Enjoying the Moments

I caught myself singing along happily to the radio as I drove to work this morning. Lets just say that hasnt happened in a loonnng time…

I noticed how I felt full inside, I felt hopeful, peaceful, and content about my future. As I realized how I felt, I thanked God that I do (even though it still puzzles me that I am feeling this way). For once, I do not feel any pressure or the urge to do something. 

Thats when I decided that I will continue to enjoy living in these happy moments as they come instead of doubting them.  I say this because this morning it dawned on me that one day things will likely all be so different.

One day I will have my babies to feed as I try to wolf down my own meal.

One day I will have my babies to change as I yearn for a shower or a bubble bath that is almost unheard of.

One day I will have my babies to put to bed and wake up with numerous times a night as I am in a half dead, sleep deprived state.

One day I will take them to their very first day of school as I rush to get ready for my own first day with my students.

One day I will watch them play sports, help them with their homework, listen to their stories, and cook them dinner after a long day of my own.

One day I will lay smashed in my bed with our kids, dogs, and us, trying to remember what it was like just the two of us. 

One day I will I will hear laughs, screams, cries, and noises all day and all night, forgetting what the silence I now know is like. 

One day I will be spending all of my money on field trips, school supplies, clothes, and toys instead of purses, jewelry, and spontaneous getaways. 

Would anyone in the infertile world want to miss out on any of these “one day” moments I described for the latter “all about me” moments I described? 

Of course not; I cant wait for those wonderful, one day moments.  I dream about them all the time.  And I know that all of the moms out there are thinking, “I wouldnt trade them for the world.” I get it, because I consider myself a mom although my children never walked the Earth.  

But I used to dream about many of the moments I am living now, too.

I used to dream of owning our own home.

I used to dream of marrying my husband and knowing I would get to sleep next to him every night.

I used to dream of having a career where I could teach and make a difference in kids lives.

I used to dream of getting my masters degree and teaching at a college. 

I used to dream of being able to have the funds to go shopping, and travel on my own schedule. 

All of these moments came true, even though at times they seemed almost out of reach.

My point is that today, as I sung to that radio, I felt at TOTAL peace that my “one day” moments with our babies will come. Its like something just clicked. How amazing is that? I think its pretty amazing! 

So, in the meantime, I am going to try and keep enjoying all of the moments I earned -that once seemed impossible- instead of focusing on the ones I dont have. 

Soulmates-My Baby, Her Belly 

We meet tons of people throughout the span of our lives. Maybe you have heard the saying, “some people come into our lives and quickly go, others stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.”  I believe we can categorize these people into groups based on our relationships with them.

  1. People we never say more than 2 or 3 words to such as “hi and “how are you” in passing just to be polite (a co-worker in a large firm, a fellow jogger or person waiting in line with you). 
  2. People we wish we would have never said more than 2 or 3 words to, unfortunately did, and now avoid them at all costs (acquaintances, ex-boyfriends, or friends turned bad). 
  3. People we interact with for professional, need based reasons (hairdressers, postmen, bankers, doctors, realtors, etc.) 
  4. People we deal with only on or at special occassions because we feel obligated to do so (fellow Christmas party goers and wedding party guests, great aunts and uncles we havent seen in 15 years, or any family member that we are distant from). 
  5. People we enjoy spending our time with and vice versa (good friends & family). 
  6. People who we cannot imagine not having in our lives for its entirety, who we would do anything for, and vice versa (soulmates). 

*Note-these are all totally subjective generalizations; yes there are surely exceptions and overlaps depending on who you ask.  

To most, a soulmate is looked at as 1 romantic, intimate life partner. I too, look at my husband as my 1 and only romantic soulmate.  But is it possible to have a soulmate that has nothing to do with romance? 

I would say so; I would say it all depends on your definition of a soulmate. To me, the defintion of a soulmate is what I described in category #6 above.  For this reason, I also consider my mom to be my soulmate. I could even go as far as saying I consider my furbabies to be too.  The past few weeks, I was really reminded that I am blessed to have friends in my life that are my soulmates as well. 

  

A few weeks back, after our FET was cancelled and we got the bad MRI report, I was feeling pretty down. Literally, I was in bed crying, thinking about how weak I am, and how I wanted to give up, when my husband brought in an unexpected card from a cat 6 friend and handed it to me. It was exactly what I needed at exactly that moment.  

  

A few days later, I sat and cried again, staring at the computer screen. I had just researched the cost of an average carrier in the U.S….$50,000, with the most expensive part being hiring someone you do not know to carry. We knew there was no way this could ever be afforded.  Ever.  And we were so frustrated that neither one of us have a sister to even consider asking for help.  Neither one of us would ever as a friend, its just too much to expect of someone in our opinions.  But having someone you know as the carrier significantly reduces the cost. 

Next thing I know, my husband hands me more unexpected deliveries from another friend from category 6.  Again, the timing was nothing short of a miracle from above.  

These cards were numbered in the order to be opened

If you have been following our infertility, IVF, and RPL battle you know that eventually we *may* be faced with pursuing our family through a gestational carrier.  I said in my post yesterday that I had some uplifting, positive fertility news to tell. I am not going to go into detail about it, but I will share this much-one of my cat 6 friends, who has been following our story all along, who is one of my soulmates, has extended the offer of carrying our child for us should it come to it in the future.  She said it would be an honor to do so.  

There are really no words that can describe this incredible, selfless offer or the magnitude of our wonderful friendship. 

For those of you who are struggling, who think everything seems impossible, and who are feeling that there is no hope left-my husband and I get it. We really do. In fact, just a day before this offer we said we might as well give up on our dream of our family. But I want to remind you that there is always hope my friends.  Just when you are at your weakest and about to give up, God will remind you there is hope. 

A Child Free Life?

A child free life.  A life free of children.

We know some people who have chosen this path; but we know more who haven’t.

Some chose it because of their infertility struggles, some chose it just because.

Both sides appear to have a satisfying life for the most part, yet both also seem to have their fair share of problems as all couples do.

Since our 3 IVF losses, my husband and I have been discussing the pros and cons to a child free life.

I think it is important to note that we don’t desire to have a child free life lifestyle.  However, due to our circumstances, we realize this could eventually be the case, just from a financial standpoint alone.  

Pros to Living a Child-Free Life

  • More time (& money!) for just the two of us to spend together (no juggling act between hubby/wife time & kid time)
  • We can pick up & go places that we want very easily now (This could be a vacation, the store, or even out to dinner without having to worry about going to a child centered destination, packing diaper bags full of stuff, or dealing with possible toddler meltdowns)
  • We do not have to worry about our offspring for the rest of our lives in this insane world we live in (this is a HUGE umbrella for which their sickness, safety, behavior, intelligence, education, finances, relationships, & many more all fall under).
  • More dogs to adopt!!!LOL

Cons to Living a Child-Free Life

  • Not experiencing the full love of motherhood or fatherhood (we already know what it is like to love our children, but never got the entire experience)
  • No “big” family feel, something both my husband & I always wanted to have
  • No one to make you laugh at ridiculous things you normally wouldn’t laugh at (for real!)
  • No grandchildren
  • No one to watch grow up and to help grow up
  • No one to be a role model for (I’m talking about everyday at home)
  • Not having them to grow old with us
  • We will always wonder what it would have been like to have them

I am sure there is PLENTY more that can go on each list.  I am curious what my fellow TTC bloggers have thought about this “child free lifestyle.”  Is it even something you have considered or would consider? Why or why not?  To be honest, we never considered it at the start of our journey.  And again, it’s not what our hearts want at all, but we have to at least prepare for the possibility.