Crickets

Where do you begin when you haven’t blogged in over a year? From an avid blogger to a ghost. Some people might think you fell off the face of the Earth. Others could guess you have tried to turn over a new leaf, assuming you are trying to put your “infertile” past behind you now that you have a baby….I wish it was that easy.

So many times I have stared at a blank screen and wanted to write. I miss blogging. I miss using my voice & interacting with such a supportive community. Blogging was therapy & a huge part of my daily life for years.

Anyways, so here I am. I am back. I never really left. I silently read posts and commented in my mind on them. Prayed for those hurting, rejoiced with those rejoicing. Why havent I blogged? I guess I feel out of place at times now since having my rainbow baby. I am worried I might hurt someone still in the trenches. I dont want to be misunderstood. It is difficult to put it all into words really. Hopefully as time goes on I find how to put it all into words because writing this tonight makes me feel good and reinforces how much I have subconsciously yearned for it.

I will leave with this thought which has been on my mind lately-Infertility without an earthly child is hard, but so is infertilify after having one. Will the feelings of infertility & loss ever truly leave one’s soul? Until next time ❤️

Graduation Day

A bittersweet day. More sweet than bitter of course, saying good-bye to my RE’s office that is. Since 2013, this has been what we have been working towards after all.  

Its been a rough week leading up to todays appointment. A few days ago, I realized that my nausea and gas had tapered off. Of course this made me a nervous wreck. I also noticed I wasnt as thirsty in the middle of the night as I have been and no dizzy spells. Even though my boobs were still passing hubby’s daily test, I had bitten every nail and cried at least 3 times in 3 days. Poor hubby. He even surprised me with a sweet Pandora baby carriage charm to try and cheer me up. It was beautiful and I was so grateful, but still it didnt take the anxiety of a loss away. Pregnancy after loss is brutal. I cant and I wont sugarcoat it. 

In fact, the only thing keeping me somewhat sane was my insatiable hunger. I must eat every few hours or Im a mess. I wont even begin to tell you some of the guilty pleasures I have given into, because I know its the least of my concerns right now. Eating is about the only relief currently for me. Anyways, my RE reminded me via email that around 10 weeks majority of symptoms start to wane. For most, this might be a nice relief, but not for someone who has experienced a missed miscarriage before. 

As I drove to my appointment today, I thought of every drive I have made to the clinic over the years. The feelings of joy, fear, anger, disappointment, loss, doubt, love, hope, excitement…all overcame me. When I checked in, I sat down and stared down at my tiny bump now starting to show. What if I lose it again after all this?All of it seemed overwhelming. I tried to remember the prayers hubby and I said earlier, and the verses we read. Even though it was tough, I knew God was with me. 

It didnt take long for Miracle to appear on the screen. Our baby is doing so great. Look at those little legs! Just from last week the progress is simply amazing. I felt so thankful seeing the life that has been entrusted to me from above thriving.  

I had a bit of a hard time saying bye to my doc. We hugged and talked, I reassured her I would stop in, she told me not to hesitate to get in touch with her and that she is still here for us. We do have 1 embryo left in her care so I tried to remind myself that today is more of “see you later” than “good-bye”
1 week from today we have our 12 week doppler with our OB. Im officially off bed rest, but plan to take it easy still. I did order the doppler as of last night, and it should be here by next week. I figure this will help me get through the weeks Im not getting scanned. Im quite used to seeing baby every week, but at least we will still get to hear baby with this. 

We are anxiously awaiting the gender results. Its been 1 week since the test, and it can take up to 2. I was so set it was a girl initially, but now Im leaning towards a boy. Hubby says girl, mom says boy, and doctor says boy….most of my friends say girl…so who knows! The Old Wives Tales are tied! What is your guess???

