And Then There Was None

Miracle will be 2 yrs old soon. Hard to believe it. I mean how cliche is it to say time flies, but boy is it so true. The past year or so I have found myself struggling through stages of infancy and toddlerhood only to blink and see a new stage upon me and miss the old stage like crazy.

Back in early 2014, we had 18 eggs retrieved via IVF with ICSI, 8 of which made it to day 6 blasts. 7 were put on ice and 1 transferred back fresh at that time. 5 transfers total, 6 embryos miscarried, 1 miracle baby boy & 1 embryo that never implanted.

Our last embryo was transferred back to us early this month. We had high hopes that it would complete our family and bring Miracle a sibling. The cycle failed. I sort of knew going into it that it would not work. That sounds awful, and so much for the power of positive thinking. I blame myself sometimes for my ‘mindset’, that maybe if I had been more positive it would have worked. If I would have taken it a little easier after the transfer. If, if, if.

And of course I blame my body. The actual transfer itself was a nightmare. The catheter would not go in correctly which was never an issue in our prior 4 transfers. I guess since I dilated the full 10cm during labor with Isaac things changed down there. Who knows. Finally it worked but the cramping was not ideal. I wasnt exactly relaxed.

And then there was the quality of the embryo itself. 30% of it did not survive the thaw. The inner cell mass was still in tact as it was the trophectoderm (aka future placenta) that died off. We were told that successful pregnancies have occurred with even 50% not making it and to stay positive. Sigh. It was just another sign in my mind that things wouldnt work.

But the truth is none of this even matters because in reality if it was meant to be it would have been right? So now we pick up the pieces and try to move on from life after IVF. There will be no more IVF for us. It has taken up too much of our lives for too many years and I dont want it anymore. This cycle brought back so many ugly feelings that I remembered all too well once they surfaced. And I dont want those feelings anymore.

16 thoughts on “And Then There Was None

  1. I am so sorry the transfer failed. I can’t imagine all the mixed emotions you must be feeling. However, I applaud you honoring yourself and knowing when it was time to move beyond IVF. I think knowing when to let go of one part of your life that you no longer want, that no longer serves you, is a strength. Recognizing that. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the update. I know it’s not easy. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. You are very strong! Thinking about you and hoping you shake off the self blame because it’s never your fault. You will be OK!

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  3. Wow I can’t believe Isaac is almost 2. But then my twins are almost one, so time truly flies. As for the last transfer, I am so sorry it didn’t work. There is always so much hope for the last embryo to stick. It takes courage to stop treatment even when you know/feel that it’s the right time to stop. I hope that life after IVF with your miracle will still be very fulfilling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry you experienced this last failed transfer. I know that is not how you wanted to close this chapter in your life but I commend you for knowing when your were ready to be done. That is not an easy thing to know (or do)! Wishing you all the best as you continue journeying through life with your miracle!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I too am sorry you had to go through another failed transfer and you are now in a place of trying to make peace with only having one. We too decided we are one and done, and I can honestly say, closing the door on that chapter of our lives has been so liberating. I still wish we could have had another kid, but I absolutely do not wish to re-live the process and the failures. I hope you find peace as a family of three. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Being done with IVF is SO liberating. Its hard to put into words honestly. Im looking forward to finding myself again in life after IVF. Hope all is well & I will start catching up on your posts soon ❤️


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