Moving Forward

Today I met with our RE for the complimentary follow up visit after an IVF cycle fail. Commonly known to IVF frequenters as the WTF appt.

Even though we know there will be no more IVF in the future & have voiced it to our clinic already, there were still some things to visit. The start of the meeting was somewhat somber with my RE saying again how bummed she was that the last little one did not make it. I tried not to focus too much on it not working, instead I told her how blessed we are that it worked with Miracle. How many women out there never get even 1 baby here on Earth after numerous IVF’s. Of course we talked about the embryo’s quality, the transfer, my protocol, etc. but it was brief as I did not feel the need to search for answers on why it did not stick.

We went on to reminisce about what a miracle he really is & that day back in May 2016 when we found out I was not only pregnant with him, but also with a baby in my tube. A.k.a. my heterotopic pregnancy experience from FET3. She told me how she shares my success story with other women in her practice often to give them hope. Specifically those who have to undergo a major surgery when pregnant, that it can work out. I cried when she told me that because if there was ever any good to come out of all the loss and hurt and IVF crap other than my son, it is giving hope to someone who needs it the most. From there we somehow got into talking about this blog and supporting women in the trenches.

At one point I actually forgot I was talking to my doctor as it was more like a conversation you have with a close friend. And thats when I realized she is a friend. Im truly lucky to have found a doctor like her.

We will be doing a sperm analysis in the weeks that follow. If you have been following along for awhile, you know we are affected by Male Factor Infertility. Back in 2013, my husband underwent a Varicocele Repair. We did IVF 6 months later and that is the last time a sperm analysis was done. It has been almost 5 years now. We are curious to see what it yields. It is out of our hands now & in His.

How 1 Year Can Change So Much

This time last year we were waking up in northern Ohio, feeling the chill of the holiday and drinks wearing off from the night before. We were surrounded by close & extended family on both sides, friends, and gatherings. I had just began taking my anti-anxiety medication, and was still trying to cope with the idea that we may never have kids here on Earth, while juggling how to handle meeting all of my friends newborn babies. 

It had been over a year since our last (and 3rd) IVF cycle and loss, and we were treating my pesky, reappearing fibroid with monthly Lupron Depot injections. It seemed like a transfer was so far out from us. We had no idea what our future held. We decided to get professional photos taken while on our Ohio trip, to honor our family, & purchased a little Buckeye onesie in faith. 

It is hard to fathom this was just a year ago. As all infertiles do, I still recall the usual holiday talk with hubby of “I wonder what this time next year will be like…will we be pregnant? Have our baby finally?” 

We had those discussions many, many holidays before. I know the frustration and feel the pain. It sucks, and after awhile, you might even stop having these conversations. Its okay, keep the faith inside of you even if you dont have the strength to show it externally. 

I know not every story ends the same, but I also know you create your own happy ending to your story. If you dont feel the story is over yet, dont close the chapter out. 

We knew our story wasnt complete yet and thus, we kept going. And here we are now, 1 Thanksgiving later, 36 weeks pregnant. 9 months along…waking up in at our home in sunny, south Florida. 

What a difference 1 year makes. 

Within a month, we will be putting that onesie on our sweet baby boy. 

Thinking of everyone today, and sending lots of love. There is always so much to be grateful for no matter the obstacle(s) ahead. 

First MFM Appt & More

We had our first appointment with the high risk doc this week. For the first time in awhile, I wasnt nervous going into the appointment (thanks to my doppler). In fact, my blood pressure was actually in normal range when taken. This is unusual for me. At my RE’s office, they learned to take it at the end of my appointments, after my scans, when my anxiety was gone. This time I had it taken before our ultrasound…celebrate the small steps!

The MFM office was very different than what we are used to. The office was packed, with row like, uncomfortable seating. There were loud kids and kids toys everywhere. Complete opposite of a fertility clinic. At our RE’s office, there were nice, comfy chairs and it was quite peaceful. We also had to wait over an hour, something else we arent accustomed to either. Despite the differences, we stayed open-minded and had a good visit overall.

