What Pregnancy After Loss is Like

A rollercoaster. Walking on eggshells, or perhaps even a tightrope. Being on pins & needles. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Get my drift? 

The past week has been intense to say the least. We started out week 5 on a great note, with very high betas, doubling as they should. After the second one, I started spotting brown. Within 3 days, that turned to pink and then red spotting. I got an ultrasound to reassure us that our worst fears werent coming true. And they werent- we saw exactly what we should have at this point in our pregnancy, a gestational sac, a yolk sac, & the start of a fetal pole. Beautiful! 

A day after that reassurance, not only was I spotting, but now I was bleeding heavily. And it was red. I passed 2 clots. I was sure it was over. I left work & headed to the RE for the 5th time in 10 days. They drew my beta and I went home & waited for what felt like an eternity (they did not want to do another ultra just 2 days from the first, especially since the bleeding had increased after). I was sure my beta had dropped from just a few days earlier. It felt like deja vu to say the least. I was pretty numb.

The phone rang & my nurse sounded chipper. My beta was 26,000 and some change. It had increased just as it should have. I was in utter disbelief at the good news. I thanked God. We didnt miscarry. We went to dinner & celebrated the news. 

The bleeding has now completely stopped. Im praying it stays that way. We are by no means out of the woods, and I dont think we have ever thought we were to begin with, even prior to the bleed. But we are extremely happy today & we are also pregnant today. Thats all we can ask for right?

Our goal now is to make it to our regularly scheduled ultra next week when Im 7 weeks. My RE said if I have another bad bleed before then, I can head in sooner. Ive been taking it super easy, thanks to all the wonderful people in my life. My co-workers have gone above & beyond to help me get through my days with my students-they walk them to lunch, take them to recess & resource, make me copies, etc. Im so incredibly grateful for them. My husband is a saint. He has been cooking breakfast & dinner everynight, running all our errands at night, & feeding, walking, & caring for our dogs. Anything to keep me off my feet. Im so blessed to have him. And my mom, she has kept up with our cleaning and listens to me vent…constantly. God bless her. 

Symptoms/Medications?

I have been nauseous on & off, with both aversions & cravings, and swollen boobs. No complaints, Ill take all the symptoms I can get! My progesterone has been increased from 1cc to 1.5cc, even though my level was still in normal range (30). We figure it cant hurt. Well, I take that back, it does hurt…it hurts my ass! We have run out of spots to inject and Ive had a few welts here and there. Ouch!

Heres to an uneventful week ahead…

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A Scare 

As I mentioned in my last post, I started spotting brown on Thursday. I didnt think too much of it, because brown is old blood and I know many women spot during their pregnancies. In addition, I didnt have any cramps and our beta increased from Wednesday to Friday. 

Well, the spotting continued, and on Saturday, it turned from brown to pink to red. And more than it had been. It was still only when I used the bathroom, but the amount on the toiletpaper had definitely increased. I basically put myself on bedrest for 2 days and started to think the worst. 

Then I had the worst night possible. I woke up to excruciating pains in my left hip bone in the back. I was in tears. I didnt know if this was related or not to the bleeding, or if perhaps we had hit a siatic nerve from the daily PIO shots.

When morning came, my mom came over and comforted me since Hubby had to work. She brought me food, cleaned the house, and prayed with me. I dont know what Id do without her. Seriously. 

Anyways, on Sunday I called the on call doctor. I was still spotting, but no cramps. They said they would get me in Monday morning. I assumed they would just be doing another beta, as I am only 5 weeks and 3 days along, and I know how early this is to see anything on a scan. 

When I got to the RE this morning, they asked me to do a UTI test (results back in a few days), and draw my progesterone (still above 30). Then my nurse said there isnt really a point to doing betas now, instead lets do an ultrasound and hopefully we can confirm the pregnancy is in the uterus and rule out ectopic. 

