Who Am I?

For so many years I was the “infertile” one. The one who desperately yearned for a baby. The one who repeatedly underwent procedure after procedure to finally get pregnant, only to then lose the long awaited for pregnancy. The one who everyone eagerly waited for updates from to see if I was indeed expecting, or “still” expecting. Then, one day, the stars aligned, everything fell into place, and I had my baby. My miracle.

We went through the newborn sleep deprived phase, followed by all the milestones and first holidays. Infertility was not given much thought as life seemed to naturally be a blur at times. Next came the “do we want another”? baby phase, and subsequent fertility treatments. And just like that, I was once again the “infertile” one, the one everyone kept in their prayers and watched for updates from. I was right back where I had been for so long before, it almost felt as if my normal life returned and I had just been on a vacation from infertile me.

When our last ditch effort for a sibling failed, it would only seem suiting then that I seriously began to ponder, “Who am I”? or rather “Who will I be now that I am not trying to have a baby anymore”?

I have spent the last month or so trying to find out. Find the person I was wayyy long ago, before infertility and loss started robbing me of so much of “me.” I have my rainbow, and now I am on the journey to finding me again. Wish me luck.

FET #3: Beta 1 & 2

First, before I get into the numbers, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who commented on our positive HPT result post. You all are the best! 

Monday was beta #1 and today was beta #2. We were hoping for an initial result of 100 or so on Monday, and then of course for it to double from then (as it needs to) today.  

• Beta 1-805 (10dp6dt)
• Beta 2-2,520 (12dp6dt) 
• Beta 3-Friday (14dp6dt)

In no way did we expect such high numbers, and whats more, a number that tripled in 2 days. Our numbers have never been this high, this early on. We are very grateful to God for getting us through this step in the long process ahead. We arent taking anything for granted. Not one single minute. We pray things continue to progress everyday. Our first ultrasound is scheduled in a few weeks. I am not even thinking that far out though, other than praying we get there. We are living day to day with this pregnancy and rejoicing in every milestone. 

As far as symptoms go, I have been having headaches in the evenings. My boobs are pretty swollen, not really sore. Some foods that normally sound great dont. Im 4w4d today. 

Keep us in your thoughts & prayers please! 

FET #3: 7dp6dt

Its been exactly 1 week since we transferred Itty & Bitty back to their home ((hopefully)) until this winter. At times the wait has been tough, at other times not so bad. Going back to work has helped take my mind off things a bit during the days, and at night, by the time we read, eat, shower, & meditate its time for bed. Ive been going pretty earlyyyy. 

Any possible symptoms?

Not sleeping well. Waking up about 1 am and staying up till 2 or so every night this week. Really crazy dreams too. Some quick, sharp pains in my uterus. I had a tiny bit of spotting this morning, which Im praying is a good sign. Thats all I can report in this area. Oh wait, def some moodiness lol. But that of course could be all the meds. 

Our blood test is only a few days away. If it comes back positive, we will have 2 more blood tests following it. Of course, the HCG in my sysytem needs to double each test in order for us to have a viable pregnancy. Our first IVF transfer we had dropping betas, so we know right away it wasnt going to work out. For our other 2 transfers, our betas have risen accordingly. It was only after that that we experienced loss. So as you can see, the road ahead is long, assuming it worked. 

But, we are taking things 1 day at a time, and looking at this like its our first time ever. Trying to forget the past as much as humanly possible. I really feel at peace, and am staying close in prayer to God, celebrating how far we have come. This card was in my 2 week wait set and I just loved it…

  

FET #3: 3dp6dt

For all my non-infertile followers, the lingo means 3 days past a 6 day (old embryo) transfer. Day 1 is counted as transfer day since it is an FET. So yesterday was day 2, and here we are today at day 3 already. 

In the past, I have gotten a positive pregnancy test at home as early as 6dp6dt. People have asked me numerous times if I will test at home this time. The honest answer is I have no clue. Every time I tested in the past during the 2ww, I already knew intuititively that it worked. I had a good amount of symptoms early on in the past so I wasnt that scared to test at home before beta day. For now, I am just taking things literally one hour at a time. 

