I have been thinking about writing this post all week, but really dont know how to put my grief into words. No, this isnt about our new bundle of joy that means the world to us. He is doing great. 

This is about the struggle that stays with you after you become a mom…dealing with loss and infertility after motherhood.

Two years ago today, I underwent my last d & c at 10 weeks pregnant. It was our 3rd Frozen Embryo Transfer, and we thought we were almost out of the woods (or first trimester). I wont rehash all of the awful details with our loss, you can read about them in our archives back in March of 2015 if you are in a place where you need to relate. If you are, my prayers go out to you. However, I will say that this February day back in 2015 still haunts, or hurts me deeply. 

I sat in the bathtub last night, when I should have been relaxing after a long day filled with cluster feeds, dirty diapers, cries and sweet rainbow baby coos, only to find myself grieving deeply. 

You see, having a baby doesnt replace losing one. Having a miracle in your arms actually makes you wonder even more about what your other child would have been. All the moments you are enjoying now that you lost with them. There is even a smidge of guilt mixed in with the grief. 

We will never know why we lost Isaacs brother that winter day a few years ago, or why we lost all 5 of his other siblings before that. All we can do is thank God for what we have and cherish it even more. Pray for peace for all the babies taken too soon, and for all the moms that became moms the second those embryos were placed inside of them…regardless of the outcome. You are a mother even though many might not recognize it. The love starts way before the baby arrives. Losing many and now having one has made me realize it even more. 

Rest in peace Isaiah William with all the other angels gone too soon 💙 today we think of you 💙

27 thoughts on “Grief

  1. I get this. February 26th is actually the third anniversary this year of our first loss (three f’ing years already!) and for the past two years it’s been a sad day where I go off and do something by myself, like a massage and I indulge in bad food. Now we have our little babe so it will be different but it’s still a sad anniversary. I don’t know how it will go yet. And I wonder all the time if our other babes would have looked like him. Sigh.
    Thinking of you and your little ones too… I like to think that perhaps all of the babies that were gone too soon are all hanging out together flying kites and swinging on swing sets and being joyful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So very sorry. This is insightful for me as I recently had a miscarriage. I am blessed with two toddlers and we talk about trying again. It’s nice to hear your thoughts on what it’s like after a birth following a loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thank you for your open honestly in this post. I’m so sorry for the loss of your children, and while a new baby is a blessing, like you said, it is not a replacement. I pray that you get through this, and find solace.

    Liked by 1 person

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