One thing we both really liked was the huge flatscreen hanging on the wall in the ultrasound room. We didnt have this at our old clinic, and its nice to not strain to see baby on the little computer screen attached to the machine. We also had an abdominal ultra which was reassuring that we are moving along in this pregnancy. I coulnt believe how big our boy has gotten since we saw him last! 

The ultrasound tech kept commenting on how active he was. He was kicking away, although I cant feel any of it yet.  Last time we had a scan, it was tough to make out the facial profile but we can actually see hubby’s resemblence in the pic above. Simply amazing! 

After our scan, we met with the mid-wife (next time I will see the doc) and she reviewed our history and the scan. Thankfully, all looked perfect on the scan. Even though we did the Panorama already and it was low-risk, they still did the NT test and it came back negative too. Ill be going to my OB in 2 weeks and then back to MFM 2 weeks after that. Basically, appointments every 2 wks to measure my cervix. Speaking of my cervix, it was long (just over 4 cm) and closed. Thank God! 

I am 14 weeks today (officially out of the first trimester by all pregnancy calendars out there!!) and my new concern has become my cervix shortening. I had the LEEP done back in 2004, along with lots of other surgeries that put me at a slightly higher risk of it happening, such as d & c’s. I know plenty of women who had the LEEP and have been fine, but my mind sometimes goes down the path of negativity. A late term loss seems unimaginable and devastating. I am praying with the team of doctors I have we will catch anything that could occur right away. 

In other news, we put up a new fan in the nursery this week (thanks mom!). I really loved it because it has bead board blades and we are going with a whale theme which is somewhat beachy like the bead board. 

We also got the paint for the walls. This weekend we are tearing out the carpet and small baseboards in there so we can paint it. I cant wait! It’s also hubby’s bday tomorrow so we have a busy weekend ahead of us. 

Any symptoms? 

Weight gain! I couldnt believe it when I got weighed at the doctor this week. Im okay with it, just surprised. Ive already put on close to 10 lbs lol. Headaches on and off. Moodiness here & there. Lower backaches lately. I have pretty severe scoliosis to begin with (I wore a back brace for yrs as a kid), and a herniated disc, so I knew this was likely to be a problem during pregnancy. Hubby has been massaging me, and I have been icing it as needed. I still havent taken a hot bath or shower, which is what I miss more than anything right now. 

I ordered a few onesies off etsy and I must share them with you…

You cannot find things like this in stores so its well worth it. We also became FB official with our pregnancy this past week. A happy, but scary move for us. 

The pic included our due date, a shout out to our clinic, and one of our fav bible verses, 1 Samuel 1:27. 

When discussing my symptoms, I failed to mention my pregnancy brain as of lately (gee imagine that!). It has been bad, luckily Im not working right now bc I have been forgetting everything. That being said, I think there was more I wanted to say here, but it has slipped my mind.

Believing

I havent felt like blogging much lately. Its hard to explain, but I know a few other ladies who went through this phase once they fell pregnant again after losses and/or treatments. Still, I am always thinking of you ladies…no matter where you are in this process. 

I have been spending most of my time praying this pregnancy is going to stick. To help myself believe this, I have been keeping busy and doing things I never thought Id do should we be pregnant again. For instance, I have been buying baby clothes and things for the nursery. I have been wearing maternity clothes and taking weekly photos. We have been discussing names for our baby.  All of these things are helping me believe.  

We cleaned out our office last week. Regardless of expecting, it needed it badly. 

The room is now empty, except for the baby stuff we have. A lot of it has been purchased over the years, or sent by friends, family or followers. Sometimes I just go in the room early in the morning and sit and stare at it all. Its hard for me to believe it. 

We decided to go with a whale theme for the nursery. We plan to paint the walls grey, with white crown molding and baseboards, and either a navy or grey carpet.  We have looked at a few cribs, and are not sure if we want white or grey yet, thankfully we have plenty of time to decide. 

I am 13 weeks tomorrow and the first trimester has seemed like eternity. I dont have symptoms anymore, so I thank God for my doppler. I listen to miracle baby boy every morning.  His heartrate is usually anywhere from 125-150.  This is also the first week I have not had a doctor appointment since I became pregnant. Next week we see our MFM or high risk OB for the first time. They will do a consult and an ultra. I cant wait to see how much he has grown. 

