Diary of a Pregnant Woman, Vol. 5

I passed my 1 hour glucose test! One less thing to worry about! My iron levels are also in the appropriate range, along with the rest of my blood levels from my 28 week CBC. So happy to hear all of this! 

Other happenings-

• I have gained a total of 30 lbs. at just over 30 weeks, but not much in the last month. Talked with my OB and MFM about this and they assure me it is okay as long as baby boy is still growing as he should. Most of the 30 lbs. I packed on were on by week 20! Anyways, looks like Im on track to gain about 40 lbs. total. 
• I am snoring soooo bad at night. Oink, oink. Hubby actually had to leave the room for the first time as he could not get any rest last night. Not only am I snoring, but Im like choking on my snores and waking up panicked because Im having trouble breathing. It is scary! I brought it up at my appt today because I thought I might have some weird pregnancy sleep apnea (if that even exists?). The midwife seemed to brush it off though, told me to elevate myself more, & use nasal spray before bed. I will give the elevating a try in bed, if that doesnt work, looks like Ill be headed to the recliner to sleep soon. 
• Hubby & I have been keeping busy putting together all the stuff we were blessed with at the shower. We couldnt wait any longer to do it, we have been waiting for almost a decade now for all of this to happen! So, each day we assemble something different. Its so fun. So far we have configured the Baby Trend pack and play, Baby Trend bouncer, Fisher Price rock and play, Chicco stroller/carseat, & mamaRoo swing. We also filled the bookshelf with all the books we got at our shower. Everything fits perfectly in it. Next up is setting up the monitor we got! 

• Our maternity photos are this weekend at the beach! Im excited to get them done but also nervous. I hope I look okay in them, hubby told me to embrace it so I am going to try and do so…Belly out & all! My mom is coming along for the pics too. I will post some of them next week! 
• We only have 3 classes left at the hospital (2 more labor & delivery, and one CPR)…which means the homestretch of the pregnacy is upon us. In just 2 months, our rainbow will be here with us! 
• Can I tell you how much Cobra insurance sucks?? We had to dish out 2 months worth of it until I go on hubbys insurance in January. Please tell me how one can justify paying $600 a month for an individual just to maintain their current coverage?!? Joke. Like its not bad enough already that we get NO infertility coverage here in Florida. I guess the silver lining would be I have long ago met all out of pocket deductibles for the year so no more cash upfront other than the Cobra has to be dished out. 
• Hubby took off 2 weeks for baby’s arrival. Im looking forward to this time we will have together as a family of 3 (well, 5 if u count the furbabies) We hope to keep the amount of home visitors during this special time to a minimum. This isnt to say we dont want any visitors, we do, but we want the majority of our time at home to be spent learning the ropes and in all honesty, just taking it all in… If that makes sense.  Who knows if we will change our minds, but this is where we are right now with it. 
• We are already planning our first family trip! Sounds sort of crazy considering baby isnt even here yet, right?! When he is about 5 months old (early June 2017), we plan to head north for our nephews high school graduation. We are so excited to see all of our family & friends & show off our little Miracle to them! As of now, we think we will be driving and staying about 2 weeks, but Im sure that could easily change due to numerous factors. 
• I am proud of myself for getting all of our handwritten shower thank you notes done already! I just dropped them in the mail today. Can we say awesome for not even a 2 week turn around time?!? 

Diary of a Pregnant Woman, Vol. 3

We completed session 2 of the Parenting & Infant Care Class this week. Let me tell you, session 2 was MUCH better than session 1! If you recall, session 1 was basically all the ways you can kill your baby. Session 2 not at all. Instead we learned-

• How to properly burp baby 
• How to change baby’s diaper
• How to swaddle baby right (I think this was our favorite)
• How to put a shirt on baby correctly 
• How to bath baby
• How to care for the circumcised weenie
• How to take care of the umbilical cord site 
• Some normal infant conditions not to worry about (cradle cap, swollen scrotum, rash, etc.) 
• Different brands and types of products for baby (bum creams, bottles, nipples, detergents, diaper brands, etc.) 

Overall, it was an enjoyable class! Unfortunately, the instructor must have scared away quite a bit of the group from session 1, as only a few people showed up for session 2. Next week, we have our breastfeeding class at the hospital together. Hubby will attend as they go over dad’s role, and we both want him to be involved even though I plan to breastfeed. 

