I Will Never Forget 

Although we have finally made it to a point in our pregnancy where we are very hopeful we will bring our rainbow baby home, it doesnt mean I will ever forget. 

I’ll never forget the sleepless nights dreaming of what it would be like to become pregnant and watch my belly grow. To feel life inside of me. 

I’ll never forget the desperation every month to see 2 pink lines. The timed intercourse over & over again, the old wives tales I held on to, organic foods I stuffed myself with, and the vitamins I overdosed with time & time again. 

I’ll never forget the disappointment and heartache month after month when it never happened on its own. Ever. 

I’ll never forget how scary every single treatment I had was. Every shot, ultrasound, IV of anesthesia, blood draw, d & c, egg retrieval, fibroid removal, hysteroscopy, HSG, tube removal, MRI, SIS, and transfer.

The various emotions I felt monthly, if not daily…bitterness, denial, hope, sadness, excitement, fear, anger, love, jealousy, peace, rage, the list goes on. 

I’ll never forget all the 2 week waits and the bargains I tried to make with God. If you….then I’ll…

I’ll never forget all the arguments and money spent trying to have a baby, something that should be so easy. 

I’ll never forget how I had to put my career on hold to be able to carry our baby. Something most women can do without a problem. Why couldnt I be normal too? 

I’ll never forget all the tears shed every pregnancy that was stolen from us.

I’ll never forget what it was like to hold my breath everytime I went to the bathroom pregnant, praying for no blood. 

I’ll never forget all the family and friend gatherings I avoided over the years to remain somewhat sane. 

I’ll never forget the anger and why’s I yelled out to God. 

I’ll never forget all of the endless trips to the doctor and psychologist. The anxiety attacks, nightmares, and medications that followed. 

I’ll never forget all the nights I tried to self numb my pain and distract myself but it never worked. Shopping trips, yoga, girls nights, drinks, date nights, you name it. 

I’ll never forget all of those pregnancy announcements that seemed to come so easy for some. The endless bump shots and ultrasound photos I couldnt bare to see at times. 

I’ll never forget what it feels like to be left behind or misunderstood. Gut wrenching. 

I’ll never forget the conversations based solely around kids and being the only one in the group without one. Trying to find an excuse to get away before bursting into tears. 

I’ll never forget what it was like to fake a smile just to get through the days without having to explain. 

I’ll never forget the support of those who picked me up when I needed it the most. 

I’ll never forget all of the people in this community who helped me realize I wasnt alone. Oh the gratitude. 

I’ll never forget all the babies we lost. Every date is forever in my heart. 

I’ll never forget that we are in fact infertiles and suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. 

And I’ll never truly feel we “beat infertility” as it will always be a part of us. Always. 

29 thoughts on “I Will Never Forget 

  1. Reblogged this on North of Wrigley and commented:
    This post was delivered to my inbox today from a blog I follow call Surviving Infertility. The title of the article is “I Will Never Forget”… It’s a concept that I have often thought about over the last 2 years- will I forget this terrible pain that I’m experiencing now? Will it be overriden by the joy of a little one in my arms?

    I saw a quote the other day that read something along the lines of “To suffer is to be human.” The fact that so many of my IF sisters are marred by their journeys is something I find to be complete unfair and yet, I find the strength that we have gained from it to be one of the most beautiful and empowering emotions that I have ever experienced.

    As I make my way through my second round of IVF, I will say that, though I obviously wish that I never had to experience it in the first place, I am proud of the pain that I have experienced. I will wear it like a badge for the rest of my life. Without it, I might have never known how incredibly strong I could be and for that, I am grateful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is how I feel every time I feel a kick or get to see my baby on the ultrasound. I remember every terrible second of our four year infertility journey, say a little prayer of gratitude, and send my positive thoughts out there to everyone else still on the journey. Very well said!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Honestly, I could be the author of this. To the T, this has been my journey. I am still awaiting my rainbow, but this couldn’t have been more beautifully said. Thank you thank you thank you, for being so open. It truly does give so much hope to those who are at their lowest.

    Liked by 1 person

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