Since our losses, my life has distinct lines drawn in the sand of the events that happened before and after them.
Its almost like my life has been broken into sections, which I hear is quite common with trauma. Unfortunately though, most of my memories have become based around these tragedies. For instance, if someone mentions something that happened years ago, I can place it by recollecting the loss lines I have drawn.
Some of my memory has become so much sharper, like with anniversaries and dates, & such, while other parts of my memory have become so much duller post loss. I can remember certain foods I ate or clothes I wore during my pregnancies/losses. I can remember discussions that took place or peoples facial expressions. I can remember days of the week for appointments years ago. Sometimes my husband thinks Im crazy how well I remember these details. The ironic part is that I am not trying to remember them, I just do.
Here are some events drawn in the sand.
Before pregnancy loss-
- Losing my grandparents
- Losing our family dog, Autumn
- Losing my moms dog, Sophie
- Getting married
- Buying our home
- Finishing my masters degree
- Beginning my teaching career
- Adopting our first dog, Nacho
- Adopting our second dog, Rocket
- Traveling to be in all of my close friends weddings
- TTC on our own
After our 1st loss-
- The death of our dog, Nacho
- Trip to Ohio for my dads 60th birthday
- Starting my 5th year teaching
- Being excited & hopeful for our next transfer
After our 2nd loss-
- Adopting another dog, Jax
- Redoing our master bedroom
- Really getting into yoga
- Questioning my career & doing another transfer
- Getting closer with God
After our 3rd loss-
- Starting this blog
- Coming out & talking about our TTC struggles with friends & family
- Taking a medical leave from work
- Having numerous surgeries done
- Seeing a therapist & various other doctors for anxiety
- Resigning from my current position & taking on a new one
- Becoming less social, drinking less, going out less, etc.
- Taking part in more self-therapy
- Getting closer to my mom
- Getting closer to my hubby
- Discussing options other than IVF for a family
I dont really know the point of this post. I guess it was just something on my mind that I wanted to see on paper. And probably because subconsciously Im hoping that the next line drawn in the sand in our lives is “after bringing baby home” and not “after our 4th loss.”