We are 26 weeks today!! Can you believe it? I can’t! Last week, Miracle had his first growth scan at the MFM. He was in the 65% percentile and close to 2 lbs. My cervix measured over 3 again, heartbeat in the 140’s as usual, and the report was great. As hubby & I sat in the doctors office and she said “I got nothing, all looks as it should,” we just looked at each other in awe. Hearing nothing is wrong never gets old after you have heard something is wrong so much. Since all has continued to go well, they dont want to see me back until I enter the 3rd trimester in a few weeks. This is the longest I will have gone without an appointment! But I believe I can do it! 

Symptoms? 

Other than the 30 lb weight gain total, headaches this week. Braxton Hicks still happening. Carpal tunnel continues at night and at times like this when Im typing! Food not sounding as good as Id like it to. Peeing A LOT. In fact, the other night baby boy must have been right on top of my bladder. It felt as if his foot was pushing on it and pressure was going to my cervix. It was like a pinching feeling and Id jump when Id feel it. I did not like it bc I thought he might be on his way out! I kept peeing and finally he moved away. Phew! 

The best symptom? He is still kicking away, and even though its early, I do a kick count everyday and he passes. Thank God. 

Exciting news?

Someone bought the carseat off our registry for us! Really happy because obviously this is a neccessity. After the shower in a few weeks, we will install it and have a car seat inspector check it out. The hospital gave us the info of the offices who do this in the area & I thought what a great service! I guess so many people install them wrong & have no clue until its too late. 

My bff from Ohio is coming to my shower! Along with 2 of my cousins and two of my aunts from up north. I feel so honored, and cant wait to see them.

A couple bump pics of me lately…

Thinking of you all…

Ramblings Part 2

I figure why not continue the tangents for a bit, hey?

• We had our hospital tour today! Hubby & I went out to breakfast beforehand and my nerves were really acting up. So much that I didnt really want to eat, but I did. I have no clue why the anxiety set in, because I really was excited for the tour. He helped me work through it though and I was good by the time we arrived. The tour catered mostly to vaginal delivery procedures, we couldnt even see the OR room for c-sections because it is so sterile. Although I am hoping to do a vaginal delivery, I was curious of how things look if it doesnt play out that way. I did speak up and ask a few questions and the nurse was helpful in answering them. We learned about admittance, the different rooms we will be in, visitor policies, what to bring, the NICU, lactation consultants, circumcision, cord cutting, etc. 
• We have narrowed our choice for a pediatrician down to 2. I eliminated one of the 3 practices we were looking at for the simple reason that they wanted to charge me to meet the doctor for a prenatal consult. Um, no. Now the decision comes down to do we want a small office with just one doctor, or a large practice with rotating doctors and nurse practioners? 
• We signed up for two classes-one is infant safety, and the other is prep for labor & delivery. The infant safety course meets 2 times and the l & d class 4 times. I am excited to learn more at the classes. We also plan to take a CPR class closer to the birth with my immediate family. I did attend an informative breastfeeding class already, and I am hoping all goes as planned in that department. 
• I had my cervix check at 22 weeks and I am thankful to report that it is still long (close to 4) and closed. Baby boy weighs over a pound now and is growing as he should. There are some pics of him below! A few people said they see my resemblance in him already, but I cant see it. I did get scared during the ultrasound because the tech informed me that I was having a Braxton Hicks contraction. Well, at first she just said “contraction” and showed me it on the screen. She informed me they are totally normal, which I had already read plenty of times, but still. Id like to keep the word contraction out of my vocab as long as possible. She was having a hard time looking at my placenta due to the contractions and it took some time before they stopped finally. Placenta was fine. When I came home, I drank a bunch of water and gatorade and took a warm bath and realized my stomach started to relax. I didnt even notice how tight it had been until she pointed out the BH. I think I was a little dehydrated and it could have brought it on. When the OB called to go over my results, he assured me that with real contractions they increase in intensity and the cervix shortens…so, in other words..stop worrying!! Any ladies want to share about their BH contractions? Ever get them when dehydrated? 

• In my last post I mentioned the Tdap vaccine. Turns out hubby got the booster a few years back so he is all good there. Honestly he was my main concern. He is in & out of so many places with work and he coughs a lot to begin with. Now that I know he is vaccinated, I feel much better. I dont believe I will get vaxxed for it when I am still pregnant, if anything I will get it at the hospital afterwards. The peditricians we like so far said they will also do it for us and our immediate family at their office, so thats an option too. We will see. Thanks for all the input on this shot! 
• Im not sleeping well this week. I cant get comfy and wake up around 3 everynight and stay up. It sucks. I want to sleep on my stomach or back, and obviously I cant do either. I got one of those wedge pillows early on, but its not cutting it anymore. Im going to need some sort of body pillow, and I dont like the snoogle. I tried it and returned it. It was just too big for me, and the neck piece was uncomfy. I have a special pillow I use for my neck and I would like to continue with it. Most of the pregnancy pillows I see have a neck piece attached unfortunately. 
• We are hanging the shelves in the nursery this weekend since hubby took off. Im excited to put some decor on it after! Hope everyone enjoys theit weekend! 

