Fears

Surviving Infertility Infertility, , , ,

Tonight, some fears came up between hubby and I in conversation. 

It started when a girl I follow via a FB group posted that she gave birth to a stillborn earlier today.  I was scrolling through, came across it, and a lump immediately formed in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly read it to my hubby. We just stared at each other blankly. 

And then after a few moments, “I dont know if I can handle something like that,” came out of his mouth as he stared at me. 

My hubby never says he cant handle things when its come to all this IVF and pregnancy loss stuff, so I didnt really know what to say.  Usually Im the one saying I cant handle it.

Im not sure how it happened, perhaps it was the fear taking over us, but we ended up getting into a disagreement.  

When we started talking about if that happened to us after all we have already endured, what we would do, what we would not do, how we would cope, move forward, etc. and basically, we were not seeing eye to eye. Im not going to get into all the details, but we ended up deciding it would be better to continue the conversation at another time rather than get more heated. 

Its easy to say we shouldnt be worrying about something that hasnt even happened to us. That its impossible to know how we would react in a situation such as this. To be positive about our future. I get all that. We really try to be.  But when it happens to someone in the community like it did today, it hits home. And the truth is, Ive always been positive about my pregnancies, but that didnt save any of them. Im at the point where I need to be positive, but also realistic.  

Its incredibly frightening to think we could endure another loss. Every loss has been a later loss than the time before. 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 10 weeks. But its also very difficult to think of giving up on our dreams because of our fears. Fear is not from above. 

I guess I just want us to be as united as we can be, no matter what situation, good or bad, comes our way.  

18 thoughts on “Fears”

  1. I know you know all this, but just a few words of support: 🙂

    The chance of stillbirth is there for every parent – there’s no reason to think you have a higher chance than anyone else. The medical issues that have caused your miscarriages are unlikely to impact after a certain point in pregancy, and stillbirth is usually related to genetic conditions in the baby or placenta issues, many of which can be picked up early with good antenatal care.

    However – the fears you talk about are totally understandable. We all feel them, and as you’d know, when you are pregnant, in some ways, the fears grow. They did for me. The first trimester I was terrified in many ways…

    But then I decided that you can’t let fear of what might happen drive you. Your child might be born healthy and then die from cancer or a car accident at the age of 5 or 10. None of us know the future. None of us can control or eliminate that fear. When we try for a family we hand ourselves and our control over to the universe – it’s my view that we must find peace with that. We cannot let the fear consume us.

    Everything in life that’s worth having brings the fear of losing it. That doesn’t mean we live under a rock and fear to try for anything. Bravery is the only option. xo

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  2. Oh my, that is such a sad story that no one deserves to go through. As we are all well aware, life is just not fair. It’s good that you and hubby are having the hard conversations, and even better that you know when to stop and return at a later time. The mark of a great marriage. I wish you luck in communicating through these difficult scenarios (and I hope they never come true).

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  3. I am going to be real honest with you, I had seen all these women lose a baby far along in pregnancy and how they held their babies and all of this. For years I thought I could never in a million years do that. But the truth is I did it. I held Jackson for almost all 2 hours of his life. Yes, on the day of his funeral I sat on the bed and cried while DeWayne there was no way I could physically get up off the bed and do this. I was overcome with emotions, fears, grief, anger you name it I had it.
    To this today over 2.5 years later I cannot tell you how I did any of it. How did I not cry once while he was alive? How did I pick out a headstone for my son instead of decorating a nursery? I have no earthly idea. I have told D several times in this pregnancy if something happens to her I don’t think I could make it. He reminds me we didn’t think we could or would make it at times after Jackson was born, but we did some way some how.
    Life to me is full of fears and unknowns and those can be crippling at times, just as I have written about multiple times. But the thing is this: we can either let the fear stop us from dreaming and having the life we desire or we can take it one day at a time and cross each bridge when we come to it. Praying for you both as I know the fears is oh so very real, but try not to let fear stop you from achieving your life dreams.

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    • I have been thinking about exactly what to say to you Caroline. I still dont even know! You are an amazing mother and woman, and you made me think back to how I used to say I could never manage another loss before our last one. Like you, I managed and looking back I still sometimes wonder how! Its a blur from time to time. But God carried you and I through those times! I know he will be there with us again no matter what happens. Thank you for the encouragement, you are awesome 💙💗

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      • You are absolutely right my dear! Praying neither one of us ever have to walk through a time like that again, but I have complete faith that if we do not only will God walk with us and carry us when we can’t walk, but this community will walk with us as well. Stay positive and keep your heart and eyes on your dreams. As we talked about at church this Sunday, God wants to know the desires of our hearts and wants us to tell Him exactly what we desire. Keep walking in faith and God will lead you.

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  6. Fear always haunt me like a ghost!. When I think it is not there, it is always there with me as a shadow. even though I started Dr.KK’s protocol with hope, everyday I wake up thinking “2 months from now what is going to happen?. Another loss or a healthy pregnancy?”. I am trying to be calm now a days to make myself believe that “This time it is going to be OK”!.
    Wishing you all the best and my heartfelt prayers to you. No one can understand us better than ourselves! Hugs!!

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  7. I lost my healthy baby boy unexpectedly last summer at 33 weeks pregnant from an umbilical cord accident. Stillbirth happens in 1/160 pregnancies, 26,000 times/year in the US (to mostly healthy babies). It’s not common, but not super rare either. Somehow, I’ve survived, though it’s been the most devastating six months of my life. There are so many unknowns with pregnancy and with life in general. I knew pregnancy was a risk going in, and my worst nightmare actually happened to me. It’s terrifying. But I agree with those who say you can’t let fear dictate the decisions you make. Even with the sheer terror I’ll experience in a subsequent pregnancy knowing how bad it feels to lose a baby, I’m still open to it. Because I can’t let the fear control me. But it’s so freaking scary to be certain. Hugs to you.

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