If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It

I had a pregnancy dream last night. Only my second one ever. 

The first one I had was while I was pregnant back in 2014, and that dream ended with me miscarrying. So, more of a nightmare than a dream I suppose. And oddly enough, that nightmare was right before our first miscarriage. It was awful, I chalked it up to nothing, but about a week later I found myself living it…the nightmare came true. Well, that was the past and the past is the past, right? 

Last night I was pregnant in my dream. Like I had a big belly and all. I was rubbing my belly and showing our baby love. The dream was quite vivid, and I even had my water break in it. We were at home when it broke, I was calm about it, and we made it to the hospital in time to deliver a healthy baby. We held the baby and were full of joy! Everything went as it should. No gender was revealed during the dream. 

This dream is another milestone for me to document in our journey. It showed us making it through a full term pregnancy, and bringing home a happy, healthy child. It felt incredibly real; you know how those dreams are. It brings so much hope for this upcoming transfer!

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Could it be a Sign?

Last week, I posted how much I believe in dreams.  Yesterday, I posted how indecisive and worried I am about making the decision about which clinic we will move forward at.  I also discussed how I am praying God will make it clear to us which path to take.  

Last night I had another dream.  Or maybe I should say a nightmare.  It was about our current clinic. They had scheduled another Hysteroscopy to perform on me before we did another FET.  It was a total disaster.  It took 2 months for them to get me in for it, which I was clearly not happy with.  The day the H/S was originally scheduled for, they put me under anesthesia and I awoke only to hearing them say they couldn’t do the procedure because they didn’t have the necessary tools at hand. So, my mom drove me back the next day for them to try to do it again.

When we arrived the next day, we were informed that our RE was MIA.  So, we sat and waited for hours.  Finally, our familiar nurse called us back.  As I usually do before any procedure, I asked her to make sure I was out of it and wouldn’t feel anything during it. She proceeded to tell me that I could not receive any anesthesia because I had some the day before when they were not able to perform the H/S.  I started to throw a fit, demanding it.  She asked me to leave and told me that they would call me later in the day after she talked with our RE.

We left. My mom and I drove around for hours (since we do not live in the area, we couldn’t go home).  I kept calling the clinic and no one would pick up.  Finally, my mom drive back so we could confront them.  She was not happy about all of this either.  When I walked in, I saw another familiar staff member. I started angrily telling her that it took us 2 months to get in for this, now I have missed 2 days of work, you tell me I can’t have anesthesia and to leave, and I still haven’t seen my RE! After this rant, she asked me who I was.  Like she didn’t know! SMH. I started shouted as I was crying, “You know who I am! Do you not remember what we have been through?!” She tried to cut me off and I interjected, “No! You will listen to me! We have had 3 IVF losses here at this clinic! Do you want us to take our embryos someplace else?!” No reply.

This nurse called for the other nurse at this point, as I was extremely irate. She said they would give me the anesthesia, but that my usual RE would not be the one to do the procedure.  Some creepy guy came in and started speaking another language to me.  I couldn’t understand a word he said.  Supposedly, he was the RE in place of my usual one.  He quickly inserted a needle into my arm and I started to zone out.  I knew I was going under, and I told him, “that’s enough..no more!” I felt like I was going to die from too much.  Then I was out.

The procedure was horrific. I will spare the details, but the end result was my uterus being damaged beyond repair.  When I awoke, I found myself walking through a dark alley with my current RE.  She questioned me, “what happened? Are you okay?” We nicely conversated back and forth and she told me that she didn’t think I was ready to move forward with another transfer.  And then, I woke up.

Could this be a sign that I asked for? My husband seems to think so. Or am I totally over analyzing things? I need some feedback friends.

Dreams Turning Into Reality

I am a firm believer that our dreams hold meaning in our lives. In fact, I have had several dreams that I have watched come true in my own life.

A few nights ago, I had one of those vivid, oh-so-very-real dreams.  The kind you wake up from and have to pinch yourself to make sure it wasn’t real.  This dream involved one of my best friends and I.  I should preface this by saying that she is currently pregnant, with a due date within weeks of what Isaiah and his twin’s would have been.

Before I detail the dream, let me give some background on it all.

When my friend and I found out we were pregnant together back in December, we were ecstatic.  We had actually been pregnant together just months before, but unfortunately both of us lost those pregnancies.  So when we both got pregnant again, we were sure this time we would both make it all the way.

We conversated daily, praying that our worst fears wouldn’t come true again, but that our hopes and dreams for our future babies would instead.  Things were going really great for both of us, we were making all the milestones together-doubling beta’s, heartbeats on ultrasounds, morning sickness reassuring us we were in fact pregnant.

But right around the week she made it out of her first trimester, something awful happened with our pregnancy-we lost it.

It was one of those moments in life they like to call a defining moment.  At that moment, I knew everything was about to change.  Not just between my husband & I, our families, our future, but also between my best friend & I.  She made it, and I didn’t.  Again.  This may not make sense to someone who has not been in this particular situation.  Let me put it to you this way-you feel as though your guts have been ripped out from inside of you and stomped on, only to have to pick them up and put them back inside.

There was nothing I could ever do to change the fact that our children would no longer be just weeks apart.  Nothing.  There was no longer anything I could share with her everyday about my pregnancy.  There was no longer anyway I could be involved in her pregnancy.  A defining moment, where everything changed.

And so, I removed myself from it all.  Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

That brings us back to the dream.  I dreamt that she was having her baby sprinkle, and I was there.  There were presents and people galore, but I couldn’t tell you who the people were or what the presents were.  The dream centered solely around the two of us.  

We were walking around together in awe of how beautiful everything looked.  Then she took me into a separate room, just the two of us.  The only thing in the room was a couch, which we quickly sat down on.  After we sat, a slide show started being projected on the wall.  This wasn’t just any slide show.  My friend told me, “I have some special things for you.”  The slide show began and it was a variety of images of navy blue whales, the ones I dreamed of decorating our baby boys room in. We sat and giggled and watched them swim around on the screen.  

Next, she pulled out a bundle of cards that were all tied together.  I started to read through the cards, bawling my eyes out.  She was too.  I can’t remember anything the cards said, only that each one was to honor baby, Isaiah and his twin. We hugged and cried, her big belly all I could feel.  I took my head and rested it on her stomach, waiting for her baby to kick.  She smiled, and so did I.  It was a defining moment.

I woke up feeling like a bond had just been reestablished.  I felt almost like a different person.  I texted her that morning and told her all about my dream.  I told her how happy I am for her that she is going to deliver her baby next week, and that I love her, and am here for her.  Of course, she understood fully.  After all, she is my dear friend, who I went to high school & college with, who stood beside me on my wedding day as my maid of honor, and I on hers, who has been there through it all.

I am positive this dream had deep meaning to it.  To me, it represented acceptance.  Acceptance of what was, and is no longer.  Acceptance of what still is and will be.