Flashback to 2/6/15

*Originally written on 2/6/15, one of the hardest days of my life.

My mom drove me home from the ultrasound appointment as she tried to hold herself together. I told her to text the news to friends or family members we had excitedly told about our pregnancy.
I couldn’t believe I was telling her to do this. Instead of our pregnancy going public in 2 short weeks, we would be suffering yet another loss. Celebrated by serial beta testing. I hated the world. And I despised my body for failing again.
When I got home, I started throwing things away immediately. This was not like the last loss when I asked my husband to put all of the “stuff” away nicely for me. I started pitching medications, cards, maternity clothes, positive tests, books…basically anything I could get my hands on. GARBAGE.
When my husband arrived home that night, we both just laid in bed and cried. There was NOTHING to say. We stared blankly at the ceiling, just as I did at the doctor’s office earlier that morning. I didn’t sleep that night, I sobbed. And from time to time, I shoved my face deep into my pillow and flung my fists. My entire face was pretty much swollen red for days.
The d & c was set for 1 p.m., just 2 days after the ultrasound that changed our lives. Like any other surgery, I couldn’t eat or drink after midnight Thursday night. The eating part I was just fine with. In fact, I had barely taken a bite out of anything since we found out we lost the pregnancy. I went from literally eating non stop, to not eating at all. It was the not drinking part that was a problem for me. Mostly because I had come down with a terrible sore throat and headache Thursday. My throat was as dry as a bone and my head was throbbing.
I stayed up all night, tossing and turning, in true despair and pain, starting to feel like I was being punished. Or tortured for that matter. I had a lifeless child inside of me. I couldn’t have water, and I couldn’t take anything for my headache. I guess the truth of the matter is, that many people, even children, all around the world, experience this torture everyday. No water or medicine to help them feel better. For some reason, in my darkest moment, my heart actually ached for them and not for us.
We made it through the night, and the next day arrived. The day of the d & c, the day I should have been 10 weeks along. Part of me wanted to get it all over with right away, but another part of me wanted to hold on to what was left. The doctor thought it would be in my best interest to undergo general anesthesia, so I had no recollection of the event. But general anesthesia or not, this day of the d & c was plain awful. And when I say awful, I am not by any means exaggerating.
We got to the hospital at 11 a.m. thirsty. After checking in, we went into the waiting room. Of course, there were babies everywhere and wouldn’t you know it, a very pregnant woman directly in front of the empty chairs we had to sit in as we waited. 

They took me back, and as usual, got more blood (honestly surprised I have any left). I undressed, put my belongings into a bag, and slipped on the gown. Next, the nurse stuck the IV into my hand (worst place ever to get an IV). I had bruised, greenish-yellow, swollen hands. This nurse was not my doctor’s nurse, and not very gentle to say the least.
She asked me to confirm why I was there, and I (literally) choked on my tears. I mumbled the answer. She simply looked at me and said, “OK” in a perky voice and she walked away. Not, “I’m sorry to hear that,” or “that’s very sad,” or anything. I was simply another patient in this place of death. No longer was this hospital looked at as a place of life. I guess it can be viewed either way depending on who you ask. If you asked me a week earlier, I would have told you I was excited to take a tour where we would have our baby. Now, I loathed the place with everything in me.

Around noon, my mom requested the anesthesiologist give me something so I would calm down. He did, even though I still continued to cry long after it was supposed to have “kicked in.” My doctor came in a little after 1 pm and talked with us. She informed us that the POC (products of conception) would be sent out immediately to the lab. At the lab, the POC (real nice name for a life that was lost) would undergo genetic micro-array testing. The results would let us know us if the baby had a genetic anomaly, such as Trisomy 18 or 21, that caused it to just stop growing. The results would take up to 2 weeks. Another 2WW. FML.

