And Then There Was None

Miracle will be 2 yrs old soon. Hard to believe it. I mean how cliche is it to say time flies, but boy is it so true. The past year or so I have found myself struggling through stages of infancy and toddlerhood only to blink and see a new stage upon me and miss the old stage like crazy.

Back in early 2014, we had 18 eggs retrieved via IVF with ICSI, 8 of which made it to day 6 blasts. 7 were put on ice and 1 transferred back fresh at that time. 5 transfers total, 6 embryos miscarried, 1 miracle baby boy & 1 embryo that never implanted.

Our last embryo was transferred back to us early this month. We had high hopes that it would complete our family and bring Miracle a sibling. The cycle failed. I sort of knew going into it that it would not work. That sounds awful, and so much for the power of positive thinking. I blame myself sometimes for my ‘mindset’, that maybe if I had been more positive it would have worked. If I would have taken it a little easier after the transfer. If, if, if.

And of course I blame my body. The actual transfer itself was a nightmare. The catheter would not go in correctly which was never an issue in our prior 4 transfers. I guess since I dilated the full 10cm during labor with Isaac things changed down there. Who knows. Finally it worked but the cramping was not ideal. I wasnt exactly relaxed.

And then there was the quality of the embryo itself. 30% of it did not survive the thaw. The inner cell mass was still in tact as it was the trophectoderm (aka future placenta) that died off. We were told that successful pregnancies have occurred with even 50% not making it and to stay positive. Sigh. It was just another sign in my mind that things wouldnt work.

But the truth is none of this even matters because in reality if it was meant to be it would have been right? So now we pick up the pieces and try to move on from life after IVF. There will be no more IVF for us. It has taken up too much of our lives for too many years and I dont want it anymore. This cycle brought back so many ugly feelings that I remembered all too well once they surfaced. And I dont want those feelings anymore.

Thinking Ahead

It is our hope & dream that we do our FET this April and bring home a healthy and happy singleton just in time for Christmas this year. 

But we all know that sometimes things dont work out exactly as we plan them to. Those of us suffering from infertility and pregnancy loss know this all too well. 

In the last 24 hours, two of my fellow bloggers have had failed IVF cycles. My heart aches for them. Its a reality that none of us like to think about going into a cycle. We simply cant fathom putting everything into something to come out with nothing. Its so incredibly unfair. 

These failed cycles hit close to home and have me thinking about how it is very well something that could happen to us in little over a month. Im not being negative, Im just being realistic.

We have never had a ‘technical’ failed transfer. All positives ending in loss. I have no idea how I would react to a negative, but I know, just like my fellow warriors, I will pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.  And in all honesty, I really do not want to deal with miscarrying again ((obviously)), so if something is wrong Id rather the embryo not implant at all to begin with. 

So hubby and I sat and discussed what our next move will be if this singleton FET fails and ends in a BFN in April. 

The plan would be to transfer both of our remaining frozen embryos in June. 

Its hard to believe that when we began this fresh cycle back in February 2014, 2 years ago, we had 8 embryos in total. 

Ive now miscarried 5 of them, and we have 3 left. 

April we transfer 1 embie in hopes of our dream coming true.

If not, in June we transfer both embies and pray our dream comes true then. 

We arent thinking any further than that for now. I do feel good being on the same page and at least knowing what will happen should things not go as planned in April. 

Off to the Races

Well, we are off to the races folks… Another month of TTC at home has yielded nothing but a BFN (no surprise there).  So, I am officially on CD1, which means our FET calendar is in now in full effect.  This was our last month of TTC on our own.

  
Starting on CD3, I will be on the pill for 1 month in order to do my upcoming hysteroscopy safely on the day I wanted to (so I do not miss work). And in about a week, I will get my pre-op blood work done to make sure we are cleared for the H/S.  I skipped out on my therapy session this past week as things have just been so incredibly busy.  That being said, fertility speaking wise, that is really all there is to report for now!

For the most part, I have been working away in my classroom the past 2 weeks.  It has seemed never-ending, especially since I moved rooms and changed grade levels. Nevertheless, it is finally all ready to go! The kiddos come back tomorrow (I can’t believe it!) and I am hoping and praying for a great first day of school, and year to follow suit.  Here are a few pictures from my room & open house as promised last week:

   
    
 
In other news…our house is done being painted and we LOVE it! We are so happy with the colors we chose; very rich, warm tones. The body is a taupe, the trim is cream, and our front door is a deep mahogany.  The front door might just be my favorite! Makes it all pop.  I know you are thinking, where are the pictures??? My hubby made me promise not to post until the gutters are up later this week.  Don’t ask me why… If you ask me, all they do is help with the rain! He begs to disagree, stating they, “bring everything together.”  Okie dokie, then!

We ordered some new patio furniture from Pier 1. Who doesn’t love Pier 1, please tell me? The place is a dream.  Now, I just need to be rich so I can get everything there!  Anyways, we ordered a Papasan chair and stool. I am going for a beach theme like our master, so the cushions that go with the chair and stool are a Cobalt Blue.  We also got an outdoor rug from Home Depot, along with a cutesy bistro dining set.  I had the hubby hang a few pieces of wall art, one says, “beach” & another “splash.”  My mom gave us a pretty decent sized fountain for the patio, which is oh-so-peaceful.  I cannot wait for the winter months to get here so I can spend some time curled up in my Papasan reading a book with my dog.  I will post some pictures of the finished patio next week!