Speaking of growing, some days I feel bigger than others. This initially freaked me out, but after talking to some others I realized its normal at this point in the pregnancy (bloat v. bump), especially being our first pregnancy to get this far.   My wonderful friend from up north sent me all of her maternity clothes this week. I cant even say how blessed I feel about this! I finally have things to wear that fit and it saved us a ton of money. 

In addition to all of these things I have been doing to believe, my mom and I also found a venue to book my baby shower at. We have set the date for October 9th. Ill be about 29 weeks then. Its a very beautiful location.

So that is about all that is happening here…trying to stay positive and enjoy my summer off. Before I know it, Ill be heading back to school in the fall. 

Graduation Day

A bittersweet day. More sweet than bitter of course, saying good-bye to my RE’s office that is. Since 2013, this has been what we have been working towards after all.  

Its been a rough week leading up to todays appointment. A few days ago, I realized that my nausea and gas had tapered off. Of course this made me a nervous wreck. I also noticed I wasnt as thirsty in the middle of the night as I have been and no dizzy spells. Even though my boobs were still passing hubby’s daily test, I had bitten every nail and cried at least 3 times in 3 days. Poor hubby. He even surprised me with a sweet Pandora baby carriage charm to try and cheer me up. It was beautiful and I was so grateful, but still it didnt take the anxiety of a loss away. Pregnancy after loss is brutal. I cant and I wont sugarcoat it. 

In fact, the only thing keeping me somewhat sane was my insatiable hunger. I must eat every few hours or Im a mess. I wont even begin to tell you some of the guilty pleasures I have given into, because I know its the least of my concerns right now. Eating is about the only relief currently for me. Anyways, my RE reminded me via email that around 10 weeks majority of symptoms start to wane. For most, this might be a nice relief, but not for someone who has experienced a missed miscarriage before. 

As I drove to my appointment today, I thought of every drive I have made to the clinic over the years. The feelings of joy, fear, anger, disappointment, loss, doubt, love, hope, excitement…all overcame me. When I checked in, I sat down and stared down at my tiny bump now starting to show. What if I lose it again after all this?All of it seemed overwhelming. I tried to remember the prayers hubby and I said earlier, and the verses we read. Even though it was tough, I knew God was with me. 

It didnt take long for Miracle to appear on the screen. Our baby is doing so great. Look at those little legs! Just from last week the progress is simply amazing. I felt so thankful seeing the life that has been entrusted to me from above thriving.  

I had a bit of a hard time saying bye to my doc. We hugged and talked, I reassured her I would stop in, she told me not to hesitate to get in touch with her and that she is still here for us. We do have 1 embryo left in her care so I tried to remind myself that today is more of “see you later” than “good-bye”
1 week from today we have our 12 week doppler with our OB. Im officially off bed rest, but plan to take it easy still. I did order the doppler as of last night, and it should be here by next week. I figure this will help me get through the weeks Im not getting scanned. Im quite used to seeing baby every week, but at least we will still get to hear baby with this. 

We are anxiously awaiting the gender results. Its been 1 week since the test, and it can take up to 2. I was so set it was a girl initially, but now Im leaning towards a boy. Hubby says girl, mom says boy, and doctor says boy….most of my friends say girl…so who knows! The Old Wives Tales are tied! What is your guess???

In other news, I have many blessings to report. For starters, our cleaning lady is working out great. It really has been a weight off our shoulders right now. We plan to continue this throughout the duration of my pregnancy.  Second, Im happy to report that I am done taking my Del Estrogen injections. One medication down! Third, my dear friend from out of state has put together a package that she is mailing to me this week. The package includes all of her maternity clothes, a sling, baby monitor, etc. How blessed am I to receive this! Next, all of the days I took under FMLA unpaid were covered by my amazing co-workers, meaning they donated me their sick days so I could get paid. I am speechless for this and so happy I work at a school with people that are more like a family than anything else.  

All this being said, despite the anxiety, I am starting to believe this may really be our take home baby. It feels like a lot of things have fallen into place and for that I thank God. Everyday I get to carry this life I am so incredibly honored. 

