Where’s My Happy Ending???

Warning: This post might be a little negative Nelly.  I try to keep it upbeat, but lets be real, sometimes it’s just not possible.

Lately, I have been pitying myself.  I was doing really great, and then BAM! Pity party time. Maybe it’s all the success stories coming in. Don’t get me wrong, I love success stories, because they give me hope…without them, what do you have to look forward to? But at the same time, one comes to a point where they have to ask, “WHERE’S MY HAPPY ENDING?” 

Yea, yea, I get that a happy ending is what you make it out to be.  But in our minds, right now, our happy ending is achieving our family.  And ideally, sooner than later.  I personally think we have waited long enough, but the big man upstairs must disagree with me.  Right now, we are in total “limbo” mode as to what is even going on with our clinic, another FET, etc. We have no set plan of action.  Time just keeps on.  And as it does, we are bombarded with the announcements of others pregnancies, deliveries, IUI, IVF, and FET cycles gearing up.  Shoot, most of our friends are going on having their 2nd, 3rd, even 4th kid. And here we are, still dying just for 1. 1 pregnancy that can make it full term and yield a healthy baby.  Just 1.

I’ve been reading a lot of posts about couples who tried for years upon years to conceive, went on to do IUI’s that failed, then finally did IVF, and got their miracle baby on the first try.  In other words, they got their “happy ending.”  I see less and less of the stories of couples who are in our shoes getting their happy ending.  And to be honest, it is hard not to get discouraged.  Where are all the happy endings of those who have tried on their own for many years, failed IUI’s, and then recurrently miscarried off IVF’s?  If you are reading this, and it’s you, please share!

This morning, we got this….


That’s right, a BFN.  Stark white.  I tested on day 26 of my cycle, so technically I am 2 days early.  That doesn’t matter though.  I know I’m not pregnant.  I have been pregnant before, and thus, I know what it feels like.  Plus, I have studied HCG levels enough to know that I should have at least 25ml in my system by now to show even the faintest line on a test using fresh morning urine. Negative.

We did the deed as we should, I ovulated as I should, and a few days after ovulation, I even felt dizzy! Dizziness is a tell tale sign for me that I am pregnant early on (like during implantation early on).  And, for one split second, I thought it actually could have worked.  My husband told me he thought I was pregnant for sure.  What a great Fathers Day/Bday present that would have been for him!

It’s been awhile since we have felt the monthly highs and lows of TTC at home, praying day in and day out that Aunt Flow will take a long vacation.  Can I tell you how quickly I am reminded how much I don’t miss it?  Anyone who has played this game knows exactly what I am talking about.  Timed intercourse. Examining CM. Tracking your body temperature. Thinking this month is THE month, watching everything you eat, analyzing every little twinge you feel, dreaming of what a miracle it would be if this wish could just come true.  Imagining what it would be like after all we have been through to just have it happen on our own at home, just like that?  Well, not this time.  Who were we kidding? There will be no happy ending for us yet again this month.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Where’s My Happy Ending???

  1. I feel for you, I really do. We get on this roller coaster going up (fertile window), only to come soaring back down with AF and BFNs month after month after month. “Pressing on” doesn’t mean we never have low moments or pity parties; emotions are real and some days, you just have to feel them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry. I feel your frustration and your hurt. I have seen so many pregnancy announcements this year. More than I think I have in my entire life. I have a group of girlfriends all on different parts of this journey, 3 of which are now pregnant. I am honestly beyond truly happy for those 3. And lately that “when’s it my turn?” thought has started trying to creep in. I agree with the above post, some days you just have to let yourself feel what you are feeling and not try to be strong and positive. Just be real .With yourself, with others, and with your Lord. God will step in and revive your hope for you again when you can’t. He is faithful. I am praying for you.
    “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end – it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:3.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I am so sorry u are going through this too. Its crazy how many people are pregnant now–like a baby boom or something! It is hard, because u are happy for them but u arent happy with your situation. Your message made me cry bc that verse is so touching! And u are right, God will get me through these hard days. I will pray for u too.

      Like

  3. You have every right to be frustrated and annoyed!! Sometimes all the reality of all of this is just such a downer, so every now and again I think it’s okay to feel bad about all of it – I think the trick is to try to pull yourself out of it before you get too deep. Sending you love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I think so too. Even though we are strong women fighting these diseases of IF and/or RPL, we need our moments of self pity. Today was one of those days for me! Im hoping tomorrow will be better. Thank u for the well wishes!

      Like

  4. I am sorry, Hon. I know where you’re coming from on seeing everyone else’s happy endings. I’m so happy to see all these birth and pregnancy announcements from our blogging friends, but it’s difficult to know, that most likely, we will never achieve pregnancy. Sending you big hugs and letting you know, that it’s okay to be sad about it. Sometimes, a Girl just needs to throw herself a pity party!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry hun. I know I am a little late, I am just catching up on all my reading now, but I know exactly how you felt/feel. I have these same thoughts almost everyday, that someone forgot about me and my husband and our happy ending, and I hope they remember us soon. Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s