In other news, I have many blessings to report. For starters, our cleaning lady is working out great. It really has been a weight off our shoulders right now. We plan to continue this throughout the duration of my pregnancy.  Second, Im happy to report that I am done taking my Del Estrogen injections. One medication down! Third, my dear friend from out of state has put together a package that she is mailing to me this week. The package includes all of her maternity clothes, a sling, baby monitor, etc. How blessed am I to receive this! Next, all of the days I took under FMLA unpaid were covered by my amazing co-workers, meaning they donated me their sick days so I could get paid. I am speechless for this and so happy I work at a school with people that are more like a family than anything else.  

All this being said, despite the anxiety, I am starting to believe this may really be our take home baby. It feels like a lot of things have fallen into place and for that I thank God. Everyday I get to carry this life I am so incredibly honored. 

Double Digits

Well, we made it. 10 weeks tomorrow! The farthest we have come without bad news. Today was another ultrasound of baby, and it was perfect.

Baby measured on track and the heartbeat was still around 175 bpm! Its amazing to see the progress every week. Miracle has grown so much. 

As my RE scanned me, we were all chatting, and everytime I would laugh, miracle would wiggle around more. It was awesome! Next week will be my last scan with my RE and then I will be graduated to solely my OB’s office. I will miss them all so much. 

We got the Panorama blood test done & will have the results back in about 10-14 days. I asked them to not tell me the gender when they call, instead I will pick it up in an envelope. Then hubby & I will do something special and reveal together!  So excited, however I am nervous about the genetics piece of the test, but we have already decided that no matter what we will love this baby to the moon and back.  

Symptoms? 

Hunger! Hunger! And more hunger! I think I am actually starting to show a bit. Probably due to how much I have been eating. I mostly crave spicy and salty stuff, but every so often sweets hit the spot too. Some burping here & there. Peeing quite often, swollen boobs, & gas. Tired and thirsty. Seems like nothing satisifies my thirst. I am not complaining about any of these, in fact I love every single symptom and hate when they are not around. Praying for another week down in the books!!! 

Bedrest

I have officially been on bedrest for only 14 days, but if you count in the bedrest after the embryo transfer (+48 hours) and all the bleeding episodes, I would guess I am up to about 25 days of it or so. And I suspect the rest will continue until the 2nd trimester. 

So what am I doing all day to keep my sanity? Well, it depends on the day. Some days I read my “Expecting Hope After Pregnancy Loss” book which helps calm me down a bit. Other times when I want to distract myself, I have been reading the rather thick Nicholas Sparks novel, “See Me.” Ive also spent some time flipping through glam magazines and the such from a care package I received a few weeks ago. Speaking of care packages, another one arrived today. The charm is simply perfect and Im grateful to know I am in anothers thoughts and prayers during this tough time. 

To relax, I spend time listening to my Circle + Bloom pregnancy CD, and watching cheesy lifetime movies. My mom visits almost daily, and I have gone to her house a few times as well. In my other time, I sit on the patio with the dogs (who are highly enjoying me being home all the time), surf the web pinning cute baby things, and stuffing my face! I would have to say the thing I miss the most is taking hot baths. Boy, do I want to submerge myself in one. 

I started the triple progesterone therapy last week, even though my level came back at a whopping 84 prior to starting. Its kind of a pain doing the Crinone again (yuk), and Im hoping that at our appt this week the SCH will be gone and we can just do the oral meds and the shots. 

I will be 9 weeks this Friday. I am very nervous of another missed miscarriage. I have felt nauseous on and off today more than usual so that comforts me a bit. Anytime I feel lousy I am pleased. Hubby “checks” my boobs everyday to make sure they are still swollen. As he says, ‘the boobs dont lie.’ 

If all goes well this week, next week we will be getting the Panorama blood test done. It will take about 2 weeks to get our results in. This is the only test we have opted to do, as it is supposedly about 99.9% accurate for genetic anomalies. It will also tell us the gender of the baby. We had originally planned to do a gender reveal party, but I go back and forth with the idea of it. I guess we will decide soon. I still havent taken 1 “bump” picture. I am pretty sure Im going to wait until 12 weeks or so. 