Do I have any symptoms so far? 

Each day I have had some, quick, slight twinges and a sharp cramp here or there. Nothing major. I know this could be the embryo(s) trying to implant. Its really hard mentally not knowing if they have succeeded in doing so when I feel that. I can only hope so. 

Other minor “symptoms” I noted- 

1 dizzy spell per day since 1dp6dt. This has been a sign of a BFP in the past for me, but I really dont want to read too much into it. Could just be dizzy. Same goes for my extremely dry mouth in the middle of the night the past 2 nights.  Could just be thirsty. This morning, at 3dp6dt, I felt nauseous. This could easily be my nerves, as it is totally gone now. And lastly, when hubs & I had lunch today, things stunk really bad. Again, could be a coincidence, but Id like to note all that happens for my own records as I have in the past.  For the most part, I feel totally normal, which makes sense because it is so early. 

How has my diet been?

Overall, healthy. I already told you what I ate on transfer day, so I wont go there again. 

2dpt6dt-multigrain waffles, avocado & banana smoothie & pomegranate juice for breakfast, a salad topped with chicken, tomatoes, cucs, mushrooms, carrots, etc. for lunch, beef stir fry with asparagus for dinner, pineapple core & brazilian nuts for dessert. 

Today-almost exactly the same breakfast & lunch as above, but add in a hard boiled egg (thanks mom for making me these!) & some raspberry serbet from Kilwins. Dinner is yet to be served, but will be chicken, potatoes,& green beans. 

How is bedrest going?

Good! Ive just been taking it easy, but not confining myself to a bed. Ive elevated my feet often to keep my blood flowing when I am resting. I must say that I am so thankful for my hubby. He has cooked me all my meals, taken care of the dogs, & kept up with things around the house. Im also so thankful for my mom & stepdad, who came over yesterday & brought me these absolutely beautiful flowers. 

  

I have been binge watching some shows, reading, praying (a lot in the middle of the night), & meditating to my Circle + Bloom CD. Ive also been cuddling up with my dog & a blanket in my comfy Papasan chair out on the porch since the weather has been so gorge. Ive been napping quite a bit, as I have been waking up through the night more than usual. 

Today, we decided to get out for a bit & go to a luxury cinema. We had never been to one, & boy was it cool! This one had huge, reclining comfy seats, a full service bar and menu, and a wait staff.  We saw Batman v. Superman (hubbys choice not mine), I would have preferred Zootopia, but you cant have everything can you? 

   
   
How am I doing mentally? 

Okay. Some moments are really tough. I bought this lovely 2 week wait cards and yesterdays hit home. 

  

My biggest concern right now is that it didnt work. When I read the card, and it said “how would you handle if your worst fear came true?”  I decided to really think about it. My answer was “I wouldnt give up, we would try again.” It did help me handle this fear. I just need to keep reminding myself of this now. 

Its been really nice being off work. I head back Monday. Im praying for the kids to go easy on me; thankfully I am blessed with an amazing group of kids this year. I need to remind myself not to push it, there is only 1 month left until summer. Less stress, the better. 

Will update soon with more rambling…Prayers that Itty & Bitty are already snuggled, or snuggling in 👶🏻👶🏻

Welcome April!

Our final (yes, final) lining check was today, and I am happy to report that my lining made it to a solid 8! Woohoo!

My RE was not there for my scan, as today is her surgery day. So my nurse scanned me and saw what appeared to be a tiny bubble underneath my uterine lining. Of course, I started to freak out a bit. She showed me the screen so I would calm down. I asked for her to have my RE call me to discuss what it was. 

As I was driving home, my mind was racing…is it fluid? The mass coming back? Will the cycle be cancelled? How much money will we lose? How will I handle this mentally? Was it all too good to be true? Yet all the while, I am trying to stay positive thinking about my trilaminar 8 mm lining, God is good, if it is fluid we can just suck it out before transfer, etc. 

I took a nap after I got home because I knew my RE wouldnt be able to call me until after 5 and I didnt want to sit around pondering all the possibilities. When I woke up, my phone was ringing; my RE was phoning me from the hospital. I can immediately tell by her voice if it is going to be good news or bad news. It sounded good. Phew, a sigh of relief! 

