Grief

I have been thinking about writing this post all week, but really dont know how to put my grief into words. No, this isnt about our new bundle of joy that means the world to us. He is doing great. 

This is about the struggle that stays with you after you become a mom…dealing with loss and infertility after motherhood.

Two years ago today, I underwent my last d & c at 10 weeks pregnant. It was our 3rd Frozen Embryo Transfer, and we thought we were almost out of the woods (or first trimester). I wont rehash all of the awful details with our loss, you can read about them in our archives back in March of 2015 if you are in a place where you need to relate. If you are, my prayers go out to you. However, I will say that this February day back in 2015 still haunts, or hurts me deeply. 

I sat in the bathtub last night, when I should have been relaxing after a long day filled with cluster feeds, dirty diapers, cries and sweet rainbow baby coos, only to find myself grieving deeply. 

You see, having a baby doesnt replace losing one. Having a miracle in your arms actually makes you wonder even more about what your other child would have been. All the moments you are enjoying now that you lost with them. There is even a smidge of guilt mixed in with the grief. 

We will never know why we lost Isaacs brother that winter day a few years ago, or why we lost all 5 of his other siblings before that. All we can do is thank God for what we have and cherish it even more. Pray for peace for all the babies taken too soon, and for all the moms that became moms the second those embryos were placed inside of them…regardless of the outcome. You are a mother even though many might not recognize it. The love starts way before the baby arrives. Losing many and now having one has made me realize it even more. 

Rest in peace Isaiah William with all the other angels gone too soon 💙 today we think of you 💙

Birth Story

I want to record our son Isaac’s birth story before anything becomes forgotten, and have been meaning to do so all week,  but truthfully I have been so in awe of him that I havent made the time yet. Hubby is currently out to the store (thank God he took the first 2 weeks off) and I am feeling quite tired but need to stay awake so what better time than now!

We were admitted to the hospital on Sunday, 12/18/16, at 7:30 p.m. for our induction. The nurses that greeted us gave us the biggest and nicest labor room on the floor. The room had a pull out bed for dad, baby warming station, flat screen TV, jetted tub and shower, and of course my hospital bed. Upon arriving, I put on my own special order gown and had my vitals taken. We unpacked our bags and hubby found the ice machine (my best friend!) on the floor. 

Around 9 p.m. my nurse inserted my hep lock IV and got me hooked up to the machines. She showed hubby and I how we could monitor my contractions and the babys heartrate if we like. We could adjust the volume easily, and unplug the machine for bathroom use throughout the night. I gave the nurse my birth plan and she eased some of my fears. 

By 10 p.m. that night I had my cervix checked and cervidil inserted into it. For the first two hours the meds are in you need to stay laying down. I was about 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced at the time it was inserted. The cervidil was to soften my cervix and is supposed to be left in for 12 hrs. I must say that having it inserted was not a pleasant experience at all. It took about 4 tries for my nurse to get it in the right spot, which she emphasized how important doing so was. Finally, she had success and we were on our way! 

I didnt expect to have contractions or major cramping throughout the middle of the night with he cervidil. My OB had said I probably wouldnt feel much, if anything, until the next morning, but by midnight I was both contracting and cramping. I must have unhooked myself from the machine every hour to go pee. The benadryl they gave me to get some sleep was pointless. I was up around the clock. 

Around 4 a.m. I began to think shit was getting real. I wanted another cervix check but my nurse convinced me to try and hold off until morning came. At 6 a.m. I literally heard a “pop” and jumped up. Then came the gush. Or gushes I should say. My water broke. It was warm and clear, mixed with blood. Almost immediately after, the pain intensified. I was 4 cm dilated, and wanted to discuss the epidural so I paged my nurse in. 

By now, hubby was up and I got on the birthing ball and began practicing deep breaths. The contractions were intense. I wondered how the heck I was going to make it! The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, and I went over my history of scoliosis wih him the best I could between the contractions, now coming every 3 minutes. He had trouble getting the needle in initially, I believe it took 3 tries. 

Minutes after the epidural, my blood pressure plumetted and I felt awful. They said I looked green. They pumped me with some other drugs and eventually got me back to where I needed to be. The epidural eased my pain for the time being, and by noon I was close to 7 cm dilated I believe. Hubby and I got some much needed sleep during this time.  

By 4 p.m. my pain level was increasing again, and I kept hitting the damn medicine button hooked up to my IV. It didnt seem to do much after awhile though. I continued to listen to my Circle + Bloom meditational CD and applied some essential oils in hopes of relaxing. I even had a special picture with me for a focal point. 

The nurse and midwife decided to give me a low dose of Pitocin to see if we could speed things up a bit. They also decided to monitor my contractions internally instead of just externally. So some other contraption was put inside of me. 

By 6 p.m., I was 10 cm dilated and in major pain. The epidural from the morning had long worn off and I was cursing the world. I had been pushing on and off for a good hour, and hubby and the team saw Miracle’s head several times. I heard the machines going off like something was wrong consistently when pushing. 

I kept asking about baby, and he was doing just fine as it appeared on the screen. I was the one in distress, not him. The machines were beeeping like crazy because of my heartrate. It was accelerating a lot, at times up to 170. The team was not happy with this at all, and my OB was called in to do a c-section right away. 

I started crying. It had been a long 20 something hours of labor only to have to be operated on. I felt like such a failure in that moment. Why didnt I just opt for the c-section in the first place? Thankfully everyone around me came together to make me realize it wasnt my fault and all I remember thinking was ‘please God, get my baby here soon.’

The anesthesiologist quickly gave me another epidural, and some other drugs for blood pressure, nausea, and anxiety, and we were being wheeled off. The epidural started working, and they were scrubbing me off as I shook and chattered my teeth. My speech was slurred, my eyes half closed, and I was really feeling drugged up. I remember I kept asking if baby was okay. I always heard how great he was doing back. Hubby was next to me holding my hand the whole time. 

I felt a decent amount of tugging and pulling, and medical jargon talk in the background. Lots of “almost there” and “I can see him” pep talks being given to me. Intense feelings of being smashed on top of my chest followed.  Then at 6:57 p.m., I heard the sound I have been waiting to hear for almost a decade, our sweet rainbow baby crying. 


I started crying instantly and I heard the team laughing about how he was peeing as they pulled him out. Hubby got to cut the cord and he received his perfect Apgar score. He was then brought over to see me. I couldnt believe it. Finally. 

Merry Christmas, World! 

Our miracle rainbow baby made his entrance into the world on Monday, December 19, 2016 at 6:57 p.m. weighing 7 lbs. 11 ounces. and 21 inches long. 

We welcomed Isaac William via c-section after a very long 21 hours of vaginal labor at 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Will post his entire birth story soon! Right now we are home and busy soaking up every second of what we prayed for for so very long. 

Our hearts are beyond full, he is absolutely perfect. Every tear and year spent waiting was worth it. 

Merry Christmas all ❤️