Yea, this post is all over the place just like me right now. Keep us in your prayers please!!

1 in 10,000

Well, yesterday was quite a day to say the least. As we all know by now, I had been spotting/bleeding/whatever you want to call it, for about 10 days. My betas all came back normal-805 at 10dpt6dt, 2500 at 12dpt6dt, 5100 at 14dpt6dt, and 23,000 at 19dpt6dt.  My progesterone levels always looked great at > 30.  We saw a gestational sac, yolk sac, & fetal pole at 5w3d. We also saw no evidence of a SCH, or any other reason for the blood. 

That brings us to Sunday night. Around 10 pm, I started experiencing sharp, stabbing pains on my left side. I got up and headed to the bathroom, sure I was losing our baby. I almost threw up on the way to the bathroom, and I literally saw stars and felt the room spinning. I wasnt bleeding heavily, so I tried to chalk it up and decided to deal with it in the morning. 

I barely slept because of the pain, and when morning came, I felt as if I had 200 pounds sitting on top of me. I couldnt even take a deep breath. My RE said to come in right away. My mom drove me down, and I was prepared once again to hear the worst. But to our lovely surprise, there was baby, with its little heart beating away, at just over 115 bpm. I couldnt believe my eyes or ears, I just thanked the Lord over & over.  

Shortly after the amazing news, the  investigation began. My RE wanted to search around a little and see if she could find where the source of the bleeding/pain was coming from. I knew something was wrong because her & the nurse kept looking, pointing, and talking, and the scan was taking much longer than it ever does (about 10 minutes).  

Finally, she told me the news. The other embryo we had transferred had implanted in my left tube. I had a heterotopic (uterine & tubal) pregnancy, a 1 in 10,000 occurrence. I sat in shock and disbelief as she showed us the screen.  Was this really happening???

She could see blood in my stomach, all the way up to my rib cage under my liver. It had ruptured and I was bleeding internally, hence the horrific pain and bleeding. She started talking crazy about maternal death, and saving my life, and by then, I was just zoning in and out.  She said I needed to go to the ER immediately for her to operate. I was losing my left tube, and another baby. 

At this point, there was no other option. My focus shifted solely to whether or not our other baby in utero would make it. There was a 5-10% chance it wouldnt survive the surgery. Its all I could think about, even though I was technically dying myself. We rushed over to the ER, and they started all the business. EKG, bloodwork, another ultrasound, paperwork of history, etc. 

They went over receiving a blood transfusion with me, should I need one. We discussed the safest anesthesia I could get pregnant. My husband and my mom prayed with me and I was wheeled off. Did I forget to mention it was to the same room I had my D & C from our last baby?? I was out pretty quick thankfully. 

The surgery lasted a good hour and a half. My RE went in through my stomach laprascopically, and made 3 incisions. She did have to remove my left tube entirely. They also removed 150 cc of blood from inside my stomach and other locations, saving my life. 

When I woke up, I heard the best news…baby in utero still had a strong heartbeat after the surgery!!  Thank you, Jesus! My RE informed us that the 48 hours following surgery would play a significant role in baby making it or not. We go back Thursday to see. 

I am surviving now. The pain is pretty intense, but its localized to the stomach area where I was cut. Peeing and moving are the worst. I have already stopped bleeding and have no pains or uterus cramps. I was so scared I would wake up with them from the surgery but I didnt. My RE said she never went near my uterus. Another miracle. 

I am taking vicodin only as needed, and I must be out of work for a week or so on bedrest.  Im really still in shock, but incredibly grateful for listening to my body, having a wonderful medical staff, & a fighting baby still inside of me.  

Our due date is set for 12-25-16. A Christmas miracle. Praying every minute  we make it. 

