2016

First and foremost, I want to take a moment to wish all my fellow bloggers and readers a happy, healthy, and blessed 2016. You all are such a huge part of my life and I couldnt imagine it without you! 

Some of you reading this are probably in the same boat as me–ready for 2015 to be behind you, for a new leaf to be turned over, praying that 2016 will be your miracle year.  Or you might be thinking that you felt this way last year, and the year before that too.  I get it.  

Some of you may have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or family member this year. Others might have finally brought their miracles into the world this year, or welcomed a second or third.  

Some of you may have finally gotten your BFP this year, or maybe just another BFN yet again and again.  Some are thrilled for the BFP, others scared to death because of their past losses.  Some wonder if they will ever conceive still. 

You may have gone through IUI’s and/or IVF’s this year, or recently embarked on the TTC journey and are praying you dont have to go that route.  Maybe you are just patiently waiting to fall pregnant each month, maybe you are saving every penny you own for medical help, or perhaps you are eagerly expecting your due date as we speak.  

Maybe you are a struggling new mom lacking sleep and wondering what you got yourself into. The PPD and juggling act is real. 

Perhaps you are sick from the child within you, or sick from all your injections. Maybe both. Maybe you are excited for an ultrasound to see the beautiful life inside you, or dreading hearing that appointment to confirm your worst fears are true.  

Maybe you are anxiously awaiting a placement from an adoption agency, or foster home as we speak.  Or you might be investigating surrogacy, egg donors, or embryo adoption. Maybe you are pondering having a child free life with your partner. Or maybe you really have no clue what you even want from all this anymore and are on a break. Its okay, I get it.  

No two journeys are the same.  But wherever you are in it, I pray you feel some peace moving into this new year. *Try* to be thankful for what you do have and live every day to the fullest, even though things might not be exactly what you want right now.  

Sending you my best (and of course, lots of baby dust) for 2016! 

The Nightmare After Christmas, Side Effects, & Another Anniversary

I vividly dreamt that I miscarried again. In the past, I have only dreamt that our cycles have failed and no pregnancy was achieved.  These nightmares bothered me, but not nearly as much since I aready knew we could get pregnant via IVF.  

So long story short, this nightmare was awful. Anyone who has miscarried before knows what goes along with one, so I will spare you the details. I know its ‘just a dream’ and my subconscious ‘releasing my inner fears,’ but still…it was horrific.

I woke up sweating, pleading with God to spare me from the agony of another miscarriage in the future.  I know his plan is already made, whatever it may be, but I *desperately* pray this is not part of it.

On another note, the side effects from the Lupron injection so far are very minimal. Ive only felt nauseous at night, and its brief.  Basically, I just go to sleep when it starts. Im hoping it stays this way because I can deal with that.  I was a little nervous that the injection site itself would be an issue, but its not.  I put my heating pad on it immediately following the shot because it keep cramping up. That helped and it was gone by day 2.  

This time last year I was pregnant from FET 2. In fact, today was beta day. I already knew though, I had taken plenty of HPT’s to affirm. My first beta came back over 300.  We were thrilled. 

Im going to try and get out of the house today and keep myself a little busy.  Ive been doin okay, enjoying the holidays as much as possible.  I briefly cried on Christmas, and it was more like I couldnt help it than anything. I didnt have a lot of emotion with the tears, if that makes any sense!  It was just happening.  

I think today I will go look at some new flooring for our master bedroom with my mom (hubby is on call).  The carpet has been in since the house was built in 2003 and its officially outstayed its welcome.  We want to put in a nice laminate or hardwood.  Sorry if this post is all over the place…its similar to me and how I am feeling this early morning! 

Lupron Depot Injection #1

Today marks officially moving towards FET 3. My 1st of 3 monthly Lupron intramuscular injections is complete. For any new followers, this is hopefully going to shrink my Adenomyoma that an operation didnt get rid, which could be a culprit of my recurrent pregnancy loss.  

As I arrived at my RE’s office today with presents in hand, I couldnt help notice the pretty Christmas decorations all around me.  And as I sat in the waiting room, it dawned upon me that this is our 3rd Christmas in that office. Hard to believe. Last year, we sat there pregnant and the year before that, we were gearing up for our very 1st cycle there. I couldnt help but wonder what next Christmas will bring…will we finally have our baby home with us? I hope so. 

As I waited, I also noticed the very pregnant lady and her partner next to me. I overheard that they were there for an off-the-record gender scan. My RE does these for patients who have been through the IVF trenches around 15 weeks if they do not want to wait for the OB scan at 20 weeks. Its a really nice gesture in my opinion.  Anyways, you could see the delight on the couples faces.  For a moment or two, I was struck by grief.  Then I couldnt help be happy for them. God only knows what they have been through. I cant, and I wont judge. 

The injection in my a$$ was not too bad. My nurse did a fine job. I asked her to pose with the massive needle for a picture beforehand (gotta have some fun, right?) and she happily did.  

  
I jumped when the needle went in (ouch!) and felt (and am still feeling) warm sensations from the waist down on 1 side of my body. But thats it, no bleeding or any issues.  I still plan to just take it easy and lay around today regardless.  

I am pleased the injection went well, because I was a little nervous about it leading up until today.  Now that its done, I am more worried about the side effects. I guess only time will tell with those.  I did start my Aygestin today as well, which is a form of birth control known to minimize the menopausal state my body will now be in from the Lupron.  Please stay away menopause feelings! 

