Lines in the Sand

Since our losses, my life has distinct lines drawn in the sand of the events that happened before and after them.

Its almost like my life has been broken into sections, which I hear is quite common with trauma.  Unfortunately though, most of my memories have become based around these tragedies. For instance, if someone mentions something that happened years ago, I can place it by recollecting the loss lines I have drawn.

Some of my memory has become so much sharper, like with anniversaries and dates, & such, while other parts of my memory have become so much duller post loss.  I can remember certain foods I ate or clothes I wore during my pregnancies/losses. I can remember discussions that took place or peoples facial expressions.  I can remember days of the week for appointments years ago. Sometimes my husband thinks Im crazy how well I remember these details. The ironic part is that I am not trying to remember them, I just do.  

Here are some events drawn in the sand. 

Before pregnancy loss-

  • Losing my grandparents
  • Losing our family dog, Autumn
  • Losing my moms dog, Sophie
  • Getting married 
  • Buying our home 
  • Finishing my masters degree 
  • Beginning my teaching career 
  • Adopting our first dog, Nacho
  • Adopting our second dog, Rocket
  • Traveling to be in all of my close friends weddings 
  • TTC on our own 

After our 1st loss-

  • The death of our dog, Nacho
  • Trip to Ohio for my dads 60th birthday
  • Starting my 5th year teaching 
  • Being excited & hopeful for our next transfer 

After our 2nd loss- 

  • Adopting another dog, Jax
  • Redoing our master bedroom 
  • Really getting into yoga 
  • Questioning my career & doing another transfer 
  • Getting closer with God

After our 3rd loss-

  • Starting this blog
  • Coming out & talking about our TTC struggles with friends & family
  • Taking a medical leave from work
  • Having numerous surgeries done
  • Seeing a therapist & various other doctors for anxiety
  • Resigning from my current position & taking on a new one 
  • Becoming less social, drinking less, going out less, etc. 
  • Taking part in more self-therapy 
  • Getting closer to my mom 
  • Getting closer to my hubby 
  • Discussing options other than IVF for a family

I dont really know the point of this post. I guess it was just something on my mind that I wanted to see on paper. And probably because subconsciously Im hoping that the next line drawn in the sand in our lives is “after bringing baby home” and not “after our 4th loss.”  

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16 thoughts on “Lines in the Sand

  1. What a profound line.. “Since our losses, my life has distinct lines drawn in the sand of the events that happened before and after them.” I very much feel the same way as that. I know every life event based on each and every loss. Sending love. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve done the same. Pre IVF and loss was the loss of my parents. Then I had a good ‘run’ until IVF and then it was loss after loss. I think the thing that got me was that after a couple I lost my resilience. Losing my resilience was the proverbial nail in the coffin. After that I started using destructive coping mechanisms on a more regular basis until they became the default.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are not alone in these feelings. I think it’s very normal when you’ve experienced loss to have a black and white before and after. I am so sorry that you have this distinct line and I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I do like how most of the points you mentioned were positive and glad to see you in a positive mind set right now 🙂 this year is your year for your rainbow baby I just know it !!!

    Liked by 1 person

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