Enjoying the Moments

I caught myself singing along happily to the radio as I drove to work this morning. Lets just say that hasnt happened in a loonnng time…

I noticed how I felt full inside, I felt hopeful, peaceful, and content about my future. As I realized how I felt, I thanked God that I do (even though it still puzzles me that I am feeling this way). For once, I do not feel any pressure or the urge to do something. 

Thats when I decided that I will continue to enjoy living in these happy moments as they come instead of doubting them.  I say this because this morning it dawned on me that one day things will likely all be so different.

One day I will have my babies to feed as I try to wolf down my own meal.

One day I will have my babies to change as I yearn for a shower or a bubble bath that is almost unheard of.

One day I will have my babies to put to bed and wake up with numerous times a night as I am in a half dead, sleep deprived state.

One day I will take them to their very first day of school as I rush to get ready for my own first day with my students.

One day I will watch them play sports, help them with their homework, listen to their stories, and cook them dinner after a long day of my own.

One day I will lay smashed in my bed with our kids, dogs, and us, trying to remember what it was like just the two of us. 

One day I will I will hear laughs, screams, cries, and noises all day and all night, forgetting what the silence I now know is like. 

One day I will be spending all of my money on field trips, school supplies, clothes, and toys instead of purses, jewelry, and spontaneous getaways. 

Would anyone in the infertile world want to miss out on any of these “one day” moments I described for the latter “all about me” moments I described? 

Of course not; I cant wait for those wonderful, one day moments.  I dream about them all the time.  And I know that all of the moms out there are thinking, “I wouldnt trade them for the world.” I get it, because I consider myself a mom although my children never walked the Earth.  

But I used to dream about many of the moments I am living now, too.

I used to dream of owning our own home.

I used to dream of marrying my husband and knowing I would get to sleep next to him every night.

I used to dream of having a career where I could teach and make a difference in kids lives.

I used to dream of getting my masters degree and teaching at a college. 

I used to dream of being able to have the funds to go shopping, and travel on my own schedule. 

All of these moments came true, even though at times they seemed almost out of reach.

My point is that today, as I sung to that radio, I felt at TOTAL peace that my “one day” moments with our babies will come. Its like something just clicked. How amazing is that? I think its pretty amazing! 

So, in the meantime, I am going to try and keep enjoying all of the moments I earned -that once seemed impossible- instead of focusing on the ones I dont have. 

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20 thoughts on “Enjoying the Moments

  1. Yay! I have had the odd moment like that too. Its like all of a sudden I can somehow see further down the twisty road and I can see my destination is coming. I just have a few more crazy miles to get through.

    Its amazing to be in that moment. I am so glad to hear that you had that special feeling today. Hold on to that feeling as you trudge forward. All your dreams will come true!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I am going to try to. This is the first time after any of our 3 losses that we arent actively prepping for another cycle and I have been excited to just live each day. Its def not the norm for me, and Im afraid I will wake up and be back where I was. I hope u can feel some of Gods peace in your everyday little things too soon 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This post seriously makes me so happy!!! I have always seemed your future and I know it’s going to be incredible but thrilled your just living in this moment you have now and greatful at that!

    Alot of people have said stupid stuff for rich and I going out of town for my birthday, just the two of us and leaving my almost 4 month old with riches mom, but we needed it! I love sawyer more then life, you know that and I prayed like hell for this little boy but it was nice not to tip toe around the house, not have to whipe someone butt, feed them, change them, give them a bath, fold the laundry, we got to ride around with the windows down, enjoy a meal out without having to worry if he wakes up, sleep in and just be married, just the 2 of us like we had before sawyer was born.

    This day you will remember forever!!!!! I had a day like that driving to the fertility clinic, trying for sawyer. I was praying before my visit on the road there and a song came on the radio and I just stopped, rolled the windows down on 95 and sang at the top of my lungs and enjoyed the moment because I trusted God that everything I was doing would be worth it one day and I would miss it being just rich and I and just me. I rode the rest of the way there in silence because I wanted to remember what it felt like to be JUST ME. I have never forgot that day and every time that song comes on sawyer is always in the car with me and sleeping (thank God lol) and I can’t just bust the windows down and sing at the top of my lungs I have to keep driving and keep the radio low but I smile because I remember that day and how it felt ! 🙂

    This is all going to work, I just know it !!!

    Liked by 1 person

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