Who Am I?

For so many years I was the “infertile” one. The one who desperately yearned for a baby. The one who repeatedly underwent procedure after procedure to finally get pregnant, only to then lose the long awaited for pregnancy. The one who everyone eagerly waited for updates from to see if I was indeed expecting, or “still” expecting. Then, one day, the stars aligned, everything fell into place, and I had my baby. My miracle.

We went through the newborn sleep deprived phase, followed by all the milestones and first holidays. Infertility was not given much thought as life seemed to naturally be a blur at times. Next came the “do we want another”? baby phase, and subsequent fertility treatments. And just like that, I was once again the “infertile” one, the one everyone kept in their prayers and watched for updates from. I was right back where I had been for so long before, it almost felt as if my normal life returned and I had just been on a vacation from infertile me.

When our last ditch effort for a sibling failed, it would only seem suiting then that I seriously began to ponder, “Who am I”? or rather “Who will I be now that I am not trying to have a baby anymore”?

I have spent the last month or so trying to find out. Find the person I was wayyy long ago, before infertility and loss started robbing me of so much of “me.” I have my rainbow, and now I am on the journey to finding me again. Wish me luck.

Is He Your “Only” One?

As she watched her 3 kids tumble around the playground and chatted with me about her growing baby bump, I could sense it was coming. I started to feel a strange anxiety building up to it.

How would I answer this question once she finally spit it out? Should I tell this stranger making small chat with me the struggle leading up to him being my “only” child? Should I say “yes…here on Earth” and leave it at that, making the woman feel sadly awkward for asking what seems like a normal question? Or how about a simple “yes” or simple “no” depending on how technical we want to get here? The possibilities were endless and they were playing out over and over again.

The question was inevitable. And so it came. Is he your “only” one? Can I just say how I hate the emphasis on only here. Like it was no feat to have him. Maybe if I had three it would have been a greater accomplishment without the word only attached to it?

Of course I know I am being unreasonable thinking any harm was meant by asking a common question, but I cant help the fact that it urked me. And although I am quite verbal about my story and the struggles to get my Miracle, my answer that day on the playground was “yes, he is.”

Meds

After our FET that just failed, we have been stuck with over a thousand dollars worth of unused meds. It makes me sick to see them so I have stashed them away in my closet for the time being. Throwing them in the trash also makes me somewhat sick considering they were so darn expensive. Yes, I know I could donate them, and as a last resort I am sure I will, but I would like to somehow justify the costs in my mind after spending a small fortune on assisted reproduction the past 6 years, all of which was not covered by insurance at all. Even recouping a small amount for them would be satisfying.

I have 4 boxes of unopened Crinone (quite possibly the most expensive drug on the planet) that do not expire for several years. I also have unopened Progesterone in Oil, DelEstrogen, & Estrace. If a fellow blogger out there needs any of these expensive IVF meds, I would be willing to discount them significantly. Feel free to comment or email me at angvfish@icloud.com

Moving Forward

Today I met with our RE for the complimentary follow up visit after an IVF cycle fail. Commonly known to IVF frequenters as the WTF appt.

Even though we know there will be no more IVF in the future & have voiced it to our clinic already, there were still some things to visit. The start of the meeting was somewhat somber with my RE saying again how bummed she was that the last little one did not make it. I tried not to focus too much on it not working, instead I told her how blessed we are that it worked with Miracle. How many women out there never get even 1 baby here on Earth after numerous IVF’s. Of course we talked about the embryo’s quality, the transfer, my protocol, etc. but it was brief as I did not feel the need to search for answers on why it did not stick.

We went on to reminisce about what a miracle he really is & that day back in May 2016 when we found out I was not only pregnant with him, but also with a baby in my tube. A.k.a. my heterotopic pregnancy experience from FET3. She told me how she shares my success story with other women in her practice often to give them hope. Specifically those who have to undergo a major surgery when pregnant, that it can work out. I cried when she told me that because if there was ever any good to come out of all the loss and hurt and IVF crap other than my son, it is giving hope to someone who needs it the most. From there we somehow got into talking about this blog and supporting women in the trenches.

At one point I actually forgot I was talking to my doctor as it was more like a conversation you have with a close friend. And thats when I realized she is a friend. Im truly lucky to have found a doctor like her.

We will be doing a sperm analysis in the weeks that follow. If you have been following along for awhile, you know we are affected by Male Factor Infertility. Back in 2013, my husband underwent a Varicocele Repair. We did IVF 6 months later and that is the last time a sperm analysis was done. It has been almost 5 years now. We are curious to see what it yields. It is out of our hands now & in His.

And Then There Was None

Miracle will be 2 yrs old soon. Hard to believe it. I mean how cliche is it to say time flies, but boy is it so true. The past year or so I have found myself struggling through stages of infancy and toddlerhood only to blink and see a new stage upon me and miss the old stage like crazy.