My doctor gave me a hug, and a kiss on the forehead, and said she would take care of me like I was her own daughter. Then she said she would see me when I woke up to let me know how it went. The nurses rolled me off to the operating room. Unfortunately, I still remember the room they took me in. So large, bright and white, with metal instruments surrounding me. They rolled me onto a different bed than the one I was on. Above me, I saw what looked like the small lamp a dentist uses at an exam, but instead the lamps were super sized and everywhere. Creepy. They strapped my arms down, and put the oxygen mask on my face. The anesthesiologist popped in, and said it would be only a few seconds and I’d be out. He was right.

I woke up as they were rolling me into the recovery room. My first memory is throwing up all over myself. After that, opening my eyes and starting to cry within seconds. The little old lady attendant who was waiting to check me into recovery said, “Oh no! Please don’t cry!” I was completely groggy, but still in a lot of pain. The cramps were BAD. My new recovery room nurse gave me Vicodin through my IV right away. About 10 minutes later, the cramping started to subside. As I tried to get comfortable, I felt gushes of blood. I was disgusted in my half alive state. Utterly disgusted. This was not supposed to be happening.

I ended up staying in recovery for a few hours because I kept needing Vicodin. In turn, the Vicodin would make me sick, and I would need Zofran, which would knock me out. It was a vicious cycle- Vicodin, puke, Zofran, sleep, repeat. My doctor came to check on me and tell us how it went.

She said she was able to clearly take our little angel out. That’s all I really heard her say. 

At that moment, I wondered what he or she would have looked like, and what it would have been like to hold them.

Tunnel Vision

Tunnel vision seemed like an appropriate title for this post being the gargantuan MRI machine feels like being stuck in a shallow tunnel, surrounded tightly on all sides with blaring fireworks going off directly into your ears.  

I arrived at the dreaded hospital (aka place of death) about 15 minutes early for my MRI.  Thankfully, they are currently in the process of renovating so it didnt even look like the same place I stepped foot in 8 months ago when I underwent the D & C.  I checked in, got a wristband, and was pleasantly informed that my insurance would pay 100% for it.  While waiting, I asked the lady at the desk if I could request a copy of my images that would be taken.  She gave me a form and I filled it out. Finally, the technician called me back and reviewed the script with me.  I must say how sweet this lady was…she asked questions, listened to my story, and even took the time to call my RE’s office to ask a few questions.  

I have only had 1 MRI before and that was for the herniated disc I have in my neck. What I remembered most from that was how long the scan seemed and that I couldnt really move much. I didnt remember it to be too bad.  Now, I should add that this neck MRI was a several years back, which were pre-anxiety days, or the pre-IVF and pre-RPL days of my life. 

This being said, I contemplated the idea of taking a Xanax before todays MRI, but did not since I drove myself to the appt. straight from work.  Anyways, I had an IV adminstered this time for the dye which I did not have in the past.  After the IV, she had me take off all metal items, empty my bladder, and lay on the table.  She asked me what type of music I wanted to listen to, reviewed the protocol with me, put on my headphones, and pushed me into the tunnel.  

Immediately, I caught myself feeling anxious.  I started breathing heavier and suddenly felt like I was going to die.  If you have not experienced anxiety/panic before, this probably sounds insane to you…nevertheless, its true.  I closed my eyes and started praying.  I was able calm down after a few minutes.  I considered pushing the help button several times as I stared at the top of the tunnel above my face.  Then I started to think of all the people with terminal diseases who constantly go through procedures like this.  Just for a moment, I felt like I could relate to them.  Please dont misunderstand, my disease is in no way fatal like theirs; but my level of empathy and understanding for the pain they endure was taken to another level at that moment.  Something I will never forget.  Something positive that infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss have bestowed upon me…more compassion. 

Needless to say, I sucked it up and did not push the button.  Instead, I began to think about the journey to where we are now.  I imagined an imaginary line running up the center of the tunnel, from the bottom where my feet lay, to the top of the tunnel where my head was. Sort of like a timeline with my feet being start and my head finish.  I wondered where we are on the line in regards to bringing our baby home…are we close to the top? In the middle? Still at the bottom? I started to place events on the line, giving each a few moments of my time.  I couldnt see above my feet as she slid me at times…this was good…putting those events behind me.  I ended up placing us somewhat close to my head, in the vicinty of my upper torso to be exact.  

Time was finally up. The wonderful technician surprised me with the CD of my images on the spot, so I did not need to mess with getting them another time. I popped in the CD and tried to examine it when I arrived home.  All of it looks utterly insane to me.  I tried Dr. Google, still no help there.  Regardless, it was comforting to be handed the CD, even if I cant make anything of it until my RE calls me.  Its the little things in life, right? 

