What Pregnancy After Loss is Like

A rollercoaster. Walking on eggshells, or perhaps even a tightrope. Being on pins & needles. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Get my drift? 

The past week has been intense to say the least. We started out week 5 on a great note, with very high betas, doubling as they should. After the second one, I started spotting brown. Within 3 days, that turned to pink and then red spotting. I got an ultrasound to reassure us that our worst fears werent coming true. And they werent- we saw exactly what we should have at this point in our pregnancy, a gestational sac, a yolk sac, & the start of a fetal pole. Beautiful! 

A day after that reassurance, not only was I spotting, but now I was bleeding heavily. And it was red. I passed 2 clots. I was sure it was over. I left work & headed to the RE for the 5th time in 10 days. They drew my beta and I went home & waited for what felt like an eternity (they did not want to do another ultra just 2 days from the first, especially since the bleeding had increased after). I was sure my beta had dropped from just a few days earlier. It felt like deja vu to say the least. I was pretty numb.

The phone rang & my nurse sounded chipper. My beta was 26,000 and some change. It had increased just as it should have. I was in utter disbelief at the good news. I thanked God. We didnt miscarry. We went to dinner & celebrated the news. 

The bleeding has now completely stopped. Im praying it stays that way. We are by no means out of the woods, and I dont think we have ever thought we were to begin with, even prior to the bleed. But we are extremely happy today & we are also pregnant today. Thats all we can ask for right?

Our goal now is to make it to our regularly scheduled ultra next week when Im 7 weeks. My RE said if I have another bad bleed before then, I can head in sooner. Ive been taking it super easy, thanks to all the wonderful people in my life. My co-workers have gone above & beyond to help me get through my days with my students-they walk them to lunch, take them to recess & resource, make me copies, etc. Im so incredibly grateful for them. My husband is a saint. He has been cooking breakfast & dinner everynight, running all our errands at night, & feeding, walking, & caring for our dogs. Anything to keep me off my feet. Im so blessed to have him. And my mom, she has kept up with our cleaning and listens to me vent…constantly. God bless her. 

Symptoms/Medications?

I have been nauseous on & off, with both aversions & cravings, and swollen boobs. No complaints, Ill take all the symptoms I can get! My progesterone has been increased from 1cc to 1.5cc, even though my level was still in normal range (30). We figure it cant hurt. Well, I take that back, it does hurt…it hurts my ass! We have run out of spots to inject and Ive had a few welts here and there. Ouch!

Heres to an uneventful week ahead…

A Scare

As I mentioned in my last post, I started spotting brown on Thursday. I didnt think too much of it, because brown is old blood and I know many women spot during their pregnancies. In addition, I didnt have any cramps and our beta increased from Wednesday to Friday. 

Well, the spotting continued, and on Saturday, it turned from brown to pink to red. And more than it had been. It was still only when I used the bathroom, but the amount on the toiletpaper had definitely increased. I basically put myself on bedrest for 2 days and started to think the worst. 

Then I had the worst night possible. I woke up to excruciating pains in my left hip bone in the back. I was in tears. I didnt know if this was related or not to the bleeding, or if perhaps we had hit a siatic nerve from the daily PIO shots.

When morning came, my mom came over and comforted me since Hubby had to work. She brought me food, cleaned the house, and prayed with me. I dont know what Id do without her. Seriously. 

Anyways, on Sunday I called the on call doctor. I was still spotting, but no cramps. They said they would get me in Monday morning. I assumed they would just be doing another beta, as I am only 5 weeks and 3 days along, and I know how early this is to see anything on a scan. 

When I got to the RE this morning, they asked me to do a UTI test (results back in a few days), and draw my progesterone (still above 30). Then my nurse said there isnt really a point to doing betas now, instead lets do an ultrasound and hopefully we can confirm the pregnancy is in the uterus and rule out ectopic. 

I asked her what she hoped to see this early on. She informed me that a gestational sac would be great, but even if we didnt it was okay. She said she didnt think she would see a yolk sac this early. I prepared myself again for the worst. I knew how upset Id be if she saw nothing, especially after the weekend Id had. 

When she put in the wand she immediately said she saw a gestational sac! And then with a surprised voice, a yolk sac too! I blurted out loud, “thank you, Jesus!” She turned the screen so I could see and she pointed to the little spec where the fetal pole is starting to form. By next week we should be able to see the heartbeat. She printed out the pic for us to keep. 

