Happy Birthday 

Today baby Isaiah and his twin, who we lost on February 6, 2015, would be celebrating their 1st birthday’s. 

Its hard to believe they would already be 1. Which means our babies lost from IVF cycles 1 & 2 would be even older than that. Gulp. 

Although they were only with us for a short time, we miss them. We miss all the “could have been’s” that we will never experience here on Earth with them. And we look forward to the day we all meet again.

Happy Birthday babies. We know you are celebrating up above. Sending our love. 

Post Birthday Reflection 

I am officially 33 now. In actuality, the day wasnt that bad after all. I totally worked myself up for nothing. 

In fact, the day was pretty nice. I was woken by my husband with 2 sweet cards and a giftbox.  One of the cards was a birthday card, the other a just because card. I must share with you the just because card.  

A little background to the card first. Many of you know that our Chihuahua fur baby, Nacho, passed away over a year ago.  I miss him everyday.  When my hubby was at Walgreens looking for my b-day card, he came across this. 

  
Unreal! What are the chances of finding a card that has your dog’s name and breed, and looks almost identical (see the real Nacho below)?!? Such a sweet reminder that he is looking over me each day. 

 

My hubby purchased a lovely Northface jacket that I can take on our trip up north in a just few weeks. I love it! Then I went on to work as usual after our morning together. There I was showered with love from my amazing team of teachers. They even ordered a yummy lunch for me! This is a big deal in teacherland because we cant leave for lunch. They made it happen though.  I took my class out for recess, even though it wasn’t our regular day to go out, and the kids were like, “but it’s Wednesday!” My reply was “but it’s my Birthday!” Haha. They took it. One of my students even gave me a pretty candle. 

 

When I arrived home from work, my mom had left some things on our kitchen table for me to open. A gift card for a mani/pedi, a fondue set, and an adult coloring book. I cried when I opened the coloring book because I have been wanting a bible verse one for quite awhile now! I have several other types but the bible ones are not as easy to find.  I mentioned it one day to my mom and she remembered, which really made me feel special. Here is a picture of all the spoiling that took place from friends, co-workers, my spouse, and my mom & stepdad…
  
My dad and stepmom also sent me much love from out of state with this adorable Coach clutch, just my style!

  
That evening, my love and I went to dinner. We ordered way too much food! Two appetizers, salads, bread, and our main courses. There was NO way I could do dessert. 

At the end of the night, we booked a getaway to the Gaylord Palms Resort in Orlando. I am thrilled!! We only live a hop, skip, & a jump away from this area, yet we have never been to this resort. I have driven by it millions of times on our way to Disney, but that’s the extent of it. At Christmas time, they go all out. The hotel is an atrium with a massive tree in the center, 22 million lights, and a program they put on called ICE! Its only 9 degrees inside of ICE. Brrrr! I will be sure to post pics of this experience after. 

I seriously havent felt so spoiled in such a long time. I know I have said it before, but I will say it again, I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system in my life!! I think 33 might be my year!!

Keeping it Real 

According to my findings, the average life expectancy rate in the US (2015) is 78 years. Thats it. I thought it would be much longer. Maybe its because I have what is now clear to me to be longevity in my family. My maternal grandparents lived into their 90s and my paternal grandparents are still at it in their 80s.

The statistic is still depressing to me as I sit here on the eve of my 33rd Birthday. The realization that I have lived more than a quarter of my life already, closer to half of it than not, is surreal. And what sinks in the most tonight is that almost half of it will have been lived without the children I so badly desire.  Yet almost a tenth of it spent on trying to reproduce unsuccessfully.  Shitty. 

I am trying to stay positive, but who am I fooling? When it comes to birthdays, they have simply changed for me. I used to love them. My mom always made fun of me for it and joked that it was more like my “birthday month.”  No more. For the first time, this year, I can really say that I just want the day to be over with tomorrow. I wasnt sure how I would feel about it, but as tonight crept up, it started to become clearer and clearer.  

That being said, I would be okay with not hearing any happy birthdays or acknowledgments, as morbid as it all sounds. I even considered staying in my bed for the day, but I wont. Infertility and RPL have such profound effects on what are supposed to be the most special days. I hate it. I hate what they robbed from me. **ck you IF and RPL. 

This blog is about being real, and this is where I am tonight. And Im quite okay with that.