Excitement v. Anxiety

We have some upcoming things in the next few weeks that I am super excited about! 

  • Hospital tour!!! 
  • Prenatal consultations with a few pediatricians 
  • 24 week OB appointment (viability!!)
  • Cloth diapering class 

After we accomplish the above items, we will start looking into childbirth/CPR classes to attend. 

While I am super excited, I am also anxious. But I am really *trying* to keep my anxiety at bay. I spoke with the midwife today about some of my current fears, like stillbirth. Knowing that my recurrent miscarriage history plays no role in this happening helps me some. Also, how uncommon it is. She did tell me it can of course happen, but to try and enjoy my pregnancy. So, I have started coloring again, and listening to my Circle + Bloom healthy pregnancy CD. I hadnt listened in about a month and it seems to help.

My anxiety has been up in other areas too, non-pregnancy related, like my safety. Just recently we got a gun, just in case God forbid someone breaks in or something.  Someone actually broke into our home that we still live in many years ago and we never found out who did it. I dont know what has caused my fears to resurface about this, maybe its my motherly instinct to protect my unborn child, who knows. Either way I feel better now knowing that I/we can protect ourselves if needed. 

Other news? 

I have gained about 20 lbs. total. My midwife seems to think I am right on track, but my MFM told me to “slow down.” LOL.  I mostly eat well, so there isnt too much more I can do. I gained majority of it during the first trimester. The cleaning ladies came today and commented about how much my bump had grown in the past 2 weeks. I hope so, I worry sometimes that he isnt growing as he should even though there is no reason for me to think this way. 

Here are a few bump pics since I havent shared on here in awhile!



Until next time friends! 

Fears

Tonight, some fears came up between hubby and I in conversation. 

It started when a girl I follow via a FB group posted that she gave birth to a stillborn earlier today.  I was scrolling through, came across it, and a lump immediately formed in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly read it to my hubby. We just stared at each other blankly. 

And then after a few moments, “I dont know if I can handle something like that,” came out of his mouth as he stared at me. 

My hubby never says he cant handle things when its come to all this IVF and pregnancy loss stuff, so I didnt really know what to say.  Usually Im the one saying I cant handle it.

Im not sure how it happened, perhaps it was the fear taking over us, but we ended up getting into a disagreement.  

When we started talking about if that happened to us after all we have already endured, what we would do, what we would not do, how we would cope, move forward, etc. and basically, we were not seeing eye to eye. Im not going to get into all the details, but we ended up deciding it would be better to continue the conversation at another time rather than get more heated. 

Its easy to say we shouldnt be worrying about something that hasnt even happened to us. That its impossible to know how we would react in a situation such as this. To be positive about our future. I get all that. We really try to be.  But when it happens to someone in the community like it did today, it hits home. And the truth is, Ive always been positive about my pregnancies, but that didnt save any of them. Im at the point where I need to be positive, but also realistic.  

Its incredibly frightening to think we could endure another loss. Every loss has been a later loss than the time before. 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 10 weeks. But its also very difficult to think of giving up on our dreams because of our fears. Fear is not from above. 

I guess I just want us to be as united as we can be, no matter what situation, good or bad, comes our way.