And while we dont know the cause of the bleeding, we are SO relieved today. We are grateful this pregnancy is in my uterus. We are grateful the bleeding didnt equal a loss. We are grateful for such incredibly strong beta numbers with just 1 baby. We are grateful my uterus still looks great. So many things to be grateful for. 

We pray this little baby is a fighter. Our miracle, take home, rainbow baby. Please keep growing…we love you so much already! 

FET #3: Beta #3

Today is a good day. We got back our results this afternoon and our beta did double since Wednesday. Thank God! 

• Monday-805 HCG, Progesterone 40
• Wednesday-2504
• Friday-5134, Progesterone 37

Yesterday & today I had some dark brown spotting (NO cramps at all thankfully).  I know brown is old blood, so I was a little bit more at ease than when I have had bright red blood in past pregnancies. I know bleeds can be totally normal in pregnancy, but with a history of recurrent pregnancy loss its hard to keep that in mind. So, of course I began to think the worst last night. I prepared as much as I could to hear that it was all over & our numbers had dropped when they called today. Its happened before. I also requested to have my progesterone drawn with my beta to make sure it wasnt below what it should be, as I know this can cause a bleed.  

I really couldnt believe it when they called & said all is progressing as it should still. The brown blood is not a sign of harm. So incredibly grateful for this. Now the 2 week wait for the heartbeat or heartbeats begins. The waits are never ending as you all know. Praying for a really uneventful 2 weeks until then!! 

On a different note, I have to share with you some of my 3rd grade students handmade animal projects because they came out delightful & really put the cherry on top of my day! So proud of them…

FET #3: Beta 1 & 2

First, before I get into the numbers, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who commented on our positive HPT result post. You all are the best! 

Monday was beta #1 and today was beta #2. We were hoping for an initial result of 100 or so on Monday, and then of course for it to double from then (as it needs to) today.  

• Beta 1-805 (10dp6dt)
• Beta 2-2,520 (12dp6dt) 
• Beta 3-Friday (14dp6dt)

In no way did we expect such high numbers, and whats more, a number that tripled in 2 days. Our numbers have never been this high, this early on. We are very grateful to God for getting us through this step in the long process ahead. We arent taking anything for granted. Not one single minute. We pray things continue to progress everyday. Our first ultrasound is scheduled in a few weeks. I am not even thinking that far out though, other than praying we get there. We are living day to day with this pregnancy and rejoicing in every milestone. 

As far as symptoms go, I have been having headaches in the evenings. My boobs are pretty swollen, not really sore. Some foods that normally sound great dont. Im 4w4d today. 

Keep us in your thoughts & prayers please! 

FET 3: Beta Eve

I debated for awhile on whether or not I would write this post right now. But then, I really got to thinking, which I will explain in more detail below, and decided I would. 

We found out a few days ago through a HPT that we are indeed pregnant. It is surreal to even type those words. Its been a long time. 7 years of trying, failed IUI’s, surgeries, 4 IVF’s, 3 miscarriages, and here we are again, pregnant. 

First, I should start off by saying that we are thrilled. I cant, and I wont deny or take away from that. We are thanking God every minute. And thats exactly why I am sharing this with all of our supporters so early on. 

The truth is, from the moment we saw those 2 pink lines show up, our lives forever changed again. We are beyond invested. We already have our hopes & dreams for this pregnancy, we share them with each other everyday. We want to celebrate every minute of this life or lives inside of me that we can. 

We know how quickly it all can change. And God forbid it does change, we want the support of those around us. That means more to us then keeping a secret. If our betas dont rise this week, or if there isnt a sac or heartbeat in a few weeks, we will need all the love and support we can get. We are trying not to think that way right now, but we know anything is possible.

We believe in the power of prayer. Please keep praying for us. We really believe this or these are our rainbow babies. We believe we will see them this winter. I have to believe because if I dont, I know thats a really dark place and I wont go there. So, we hope you can rejoice with us today in our news! Today is a good day, today we are pregnant! 

  

FET #3: 7dp6dt

Its been exactly 1 week since we transferred Itty & Bitty back to their home ((hopefully)) until this winter. At times the wait has been tough, at other times not so bad. Going back to work has helped take my mind off things a bit during the days, and at night, by the time we read, eat, shower, & meditate its time for bed. Ive been going pretty earlyyyy. 

Any possible symptoms?

Not sleeping well. Waking up about 1 am and staying up till 2 or so every night this week. Really crazy dreams too. Some quick, sharp pains in my uterus. I had a tiny bit of spotting this morning, which Im praying is a good sign. Thats all I can report in this area. Oh wait, def some moodiness lol. But that of course could be all the meds. 

