard to believe it is finally here!!! 

I got an email today telling us what time to arrive, with a few other instructions. I always request a valium before transfer so I am chilled out to the max, so the prescription for that was included in the message. The valium is also nice because as soon as I get home it causes me to take a nap so my embies can start snuggling in good!!

The email went on to confirm my request of them filling my bladder before the transfer, rather than me filling it myself. I have had this done for prior transfers and it is a Godsend for someone with a small bladder. Years ago, I went through various tests at a urologist only to eventually find that my bladder is 3x smaller than that of a normal sized bladder. Ehhh. The only way to fix this is to operate (no thanks) or take medication for it everyday for the rest of my days (no thanks again). I have learned to just deal with it on a day to day basis, but transfer day is different. 

Anyways, when my RE fills my bladder, it eliminates me from having to worry about drinking at all pre-transfer. Can we say awesome?!? Instead, they fill me up through a catheter immediately before the transfer. I dont need to hold it nearly as long this way and they control the amount needed to fill it. They drain it for me immediately following the procedure too so I can comfortably lay and rest for some time after. My RE actually likes filling it for me now, as she says they can get the images of my uterus as clear as possible!

The last thing the email addressed was being sure to eat a light meal, high in protein before we arrive. I plan to eat grilled chicken breasts. Hubs and I did some shopping this weekend and stocked up on all the healthy fruits, veggies, drinks, & snacks I need (or want) for my 2 week wait. Yum!!! We plan to get all of our meats the morning of transfer since we dont go in until the afternoon that day. 

  

I have mixed emotions as we speak about the next few weeks. I am feeling nervous yet excited, afraid but oh-so-very- hopeful. I know I have done everything humanly possible on my part, and the rest is up to Him! 

Transfer Day “Stuff”

One benefit to being an IVF vet is that you know what to expect on transfer day and can prepare for it (for the most part).  

Since this is our 4th transfer (4th times a charm!), I feel more prepared than ever before. I am not really talking mentally, although I do feel good about that too. I am referring more to the fun (oh Lord, did I just say fun!?) side of all this I guess? If there is such a thing?! 

Anyways, here is what I have planned so far for FET #3, transfer day #4 (still a few weeks away)-

Transfer Day Shirt-Of course none other than a pineapple would be acceptable (followed by eating some pineapple core)! 

  

Transfer Day Pineapple Socks– ordered online & never worn before! Waiting for the big day to sport these.

  

Transfer Day Pink & Blue Baby Charm Bracelet-passed down to me by a family member, and fellow IVFer who had her miracle twin babies. She wore it during her journey, and now I am wearing it through ours.

  

Transfer Day Drink of Choice… Organic, Sparkling Pomegranate (carbonated water)- This old wives tale drink is delish and we have a pretty good stash ready to go post transfer. 
  

Transfer Day Snack of Choice…Brazilian Nuts! Another old wives tale for sticky feet. All stocked up!

  


Transfer Day Reading-recommended to me from a few ladies in my IG community. This book is so adorable & perfect for any couple trying to conceive! 

  

Transfer Day Therapy- Circle + Bloom meditation continues. Except now its transfer day/post transfer listening time!!!

  

Im sure a few other transfer day things will be planned as we get closer, but I just couldnt contain myself from being excited and thinking about it all today!! 

Prayers for a nice, thick lining at Mondays appointment. 


To Do List

Okay, so what can I say? I am in transfer prep mode and its still about 68 days away. Crazy, I know, but what feels like not too long ago, I posted it was 100 something days away and that flew by.  Im assuming these will too, especially with it being such a busy time of the year at my job.  

Ive already made my 2WW list, I figured I might as well also make my before -transfer-non-negotiable to do list. Hopefully making it will hold me somewhat accountable! 

