What To Do When…

Your fertility sonographer for the past 2 years is pregnant and you’re not. 

Since this blog is about being real, let me be real and tell you that I wasnt even sure if I wanted to publish this post, because I know some people may misunderstand it and give me flack. I dont really expect those who havent been in my shoes to get it, but I decided this blog isnt about them anyways, so I decided to share it.  

I went in for a scan today to check on the random bleeding thats been happening on the Lupron Depot (results to follow in another post).  As I lay on the table waiting for my nurse to come in, I had a premonition—she was pregnant.  She already has 2 children she conceived easily without assistance. 

Dont ask me why this *all of a sudden* came over me. But it did and I was like “OMG, she is going to walk in here with a big, old bump !”  Well, lo and behold, a few minutes later, she opened that door, and you already know what my eyes were immediately drawn to.

She quickly turned off the lights when she came in, almost like she didnt want me to really have the time to see it. The bump.  Too late, little did she know that I already knew she was pregnant before she even came in.  She sat down next to me right away and started asking me how Id been (I hadnt seen this particular nurse in many months) as she began the scan.  I nonchalantly asked her how she had been; she didnt mention her current state and neither did I. Weird

Keep in mind this is the nurse who told us that there was no longer a heart beating in baby Isaiah and I really do love her. She has been there for me on many levels for many years, through good and bad.  That has nothing to do with any of this though. 

As she scanned me, I started to rewind and then fast forward in my mind, imagining hearing those awful words I heard her say before with that massive bump in my face and her moving that wand around in my you-know-what. Ugh. 

When I got home from the appt, I told hubby straight away. He just looked at me and said “seriously?” Its possible that only fellow infertiles will understand the way he said this…S-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. Yes, s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. 

We began discussing how awkward it has to be for her doing her job everyday. I could totally tell she was feeling weird around me. Im quite sure she feels like that around others there too. And honestly, I feel kind of bad for her, because what is she to do, quit her freaking job? Of course not. Hubby suggested maybe fertility clinics only hiring those done reproducing or those who have no interest in it. Im pretty sure that would be discrimination lol. 

Anyways, heres the thing…Im actually in a pretty good spot with my mental (fertility) state right now. Ive been a lot worse off for sure. Had I seen her at a certain point in our journey (aka miscarrying) before I might have lost it. I know for a fact that theres some women at the clinic who might not be in a good place and could easily lose it dealing with that bump on a daily basis. No doubt. I should note that there is 1 other sonographer there that is not pregnant (Ive never had her before). I guess I could always go that route if things go left in our future cycle and I cant handle the bump being so up close and personal. 

Its time, I must ask, have any of you ladies had your nurse/sonographer pregnant during an IVF cycle? Miscarriage? How did you deal? Perhaps I just need some time to accept, and actually acknowledge the pregnancy with her. Today, that didnt happen. 

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30 thoughts on “What To Do When…

  1. My embryologist was pregnant during my last failed transfer and that just killed me. She ended up leaving, for other reasons, but now we have a 60 year old male embryologist and I couldn’t be happier. It was rough having to talk with and look at someone who was pregnant during those tough times, so I can totally understand. And to those that don’t understand, if they haven’t been there or been where we have been….they never will. Something good has got to come out of this, I tell you, it just has to…thinking of you! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Its crazy u bring this up–our embryologist was pregnant for 2 of our transfers. Thankfully I only had to see her on transfer days, if I had to deal with her through the thick of it I couldnt have. So sorry u had to go through that. Thanks for the positivity, Im really hoping something great happens for us both this year 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A nurse at one of my clinics became pregnant and was suddenly relegated to the office (whether it’s the clinic’s protocol or she requested it, I don’t know).

    When I had my miscarriage I had to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital and my nurse/midwife (not sure of her role) was heavily pregnant. She looked awkward being in front of me (she deals solely with women who are miscarrying). At the time I remember thinking I pitied her being in such a role and being pregnant, but I also wondered whether the hospital could have moved her to another department or role temporarily. I feel I handled my miscarriage pretty well but I’m sure some would be in a bad enough position to begin with, let alone having it managed by someone who was so much luckier.