Back in early 2014, we had 18 eggs retrieved via IVF with ICSI, 8 of which made it to day 6 blasts. 7 were put on ice and 1 transferred back fresh at that time. 5 transfers total, 6 embryos miscarried, 1 miracle baby boy & 1 embryo that never implanted.

Our last embryo was transferred back to us early this month. We had high hopes that it would complete our family and bring Miracle a sibling. The cycle failed. I sort of knew going into it that it would not work. That sounds awful, and so much for the power of positive thinking. I blame myself sometimes for my ‘mindset’, that maybe if I had been more positive it would have worked. If I would have taken it a little easier after the transfer. If, if, if.

And of course I blame my body. The actual transfer itself was a nightmare. The catheter would not go in correctly which was never an issue in our prior 4 transfers. I guess since I dilated the full 10cm during labor with Isaac things changed down there. Who knows. Finally it worked but the cramping was not ideal. I wasnt exactly relaxed.

And then there was the quality of the embryo itself. 30% of it did not survive the thaw. The inner cell mass was still in tact as it was the trophectoderm (aka future placenta) that died off. We were told that successful pregnancies have occurred with even 50% not making it and to stay positive. Sigh. It was just another sign in my mind that things wouldnt work.

But the truth is none of this even matters because in reality if it was meant to be it would have been right? So now we pick up the pieces and try to move on from life after IVF. There will be no more IVF for us. It has taken up too much of our lives for too many years and I dont want it anymore. This cycle brought back so many ugly feelings that I remembered all too well once they surfaced. And I dont want those feelings anymore.

2 Years Ago

A few days ago, Word Press reminded me that I started this blog 2 years ago this March. 

2 years ago at this time I was on a medical leave from my position teaching Fourth Grade. I had just had my 3rd IVF miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant. I was beyond devastated. I chopped off my hair and got 2 tattoos within weeks. I wanted to morph into a different person but I soon realized that wasn’t possible. 

So during my medical leave, I decided I had to find other ways to cope other than taking scissors to my hair or ink to my body.  With the encouragement of close friends & family, I started this blog as an outlet. Up until that time (March 2015), we were quiet about our infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss struggles. Only those closest to us knew we had been trying to conceive for close to 7 yrs, had underwent both his & her surgeries, failed IUIs, IVF cycles, and miscarried 6 embryos with 2 still frozen. 

It felt SO amazing to come out of what I like to call the “infertility closet.” I decided from the start not to make my blog anonymous, to even link it to my FB page. I wanted the world to know that I was not a mean bitch when I didnt come to your baby shower, or your kid’s 1st birthday…or when I walked away as you gleefully told everyone what gender you were expecting. I wanted them to know that I had just learned we lost another baby, a healthy baby boy with no explanation. That I just had a D & C for the fourth time. That we had just thrown another 10,000 down the drain. That I wasnt being lazy when I called into work sick yet again. I wanted to be understood finally!

And I was. In fact, I had more than one person tell me that they had misjudged me before they knew our story.  To think if I had never started sharing they would have never knew the real me, well I cant even imagine that now. 

To some, I might share too much, but I have found being an open (and honest) book is what works. To ME, it is far better than leading a life no one knows exists.  That said, I found it pretty cool to see how much this blog has been a part of my life…

You can see that when at the lowest point in our journey (March 2015-June 2015), I was sometimes blogging multiple times a day. Sure, things have changed now, but I am still proud to say I havent missed a month. I guess you could say blogging is sort of therapy for me. 

Here’s to another 2 years Word Press! 

Being a Stay at Home Mom

So today I officially resigned from my position teaching 3rd grade. I am technically on a medical leave until May 1st, however I figured if I have no intentions of returning then I might as well resign now. Let my administrator find someone sooner than later to replace me permanently.  Im no longer receiving pay or benefits of any sort, so its not like I would be missing out in that department. 

Side note-I just posted about breastfeeding, and now I am posting about being a stay at home mom. Both hot topics amongst mothers I am quickly finding out. Insert sigh here. It would be nice if more moms supported each other instead of judging each other if you ask me but that is a whole other post-

Anyways, back to today…I decided to take LO with me up to my school to resign, might make things a little easier hey? Plus, I know all of my co-workers who have supported me on this journey really wanted to see him. Initially I was a little hesitant to take him to such a germ infested place, but then again I made a point to keep him away from any students and I took hand sanitizer with me to lather him up should anyone touch his hands without cleaning theirs first. He also kept his paci in his mouth so his hands could not go in it. 

