Keeping it Real 

According to my findings, the average life expectancy rate in the US (2015) is 78 years. Thats it. I thought it would be much longer. Maybe its because I have what is now clear to me to be longevity in my family. My maternal grandparents lived into their 90s and my paternal grandparents are still at it in their 80s.

The statistic is still depressing to me as I sit here on the eve of my 33rd Birthday. The realization that I have lived more than a quarter of my life already, closer to half of it than not, is surreal. And what sinks in the most tonight is that almost half of it will have been lived without the children I so badly desire.  Yet almost a tenth of it spent on trying to reproduce unsuccessfully.  Shitty. 

I am trying to stay positive, but who am I fooling? When it comes to birthdays, they have simply changed for me. I used to love them. My mom always made fun of me for it and joked that it was more like my “birthday month.”  No more. For the first time, this year, I can really say that I just want the day to be over with tomorrow. I wasnt sure how I would feel about it, but as tonight crept up, it started to become clearer and clearer.  

That being said, I would be okay with not hearing any happy birthdays or acknowledgments, as morbid as it all sounds. I even considered staying in my bed for the day, but I wont. Infertility and RPL have such profound effects on what are supposed to be the most special days. I hate it. I hate what they robbed from me. **ck you IF and RPL. 

This blog is about being real, and this is where I am tonight. And Im quite okay with that. 

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16 thoughts on “Keeping it Real 

  1. I totally hear you about the milestones- birthdays included. They just signify more time that had passed without your deepest hope and dream being fulfilled. The only thing I will say is the next two thirds or more ( sounds like with your genes) better be so super spectacular they make up for this hard time. And I have faith it will. The only solace we gain through this struggle is intense gratitude and perspective when it is finally over. And those two things are a great recipe for enjoying life to the fullest. Thinking of you my friend. Hope the day passes quickly and even possibly surprises you by not being horrible :).

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  2. I agree with mamjo … It’s okay to not put on a smile tonight or tomorrow. The older I get, I want the birthdays to go quietly too. Especially with the IF monkey on my back. There will likely be something small to enjoy tomorrow, even if it’s just some guilt-free sugar 🙂

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  3. Won’t say happy birthday today and I almost posted on your personal Facebook before reading your blog so just know that I’m thinking of you today and my birthday before the last was like that, just miserable and I felt like a failure and I wished for a baby on the candle on my cake I blew out and 3 days later we baby danced for that cycle and 2 weeks after it was confirmed we would be parents to mr. Sawyer 🙂 sounds crazy I know. Just know I’m thinking of you today and hope the day goes how you want it to 🙂

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  4. If I lived closer, I would totally drop over your house with a big bottle of wine, sappy chick flicks, and a box of Kleenex and commiserate with you on turning 33, childlessness, loss, infertility, all of it. I send you e-wine and e-hugs instead my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I totally get how you feel. I didn’t even put up my cards this year, I just kept thinking ‘that’s another year gone’ in a very morbid way… but anyway this is not about me- I hope you can do something which makes you feel happy but isn’t specifically birthday related – snuggles with your doggies or something like that. Big hugs xx

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  6. While I can’t relate to the IF side of things, I can absolutely understand the dread and sadness that comes with each passing birthday. I’ve lost both of my parents and my older sister alone the way to the age I am now. With each birthday that passes I think, “Bethany should have turned 20… 25… 30… this year.” I hate being older than my big sister. It doesn’t seem right or fair and it makes me angry each birthday.

    I pray that you don’t have too many more birthdays ahead without the precious child/ren you hope for!

    Liked by 1 person

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