Grief

I have been thinking about writing this post all week, but really dont know how to put my grief into words. No, this isnt about our new bundle of joy that means the world to us. He is doing great. 

This is about the struggle that stays with you after you become a mom…dealing with loss and infertility after motherhood.

Two years ago today, I underwent my last d & c at 10 weeks pregnant. It was our 3rd Frozen Embryo Transfer, and we thought we were almost out of the woods (or first trimester). I wont rehash all of the awful details with our loss, you can read about them in our archives back in March of 2015 if you are in a place where you need to relate. If you are, my prayers go out to you. However, I will say that this February day back in 2015 still haunts, or hurts me deeply. 

I sat in the bathtub last night, when I should have been relaxing after a long day filled with cluster feeds, dirty diapers, cries and sweet rainbow baby coos, only to find myself grieving deeply. 

You see, having a baby doesnt replace losing one. Having a miracle in your arms actually makes you wonder even more about what your other child would have been. All the moments you are enjoying now that you lost with them. There is even a smidge of guilt mixed in with the grief. 

We will never know why we lost Isaacs brother that winter day a few years ago, or why we lost all 5 of his other siblings before that. All we can do is thank God for what we have and cherish it even more. Pray for peace for all the babies taken too soon, and for all the moms that became moms the second those embryos were placed inside of them…regardless of the outcome. You are a mother even though many might not recognize it. The love starts way before the baby arrives. Losing many and now having one has made me realize it even more. 

Rest in peace Isaiah William with all the other angels gone too soon 💙 today we think of you 💙

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January 28, 2015

  

A year ago today we found out we lost baby B, but that baby A, who we later named Isaiah (above), was measuring perfect at 8w4d, and his heart was beating just as it should.  

   
    

I remember how he was jumping around like a little jelly bean during the ultrasound! We could even see his little feet! 

My singleton due date was officially set for 9-5-14.  

Little did we know we would not make it until that day with him, or even get to see another ultrasound of him alive. 

Always thinking of you, and trying to make you proud of your mommy, my precious angel babies 💙💗

Anniversary Trip

Totally stoked to share that we have booked a cruise to the Bahamas for our 9 year wedding anniversary this August! 

Originally, we were looking to book a trip for our 10 year anniversary in August of 2017, but we soon realized that there were some really great deals out there that we could take advantage of this summer.  

Thanks to all of your suggestions in one of my prior posts, we had so many amazing destinations to investigate! We ended up going with a cruise to the Bahamas for a few major reasons:

  1. We have never been there
  2. We live in South Florida, so its just a hop, skip, & a jump away
  3. We have cruised once before & enjoyed it 
  4. We *may* be pregnant (20 weeks to be exact if we transfer in April) and do not want to fly anywhere if we are.

There are so many areas of the Bahamas to explore, and the cruise will only touch a few of them. If we like the islands, our idea is to return next year for our 10 year, and stay at an all-inclusive resort like Sandals in Exuma Bay (you can swim with pigs here!!!)
We did this very same thing with our engagement and honeymoon-we first cruised to various parts of Mexico during our engagement, loved it, and decided to honeymoon at a resort there the following year, which we loved even more.  So thats the plan with the Bahamas. 

Im so darn excited people! Hubby & I have already started looking into our excursions and what not. As of now, we have a few things booked, but they could easily change over the next couple of months. One of the excursions we booked is swimming with the sting rays (not happening if preggo) and another is a snorkeling beach day.  We also booked a couples massage, which we have never done before! Hopefully we will get to see some entertaining shows and hit up the casino for some fun as well.  

Another special part of the cruise is that our room has a balcony. When we cruised before we had an inside room and had no issues with it, in fact it was really dark and thus we slept quite well. However, we both like the idea of having a cocktail or ordering room service and dining on our balcony just the 2 of us if we feel like it! So exciting…and whats even more exciting is that it could be our babymoon!!!! 

Breathing a Sigh of Relief 

Last week, I was majorly stressing a few things. But today, I am totally breathing a sigh of relief.

My formal observation is over and it went great.

Our flooring has been installed in our master bedroom and looks beautiful.*

We are more than halfway through our Lupron treatment

My doggie had a simple stomach bug and is completely better now. 

Our anniversary trip for 2016, not 2017, is booked and I cannot wait.*

When I got weighed yesterday, I was back down to my normal weight again

The Bachelor is back on, hallelujah.

Thanks to MLK, my Monday is actually today, which makes for a short work week. 

And that’s all folks…hope you have a fabulous week! 

*posts to follow soon 😊

10 Years

Next year, in 2017, hubby and I will be married 10 years! I cant believe it. I really cant imagine my life without that man. He is amazing and makes me very proud each day! 

Hence this will not be a post discussing how long we have been trying to make a baby for unsucessfully, or anything of the sort. Because in all actuality, over the past 16 years, we have experienced so much more together than just trying to conceive, and it wouldnt be fair to act as if our whole relationship is based on this IVF/miscarriage crap. 

So anyways, I want to start planning a 10 year anniversary trip for us next year. I still remember the day we got married, as we were standing at the altar, ready to say our vows, the pastor told us to never stop planning out our future anniversaries. 10 years, 20 years, 50 years…plan them out & dream about them together.  Those words stuck with me. 

We always do something for our anniversary weekend, even if its just a dinner or a local night away, we make it special.  But I feel like 10 years is a bigger one, and Id like to travel somewhere together. This Christmas, we bought a scratch off map of the world (so cool) and pinned it up in our office. As you visit places around the world, you scratch them off. Yes, just like a scratch off ticket! Lol. Thats when we realized we really havent been many places at all together.  To date, outside of the continental U.S., only Mexico, St. Thomas, & Canada.  

We have kicked around venturing to the Bahamas, its super close by (only a 30 minute plane ride from Palm Beach) and we could also cruise there easily if we dont want to fly.  A few years ago we did a cruise (it was nice), and Im not sure if we should go that route again or fly somewhere instead. We do like the all-inclusive model regardless of the mode of transportation used to get to the destination. 

I would really love some ideas on affordable, romantic spots (preferably outside of Florida) for an anniversary trip from you all!! It doesnt have to be dirt cheap (just not talking a trip to Italy here) and it doesnt have to be tropical either. We are up for snow capped location if there is a diamond-in-the-rough spot to be found.  For example, the Poconos look amazing! 

Here is what we are looking for:

  • Adult, couple-like atmosphere
  • Good service 
  • Good food
  • Secluded but scenic
  • Relaxing! 
  • Physical activities to partake in when desired 
  • More on the quiet side than the commercialized crazy side 
  • Reasonable price 
  • Comfy sleeping quarters 

Okay, friends, please share your secret spots with me so I can start planning out this trip for the BIG 1-0! 

On This Day a Year Ago

  
We found out we were expecting twins from our 2nd FET. 

We saw the flickers and heard the beautiful sounds of their beating hearts on this very day 1 year ago. Something that will never be forgotten. 

Sweet baby A and sweet baby B, today we will be thinking of you even more than we usually do 💗💙