A Scare

As I mentioned in my last post, I started spotting brown on Thursday. I didnt think too much of it, because brown is old blood and I know many women spot during their pregnancies. In addition, I didnt have any cramps and our beta increased from Wednesday to Friday. 

Well, the spotting continued, and on Saturday, it turned from brown to pink to red. And more than it had been. It was still only when I used the bathroom, but the amount on the toiletpaper had definitely increased. I basically put myself on bedrest for 2 days and started to think the worst. 

Then I had the worst night possible. I woke up to excruciating pains in my left hip bone in the back. I was in tears. I didnt know if this was related or not to the bleeding, or if perhaps we had hit a siatic nerve from the daily PIO shots.

When morning came, my mom came over and comforted me since Hubby had to work. She brought me food, cleaned the house, and prayed with me. I dont know what Id do without her. Seriously. 

Anyways, on Sunday I called the on call doctor. I was still spotting, but no cramps. They said they would get me in Monday morning. I assumed they would just be doing another beta, as I am only 5 weeks and 3 days along, and I know how early this is to see anything on a scan. 

When I got to the RE this morning, they asked me to do a UTI test (results back in a few days), and draw my progesterone (still above 30). Then my nurse said there isnt really a point to doing betas now, instead lets do an ultrasound and hopefully we can confirm the pregnancy is in the uterus and rule out ectopic. 

I asked her what she hoped to see this early on. She informed me that a gestational sac would be great, but even if we didnt it was okay. She said she didnt think she would see a yolk sac this early. I prepared myself again for the worst. I knew how upset Id be if she saw nothing, especially after the weekend Id had. 

When she put in the wand she immediately said she saw a gestational sac! And then with a surprised voice, a yolk sac too! I blurted out loud, “thank you, Jesus!” She turned the screen so I could see and she pointed to the little spec where the fetal pole is starting to form. By next week we should be able to see the heartbeat. She printed out the pic for us to keep. 

And while we dont know the cause of the bleeding, we are SO relieved today. We are grateful this pregnancy is in my uterus. We are grateful the bleeding didnt equal a loss. We are grateful for such incredibly strong beta numbers with just 1 baby. We are grateful my uterus still looks great. So many things to be grateful for. 

We pray this little baby is a fighter. Our miracle, take home, rainbow baby. Please keep growing…we love you so much already! 

If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It

I had a pregnancy dream last night. Only my second one ever. 

The first one I had was while I was pregnant back in 2014, and that dream ended with me miscarrying. So, more of a nightmare than a dream I suppose. And oddly enough, that nightmare was right before our first miscarriage. It was awful, I chalked it up to nothing, but about a week later I found myself living it…the nightmare came true. Well, that was the past and the past is the past, right? 

Last night I was pregnant in my dream. Like I had a big belly and all. I was rubbing my belly and showing our baby love. The dream was quite vivid, and I even had my water break in it. We were at home when it broke, I was calm about it, and we made it to the hospital in time to deliver a healthy baby. We held the baby and were full of joy! Everything went as it should. No gender was revealed during the dream. 

This dream is another milestone for me to document in our journey. It showed us making it through a full term pregnancy, and bringing home a happy, healthy child. It felt incredibly real; you know how those dreams are. It brings so much hope for this upcoming transfer!

The Infertile Mother

After our first IVF and subsequent loss, I started to think about how it would be nice to stay at home with our child for the first few years of their life should we ever have one.  

By the time our 3rd transfer and 2 more losses occurred, I no longer was just considering being a stay at home mommy should we have a child, I was set on it. After all the trauma, I couldnt (and wouldnt) even ponder the idea of going back to work after a short maternity leave. 

Note: Im well aware all mothers struggle with going back to work after they have a child. I get it.  But Im going to be brutally honest here and share my inner thoughts on the topic (some might not want to hear them, if thats you, stop reading!) 

