I caught myself singing along happily to the radio as I drove to work this morning. Lets just say that hasnt happened in a loonnng time…
I noticed how I felt full inside, I felt hopeful, peaceful, and content about my future. As I realized how I felt, I thanked God that I do (even though it still puzzles me that I am feeling this way). For once, I do not feel any pressure or the urge to do something.
Thats when I decided that I will continue to enjoy living in these happy moments as they come instead of doubting them. I say this because this morning it dawned on me that one day things will likely all be so different.
One day I will have my babies to feed as I try to wolf down my own meal.
One day I will have my babies to change as I yearn for a shower or a bubble bath that is almost unheard of.
One day I will have my babies to put to bed and wake up with numerous times a night as I am in a half dead, sleep deprived state.
One day I will take them to their very first day of school as I rush to get ready for my own first day with my students.
One day I will watch them play sports, help them with their homework, listen to their stories, and cook them dinner after a long day of my own.
One day I will lay smashed in my bed with our kids, dogs, and us, trying to remember what it was like just the two of us.
One day I will I will hear laughs, screams, cries, and noises all day and all night, forgetting what the silence I now know is like.
One day I will be spending all of my money on field trips, school supplies, clothes, and toys instead of purses, jewelry, and spontaneous getaways.
Would anyone in the infertile world want to miss out on any of these “one day” moments I described for the latter “all about me” moments I described?
Of course not; I cant wait for those wonderful, one day moments. I dream about them all the time. And I know that all of the moms out there are thinking, “I wouldnt trade them for the world.” I get it, because I consider myself a mom although my children never walked the Earth.
But I used to dream about many of the moments I am living now, too.
I used to dream of owning our own home.
I used to dream of marrying my husband and knowing I would get to sleep next to him every night.
I used to dream of having a career where I could teach and make a difference in kids lives.
I used to dream of getting my masters degree and teaching at a college.
I used to dream of being able to have the funds to go shopping, and travel on my own schedule.
All of these moments came true, even though at times they seemed almost out of reach.
My point is that today, as I sung to that radio, I felt at TOTAL peace that my “one day” moments with our babies will come. Its like something just clicked. How amazing is that? I think its pretty amazing!
So, in the meantime, I am going to try and keep enjoying all of the moments I earned -that once seemed impossible- instead of focusing on the ones I dont have.