Radio Silence

This is probably the longest I have gone without blogging in quite some time.

Before I begin, it is important that I say that I do not by any means want to take away from the wonderful fact that we are now 17 weeks pregnant…I still can’t believe it and thank God numerous times a day. 

However, my mindset changes daily… I go from being on cloud 9 to crying my eyes out.  I am sure a lot of this is the normal hormonal pregnant woman, but I believe some of it is also due to our past.  I never had any idea how hard pregnancy after loss would actually be. When you are so used to things going wrong, it’s difficult to believe things are finally going right.  In addition to being naive about the challenges of pregnancy after loss, I was also quite naive about how I would feel so much better (mentally) once I got out of the first trimester. All I can say to that is…YEA RIGHT (sarcastically).  Instead of early loss, you just worry about late loss.  As a recurrent miscarrier, unfortunately those fears don’t just disappear the farther along you get.

Despite the roller coaster ride of emotions, things have been pretty uneventful the past few weeks.  At 16 weeks, I officially stopped taking all forms of progesterone. Since I was on triple progesterone, my RE weaned me off one at a time.  First was the Crinone at 12 weeks, then the PIO shots at 14 weeks, and finally the Prometrium at 16 weeks.  I was incredibly nervous to go off at first…wondering “will my body do what it needs to do???”  Thankfully, so far it has and I haven’t had any bleeding from it, or from the Placenta Previa.  

In the meantime, I also started back up on the Baby Aspirin to prevent any clotting since my Sub-Chorionic is long gone (my RE took me off it back when that was around) and I am a heterogeneous carrier for a Prothrombin disorder. Other than the baby aspirin, I am just taking my prenatal and Folgard.  It’s so weird not to be taking a million pills a day! To be honest, I cried when I put away my pill boxes, band-aids, gauze pads, syringes, and alcohol wipes.  Not because I was sad to be done with them (Im not that crazy), but because of the many tough days and nights associated with them.

In order to keep tabs on my cervix, I have been seeing either my OB or the MFM every week. Today we saw the MFM doc for our anatomy scan.  I guess he prefers to do them a little earlier than usual.  I had to use my doppler before the appointment to calm my nerves.  The scan lasted about 30 minutes and hubby and I got some great pics of miracle.

The tech keep commenting on how active he was, so she was having trouble getting the pics of his brain that she needed.  She had to tap my stomach with the wand a few times to get him to move out of the way, which of course freaked me out.  I barely touch my stomach, let alone tap on it.  Yes, I know baby is protected, but still. Not taking any chances here.  Anyways, he finally cooperated and she got what she needed!

We met with the doctor right after, and he thoroughly went through each image with us.  Baby boy looked normal, or as I like to call it, perfect, in all areas.  He was even measuring a week ahead in some places.  My due date has gone from Christmas day, to the 23rd, to now the 20th.  Speaking of due dates,  we were pretty sure a C-section was the way we would be bringing our son into the world (due to my prior fibroid surgery and the previa).  Well, after speaking with my RE this past week about the specifics of my fibroid removal, it appears we may have a chance of delivering vaginally still.  Here is the email we received from her…

So, if the Previa moves up as most do as the pregnancy progresses, we wont be scheduled for a section anymore.  It seems like we will just be taking it a day at a time with this, and make decisions as we go.  Although my main concern is that baby enters this world safely, I must say I am happy to know that there is a chance I could deliver naturally now.  I feel like so much of this process has been “un-natural” that it would be nice to have something I could do naturally.

The MFM doc laid out his plan for us today.  He said he likes to monitor his IVF patients a little more frequently than not, which means appointments every 2 weeks until about 28 weeks. From his experience, he said that ART patients tend to encounter more placenta problems than non-ART patients. I didnt ask too much about what these problems could be, Id rather just not know unless needed. Unnecessary anxiety! 

The next appointment we will look more in depth at the heart (he did confirm all 4 chambers were there today), the appointment after that we will do a vaginal swab that tests for any trace of pre-term labor chemicals, along with continual cervix checks.  My cervix was at 3.8 today…anything over 3 is good.  Praying it stays nice and long!

On the home front, exciting things have been taking place! Hubby painted the nursery, and we ordered the carpet and baseboards.  They will be installed in a little over a week. The crib, mattress, and bookshelf have all arrived too.  We won’t be unpacking them until the carpet goes in though.  