I feel like after all the injections, pills, surgeries, procedures, thousands upon thousands of dollars, tests, pregnancies, losses, bloodwork, scans, and appointments that I earned the right to stay at home with our awaited baby longer than the normal amount of time.  I didnt just accidentally get pregnant, I didnt just try a few times, get pregnant and deliver. In fact, I didnt even try for many years, get pregnant and deliver.  I didnt undergo the all mighty IVF and achieve success the first few times either! 

After everything I have given and lost, how could I NOT stay home with this child for a few, measly years??? Come on!

It wasnt until this year, 2016 (1 full year after out 3rd loss), that I have begun seriously considering going back to work after a maternity leave.  I must say I have even surprised myself (and hubby) with this new state of mind.  

Some background on my career-I am a teacher. I have been teaching for 6 years now, 5 years in 4th grade and 1 (this year) in 3rd grade.  I love working with kids and watching them grow, probably one of the reasons I want to be a mommy so bad. I also enjoy working with adults, teaching at the local college. I guess I just enjoy learning and teaching, and teaching and learning! I have my Masters and dream about getting my Doctorate eventually. 

I have always liked to succeed at my job, I dont mind working hard, giving 110%, or putting in extra hours. But infertility and pregnancy loss took a lot from me in 2014 and 2015. It didnt happen overnight, it was sucked out of me little by little, day by day. I didnt want any of my career anymore–I just wanted our baby. These diseases can change so much. Its nuts. 

However, my outlook right now is that I would like our baby, and my career. You know…kind of like a normal person!?! Im not sure if this will change. It very well could. But right now I am getting my self back I think.  I want it to stay that way. I hope it does. The group of adults I work with this year have made it really easy for me. I am blessed with where I am at right now career wise, and I would love to keep my position and have a smiling (sometimes crying!) baby to come home to everyday.

I know juggling a career and a baby wont be easy. But being a stay at home mom sure wont be either. Both deserve all sorts of props if you ask me.  And having a baby wont be all rainbows and unicorns anyway it is sliced, but finally, I feel ready for the challenge of having that family/work balance in my future should I be so fortunate. And for that, I am proud of myself!

Ohio Trip

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. I have had a few of my fellow bloggers reach out and email me to make sure I am okay. I found this to be so incredibly thoughtful of them. Thank you!

For the past 9 months, I have blogged at least 3 times a week, sometimes more. If I wasn’t blogging, I was at minimum reading and commenting. But the truth is, I haven’t really been in the mood lately for any of it.  As one of my blogger friends told me, “it happens to the best of us.”  

Anyways, during this blogging break, a few things have happened that I will catch you up on. For one, we finished all of our Christmas decorating, both inside & out. I plan to post all about that sometime this weekend.  

Second, we took a trip to chilly Ohio over the Thanksgiving holiday.  Our trip was great; a perfect balance of R & R and being on the go.  After a long day of working, driving, and flying, we kicked off this trip with 25 of our closest friends and family members at one of our favorite restaurant’s late on Thanksgiving Eve.  We ended up at another local hang out after and Uber drove us home pretty late (guess I am out of the loop with this Uber stuff, first time I heard of it!).  

  
Thanksgiving was spent with our families just relaxing, watching football and movies, drinking wine, eating, and playing games like chess. The weather was perfect, a crisp 40 degrees, ideal for a hoodie and sweatpants to be lazy in! A much needed break from the 90 degree weather we are used to.  

   
 
On Black Friday, I was lucky enough to spend some time with one of my very best friends. We did lunch and shopping, getting completely soaked in the process. The weather was quite miserable, about 35 and raining all day. I love the cold, but not the cold rain. If it’s cold and wet, it better be snowing.  Regardless, it was a good time (as always when we are together) and she helped me solidify my outfit for my hubby and I’s photo shoot.  