Our blood test is only a few days away. If it comes back positive, we will have 2 more blood tests following it. Of course, the HCG in my sysytem needs to double each test in order for us to have a viable pregnancy. Our first IVF transfer we had dropping betas, so we know right away it wasnt going to work out. For our other 2 transfers, our betas have risen accordingly. It was only after that that we experienced loss. So as you can see, the road ahead is long, assuming it worked. 

But, we are taking things 1 day at a time, and looking at this like its our first time ever. Trying to forget the past as much as humanly possible. I really feel at peace, and am staying close in prayer to God, celebrating how far we have come. This card was in my 2 week wait set and I just loved it…

  

FET #3: In the Thick of the Wait

I guess I must have forgotten how horrendous the 2ww can be. Especially after an IVF transfer. Ugh! 

I can actually say I was happy to go back to work today after being off since Thursday last week. At least at work my mind doesnt have as much time to wonder. At this point, Im mostly just wondering if it even worked or not. I can only see 1 milestone at a time, no further. And to be honest, even at work, when busy, I still caught myself going there from time to time.  Oh well, I guess its the norm with all this right?

Symptoms? 

Ive had quite a bit of achiness and a little cramping on both sides of my uterus today. Im pretty in tune with it, and its been hard to ignore. Really thats all for today.  

Diet? 

Hubs packed all my healthy lunches for the week yesterday. I offered to do it, but he wouldnt let me. He really tried to keep me relaxed & off my feet all weekend. So cute. Anyways, Ive got several salads packed with hard boiled eggs, topped with tons of veggies, P & J sandwiches, hummus dip, beans, etc. Tonight for dinner we had parmesan zucchini crusted chicken breasts with mashed potatoes and green beans. It was delish! 

What else????

Last night I had a dream that we took an HPT and got a positive. I woke up so excited & then realized it was a dream. We really want this to work so badly! I cant even put it into words. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local home store so she could pick me up a few more pineapple placemats to go with the ones that my aunt originally bought me (she got me 4, I needed 6).  We got the placemats & I told her I wanted to make a “faith” purchase while we were there. Meaning, I wanted to buy something that shows I believe this is going to work; that we will be bringing home our baby or babies this winter. We walked towards the 1 aisle in the store that carried baby things. As soon as we turned the aisle, the first thing my eyes saw was this…

  

I almost cried. I grabbed it & told my mom it was a sign. If you dont know, our last name is Fish (yes, Fish) and Ive been feeling we will have a girl. My mom said, “well arent you going to get 2?” By the time I was done thinking about it, she had already got it. Then she reminded me how when I was younger she always told me I was going to have twin girls! I had totally forgotten. 

FET #3: 3dp6dt

For all my non-infertile followers, the lingo means 3 days past a 6 day (old embryo) transfer. Day 1 is counted as transfer day since it is an FET. So yesterday was day 2, and here we are today at day 3 already. 

In the past, I have gotten a positive pregnancy test at home as early as 6dp6dt. People have asked me numerous times if I will test at home this time. The honest answer is I have no clue. Every time I tested in the past during the 2ww, I already knew intuititively that it worked. I had a good amount of symptoms early on in the past so I wasnt that scared to test at home before beta day. For now, I am just taking things literally one hour at a time. 

Do I have any symptoms so far? 

Each day I have had some, quick, slight twinges and a sharp cramp here or there. Nothing major. I know this could be the embryo(s) trying to implant. Its really hard mentally not knowing if they have succeeded in doing so when I feel that. I can only hope so. 

Other minor “symptoms” I noted- 

1 dizzy spell per day since 1dp6dt. This has been a sign of a BFP in the past for me, but I really dont want to read too much into it. Could just be dizzy. Same goes for my extremely dry mouth in the middle of the night the past 2 nights.  Could just be thirsty. This morning, at 3dp6dt, I felt nauseous. This could easily be my nerves, as it is totally gone now. And lastly, when hubs & I had lunch today, things stunk really bad. Again, could be a coincidence, but Id like to note all that happens for my own records as I have in the past.  For the most part, I feel totally normal, which makes sense because it is so early. 

How has my diet been?

Overall, healthy. I already told you what I ate on transfer day, so I wont go there again. 