Double Digits

Well, we made it. 10 weeks tomorrow! The farthest we have come without bad news. Today was another ultrasound of baby, and it was perfect.

Baby measured on track and the heartbeat was still around 175 bpm! Its amazing to see the progress every week. Miracle has grown so much. 

As my RE scanned me, we were all chatting, and everytime I would laugh, miracle would wiggle around more. It was awesome! Next week will be my last scan with my RE and then I will be graduated to solely my OB’s office. I will miss them all so much. 

We got the Panorama blood test done & will have the results back in about 10-14 days. I asked them to not tell me the gender when they call, instead I will pick it up in an envelope. Then hubby & I will do something special and reveal together!  So excited, however I am nervous about the genetics piece of the test, but we have already decided that no matter what we will love this baby to the moon and back.  

Symptoms? 

Hunger! Hunger! And more hunger! I think I am actually starting to show a bit. Probably due to how much I have been eating. I mostly crave spicy and salty stuff, but every so often sweets hit the spot too. Some burping here & there. Peeing quite often, swollen boobs, & gas. Tired and thirsty. Seems like nothing satisifies my thirst. I am not complaining about any of these, in fact I love every single symptom and hate when they are not around. Praying for another week down in the books!!! 

A Good Day

The title pretty much says it all. Our 9 week check up was today. As usual, I did not want to go, and had prepared myself the best I could for bad news. My symptoms have been coming & going and that scared me due to our previous missed miscarriage around this time. 

But God is good! Miracle is still going strong, with a heartrate of 174bpm now. Baby was upside down & wiggling all around, so amazing to watch. After my RE checked babys measurements and such, she checked my cervix length, and the SCH. The subchorionic that had tripled in size last week was gone. Gone. Thank you God. She was amazed and thrilled at the same time. Then she asked if we could look at baby again just to look, adding in how we have been through so much and its just nice to watch it. Of course I said YES!!! She pointed out the head, arms, stomach, feet, and umbilical cord. We listened to the heartbeat again and got more pics. I couldnt have asked for more today.

My RE does want me to continue bedrest for 1 more week to be safe, along with triple progesterone therapy since it has seemed to help the SCH. Im actually going to be on progesterone until July, when I am about 16 weeks along. We will wean slowly off each of the 3, starting in June. Again, just to be safe. Im totally fine with it, although I have started to lose feeling in my tailbone/upper butt region from all the injections. 

And although we have a long ways to go, we celebrate today. And we continue to pray for our rainbow baby. Thank you to everyone who is praying for us everyday, please keep doing so. 

To Doppler or Not?

Okay ladies! I would like to get your thoughts on purchasing a doppler in a few weeks. Its still too early now for me (Im 8w1d), but I am thinking ahead a bit.

I know some of you absolutely love them for peace of mind, but then I have read about how some of you have worried even more with one because you cant find a heartbeat. 

Here are my questions for those of you who have used at home dopplers-

• How far along were you when you were able to consistently locate the heartbeat? I really dont want to use one before that time frame and increase my anxiety by not hearing a heartbeat. 
• What doppler brand did you use and recommend? 
• Are there instructions on how to use these dopplers? If not, share your secrets on how please. 

Of course, tell me anything else I should know about this topic. Im currently very torn on getting one or not! Thank you in advance. 

Recovery

I am still in a lot of shock about what has happened. However, I think I am recovering pretty well. Thank you to everyone who has reached out, and I havent had the chance to reply to yet. 

Today is the first day I can shower since the operation, which is good news. We were able to change the bandages yesterday and ice the wounds which felt nice. Mom & hubby have been caring for me around the clock. Sleeping has been tough because I cant really move much. Its getting a little better each day though. Lets just say the ass shots havent been the easiest either, its like just stab me & get it over with because I cant roll over or lay on my stomach. 

Yesterday I got to the kitchen table on my own and ate lunch there which is progress (I had only been eating in bed).  Im also getting up and down on my own to pee now. Speaking of peeing, after surgery I couldnt pee easily at all. I had to run the water for a few minutes before it would come. Its now coming on its own! No blood or cramping, thank God.

