I took a little trip to my therapist before my RE appt. yesterday. I was quite overdue. It felt great to catch up & vent to an outside source for a bit. As I left, I told her, “thank you, I needed this today!”
The last thing Dr. G knew was that we were doing our FET this month. She probably figured I was anxiety driven about the transfer or an early pregnancy when I asked to come see her. Instead, she got an earful on a totally different scenario! She described it as going from a green light to a BIG red. Yes, yes, indeed, Doc!
She asked me how I was feeling about the red light on the FET, the Adenomyoma being back, the gestational carrier talk. I told her that I surpisingly think I am doing OK. I told her I hadnt even cried much, compared to how I was crying months ago. I explained to her how I seem to be smiling more, focusing on things unrelated to pregnancy, talking about things unrelated to pregnancy, doing things unrelated to it, etc. I told her maybe I am just numb now.
Thats when she jumped in. She told me she wanted to create 2 frames. After she described each, we could discuss which one I think I am in.
Frame 1-A Negative Frame on Numbness
I am numb to the pain, meaning I no longer feel it or care much about it. I am no longer sad, or hurt, worried or angry about any of the news received. Basically, no more feelings. I am numb to what has happened and is happening in regards to RPL and IF. It doesnt affect or bother me.
Frame 2-A Positive Frame on Numbness
I am actively coping by showing resilience and strength. This should not be mistaken for not hurting. I am still hurting badly, but I make a choice everyday to live while I am suffering. I can choose to cry all day, stay in bed, and cut myself off from the world, or I can choose to be happy, help others, and stay active. Its not easy by any means but I am making my negative as positive as I can.
I chose frame 2! Thats when I realized I am proud of myself. Dr. G agreed, and said I am definetly learning how to be an active coper and she sees what progress I have made/am making. Now, this does not mean I am not allowed to have bad days, or moments, sort of like a relapse. I am going to and its OK.
From now on, she encouraged me to look at what I initially called “numbness” in a more positive light, “coping.” She also pointed out how powerful it is to share this with others who are also struggling in their lives. You can choose to be OK, no matter what the circumstance!
I went on to discuss my fears about if the mass doesnt go away, if we transfer again and it doesnt work, if i miscarry, if we use a carrier and it doesnt work, etc. I feel like I am in a good place and dont want to go back to crying all day and barely being able to get out of bed. She asked me if it is necessary to ask all of those questions at once. Its not, but that is so me. Dr.G confirmed by asking me if I like to watch the previews of movies, or read the inside cover and back covers of books, or if I like to be surprised more. I ALWAYS watch the previews (my husband hates it) and I honestly have a hard time not opening up to the last page and reading the last page of a book…awful I know! Working on it. Since I always want to know how things end, Dr. G encouraged me to write the last page of my story. I LOVE this idea!
Next, we touched on self-care. Dr.G was curious if my body is being used more for science than for my own enjoyment. I had never really thought of it, but when she brought it up, I gave it some thought and I think its possible it is more scientific than not. She suggested for every poke and/or prod, I could go to the gym, take a yoga class, ride my bike, enjoy an activity outside with our dogs, pretty much be physically active. I was doing much better with this in the summer than since I have been back to work. However, since I am now aware of the science v. pleasure battle currently taking place with my body, I am going to try and make some more effort here.
There were other things we touched on, but overall I am pleased with the summary I have given. Thanks for reading!