  • Start back up on acupuncture by the end of this month at the latest. Ive done it religiously with every transfer.
  • Renew my yoga membership ASAP. Hitting yoga at the right time has helped my lining significantly increase during an FET cycle. 
  • Get my blood drawn at Quest for my updated Vitamin D level, Prolactin level, thyroid level, etc. to make sure all are still in normal range 
  • Call WIN fertility for an FET bundle price quote 
  • Email my nurse to refill my Folgard prescription
  • Make a decision on whether or not I will be on the blood thinner, Lovenox again post transfer/pregnancy (post to follow soon on this)
  • Dig out my Circle + Bloom FET audio CD 
  • Start weaning myself off the caffeine (bye, bye coffee)…this is always one of the worst parts of cycling in my opinion
  • Spring clean! Thinking back, our house got quite messy from all the light duty I was on during 2 week waits, pregnancies, and miscarriages in the past. 
  • Stock up on all the healthy “stuff” I need. Save this for a later post too. 

I think that about sums it up for now. Notice I didnt put anything about purchasing HPT’s this time around. Im actually leaning towards not testing before my beta for once, but I cant say with all honesty that I wont.  But for now, its not on my list and Im good with that! 

Happiness is…

Ordering socks online. 

Not just any socks either. 

We are talking those designer socks. 

Lucky socks. 

A.k.a. IVF cycle socks! 

I must admit this is my first time getting fancy socks before a transfer, but I see so  many ladies on my Instagram account making the most out of their crappy infertility situation and adding some fun to it with these socks. 

So today, I took a step of faith and humor at the same time- faith that I will be wearing these humurous socks soon. 

I got 3 pairs and hubby helped me pick them out!

  •  1 pair for FET day- ((knee high black BadAss socks))
  • 1 pair for 1dp5dt, or day 1 of bedrest- ((yellow crew stork socks))
  • 1 pair for 2dp5dt, or day 2 of bedrest-((pineapple socks)) *if you dont know the wives tale about pineapple post transfer look it up😉

   

A fellow blogging friend of mine, who is a survivor of recurrent pregnancy loss will finally bring her rainbow baby into the world soon. She recently inspired me to do some things during the next 2WW that show I believe this is going to work. I havent ever taken any brave action during the actual 2WW’s before to show my faith. Peeing on a stick probably doesnt count Im guessing. Lol. 

When she told me she bought a couple baby things during her 2ww because she had to believe it was going to work that time, I made the decision in my heart thats what I need to do too, hence the socks! 

Planning Ahead

So this post is totally premature, but a lovely fellow blogger, The Great Pudding Club Hunt, got me thinking about my next FET 2 week wait with her recent post. 

By my calculations, if all goes as planned, this 2WW is approximately 91 days, or 3 months from now. Seems like an eternity (like I said premature), but really Im guessing, or should I say *hoping*, it will fly by. 

That being said, I want to have a list of things to keep myself busy during my bedrest (the following 48 hours after the transfer) and the remaining 2WW. I have done a few of these things on waits before, but others I have not.

Adult color-I have SO many coloring books, so theres definetly no lack of materials here. Hubby & I did some coloring the other day together for the first time which was really nice! I usually do it independently. 

Blog about my symptoms-I want to keep track of how I feel each day past transfer (dpt). Ill probably blog daily during this time Im guessing. 

See my therapist-just sounds like a smart idea. Prepare for all the possible outcomes. A negative beta (something we havent had from an IVF cycle yet), a positive beta (high or low), I could go on and on here, which just makes me realize as I type that this visit is a must during the 2WW. 

Go to the beach-my aunt has a condo right on the ocean and I would like to go lay on the beach, and listen to the waves peacefully for a few days.  

Barnes & Nobles trip– A few style magazines & a good book (other than our devotional and bible we read) are a must. Im a reader. Last 2WW, I read all the Gillian Flynn books and kept myself engaged. Please give me some recommendations on must read books! 

Design a dream nursery??? Okay, yes I know this might seem crazy to some, but maybe, just maybe? It would be fun to dream a little! I deleted my pinterest board after my last loss that had years and years worth of ideas.  Only time will tell how I am feeling about doing this then. 

Movies-mostly Disney reruns, maybe a few new flicks too! Hopefully some good new releases will be on Redbox around this time (1st week of April). 

Circle + Bloom CD-Ill surely be listening to this audio CD! I bought it months and months ago for self relaxation during a cycle. Cant wait to finally pop it in. 

Acupuncture-I have not done this post-transfer ever, but I might this time around. I usually only do it up until transfer day, however my RE and other bloggers have had nothing but positive things to say about continuing it! Keep that blood flowing, right?