I asked her what she hoped to see this early on. She informed me that a gestational sac would be great, but even if we didnt it was okay. She said she didnt think she would see a yolk sac this early. I prepared myself again for the worst. I knew how upset Id be if she saw nothing, especially after the weekend Id had. 

When she put in the wand she immediately said she saw a gestational sac! And then with a surprised voice, a yolk sac too! I blurted out loud, “thank you, Jesus!” She turned the screen so I could see and she pointed to the little spec where the fetal pole is starting to form. By next week we should be able to see the heartbeat. She printed out the pic for us to keep. 


And while we dont know the cause of the bleeding, we are SO relieved today. We are grateful this pregnancy is in my uterus. We are grateful the bleeding didnt equal a loss. We are grateful for such incredibly strong beta numbers with just 1 baby. We are grateful my uterus still looks great. So many things to be grateful for. 

We pray this little baby is a fighter. Our miracle, take home, rainbow baby. Please keep growing…we love you so much already! 

FET #3: Beta #3 

Today is a good day. We got back our results this afternoon and our beta did double since Wednesday. Thank God! 

  • Monday-805 HCG, Progesterone 40
  • Wednesday-2504
  • Friday-5134, Progesterone 37

Yesterday & today I had some dark brown spotting (NO cramps at all thankfully).  I know brown is old blood, so I was a little bit more at ease than when I have had bright red blood in past pregnancies. I know bleeds can be totally normal in pregnancy, but with a history of recurrent pregnancy loss its hard to keep that in mind. So, of course I began to think the worst last night. I prepared as much as I could to hear that it was all over & our numbers had dropped when they called today. Its happened before. I also requested to have my progesterone drawn with my beta to make sure it wasnt below what it should be, as I know this can cause a bleed.  

I really couldnt believe it when they called & said all is progressing as it should still. The brown blood is not a sign of harm. So incredibly grateful for this. Now the 2 week wait for the heartbeat or heartbeats begins. The waits are never ending as you all know. Praying for a really uneventful 2 weeks until then!! 

On a different note, I have to share with you some of my 3rd grade students handmade animal projects because they came out delightful & really put the cherry on top of my day! So proud of them…



FET #3: Beta 1 & 2

First, before I get into the numbers, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who commented on our positive HPT result post. You all are the best! 

Monday was beta #1 and today was beta #2. We were hoping for an initial result of 100 or so on Monday, and then of course for it to double from then (as it needs to) today.  

  • Beta 1-805 (10dp6dt)
  • Beta 2-2,520 (12dp6dt) 
  • Beta 3-Friday (14dp6dt)

In no way did we expect such high numbers, and whats more, a number that tripled in 2 days. Our numbers have never been this high, this early on. We are very grateful to God for getting us through this step in the long process ahead. We arent taking anything for granted. Not one single minute. We pray things continue to progress everyday. Our first ultrasound is scheduled in a few weeks. I am not even thinking that far out though, other than praying we get there. We are living day to day with this pregnancy and rejoicing in every milestone. 

As far as symptoms go, I have been having headaches in the evenings. My boobs are pretty swollen, not really sore. Some foods that normally sound great dont. Im 4w4d today. 

Keep us in your thoughts & prayers please! 

FET 3: Beta Eve

I debated for awhile on whether or not I would write this post right now. But then, I really got to thinking, which I will explain in more detail below, and decided I would. 

We found out a few days ago through a HPT that we are indeed pregnant. It is surreal to even type those words. Its been a long time. 7 years of trying, failed IUI’s, surgeries, 4 IVF’s, 3 miscarriages, and here we are again, pregnant. 

First, I should start off by saying that we are thrilled. I cant, and I wont deny or take away from that. We are thanking God every minute. And thats exactly why I am sharing this with all of our supporters so early on. 

The truth is, from the moment we saw those 2 pink lines show up, our lives forever changed again. We are beyond invested. We already have our hopes & dreams for this pregnancy, we share them with each other everyday. We want to celebrate every minute of this life or lives inside of me that we can. 