My RE called to check on me yesterday. I told her the pain is localized to the stomach where Im cut. She thought it was excellent news that I wasnt having any cramping in my uterus as far as miracle baby goes. We will see for sure tomorrow. Such a big day. 

It is starting to sink in more mentally that we lost another pregnancy. Whether in the tube or not. She did tell me there was no heartbeat in that baby. It still hurts though. A loss is a loss. Im sure Ill be sorting through these feelings for awhile to come. Im praying that after this loss and the loss of my tube, that our miracle stays with us. Another loss would be just devastating. 

1 in 10,000

Well, yesterday was quite a day to say the least. As we all know by now, I had been spotting/bleeding/whatever you want to call it, for about 10 days. My betas all came back normal-805 at 10dpt6dt, 2500 at 12dpt6dt, 5100 at 14dpt6dt, and 23,000 at 19dpt6dt.  My progesterone levels always looked great at > 30.  We saw a gestational sac, yolk sac, & fetal pole at 5w3d. We also saw no evidence of a SCH, or any other reason for the blood. 

That brings us to Sunday night. Around 10 pm, I started experiencing sharp, stabbing pains on my left side. I got up and headed to the bathroom, sure I was losing our baby. I almost threw up on the way to the bathroom, and I literally saw stars and felt the room spinning. I wasnt bleeding heavily, so I tried to chalk it up and decided to deal with it in the morning. 

I barely slept because of the pain, and when morning came, I felt as if I had 200 pounds sitting on top of me. I couldnt even take a deep breath. My RE said to come in right away. My mom drove me down, and I was prepared once again to hear the worst. But to our lovely surprise, there was baby, with its little heart beating away, at just over 115 bpm. I couldnt believe my eyes or ears, I just thanked the Lord over & over.  

Shortly after the amazing news, the  investigation began. My RE wanted to search around a little and see if she could find where the source of the bleeding/pain was coming from. I knew something was wrong because her & the nurse kept looking, pointing, and talking, and the scan was taking much longer than it ever does (about 10 minutes).  

Finally, she told me the news. The other embryo we had transferred had implanted in my left tube. I had a heterotopic (uterine & tubal) pregnancy, a 1 in 10,000 occurrence. I sat in shock and disbelief as she showed us the screen.  Was this really happening???

She could see blood in my stomach, all the way up to my rib cage under my liver. It had ruptured and I was bleeding internally, hence the horrific pain and bleeding. She started talking crazy about maternal death, and saving my life, and by then, I was just zoning in and out.  She said I needed to go to the ER immediately for her to operate. I was losing my left tube, and another baby. 

At this point, there was no other option. My focus shifted solely to whether or not our other baby in utero would make it. There was a 5-10% chance it wouldnt survive the surgery. Its all I could think about, even though I was technically dying myself. We rushed over to the ER, and they started all the business. EKG, bloodwork, another ultrasound, paperwork of history, etc. 

They went over receiving a blood transfusion with me, should I need one. We discussed the safest anesthesia I could get pregnant. My husband and my mom prayed with me and I was wheeled off. Did I forget to mention it was to the same room I had my D & C from our last baby?? I was out pretty quick thankfully. 

The surgery lasted a good hour and a half. My RE went in through my stomach laprascopically, and made 3 incisions. She did have to remove my left tube entirely. They also removed 150 cc of blood from inside my stomach and other locations, saving my life. 

When I woke up, I heard the best news…baby in utero still had a strong heartbeat after the surgery!!  Thank you, Jesus! My RE informed us that the 48 hours following surgery would play a significant role in baby making it or not. We go back Thursday to see. 

I am surviving now. The pain is pretty intense, but its localized to the stomach area where I was cut. Peeing and moving are the worst. I have already stopped bleeding and have no pains or uterus cramps. I was so scared I would wake up with them from the surgery but I didnt. My RE said she never went near my uterus. Another miracle. 

I am taking vicodin only as needed, and I must be out of work for a week or so on bedrest.  Im really still in shock, but incredibly grateful for listening to my body, having a wonderful medical staff, & a fighting baby still inside of me.  

Our due date is set for 12-25-16. A Christmas miracle. Praying every minute  we make it.