Upon getting dressed, I could hear the staffs excitement in the adjacent room. I knew immediately it was the gender scan taking place. When I exited my room, I was faced with my nurses in the hallway as they exited that room. It was a weird awkardness. One of them broke the silence and said, “its going to be you next,” as another chimed in, “and we will all be right there, gathered around you, hugging you!” and yet another, “oh yea, most definitely.”   I just smiled, hugged them, and wished them a Merry Christmas.  I dont say it often, but I am beyond thankful for their support.  

I set up my next injection for 1 month from now, and the 3rd for a month from that.  I also received the schedule of transfer weeks for each month of 2016. She printed one for me, which I guess they arent supposed to do (dont ask me why). Being a VIP does have its benefits! Lol. Looking at that schedule was not easy at all.  I realized I have been handed a transfer schedule 4 times now, everytime thinking I would never need to see it again.  

Hubs and I have kicked around the dates, and if all goes as planned with this current treatment, we would like to transfer in early April. This would mean I would do all of my monitoring over my spring break in March.  It would also be close enough to the end of the school year should another tragedy strike. And, it would mean our baby would be born before 2016 ends, our Christmas baby.  

I am glad to have the 1st injection under my belt. I have been putting it off since my hysteroscopy in September.  It was a hurdle that needed to be crossed.  Now lets pray that it does its job and shrinks that mass! 

Christmas Mini-Vacation

Hubby & I spent the night at Gaylord Palms Resort this weekend.  We had never been and wanted to experience the much raved about and highly proclaimed ICE! Christmas festivities that take place there annually. 

I love Christmas time, so this was right up my alley.  You will have to excuse the tons of pictures I snapped, I couldn’t help myself!  

We started out the day exploring the atrium, which our balcony overlooked.   

    
Next, we ventured to the arcade (2 big kids at heart).  We played basketball, skeeball, air hockey, and fruit ninja to name a few.

   
 
On to a late lunch/early dinner poolside at the adult bar.  We liked the fact that there was a dedicated adult only pool and spa area. It was a nice getaway from all the families with babies/kids when we needed it.  

   
 
After dining, we made it to the main attractions, the Christmas tree lighting ceremony and ICE!  I highly recommend this, kids or no kids. It was unbelievable. The detail of the sculptures was impressive.  I also loved how each room closely followed the classic poem from Clement Clarke Moore, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (each stanza was written).  

A word of advice…dress warmly because it is only 9 degrees in the exhibit since everything (seriously everything) is made of ice.  We brought our own winter gear, but they do provide a coat if you dont have one.  And get the fast pass and skip the wait, its worth it. 

  
    
    

   
    
    
    
   
    

We both agreed our favorite part of the attraction had to be the nativity scene at the very end. It was so nice to see that the meaning of Christmas still shines through! I hope this stays part of ICE and isnt done away with. 

We will definitely go back again one day. I wont lie and say there werent any tough moments with the kids running galore amongst us. We had our moments… we talked through them, shed a few tears, but most importantly we decide to keep our hope for our future.  We CANNOT wait for our next trip with our whole family! 
  

1 Year Ago Today…

We did our last FET and I was PUPO (for all my non-IF readers, pregnant until proven otherwise).  

Since we lost baby Isaiah and his twin, I have dreaded this day.  I think I will be OK, overall I am doing well with it. Its just been on my mind 24/7 as we rolled into the month of December. 

Last year, this month was filled with so much anticipation for what could come. It pretty much revolved around appointments, injections, blood draws, and peeing on sticks.  This year is quite the opposite.  We still have anticipation for the future, but its not the same.  

In fact, this is the first time I have approached a prior transfer date without being in the process of undergoing another.  Theres no hiding from it or distractions from it. Its just us, face to face with the rawness that it has been a year now since we got pregnant last. Still hard to believe.

Instead of being on bedrest this weekend as I was last year, we will be heading to Gaylord Palms and celebrating Christmas just the two of us. Im sure it will be on our minds, but Im also sure it wont spoil all we have to be thankful for.  

Family Photos

I don’t have a lot of words to go with this post.  I want to share our professional family photos with my fellow infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss warriors.  I cant express with words how much these photos mean to us. They are a tangible memory of our family, something you do not have much of when you lose your babies.  There were so many to choose from, I just couldnt narrow it down any further, so I shared all these with you. 

We will cherish these special photos forever and one day show our future babies their angel brothers and sisters watching over them from up above! 

  

    
    
    
    
 
 
    
    
 
   
 

CD 1…3 Days Late

I have been awaiting my monthly friend that reminds me each month I am not pregnant.  Like clockwork, she comes every 28 days. But not this month. This month she decided to come 3 days later than usual.  I guess she decided to play mind tricks, allowing me to actually question if I could be pregnant.  

Yesterday, the stark white test confirmed it couldnt possibly be true, and then her appearance reaffirmed that today.  The disappointment was minimal; it was pretty expected at this point.  So, with that being said, I have emailed my nurse and set up my first Lupron injection for this week.  Finally. 

As the night comes to a close, I begin to think about how quickly these next 3 months on Lupron are going to fly by. I think about how our FET will likely be here before I even realize it. Some fear arises inside me, mixed with excitement, followed by thinking, ‘bring it, 2016 is going to be our year.’  

Phillipians 4:13