It was great to see everyone & it made me feel human to get out of the house dressed and ready (not in a milk stained tank top with unbrushed teeth, just sayin).  This is one of my fears staying home, that I will miss the adult social time. Im sure I will, but after weighing out the pros and cons of it all, I am positive there is no place I would rather be than home with him his first few years. Thankfully my administrator was very supportive, and we left it hoping our paths cross again some day.  

Speaking of some day, I do eventually plan to go back to teaching. It is the perfect career to have once my little one is in school. I have always had a passion for it & am blessed to have made connections along the way that will hopefully help me back into the field down the road. As for now, I feel extremely grateful to my husband that I have the opportunity to stay home with our son. He is such an amazing husband and father who would do anything to provide for us. If you are reading this, I love you! 

While staying at home, I will continue teaching college courses online. My first one picks back up next month. I am not sure how ready I am for this, but will make it work. I want to contribute something, and every little bit helps. 

This morning when I pulled up my Timehop, I saw this image from exactly one year ago today-

Crazy how things change in a year. I deeply questioned then if I would ever be a mother here on Earth. Now my son is here in my arms as I type this. And who knows, this time next year we might be sitting here with our LAST little frostie in our arms as a family of 4 (well, 6 if you count the furbabies). Since I am staying home, we have decided that is part of the future plan. My RE wants us to wait until at least December 2017 to do the FET. We figure we will aim for a January or February transfer if all goes well. Hubby and I do not really see the sense in spacing out the FET much further than that. In all honesty, we are ready to completely close the “IVF” chapter of our lives out. We have spent about 5 years on it (that does not include TTC on our own).  If that little embryo is meant to come home with us, we will be thrilled. If it isnt, we will be beyond content with the miracle we have been given right here in front of us. We will not be doing another IVF cycle should that one fail. 

In the meantime, I have every intention of enjoying every moment here at home with my little rainbow 🌈💙

Rookie Mom Musings

Its hard to imagine my life now without our little IVF miracle in it. I am so grateful everyday that he is finally here. Sometimes I still dont believe it, sometimes I get scared and think about losing him (thanks to our past losses). 

Overall, things are going very well. Baby boy is almost a month old now. Boy, how time flies. Everyday is a learning experience, below are some things that have been happening so far-

• Isaac has gained a pound since he was born! He is now 8 lbs, 11 oz. This is great news. Between the breastfeeding, pumping, & formula, I was not sure if he was gaining enough. Turns out he is right on track. 
• Gripe Water and Mylicon are very helpful for infant gas. They have done wonders for our son in this department. 
• The “witching hours” are a real thing. They happen nightly from about 7pm until midnight or so. 
• I plan to start baby wearing in the next week if possible, probably after my post partum appt. and finding out all looks good with my c-section incision. He is at the stage now where he constantly wants to be held. We have both a Solly and an Ergo 360 to try out. 
• The Moro Reflex that babies do is so cute. I am noticing he does it less and less as he gets older. Can we slow down time just a little bit?
• Isaac likes both car and stroller rides so far, he just sleeps the whole time. Thank God! 
• I have broken some of the after c-section recovery rules…for instance, I have been bathing since week 3 and was told not to until week 6. It is my saving grace after a long day. 
• Baby boy has many nicknames-little burrito, stinkarooskie, and buddy to name a few. 
• Newborn photography is NOT cheap. We met with our photographer and got to see all the photos she took, and I really have no clue how we will choose which package to purchase. We need to decide if we want to buy an album, digital files, or individual prints. As of now, I am pretty sure we are going with an album that includes about 25 photos (shown below) and a 17×26 canvas to hang in our formal dining room. My mom plans to purchase a couple digital files so we can always access them down the road. I really want to buy digital files as well, but financially its not feasible. 

• Baby acne is not cute. Enough said here.
• After getting the OK from our pediatrician, I had my first beer yesterday in about 11 months! It was greaaaaat.
• My Blanqui post partum leggings are a lifesaver. They literally are all I have worn out of the house since giving birth. I also have a pair of Lula Roe’s, which I like for comfort, but the Blanqui’s def hold in the flab better. 
• Just like our dogs have different barks, Isaac has different cries. We are starting to recognize which is which-hunger cry, tired cry, hold me cry, change me cry, etc. 
• Isaac has a obvious tongue tie and lip tie which are affecting our feedings. I will post more about this soon as I am still processing it all myself. 

How 1 Year Can Change So Much

This time last year we were waking up in northern Ohio, feeling the chill of the holiday and drinks wearing off from the night before. We were surrounded by close & extended family on both sides, friends, and gatherings. I had just began taking my anti-anxiety medication, and was still trying to cope with the idea that we may never have kids here on Earth, while juggling how to handle meeting all of my friends newborn babies. 

