Could it be a Sign?

Last week, I posted how much I believe in dreams.  Yesterday, I posted how indecisive and worried I am about making the decision about which clinic we will move forward at.  I also discussed how I am praying God will make it clear to us which path to take.  

Last night I had another dream.  Or maybe I should say a nightmare.  It was about our current clinic. They had scheduled another Hysteroscopy to perform on me before we did another FET.  It was a total disaster.  It took 2 months for them to get me in for it, which I was clearly not happy with.  The day the H/S was originally scheduled for, they put me under anesthesia and I awoke only to hearing them say they couldn’t do the procedure because they didn’t have the necessary tools at hand. So, my mom drove me back the next day for them to try to do it again.

When we arrived the next day, we were informed that our RE was MIA.  So, we sat and waited for hours.  Finally, our familiar nurse called us back.  As I usually do before any procedure, I asked her to make sure I was out of it and wouldn’t feel anything during it. She proceeded to tell me that I could not receive any anesthesia because I had some the day before when they were not able to perform the H/S.  I started to throw a fit, demanding it.  She asked me to leave and told me that they would call me later in the day after she talked with our RE.

We left. My mom and I drove around for hours (since we do not live in the area, we couldn’t go home).  I kept calling the clinic and no one would pick up.  Finally, my mom drive back so we could confront them.  She was not happy about all of this either.  When I walked in, I saw another familiar staff member. I started angrily telling her that it took us 2 months to get in for this, now I have missed 2 days of work, you tell me I can’t have anesthesia and to leave, and I still haven’t seen my RE! After this rant, she asked me who I was.  Like she didn’t know! SMH. I started shouted as I was crying, “You know who I am! Do you not remember what we have been through?!” She tried to cut me off and I interjected, “No! You will listen to me! We have had 3 IVF losses here at this clinic! Do you want us to take our embryos someplace else?!” No reply.

This nurse called for the other nurse at this point, as I was extremely irate. She said they would give me the anesthesia, but that my usual RE would not be the one to do the procedure.  Some creepy guy came in and started speaking another language to me.  I couldn’t understand a word he said.  Supposedly, he was the RE in place of my usual one.  He quickly inserted a needle into my arm and I started to zone out.  I knew I was going under, and I told him, “that’s enough..no more!” I felt like I was going to die from too much.  Then I was out.

The procedure was horrific. I will spare the details, but the end result was my uterus being damaged beyond repair.  When I awoke, I found myself walking through a dark alley with my current RE.  She questioned me, “what happened? Are you okay?” We nicely conversated back and forth and she told me that she didn’t think I was ready to move forward with another transfer.  And then, I woke up.

Could this be a sign that I asked for? My husband seems to think so. Or am I totally over analyzing things? I need some feedback friends.

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14 thoughts on “Could it be a Sign?

  1. It could be your sub conscious giving you the answer that you already know in your heart. You’ve really liked how the new RE has handled things so far and that he’s not only willing but seems to want to work with your team of Dr.’s so you have the best chance possible going forward. That speaks volumes to me. Only you and hubby can decide what to do, but a fresh start with someone new, may be exactly what you need right now.

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    • Yes, i suppose it could be a confirmation of some sort. And you are correct, we really have nothing negative to report about the new clinic like we do with the current. We do want to have the best shot moving ahead. Thanks for pointing these things out again. I appreciate your support!

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  2. I dont think dreams can predict future, but I do believe dreams are our subconcious mind acting out our fear. What you experienced must be all the angst and trauma and fear.
    Maybe it is a sign that you are not mentally ready to go there yet.
    I dont know, sometimes the mind tells us what we fear to hear in the weirdest ways.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree, i dont think they predict future either. I do feel they hold some pretty strong meaning though like u said. I am thinking my subconscious must be telling me how much trauma i really do associate with my current clinic. Also, that perhaps my current RE will be just fine with me leaving, since she told me she doesnt think i am ready to move forward. Im gonna take that as her way of telling me she is OK with us moving on to the new clinic. Thank u for the feedback!

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  3. I have a lot of these kind of dreams. If I based my care on them, I’d still be hiding in my bed LOL.

    That said, this dream shows you have a lot of anxiety about all of this. You would be a robot if you didn’t. I get these dreams when I need to focus on something else, when it’s still swimming in my head when I go to sleep. But none of my dreams have resulted in irreparable uterine damage!

    I swtiched REs after a year of IUIs, so I definitely understand being able to trust and feel confident in a clinic, and maybe the losses are enough to push you over the edge, fair or not. But both of my choices were good, and reality is there is just so much that can’t be controlled in IVF.

    Think about your anxiety rationally. Think about what issues matter to you. For me, assuming stats and success are about the same, a nursing staff that responds was most important. My doctor and my nurse don’t have the best bedside manner, but I know they’ll return my calls. You have to pick what matters to you. I would pick the dirtiest, meanest, most far away clinic if the stats were better.

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    • U have motivated me to create a list, “what matters most to us/me in a clinic”. So rational but sometimes i forget to be rational i guess. I cant imagine having crazy dreams like this often (about treatment that is), this was my first! What u said is true-i do have a lot of anxiety about this decision and i dont think the losses have helped any. I also stress about moving the embryos to a new facility a lot. Hopefully these feelings will subside soon and we will feel peace. Thanks so much for the input/suggestions!

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  4. I honestly think your headed in the right direction and it’s so nice to see a breath of fresh air! This new RE sounds amazing and has really made sure all the bases are covered and it’s great it’s humble enough to ask for second opinions and to work with a team of doctors. Trust me, have gone to your current RE and experiencing my own fertility struggled first hand you are deff moving in the right direction, I said you should have gotten out of that place a long time ago. I really feel like great things are brewing and keep praying strong for you! 🙂

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    • Yea, its crazy how I remembered such little details. I did blog as soon as I woke up, maybe that helps too haha! On a serious note, I think you are right–something deep down is tugging at me, just need to pinpoint exactly what it is now. Thanks 😊

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