Radio Silence

This is probably the longest I have gone without blogging in quite some time.

Before I begin, it is important that I say that I do not by any means want to take away from the wonderful fact that we are now 17 weeks pregnant…I still can’t believe it and thank God numerous times a day. 

However, my mindset changes daily… I go from being on cloud 9 to crying my eyes out.  I am sure a lot of this is the normal hormonal pregnant woman, but I believe some of it is also due to our past.  I never had any idea how hard pregnancy after loss would actually be. When you are so used to things going wrong, it’s difficult to believe things are finally going right.  In addition to being naive about the challenges of pregnancy after loss, I was also quite naive about how I would feel so much better (mentally) once I got out of the first trimester. All I can say to that is…YEA RIGHT (sarcastically).  Instead of early loss, you just worry about late loss.  As a recurrent miscarrier, unfortunately those fears don’t just disappear the farther along you get.

Despite the roller coaster ride of emotions, things have been pretty uneventful the past few weeks.  At 16 weeks, I officially stopped taking all forms of progesterone. Since I was on triple progesterone, my RE weaned me off one at a time.  First was the Crinone at 12 weeks, then the PIO shots at 14 weeks, and finally the Prometrium at 16 weeks.  I was incredibly nervous to go off at first…wondering “will my body do what it needs to do???”  Thankfully, so far it has and I haven’t had any bleeding from it, or from the Placenta Previa.  

In the meantime, I also started back up on the Baby Aspirin to prevent any clotting since my Sub-Chorionic is long gone (my RE took me off it back when that was around) and I am a heterogeneous carrier for a Prothrombin disorder. Other than the baby aspirin, I am just taking my prenatal and Folgard.  It’s so weird not to be taking a million pills a day! To be honest, I cried when I put away my pill boxes, band-aids, gauze pads, syringes, and alcohol wipes.  Not because I was sad to be done with them (Im not that crazy), but because of the many tough days and nights associated with them.

In order to keep tabs on my cervix, I have been seeing either my OB or the MFM every week. Today we saw the MFM doc for our anatomy scan.  I guess he prefers to do them a little earlier than usual.  I had to use my doppler before the appointment to calm my nerves.  The scan lasted about 30 minutes and hubby and I got some great pics of miracle.

The tech keep commenting on how active he was, so she was having trouble getting the pics of his brain that she needed.  She had to tap my stomach with the wand a few times to get him to move out of the way, which of course freaked me out.  I barely touch my stomach, let alone tap on it.  Yes, I know baby is protected, but still. Not taking any chances here.  Anyways, he finally cooperated and she got what she needed!

We met with the doctor right after, and he thoroughly went through each image with us.  Baby boy looked normal, or as I like to call it, perfect, in all areas.  He was even measuring a week ahead in some places.  My due date has gone from Christmas day, to the 23rd, to now the 20th.  Speaking of due dates,  we were pretty sure a C-section was the way we would be bringing our son into the world (due to my prior fibroid surgery and the previa).  Well, after speaking with my RE this past week about the specifics of my fibroid removal, it appears we may have a chance of delivering vaginally still.  Here is the email we received from her…

So, if the Previa moves up as most do as the pregnancy progresses, we wont be scheduled for a section anymore.  It seems like we will just be taking it a day at a time with this, and make decisions as we go.  Although my main concern is that baby enters this world safely, I must say I am happy to know that there is a chance I could deliver naturally now.  I feel like so much of this process has been “un-natural” that it would be nice to have something I could do naturally.

The MFM doc laid out his plan for us today.  He said he likes to monitor his IVF patients a little more frequently than not, which means appointments every 2 weeks until about 28 weeks. From his experience, he said that ART patients tend to encounter more placenta problems than non-ART patients. I didnt ask too much about what these problems could be, Id rather just not know unless needed. Unnecessary anxiety! 

The next appointment we will look more in depth at the heart (he did confirm all 4 chambers were there today), the appointment after that we will do a vaginal swab that tests for any trace of pre-term labor chemicals, along with continual cervix checks.  My cervix was at 3.8 today…anything over 3 is good.  Praying it stays nice and long!

On the home front, exciting things have been taking place! Hubby painted the nursery, and we ordered the carpet and baseboards.  They will be installed in a little over a week. The crib, mattress, and bookshelf have all arrived too.  We won’t be unpacking them until the carpet goes in though.  

Hubby is planning to get the closet organization system in within the next month or so.  I am reallllyyy looking forward to this because currently all the baby clothes are spread out randomly throughout the house.  I can’t wait to see it all come together! And I cannot wait to go in the room and nest a bit too!  I also started our registry which has been a ton of fun.  Thankfully, I have had the assistance of some of my great friends and family members.