Hubby is planning to get the closet organization system in within the next month or so.  I am reallllyyy looking forward to this because currently all the baby clothes are spread out randomly throughout the house.  I can’t wait to see it all come together! And I cannot wait to go in the room and nest a bit too!  I also started our registry which has been a ton of fun.  Thankfully, I have had the assistance of some of my great friends and family members.

Things are happening fast, and we are getting closer to our goal of 24 weeks everyday.  I am always thinking of all the TTC ladies out there, regardless of where you are at in this process.  Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
 

Finding the Rainbow After a Storm

Today was our post-op appointment after the hysteroscopy done last week.

The pathology results from the biopsy came back with 2 findings: 1.) chronic inflammation, & 2). placental plaque, or tissues.

The chronic inflammation is probably due to all of the zillion procedures that have been done.  The placental plaque or tissue, on the other hand, was not what we were expecting. Somehow, someway, there is still placenta left in my uterus from a pregnancy. Don’t ask me how.  In fact, it was not even able to be seen on the hysteroscopy, it was only detected through the biopsy.  If something “rare” were to happen, you already knew it would.

So, the plan is to remove, or try to remove this “invisible” placenta when we try to remove the Adenomyoma in a few weeks. Removing the Adenomyoma will go something like this: Under general anesthesia, the doctor will once again enter my uterus with a camera through the cervix, locate the mass, and “shave” it down with a special tool, that she called a “wand” at one point. A wand! Ha! Like this is a fairy tale or something.

After she shaves the mass down enough to where it appears flush with my uterine wall, she will inject Vasopressin into my uterus to make it contract.  The Vasopressin will force any “hidden” Adenomyoma to seep out.  Sounds disgusting, I know.  I guess entire Adenomyomas are not always fully visible, which brings us to the next point.  Our doctor said, and I quote, “there is a chance I may not be able to safely remove the entire Adenomyoma” or that “the cavity will appear normalized at the time of the surgery, but there will be residual tissue left that can grow back.”

She will take get out as much as she can safely, without damaging my uterus, and send it out to pathology to confirm that it was indeed an Adenomyoma.  She will also insert a balloon in the place where the mass previously was (in order to prevent scar tissue from forming). The balloon will stay in my uterus for about a week as it heals (maybe I’ll fly away). Of course, she said I won’t even feel it, but I doubt she ever walked around with a balloon in her va-jay-jay.

About a month after all this jazz (in June sometime), we will have to do another diagnostic hysteroscopy/biopsy, just like the one last week.  This will confirm that the Adenomyoma is fully gone, along with the placental tissue.  It’s hard for me to think about not being able to fully remove it.  I guess because we know it has to come out entirely, or we cant even consider getting pregnant.  And even if it is fully removed, there is always the chance another one will grow back.  And there is not timeline as to when, or how quickly.  This is very frustrating to say the least, especially since there is a pretty good chance this caused us to miscarry the last time.  You know I don’t believe in percentages, but if I had to give you one on whether this mass caused the loss or not, I’d say I’m 90% sure it did.

The doctor thinks that this Adenomyoma has probably been festering for a little while now (at least before the last transfer). In fact, the “fluid” that popped up back in December, that almost cancelled our transfer, we can most likely thank Mr. Adenomyoma for.  Fluid can be related  to many things, among them, less commonly, an Adenomyoma. Of course there was no way in knowing this was the relationship then-I saw every single ultrasound, SIS, and HSG with my own eyes, and this mass was not visible. So how can we not help but ask why, God? Back in December, we prayed and prayed for that transfer to be cancelled if it wasn’t right.  Maybe we didn’t see the signs.  I don’t know.  I’m not sure if we will ever know.  But, we can’t keep looking back, we can only look forward and hope.  Looking back hurts.  And getting angry doesn’t help either.  I know God never wastes a hurt.  My mom reminds me of this frequently.  If we can help one person, or couple out there, then at least some good can come out of this loss.

We received this card not too long ago, when we least expected it, from someone we do not know on a close basis at all.  It made me cry.  Tonight, when nothing seems to make sense, this card makes me remember how God is using us through this journey to touch other people’s lives.  Knowing that makes me feel better about “why.”