Fall Holiday

Yesterday was officially a fall holiday off from work. Our day off had originally been booked with appointments centering around the upcoming FET that ended up getting cancelled (day 3 ultra and blood). We also had a SA set up for Shane since its been well over 2 years now since his varicocele repair.  We have been pretty much getting them done every 6 months since the surgery for data points, and over time have watched them slowly, but steadily increase.  

Anyways, we cancelled all of these appointments.  For obvious reasons the day 3 is off and the SA can wait. Neither one of us felt like driving an hour south for it.  Getting pregnant right now isnt an option, so the SA is irrelevant.  

We spent the day relaxing and getting my fall decorations out of the attic.  I wanted to put all my items out on display, but I have a hard time doing so when its still so darn hot out. Like 90! However, if I wait for a cold front to come in I might miss the whole season. I think I will break down and do it this weekend.  

We also went to Nutrition Smart, a local health food store in our area.  We stocked up on more COQ10, and our soaps and body washes we always get there.  Additionally, I invested in some Castor Oil packs.

  
I have been researching these packs for sometime now.  Many women use them to help naturally heal their fibroids and I figure I might as well give it a shot.  I inquired with the lady who worked there about what most people use them for (just to see what she would say) without telling her my knowledge of what they are used for…I was pleasantly surprised when she replied quickly with “fibroids.”  As we speak, I am currently “soaking” in this sticky oil! My dogs seem to think I have some type of food lathered on my body…I have been fighting them off me the whole time. 

  
One last thing regarding my MRI next week. As you know, the specialist at the hospital who my RE initially wanted to read the MRI couldnt be found. He quit. I still scheduled at the outpatient hospital he used to work at.  After scheduling, I received a message from the scheduling dept. saying they needed to speak with me about my appt. time. When I called back the lady asked if I could come in earlier in the day for it…I explained that I am a teacher 2 counties away and no I couldnt, that I already set it all up workwise.  I asked her why and she said they needed to maintenance the MRI machines at their location! Im sorry, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. I know all machines need maintenance, but with my luck it is probably a faulty machine or something. 

She offered that I could keep my original time and go to the actual, “real” hospital for the MRI if I wanted.  The hospital that I had my last d & c at…where our last baby was taken from my body.  I hate that hospital.  Really, all hospitals for that matter (aka place of death).  And I havent been back to a hospital since that awful day back in February.  BUT, I sucked it up and said “OK.”  Hopefully I will get a working machine, a pleasant tech, and be in and out of that place.  Hospitals are big places and Im praying I am nowhere near the same section I was last time.  Until then my friends ….

A Few Things…

1. I am currently at the spa, treating myself to a new hair cut, color, tan, and perhaps a pedicure if I feel like allowing someone to touch my feet.
2. I called the hospital my RE wants me to get the MRI done at and requested the specialist she gave me the name of.  The lady who answered initially told me that she thought this person was on vacation (no surprise there, why should anything ever be easy?).  She asked if she could call me back after she looked into it.  Soon after I got a call from her informing me that the specialist no longer works at their hospital and she does not know his whereabouts. Shocker!!! Not.  I proceeded to email my RE and am awaiting a reply on whats next. 
3. The past 2 times I have given blood and/or got an IV, the nurses have slapped (not tapped) my veins like a heroin addict looking for a fix.  When I questioned it, they explained that my right arm has so much scar tissue built up, they cannot hit a vein anymore.  I guess my left still has a few spots available to work with. Maybe later today I will count up how many times I have had needles in my arms the past few years; I am estimating somewhere in the range of 60-80 times.  Who knows.
4. I have been tracking how much I am peeing during the nights the past several weeks. I was diagnosed years ago with a smaller than average bladder by a urologist, but things have really accelerated in the pee department as of lately.  Im peeing now more than I ever even did pregnant.  It started out where I was getting up 3 times a night consistently, and now its up to 5 a night consisently.  This is after barely sipping anything to drink. Hence, I am sooo thirsty but cant bear to drink more because I might as well plan on pulling an all nighter if I do.  I am assuming the wonderful mass in my uterus is causing this problem. More solidification that we have a big problem on our hands. So frustrating. 
5. I am coming down with a cold. I took airborne last night to try and fight it  off. Im sneezing like crazy and my throat is hurting.  Perfect timing!
6. Our fur babies are such a blessing to us. I have never dedicated a post to them, but this is in the works and well overdue. 
7. I have not responded to all of the caring comments you all have sent our way after the bad news we received this week. This is unlike me. Please know I am so thankful for all of you and will reply soon. We are still letting it all soak in.