Things are happening fast, and we are getting closer to our goal of 24 weeks everyday.  I am always thinking of all the TTC ladies out there, regardless of where you are at in this process.  Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

33 thoughts on “Radio Silence

  1. I can only imagine how hard and frightening it can be…especially with your past. BUT take a breath and look at all of the amazing news you shared in that post โ˜บ! It was all positive! Allow yourself to feel it. And the one line that caught my eye was that you barely touch your stomach. Embrace it and love it! Touch it and hug it every chance you get. That’s your beautiful baby growing in there…waiting to meet you. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a wonderful post! I understand the fear and often use my Doppler or as my hubby calls it the paranoia eliminator… infertility makes pregnancy hard and miscarriages make it even harder I know the feel very well! Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Been thinking about you! So glad you posted. Glad to read that the pregnancy is going well, but sorry you’re feeling all the emotions – it’s completely understandable, but sorry you aren’t able to enjoy this as much as you might if you didn’t have all the problems to get to this point. Take it easy & look after yourself. Hope the bad days get fewer as time progresses. Thinking of you and sending best wishes xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad to hear everything is going well for you, but sorry to hear that it’s still hard to relax. After all you’ve been through it’s not surprising but I hope you’ll feel some relief soon! It’s so great that things are going so great with your little boy so far. Sending very best wishes your way and hope that the down days become fewer as time passes x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I find that I don’t like talking about my pregnancy. I don’t mind talking about it as much now that they’re viable, but I definitely hid the pregnancy until about 20 weeks just so I don’t have to answer questions. In my mind, we’re not in the clear until they’re healthy in my arms.

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  6. Love that your anatomy scan went well! And, of course I can understand your emotions and continuing fears. I always say the fear won’t completely go away until he is born happy and healthy and I’m holding him in my arms! But then once he’s here I’m sure we’ll have a whole new set of worries to deal with – but that’s okay. I can’t wait to see pictures of the nursery (if you decide to share) and see how it’s all coming together.
    Even if your emotions come and go and you have bad days, just remember you are doing the best you can and that is good enough!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so happy for you, baby boy and Hubbie.

    I felt much the same way during pregnancy and I was very reluctant to post about it. I thought if talked about it, those in the trenches of still trying would be turned off and think I was ungrateful. But like you, my pregnancy was not a textbook one and I spent a huge amount of time on bed rest, fighting off contractions. I was terrified.

    My fear lessened around the 7 month mark. I could feel him so much, so often it became my lifeline to letting go of worry. I also knew he had a higher chance of viability then. I’d say the last month I had no ‘extra’ worries – I was like a regular prego.

    After birth I did and still do worry about suffocation, car accidents, and SIDS. I think all of us RPLers worry about SIDS a lot more than average, from what I’ve seen. I wouldn’t say it sucks the joy out of patenting, but I do think my SIDS obsession – because it is more than a worry – has impacted my experience negatively. It’s not all the time! But I feel like I’ve made decisions I wouldn’t have, had I not lost so many pregnancies prior. A good example is sleep. I would probably bed share if all had been easy, but because of my fear and history, I lay in bed with him, stiff as a board, wide awake for hours. I know he LOVES it, so that’s why every few days or so I just bite the bullet and snuggle up with him for a couple of hours, staring at the ceiling ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜•. As luck would have it, he sleeps best and longest when we bed share. But I can’t bring myself to actually sleep.

    I share that to say it’s normal and if you find yourself doing similar stuff, don’t judge yourself or push past your comfort zone – you have a history of knowing the worst can and does happen to attentive, caring people and whatever you need to do to get through pregnancy and then the newborn days is 100% fine.

    I wish I had given myself that permission, so I wanted to pass it on to you ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Its crazy you bring up SIDs because I am already worried about it. I actually ordered some ridiculously expensive mesh mattress (secure beginnings makes it if you want to check it out). Thanks for sharing all your fears, as it makes me feel more normal. Sending love

      Liked by 1 person

      • We’ve spent a lot of money other couples probably wouldn’t spend to feel more secure and every time when I look back at it, I don’t regret it! The SIDS worries when baby is home usually makes sleep harder for you – your mind races with all those hormones – so the $ is well worth it if it brings you peace of mind ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜.

        We set up a mini crib in our room and he slept in a swing due to reflux – we were scared of him throwing up and choking. Plus he’s naturally a tummy sleeper so we needed the glider to distract from the fact that he’d prefer snuggling on his tummy. I’m so glad we did it – it made us feel safer.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so glad to hear an update and glad things are positive! Pregnancy after loss is extremely difficult, that’s for sure! You’re always in my thoughts and I’m so happy for you! Good luck with all your check ups. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So glad all is well with your little miracle. I can totally relate to the pregnancy after loss feelings. I still don’t really feel this pregnancy is real, at 14 weeks. I’m glad that you are showing me that it’s possible! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank u. Isnt pregnancy after loss just so tough? I was reading someones blog the other day and she said that her pregnancy after her loss was harder for her than the loss itself…I could totally relate to what she meant, although I was hesistant that someone who hadnt been pregnant again after loss would.


      • It’s really hard. I think I’m at the stage now (14 weeks) where most people would be revelling in it and telling the world. But I’m not telling people unless I have to and I still don’t trust that it’s actually happening. I hope that I feel better as time goes on!

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