We know how quickly it all can change. And God forbid it does change, we want the support of those around us. That means more to us then keeping a secret. If our betas dont rise this week, or if there isnt a sac or heartbeat in a few weeks, we will need all the love and support we can get. We are trying not to think that way right now, but we know anything is possible.

We believe in the power of prayer. Please keep praying for us. We really believe this or these are our rainbow babies. We believe we will see them this winter. I have to believe because if I dont, I know thats a really dark place and I wont go there. So, we hope you can rejoice with us today in our news! Today is a good day, today we are pregnant! 

  

FET #3: 7dp6dt

Its been exactly 1 week since we transferred Itty & Bitty back to their home ((hopefully)) until this winter. At times the wait has been tough, at other times not so bad. Going back to work has helped take my mind off things a bit during the days, and at night, by the time we read, eat, shower, & meditate its time for bed. Ive been going pretty earlyyyy. 

Any possible symptoms?

Not sleeping well. Waking up about 1 am and staying up till 2 or so every night this week. Really crazy dreams too. Some quick, sharp pains in my uterus. I had a tiny bit of spotting this morning, which Im praying is a good sign. Thats all I can report in this area. Oh wait, def some moodiness lol. But that of course could be all the meds. 

Our blood test is only a few days away. If it comes back positive, we will have 2 more blood tests following it. Of course, the HCG in my sysytem needs to double each test in order for us to have a viable pregnancy. Our first IVF transfer we had dropping betas, so we know right away it wasnt going to work out. For our other 2 transfers, our betas have risen accordingly. It was only after that that we experienced loss. So as you can see, the road ahead is long, assuming it worked. 

But, we are taking things 1 day at a time, and looking at this like its our first time ever. Trying to forget the past as much as humanly possible. I really feel at peace, and am staying close in prayer to God, celebrating how far we have come. This card was in my 2 week wait set and I just loved it…

  

FET #3: In the Thick of the Wait

I guess I must have forgotten how horrendous the 2ww can be. Especially after an IVF transfer. Ugh! 

I can actually say I was happy to go back to work today after being off since Thursday last week. At least at work my mind doesnt have as much time to wonder. At this point, Im mostly just wondering if it even worked or not. I can only see 1 milestone at a time, no further. And to be honest, even at work, when busy, I still caught myself going there from time to time.  Oh well, I guess its the norm with all this right?

Symptoms? 

Ive had quite a bit of achiness and a little cramping on both sides of my uterus today. Im pretty in tune with it, and its been hard to ignore. Really thats all for today.  

Diet? 

Hubs packed all my healthy lunches for the week yesterday. I offered to do it, but he wouldnt let me. He really tried to keep me relaxed & off my feet all weekend. So cute. Anyways, Ive got several salads packed with hard boiled eggs, topped with tons of veggies, P & J sandwiches, hummus dip, beans, etc. Tonight for dinner we had parmesan zucchini crusted chicken breasts with mashed potatoes and green beans. It was delish! 

What else????

Last night I had a dream that we took an HPT and got a positive. I woke up so excited & then realized it was a dream. We really want this to work so badly! I cant even put it into words. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local home store so she could pick me up a few more pineapple placemats to go with the ones that my aunt originally bought me (she got me 4, I needed 6).  We got the placemats & I told her I wanted to make a “faith” purchase while we were there. Meaning, I wanted to buy something that shows I believe this is going to work; that we will be bringing home our baby or babies this winter. We walked towards the 1 aisle in the store that carried baby things. As soon as we turned the aisle, the first thing my eyes saw was this…

  

I almost cried. I grabbed it & told my mom it was a sign. If you dont know, our last name is Fish (yes, Fish) and Ive been feeling we will have a girl. My mom said, “well arent you going to get 2?” By the time I was done thinking about it, she had already got it. Then she reminded me how when I was younger she always told me I was going to have twin girls! I had totally forgotten.