Light yoga/Walking the dogs-pretty self explanatory! If Im feeling okay, my plan would be to do some very, very light physical activity. If Im too anxiety driven, I wont. Same applies during an entire pregnancy.

Date night-we do this anyways, but maybe we will do it a few more times during the wait to make time pass a little quicker. 

Girls day/night-I want to do dinner with the girls and chat, chat, chat. Im sure hubby will be tired of hearing all my bologna at some point lol. 

And of course, last but not least, take a few days off work to lounge around and be as stress free as possible, doing a whole lot of nothing.  A.k.a. Napping & eating! 

Any other ideas for me ladies? 

Lining Check #3, 2WW, & “Somethings”

This cycle I ovulated later than the prior 2 months. I got a positive OPK starting on day 16 and it lasted until day 18. Usually my positive test has been lasting only a full day at most, starting on day 14. I was happy about the longer window! 

Day 16 far right

On day 17, I felt the ovulation pains many of you have experienced. I havent had them in a such a long time, I almost forgot what they felt like! As many of you know, last month hubby and I baby danced everyday, twice a day, for 4 days straight (ugh lol!) We did NOT do that this month. The month before that, we BD’d every day, once a day, for 4 days straight. We did NOT do that this month either. Instead we tried to take it easy, and BD’d only every other day, for a total of 4 days. We will see how this worked out in about 10 days…currently in the 2WW. 

Anywho, I got my third lining check and it measured over an 8 again!! Whoot whoot!! Thats 3 months in a row of thick (enough) lining on my own, with no help. Remember, anything an 8 or greater is ideal (some RE’s even say a 7). That said, we are very pleased about my number! I could also see the triple stripe which is great news. My antral follicle count (aka egg reserve) still looks good, about 9 or so on each side.  

  

I got the lining check at the new RE, as our meeting with him just happened to fall during my ovulation  window. We also discussed my HSG more in depth as planned. If you recall correctly, the HSG last week went well overall, but he did say that day that he saw “something” small, which he thought could be scar tissue. 

Well, since he saw “something,” he wants to do an SIS to identify if its scar tissue or perhaps a polyp of some sort. If its a polyp *in the uterine cavity* we would need to do another H/S to remove it. Im not sure how I feel about this. Meaning, I dont know if I am willing to do all this again right now. I asked if a balloon would be involved in this removal, he said it was unlikely, but of course possible. No surprise there, I learned ahwile ago that anything is possible and nothing is guaranteed with all this. 

Then I told him–if it is a polyp or fibroid or whatever AGAIN, obviously they are going to just KEEP coming back. Shit, I just had one removed in May! He begged to disagree with me. He seemed confident that this “something” isnt a huge deal. Easy for him to say right? He hasnt miscarried (potentially with a fibroid as the cause) or been operated on numerous times.  He said the images of the HSG show my uterus looks “good” shape wise, tube wise, size wise, etc.  with the exception of the small “something.” 

The ultrasound lining check also showed “something” unusual in the cavity. So annoying and not what I wanted to hear after getting positive news about my lining.  Whatever this “something” was, I clearly saw it too. He has been practicing for 30 years and he said, “very unusual” and I replied with, “of course it is.”

I probed on whether or not this ultrasound “something” is the same “something” showing on the HSG. Unknown at this time, but he is leaning towards no. Again, not what I wanted to hear. Now we possibly have 2 “things” that may not be related. 

On the ultrasound, this “something” looked like mucus he said (not fluid, polyps or fibroids) which is rare for the location I guess. I was really frustrated and started to tune out at this time. I didnt care to ask about this odd “mucus” if its even harmful, why its caused, or how it goes away. He is hoping the SIS will provide further clarity. Anyone here who has had similar mucus like this, please feel free to share your experiences…I am a feeling like my listening ears are back on now.  I have had fluid, but not mucus, and supposedly there is a difference. 

If we choose to move forward with this new RE, our transfer will be in October sometime. We reviewed the calendars and logistics of it all as our 3 hour meeting came to a close. 

Feeling a little annoyed with the fact that the HSG and ultrasound couldnt look picture perfect at this point.  In June, it all looked just fine. Starting to wonder if my body is just failing and not able to do what it needs to do to even move forward with a FET.  Maybe I am not cut out for this.  