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  3. I never had that happen to me and I am beyond thankful that it never did! Seriously, I don’t know how I would have handled it. I do like your idea about maybe using the other person next time, but I don’t think it should be on you to ask the department should know better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hubby and I were just talking about using the other nurse. Im pretty sure thats the route we are going to go. I just cant subject myself to unnecessary hurt anymore, especially at the place where I am supposed to not feel uncomfortable at during my cycle. Thanks for getting it!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The phlebotomist who took blood DIRECTLY AFTER being told that there was no sac on the sono this past summer was like 9 months pregnant. I must’ve been in a state of shock because I kept asking her when she was due and how much leave she got. As if it was a normal conversation on a normal day. I guess I’d rather just address things instead of making them awkward. And really the onus should be on them, right? I kinda feel like I was trying to drive home the point that they have no right to feel awkward and to all walking on eggshells. Just address it and don’t be mean it stupid, but just be real! That’s all I’ve ever asked for.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First of all- if anyone gives you flack for this post- send them my way.. Secondly, I have never had this happen but I think it would be really hard and should be avoided by clinics. I like to think I would get through the situation fine but I feel like the volatility and desperation and hope-on-thin-ice environment of a fertility clinic needs to be kept clean of triggers whenever possible. Even though we have very little funds left after all our IVF debt I always get a babysitter for my toddler and never bring him in like I have seen others do. Even though he is a hard fought IVF baby other women could just see him as a trigger. Glad you got through it all ok but sorry you had to have that supposedly safe place expose you to any added hurt. Xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • You are so sweet! Thanks for having my back! That is so respectable of you to think of others when it comes to bringing your son to the clinic where those struggling might have a hard time with it. It says a lot about you! Im hoping i find a way to deal with this moving forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Awww I am sorry Hun. My RE and my nurse were pregnant last round but they actually were both pregnant from IVF and very open about it which I loved. I can’t imagine having a nurse pregnant naturally and easily. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  7. How rough! Coming at it from a different angle (and sorry if it’s not an angle you are ready to hear) but going back to the fertility doctor to discuss next steps a lot of the doctors and nurses there were pregnant. I felt horrible bringing Luke with me, but seeing all the pregnant doctors made me feel a bit better about it. I’m sure for a lot of women it is a rough situation to see the doctor whose treating your infertility pregnant. I just have to remind myself that I don’t know what the story behind the bump is. They could have struggled too, or been one of the lucky ones to conceive naturally. Hugs to you

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This has not happened to me (yet??) but I can imaging the awkwardness! For what it’s worth, my eyes always glance to people’s bellies now to gauge if I’m going to have to talk about someone else’s pregnancy. It sucks and I feel so silly. Sorry this happened to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So crazy that you should mention this, we were just in the clinic on Tuesday because we were in the area and wanted that same exact person you are taking about and Dr. M to meet the baby. I too felt like she might be pregnant before we even went in and when I saw her I was shocked (but also happy for her). She never brought up her pregnancy until I mentioned it and congratulated her and even then she brushed it off. Husband and I had the same conversation about how hard it must be for both patients and her. While it is way more difficult for her patients so deal with, as someone who I feel truly supports her patients on so many levels she must have a hard time with it at work too.

    We both talked about how she is the person who has given us the worst news of our lives to date (dropping betas in earlier pregnancies and then telling us that what we thought was our take home baby didn’t have a heartbeat at 12 weeks after 4 great ultrasounds). I am in a pretty good place now that our miracle is finally here but I told my husband that I am so glad she will have hopefully safely delivered before I am ever back in the office for an actual appointment again.

    Even once you successfully bring a baby home, I don’t think that anyone who has been through infertility and recurrent miscarriage will ever feel completely ok with other people’s pregnancies. Hoping you find the best strategy for you to deal with it in the office as you approach your FET.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, I cant believe you had that feeling before you saw her too. Its crazy how our intuition just knows. Its got to be hard for her, I really did feel bad not saying anything but had no clue even what to say. The good thing is, I think we have built a solid enough relationship over the years that she totally gets how Im feeling without saying anything. Its nuts to think that this one person has had to be the bearer of bad news in both our lives and we have never even met each other. Thanks so much for making me feel like I am not too nutty feeling how I am feeling. I am still working on how to move forward with all this XX

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  10. Before we started IVF, and at the time we were doing our IUIs, our RE got pregnant! She was really trying to hide it, but we could see a little tiny baby bump. Very shortly after that, she stopped working and went on early maternity leave. Well, I don’t know if she was someone else in the hospital or not. All I know is she was no longer in the RE office. One of our other doctors took over for all of her patients. Now when we were doing our rounds of IVF at the clinic, I noticed that one of the secretaries upfront was pregnant. She was there for a while, but when she started getting really big they had her stop working. It is such a touchy and difficult subject. We are there trying and doing everything we possibly can to bring our babies into this world, and although I’m happy for those that can get pregnant, it also brings me heart ache and a reminder of what I have not been able to do, The joy we have not been able to feel of holding our little babies. I think that although they are happy, they feel bad as well since they see our pain and go through this process with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree with you- I think both sides feel both happy and sad in a situation like this. I think it makes sense that as your RE and secretary got further along, they took an appropriate break to ensure the sanity of all patients and themselves. Thanks for sharing your experience with something so similar.

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  11. One of the nurses who does the blood draws was pregnant during my retrieval cycle. She did my blood last week and isn’t anymore. There are usually a bunch of ladies getting blood drawn at the same time and I don’t know if it was just me but it seemed more tense when she was drawing blood. When I saw her last she was moody (Either that or she has RBF). I felt bad for never mentioning her pregnancy and not asking if she’d had the baby. I wonder if everyone else ignored her pregnancy as well. That cant’ have been fun for her either. I’m sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad you’re in a better place to deal with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Two nurses at me RE’s office are pregnant right now. But they both had to do IVF to get pregnant, so in my mind they are not as annoying as someone who got pregnant on their own. Horrible to say out loud I know, but true.

    Liked by 1 person

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