She informed me right away that it was not a mass or fluid. She said it is a small, subendometrial cyst of no concern. Anyone ever have one? She went on to say many women have these and achieve and maintain pregnancies, and that my uterus looks the best this cycle than any of the 3 prior. This cyst is not in the cavity, and it will not block baby from implanting/growing/and so forth. 

Side note: I did a little of my own research to be sure its okay. Not that I dont trust my RE, because I do. In the past, if she has had a concern, she tells us outright, no beating around the bush with it. But for some reason, investigating on my own helps me seal the deal. This being said, I am not going to stress over this cyst. 

Anyways, I thanked her for personally calling me (she said she assumed I was worrying), I asked a few questions, and we confirmed transfer this upcoming week. I start PIO injections everyday in the butt tomorrow morning! I dont think Ive ever been so happy to get a shot. Lol. 

Shortly after all this, my doorbell rang and a care package had arrived for us from a fellow warrior who is my dear cousin. I opened it up & this is what I found…

  
How absolutely perfect the timing was-pineapple pillows and a yogi card! We are so blessed to have wonderful, supportive people in our lives. One of the reasons I am glad we dont hide our infertility and pregnancy loss from the world. Thank you everyone for your ongoing support! 

Things I Want the World to Know

If this IVF cycle fails, I already have my next tattoo picked out. Just need to decide on the spot it will go.

I would really like to have a cute, normal pregnancy annoucement one day. I feel like infertility and pregnancy loss have robbed me of this. 

We have decided to transfer 2 embryos again this time (Ill save the logistics of why for a later post). Thats right, we could be twinning soon! We currently have 3 embryos left in all, so after this cycle just 1. The amount of embryos we have transferred each cycle so far has followed the pattern of 1-2-2-

The pattern will continue at 1-2-2-2-

It will eventually end at 1-2-2-2-1.

I prefer the intramuscular injections this cycle over the vaginal inserts (never again) in all of our prior cycles, which I never thought Id say. Dont miss the mess at all. I can deal with a few moments of pain everyday. 

I am struggling to get off the coffee. Not even going to lie. 

I have no clue how I will give up my steaming hot baths that I love in less than a week. I cant bath without it super hot, so that isnt an option. I think I will miss it more than anything else. 

I am already planning out our gender reveal party and baby shower. I know, crazy to some. But I have found having hopes and dreams are much better than not. Our gender reveal will include just close friends and family, and we will most likely have more than 1 shower. If this cycle works out, we want our reveal to be in July & our showers in October/November. 

I know there will always be another milestone to reach from transfer day on out . Here they are as they come to mind-

• A positive pregnancy test 
• Rising betas (3 blood draws over 3 days during wks 4/5)
• Viability ultrasound at 7 wks 
• Passing 10 wks (the furthest along we have ever been) 
• First trimester ending at 13 wks 
• Cervix not shortening 
• Anatomy scan at 20 wks
• Viability at 24 wks 
• I cant think any further than this! 

Thanks for listening to all my rambling! 

FET 3: Lining Check #1

Today was lining check number 1! Last week at my day 3 ultra, my lining was thin as it should be, measuring 3 mm. We hoped to see it increase by a few millimeters at todays appointment, and the good (actually great) news is that it did! 

Lining today measured a solid 5 after 1 week of stims. This may not seem like much to most, but if you have followed for awhile, you might recall lining was a little bit of an issue in the past with our first 2 transfers. 

• Fresh transfer-lining of a 7 
• FET 1-lining of a 6 (almost cancelled)
• FET 2- lining of a 10(this was on extended stims). Note: I will have an extra week of stims this cycle since it seemed to help the cycle when I got up to a 10. 

That being said, we are praying for my lining to be a 7 or 8 next week, and close to a 10 or 11 the following right before transfer and progesterone is started. Last FET it seemed to increase its thickness by 2 mm every week, hopefully thats the case again this time and we will be all set! My RE is like most, and wants to see at least a 7 or better to transfer.