Transfer Day!!

The fluid was gone and we were feeling so blessed. Our transfer was on for the day originally planned.  We went out to dinner the day we got the wonderful news, which was the night prior to the transfer. We celebrated the fact that God was allowing us to move forward with this FET cycle. I can’t say that we weren’t still nervous, because we absolutely were. For one, we were frightened I would not get pregnant.  Ironically, we felt this way because the embryos had implanted the prior 2 IVF cycles and we thought it had to not work at least 1 time. Almost everyone we knew in the realm of IVF had at least 1 cycle that a pregnancy was not achieved.

And of course there was the fear that if it did work, I would miscarry again.  I was especially petrified of this thought.  My hubs is the most amazing partner I could ever ask for, but for a man, a miscarriage, or even the thought of one, is different.  I am not in ANYWAY saying that it isn’t devastating to a man, because it is.  I have witnessed this first hand. Rather, I am simply saying by nature, in regards to a pregnancy loss, men don’t worry or hurt the same way we women do.

We woke up the morning of December 19th, and had a big breakfast in honor of the big day.  We didn’t get up super early because our transfer wasn’t set until 1 p.m.  You heard me right! We had to wait all day.  Our prior transfers had always been first thing in the morning, which was really nice.  Less time to sit around and ponder all day. To pass time, we walked the dogs and cleaned the house a bit.  I knew I wouldn’t be cleaning it for a while if I ended up pregnant.  My house had pretty much been in ruins for almost a year now.  Each time I had been pregnant (or miscarrying), I was off of my feet. My hubs tried to do the best he could to keep it clean, but my idea of clean is slightly different from his.  And anyone who knows me, knows I like to keep a clean house (I take after my mother).

We also went grocery shopping that morning and stocked up on some food for the week.  After a transfer, I was incredibly paranoid of doing anything that could cause the embryos not to implant, or even worse, if they did implant, miscarry.  Normal things like cleaning the house and carrying groceries now became a concern for me.  I know what you may be thinking-miscarriages don’t happen from things like this!! I am not saying they do… I am just telling you what is going through the mind of a recurrent miscarrier. Unfortunately, once you have experienced a loss, you don’t think the same way about being pregnant as before.  Truly, you are tainted.  Or maybe scarred is a better word for it.

1:00 finally rolled around.  The embryologist came in and gave us the picture of our day 6 embies.  Both had survived the thaw again! One was actually even beginning to hatch.  The doctor and nurse came in shortly after.  They informed me that I was the last transfer for the 2014 year.  Then they asked if a medical student could come in and watch the procedure.  At this point, do you know how many professionals in the field of medicine had seen my girl parts? Needless to say, we said sure.

IVF3

You know the routine from here…dim the lights, fill the bladder, clean the cervix, and turn on the soft music.  Begin the ultrasound on the abdomen, insert the catheter, locate the catheter on the screen.  Make sure the catheter is in the right spot in the uterus.  Call in the embryologist with the embryos.  As all of this is happening around you, you are holding your breath so you don’t move a muscle.  Think about how delicate and precious an embryo is.  Once something happens to it, that’s it.  There’s no repairing it or getting it back.  This being said, I even began to worry I might sneeze.  Sneezing became a fear.  Boy, the things you take for granted sometimes.

Well, I didn’t sneeze and the second catheter went in with ease.  The doctor released the embies and there on the screen we saw the 2 little bright white dots.  We were all smiles as we held hands.  There’s a special feeling, almost a certain kind of peace, that comes with seeing your embryos finally being placed in your uterus.  When you conceive naturally, you never get to see your sweet embryos in utero.  I say this only because if you are trying to find positives in a process sometimes filled with negatives, this is one.

After resting for about a half hour, we set up our first beta for exactly 10 days later and headed home.  As usual, I was on bed rest for 48 hours, with all intentions of taking it easy well after that.  Winter break had officially begun at work, and I was off until January 6th, 2015.  With Christmas not even a week away, all of our decorations were up and all of our shopping was done.  Really, all we could do now was sit back and wait, and of course, pray.  The 2 week wait had just begun.