Saturday was spent watching the BIG game, a.k.a. The OSU v. Michigan. We hadn’t been home for this since 2002, so my hubby was pretty pumped. Anyone from the midwest knows this game is a major rilvary. Everyone watches it. Period.  Thankfully, OSU won and our day wasn’t ruined! LOL. Saturday night we attended a surprise 30th Birthday party for my first cousin and saw people we hadn’t in probably 10 years. Good times for sure!

  
The remaining parts of our trip were spent going places we miss, love, and cant go to when we are home in FL. We made sure we went to the apple orchard, and got homemade cider and donuts. Delicious to say the least! We also went to the zoo for a Christmas light show which was absolutely beautiful. My hubby surprised me after the zoo and took me to the spot we had our first date over 15 years ago…Subway (we were only in high school). We went in and sat in the same booth we did that night and got chocolate chip cookies. So sweet of him! I am blessed. 

   
   
   
   
On our way to the airport yesterday, we had some very special pictures taken professionally. I will share these pictures soon in another post. I must say the ones the photographer has shared with us so far have left us speechless and I cant wait to share them with my fellow IF/RPL community.  

On our way out, we also picked up a special onesie that we could not resist. It’s the first purchase we have ever made together for our future baby when we are not pregnant. We both know one day our baby will get to wear it! 

  
As for now, vacation is officially over and it is back to reality tomorrow. Today was spent washing clothes, unpacking, grocery shopping, and loving on our dogs who we missed so much.  I had originally planned to get my first of 3 Lupron injections today, but did not. I’ll save the details of that for for another post too! 

I hope everyone had a great holiday, and I will try to catch up soon with where all of you are in your TTC journeys. Until then, baby dust to all !!!

Good Riddance Halloween

Here is my Negative Nelly (PMS) post for the day…the top 10 reasons why Halloween sucked this year-

1. We didn’t have our babies here to put those cute “My First Halloween” shirts on, as we were supposed to. These types of photos continually flooded my FB feed all day and night.
2. We didn’t have a kid to dress up and take trick or treating, and subsequently argue with about much candy they were allowed to eat. 
3. We have no kids that trick or treat in our neighboorhood-literally we do not get even 1 knock on our door, and its not like we live in the boon docks or something. Weird. 
4. It was 88 degrees. Seriously? Who wants a heat wave on Halloween? 
5. I went to Publix to grocery shop. I got in line at the deli. The guy who waited on me wanted to make small talk and I really wasnt in the mood.  Long story short, he asked me if I had any kids. When I told him I didnt, he had the NERVE to ask my why not. You have got to be kidding me! I cant even go to the grocery store without encountering a person who has no regard of how to mind their own business. Its one thing to ask me if I have kids, but to go on to pry as to why I dont, when we are complete strangers and not only that, we are at your place of work, totally boggles my mind. You might be wondering how I answered. I’m surprised I didnt tell him off; instead I pulled my teacher card excuse out and stated, “oh I am around 20 of them everyday.”  He left me alone. I should have reported his ass. 
6. My husband was on call for the holiday. I hate holidays without him. 
7. I woke up with a pounding headache and scratchy throat. Hope I’m not getting sick.
8. I had to work pretty much all day on the virtual course I teach at the college.
9. No pumpkins were carved this Halloween.
10. Lastly, I miss my dog, Nacho.  We used to dress him up for Halloween often.  I looked through some old pictures of his costumes and it must have set me off. I balled my eyes out to the point of choking and trying to catch my breath as I tightly squeezed my other half. I still blame myself for a lot of how my almost 17 year old baby spent his last days, and unfortunately I rehashed it yesterday. About once every 3 months since he has been gone I do this. Hard to believe he had been gone for 16 months now. 

Nacho & I Halloween 2007

Okay, my rant is over now…And so is Halloween, thank God!  I have never been a fan of it, but something about this year made it much more noticable than usual.  

Anyways, I am so ready for my 2 favorite holidays, what I like to call the real holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. See ya later, October! Welcome November!