2dpt6dt-multigrain waffles, avocado & banana smoothie & pomegranate juice for breakfast, a salad topped with chicken, tomatoes, cucs, mushrooms, carrots, etc. for lunch, beef stir fry with asparagus for dinner, pineapple core & brazilian nuts for dessert. 

Today-almost exactly the same breakfast & lunch as above, but add in a hard boiled egg (thanks mom for making me these!) & some raspberry serbet from Kilwins. Dinner is yet to be served, but will be chicken, potatoes,& green beans. 

How is bedrest going?

Good! Ive just been taking it easy, but not confining myself to a bed. Ive elevated my feet often to keep my blood flowing when I am resting. I must say that I am so thankful for my hubby. He has cooked me all my meals, taken care of the dogs, & kept up with things around the house. Im also so thankful for my mom & stepdad, who came over yesterday & brought me these absolutely beautiful flowers. 

  

I have been binge watching some shows, reading, praying (a lot in the middle of the night), & meditating to my Circle + Bloom CD. Ive also been cuddling up with my dog & a blanket in my comfy Papasan chair out on the porch since the weather has been so gorge. Ive been napping quite a bit, as I have been waking up through the night more than usual. 

Today, we decided to get out for a bit & go to a luxury cinema. We had never been to one, & boy was it cool! This one had huge, reclining comfy seats, a full service bar and menu, and a wait staff.  We saw Batman v. Superman (hubbys choice not mine), I would have preferred Zootopia, but you cant have everything can you? 

   
   
How am I doing mentally? 

Okay. Some moments are really tough. I bought this lovely 2 week wait cards and yesterdays hit home. 

  

My biggest concern right now is that it didnt work. When I read the card, and it said “how would you handle if your worst fear came true?”  I decided to really think about it. My answer was “I wouldnt give up, we would try again.” It did help me handle this fear. I just need to keep reminding myself of this now. 

Its been really nice being off work. I head back Monday. Im praying for the kids to go easy on me; thankfully I am blessed with an amazing group of kids this year. I need to remind myself not to push it, there is only 1 month left until summer. Less stress, the better. 

Will update soon with more rambling…Prayers that Itty & Bitty are already snuggled, or snuggling in 👶🏻👶🏻

FET #3: Transfer Day

After waiting almost a year & a half since our last transfer, & 2 years from the first, yesterday was FINALLY the BIG day! 

Our transfer wasnt scheduled until 1 pm in the afternoon, which had both positives and negatives to it. More time to get things in order, on the other hand more time to let my mind wonder. 

We woke up around 8, took the dogs for a walk, & did my daily injection on PIO. Next, we went to the grocery store & got a couple last minute items that we hadnt got over the weekend. When we got back, I showered while he cooked us brunch. We ate eggs, chicken breast, tomatoes, & wheat muffins.

Then I showered, prayed with my mom over the phone, read devotional with hubby (which ironically for the first time ever discussed infertility) & popped in my Circle + Bloom transfer day CD. I have been listening to the sessions religiously this cycle and was super excited to put this one in!!! Praying, reading, & meditating where exactly what I needed to calm my nerves. 

At last, it was time to get ready to go! If you know me, you know I usually dont wear make-up unless Im heading out for a fancy dinner or something of the sorts. Well, I decided to do myself up yesterday. As I was putting on make-up, hubby was like, “are you putting on make-up?” Haha! I replied with, “yes, arent we getting ready to make a baby? Under normal circumstances, if we had just started trying, I would be getting prettied up for you!” We both chuckled. 

Thanks to all of the suppport we have in our life, I was decked out from head to toe in items we have been given for his cycle. I had on my pineapple headband (hubby), my pineapple earrings (bestie), baby charm bracelet (cousin), a Pandora ring (my mom), hope necklace (aunt), 4 leaf clover necklace (blogger), bad ass undies (me), and stork socks (me). I also had an angel in my pocket from one of my co-workers, along with a yellow bracelet. I felt very special & surrounded by love. 

Hubby & I decided to stop by the water before we went to the RE’s office. Its just a few minutes away, and its in a beautiful, more ritzy area. What a gorgeous day out! The sun was shining with a breeze, truly a spring day in Florida. We took some selfies, skipped rocks, and talked about the future. On our way to the car, I popped my valium. 

  
As soon as we got to the office, I could tell they might be running a little behind. They are very quick for regular appointments, but for retrievals, transfers, & the like they arent. Im not complaining; I dont want them to rush me when Im back there! Anyways, they finally took us back around 1:45.