Another Month, Another BFN

You know the drill when TTC.  

Every month it goes something like this. 

You get your period.  You cry, you moan, and you feel like crap. Your period ends.  You feel a renewed sense of hope!  You start temping and peeing on ovulation sticks twice a day. Your fertile window begins. Anticipation and excitement of what could be flood your mind.  You and hubby begin to BD every chance you get, and happily mark it on your fertility app calendar. Soon, your fertile window comes to an end. You eat super healthy, exercise lightly, and pay attention to every twinge during this luteal phase. You are positive THIS month was THE month! You start peeing on a stick by cycle day 26 or perhaps even sooner if you are a POAS addict like me. By day 29 or 30, you sink into depression when you realize not even the faintest line appears. Another stark white test before your red, puffy eyes and barren belly. Aunt Flow arrives and the cycle repeats. Month, after month, after month.

  
This month we tried something different.  Sorry if TMI, but this is a TTC post.  Since my husband’s soldiers do not have a very good overnight survival rate, that do it “every other day thing” when TTC doesn’t apply to us.  They won’t survive up to 5 days like they should; they barely survive until the next day.  Keeping this in mind, as soon as we got the + OPK, we BD 2x per day for 4 days straight. Yep, every 12 hours. Hard schedule to keep up with, I know. And the month before, it was 1 time per day for 5 consecutive days. Despite the abundance of timed pre-seed friendly intercourse, thickened lining, and almost “normal” sperm count of 20 million, still nothing. 

  

I do believe this month will be our last month TTC on our own, (maybe one more after that) before we do another FET. Our plan is to BD every other day for about 6-7 days this cycle, regardless of the overnight survival rate of his sperm.  Then at least we can say we tried every possible BD combination over the past 3 months. 

  

In the meantime, you can find me moping around, eating caramel-fudge brownies in my pajamas, watching Lifetime movies with my heating pad on while trying to fight off the wrath of the viscous Aunt Flow. In other words, I am pretty much wallowing in self-pity for a few days. And I am OK with that! 

Where’s My Happy Ending???

Warning: This post might be a little negative Nelly.  I try to keep it upbeat, but lets be real, sometimes it’s just not possible.

Lately, I have been pitying myself.  I was doing really great, and then BAM! Pity party time. Maybe it’s all the success stories coming in. Don’t get me wrong, I love success stories, because they give me hope…without them, what do you have to look forward to? But at the same time, one comes to a point where they have to ask, “WHERE’S MY HAPPY ENDING?” 

Yea, yea, I get that a happy ending is what you make it out to be.  But in our minds, right now, our happy ending is achieving our family.  And ideally, sooner than later.  I personally think we have waited long enough, but the big man upstairs must disagree with me.  Right now, we are in total “limbo” mode as to what is even going on with our clinic, another FET, etc. We have no set plan of action.  Time just keeps on.  And as it does, we are bombarded with the announcements of others pregnancies, deliveries, IUI, IVF, and FET cycles gearing up.  Shoot, most of our friends are going on having their 2nd, 3rd, even 4th kid. And here we are, still dying just for 1. 1 pregnancy that can make it full term and yield a healthy baby.  Just 1.

I’ve been reading a lot of posts about couples who tried for years upon years to conceive, went on to do IUI’s that failed, then finally did IVF, and got their miracle baby on the first try.  In other words, they got their “happy ending.”  I see less and less of the stories of couples who are in our shoes getting their happy ending.  And to be honest, it is hard not to get discouraged.  Where are all the happy endings of those who have tried on their own for many years, failed IUI’s, and then recurrently miscarried off IVF’s?  If you are reading this, and it’s you, please share!

This morning, we got this….

That’s right, a BFN.  Stark white.  I tested on day 26 of my cycle, so technically I am 2 days early.  That doesn’t matter though.  I know I’m not pregnant.  I have been pregnant before, and thus, I know what it feels like.  Plus, I have studied HCG levels enough to know that I should have at least 25ml in my system by now to show even the faintest line on a test using fresh morning urine. Negative.

We did the deed as we should, I ovulated as I should, and a few days after ovulation, I even felt dizzy! Dizziness is a tell tale sign for me that I am pregnant early on (like during implantation early on).  And, for one split second, I thought it actually could have worked.  My husband told me he thought I was pregnant for sure.  What a great Fathers Day/Bday present that would have been for him!

It’s been awhile since we have felt the monthly highs and lows of TTC at home, praying day in and day out that Aunt Flow will take a long vacation.  Can I tell you how quickly I am reminded how much I don’t miss it?  Anyone who has played this game knows exactly what I am talking about.  Timed intercourse. Examining CM. Tracking your body temperature. Thinking this month is THE month, watching everything you eat, analyzing every little twinge you feel, dreaming of what a miracle it would be if this wish could just come true.  Imagining what it would be like after all we have been through to just have it happen on our own at home, just like that?  Well, not this time.  Who were we kidding? There will be no happy ending for us yet again this month.