It had been over a year since our last (and 3rd) IVF cycle and loss, and we were treating my pesky, reappearing fibroid with monthly Lupron Depot injections. It seemed like a transfer was so far out from us. We had no idea what our future held. We decided to get professional photos taken while on our Ohio trip, to honor our family, & purchased a little Buckeye onesie in faith. 

It is hard to fathom this was just a year ago. As all infertiles do, I still recall the usual holiday talk with hubby of “I wonder what this time next year will be like…will we be pregnant? Have our baby finally?” 

We had those discussions many, many holidays before. I know the frustration and feel the pain. It sucks, and after awhile, you might even stop having these conversations. Its okay, keep the faith inside of you even if you dont have the strength to show it externally. 

I know not every story ends the same, but I also know you create your own happy ending to your story. If you dont feel the story is over yet, dont close the chapter out. 

We knew our story wasnt complete yet and thus, we kept going. And here we are now, 1 Thanksgiving later, 36 weeks pregnant. 9 months along…waking up in at our home in sunny, south Florida. 

What a difference 1 year makes. 

Within a month, we will be putting that onesie on our sweet baby boy. 

Thinking of everyone today, and sending lots of love. There is always so much to be grateful for no matter the obstacle(s) ahead. 

Hello 3rd Trimester

Its hard to believe both October & the 3rd trimester are upon us! Less than 12 weeks to go now.

I had my 1 hour glucose test this morning. I actually did a 2 hr test back when we were trying to figure out the cause of my recurrent pregnancy loss, so I was prepared for how yucky it is. This time I didnt get a flavor choice (boo!) and got stuck with orange. I did lemon lime the first time and it was much better! The orange burned as I was chugging it down and gave me a slight headache accompained by minor nausea. 

The nurse drew my blood for this and also did a CBC, my results should be in within the week. The midwife measured my fundal height which was between 28-29 weeks, and I am 28 weeks + 3 days so that was all good. She also did the doppler and his heartbeat was as usual. We chatted about movement, which I have noticed just in the past week has picked up a lot. I dont find myself needing to count like I was because its pretty consistent throughout the days now. I am happy about this bc counting sort of drives me mad! 

We also discussed vaginal v. c-section birth. I explained my fears both ways, and told her I just want to do whatever is safest for my baby. She listened and offered some personal stories in regards to my concerns. Long story short, she told me to prep for a vaginal birth as long as he isnt breech, or too large.  Our first labor class starts tomorrow and I am anxious for it. They told us to bring a yoga mat and 2 pillows…hopefully we will gain some valuable knowledge from these sessions! 

In other news…all good things must come to an end. Let me explain. We had our fresh IVF cycle back in March 2014, in which 7 out of our 8 embryos were frozen at that time. Since that time, we have had 4 total transfers (1 fresh + 3 frozen). Thankfully all of our embies have been kept free of charge at our RE’s office. We havent paid storage on any of our frosties, which has been wonderful as storage fees can get pretty pricey. Well, as I said, all good things must come to an end! We got a call this week from the storage company informing us that we need to update our forms on file as they will be picking up our one & only embryo at our RE’s office. I must say I was a bit sad, I loved our embryo being right where I know it is, safe & sound. However, I realize this is protocol and we got away with it for over 2 years now. Time to cough up more cash…nothing new in the world of IVF. 

As Im sure many of you know, the embryo storage forms make you think of morbid things like death of one partner, death of both partners, divorce, etc. In the middle of filling out the forms, I burst into tears. Thanks pregnancy hormones! I told hubby in the case I should die, I want him to have ownership of our embryo. I suggested that should he ever marry again, he could (have the option to) transfer our embryo into his new wife. He looked at me in disbelief, and thats when I lost it. This may sound odd to some, but its how I feel. We also agreed on the same should he pass before we transfer again. And if we both die, we elected to donate our child. Sounds really weird typing that. We couldnt come to terms with disposal, and we didnt want to transfer ownership to anyone and have that on their shoulders either. We will pay storage quarterly, and then revisit transferring Uno December of next year. 

My OB appts are now every 2 weeks, not sure of the MFM frequency as of yet. I see them this week for a growth scan, and I want to bring up a few things like NSTs and biophysical profiles. I dont want to fall to the wayside because things have continued to look good. I want to make sure we stay on top of things, especially monitoring later on as this can help prevent stillbirth. 

My baby shower is this weekend!!! How insane. I am super excited about it, but also anxious at the same time. I cried yesterday to hubby about it, and he reassured me that I deserve this shower. My aunt is flying in today, and then others follow throughout the week. I feel like I have so much to do still (thank God for cleaning ladies) before the shower…stop by the flower shop, finalize games, get my wedding ring cleaned, eyebrows waxed, nails done, etc. Im sure it will all come together though. Will post an update of it all soon!