So the plan is to continue legs up the wall, raspberry tea, daily meditation & prayer, estrogen ass shots and oral pills (levels looked good after blood this a.m.) and all other forms of relaxation and healthiness.  I told the nurse today I am not used to such positive news during a cycle, and she said maybe its just our time! Sure hope so 💗

FET #3: Stims Day 1

So this just happened…

 
Delestrogen injection #1 done in the butt!

I took the medication, needles, and syringe with me to my appointment this morning, hoping my nurse would do the injection for me. Unfortunately, that was not the case, as this shot needs to be done between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. So much for wishful thinking! Hubby came to the rescue and did it tonight for me though. Note: this is a big step…I usually am a control freak and do all my own injections! 

After I listened to my Circle + Bloom CD and ate dinner, we watched a video on how to do the injection, read through the pamphlet, and followed where my nurse had marked. It was pretty straightforward- I leaned over the bed and tried not to put pressure on the side we chose. He was calm, and confident (as usual) something that I admire about him. Helps take some of my crazy away! 

What also helped a lot was the fact that my RE wrote me a prescription for Lidocaine (numbing gel) for us to rub on my ass about an hour before the intramuscular injection. I was not expecting this at all! I simply brought up ice and heat this morning, and she said “how about we give you this so you dont have to worry about doing either?” Thank you Lord for this blessing! We took full advantage of it, numbing the area up real good before the shot. He then massaged after. 

  
I should mention that my ultrasound went as it should this morning, lining is thin, ovaries suppressed, no cysts, etc. My estradiol level came back at 11, also good news. Cant wait to hear how my lining grows over the next week! 

Hysteroscopy Results

I went to bed early last night so I didnt allow myself too much time to dwell on the procedure that awaited me this a.m. I woke about 3 a.m. and couldnt go back to sleep as my mind raced. I finally fell back asleep for a few hours and then it was time to get the show on the road.

I showered and put on my lucky socks and bracelet. 

 
My mom and I drove down to the clinic and I popped my first Valium when we got there, the next 2 about 20 minutes later. They took me back, checked all my vitals, I used the loo, and changed into my cap and gown (hopefully Ill be graduating soon!) 

 
I was in pretty good spirits about it all, I only shed a few tears right before my mom left and I think it was an effect of the Valiums (I seem to cry easily on it).  My RE came in, along with my RN, and her assistant. We small talked as they adminstered my IV. Within a few minutes I started to feel a little loopy. 
This time I stayed awake throughout the whole procedure even though I got the same dosage of narcotics I always have in the past. Maybe I am just used to them by now. Either way, it wasnt too painful, more uncomfortable than anything. I did my best to listen to what they were saying and look at the screen beside me that pictured my uterus. 

Drum roll please….my uterus is clear! The mass is gone. Completely. It was described as looking perfect!

Everyone was so excited! Its been awhile since we have had something this positive happen to us. I cried happy tears and thanked God over and over. Im still in shock to be honest. I prepared myself for it to go the other way today, but it didnt. We are so incredibly grateful. 

Ive been sleeping the day away as the drugs wear off. I am headed back to work tomorrow, and then Monday Ill be headed back to the clinic for my post-op appt, my day 3 ultra and blood, and start of stims. Thank you for your kind words and support about today! Prayer works. 

Special Delivery!

All of our goodies arrived via overnight this a.m. We gave each other the look when the doorbell rang and we received the box.  

The conversation that followed went something like this-

Me: Do you want to open it now?

Him: Sure! Im excited, are you? 

Me: Sort of, but Im nervous too.  Maybe we should wait to open it.

Him: Okay. 

Me: Nevermind, lets open it now.  Will you open it?

Him: Alright (starts opening it)

Hubs went through the prescription list, checking off each item as I pulled them out of the box. Everything was correct!

   
 
I cant believe we are doing this again. And with all these needles this time (so huge they are!). Ill be good though, not too worried about the needles. After I get over the initial injections, it will be fine.

I just want this all to work! I start my meds tomorrow, so today I will enjoy our last day/night pre-cycle, which might include some wine!