The nurse took my blood & my vitals, then we headed back to transfer room. I got in my sheet skirt (so cute…not!) and put on my cap. Shortly after, the embryologist came in to show us our embies (now named Itty & Bitty), and tell us how they did thawing. Nervewracking part. She showed us a pic of 1 embie (our AB graded) & you could see it was clearly hatching already! She was really pleased with how it only took it an hour to do so once thawed, as compared to normally 3 hours. Here she is…

  
When I asked how the other one did, she was like “what other 1? Arent we only doing 1?” Hubs and I just stared at each other, and I cant remember who spoke up first. We informed her we are transferring 2. She acted like it wouldnt be a big deal, as she could see my stress level rising a bit. She left to go talk to my RE.

At this point, hubby got up and asked me if I wanted to pray together. I was so thankful for this. He prayed over us, as I listened, and it was just perfect. A few minutes later, my RE came back in, and apologized, saying there must have been a miscommunication between the nurse and her somewhere. She said they would de thaw it now, and hoped we wouldnt mind waiting another hour. 

When 3 pm finally rolled around, the embryologist came back in with embie number 2’s photo. He survived just fine too! Most of his hatching will take place inside of me since he wasnt out thawing as long. 

  
By now, my valium had long worn off & we were ready to get this show on the road! My RE, nurse, & medical assistant (I asked if she could stay, it was the first transfer she got to see!) all piled in the room about 3:30. They inserted the catheter, filled my bladder, & as we watched the screen, on the count of 3, we saw Itty & Bitty released back into their home!!! So cool to watch. 

During the transfer, my RE said my uterus has looked better than it ever has before. Thank you God! When it was complete, she gave us my discharge instructions, wished us well, & said she would see us soon. After that I still had to lay with my feet up for about 20 minutes, and by now it was 4 pm! The time delay was worth it though. 

We eventually got home at about 5 and had dinner. More chicken breast, salad with carrots, cucs, mushrooms, & tomatoes, followed by an avocado & banana smoothie with pineapple core & brazilian nuts for dessert. Hubs put in Pippi Longstocking for me & I watched that, smiling often! I havent seen it since I was a child & I bought it just for this occassion. 

We were both super tired by 8pm, so I listened to my Circle + Bloom CD one more time, & actually fell asleep in the process. Ill take that as a good thing! I did wake up a few times through the night to pee as usual, but the difference this time was that my mind started to race when usually its shut off during the wee hours. I felt a few cramps and of course, tried to analyze them. Soon, I fell back asleep. 

Today (2dp6dt), I have already meditated to my CD. Later, I plan to read my new book, color, watch the new series I bought, etc. Hubs is back to work, so its just me & the boys here. My mom might stop by too. 

Please keep us in your prayers while I am PUPO!! Thank you!

Down to the Wire

Transfer day is just a few days away! Hard to believe it is finally here!!! 

I got an email today telling us what time to arrive, with a few other instructions. I always request a valium before transfer so I am chilled out to the max, so the prescription for that was included in the message. The valium is also nice because as soon as I get home it causes me to take a nap so my embies can start snuggling in good!!

The email went on to confirm my request of them filling my bladder before the transfer, rather than me filling it myself. I have had this done for prior transfers and it is a Godsend for someone with a small bladder. Years ago, I went through various tests at a urologist only to eventually find that my bladder is 3x smaller than that of a normal sized bladder. Ehhh. The only way to fix this is to operate (no thanks) or take medication for it everyday for the rest of my days (no thanks again). I have learned to just deal with it on a day to day basis, but transfer day is different. 

Anyways, when my RE fills my bladder, it eliminates me from having to worry about drinking at all pre-transfer. Can we say awesome?!? Instead, they fill me up through a catheter immediately before the transfer. I dont need to hold it nearly as long this way and they control the amount needed to fill it. They drain it for me immediately following the procedure too so I can comfortably lay and rest for some time after. My RE actually likes filling it for me now, as she says they can get the images of my uterus as clear as possible!

The last thing the email addressed was being sure to eat a light meal, high in protein before we arrive. I plan to eat grilled chicken breasts. Hubs and I did some shopping this weekend and stocked up on all the healthy fruits, veggies, drinks, & snacks I need (or want) for my 2 week wait. Yum!!! We plan to get all of our meats the morning of transfer since we dont go in until the afternoon that day. 

  

I have mixed emotions as we speak about the next few weeks. I am feeling nervous yet excited, afraid but oh-so-very- hopeful. I know I have done everything humanly possible on my part, and the rest is up to Him!