Warning: This post might be a little negative Nelly. I try to keep it upbeat, but lets be real, sometimes it’s just not possible.
Lately, I have been pitying myself. I was doing really great, and then BAM! Pity party time. Maybe it’s all the success stories coming in. Don’t get me wrong, I love success stories, because they give me hope…without them, what do you have to look forward to? But at the same time, one comes to a point where they have to ask, “WHERE’S MY HAPPY ENDING?”
Yea, yea, I get that a happy ending is what you make it out to be. But in our minds, right now, our happy ending is achieving our family. And ideally, sooner than later. I personally think we have waited long enough, but the big man upstairs must disagree with me. Right now, we are in total “limbo” mode as to what is even going on with our clinic, another FET, etc. We have no set plan of action. Time just keeps on. And as it does, we are bombarded with the announcements of others pregnancies, deliveries, IUI, IVF, and FET cycles gearing up. Shoot, most of our friends are going on having their 2nd, 3rd, even 4th kid. And here we are, still dying just for 1. 1 pregnancy that can make it full term and yield a healthy baby. Just 1.
I’ve been reading a lot of posts about couples who tried for years upon years to conceive, went on to do IUI’s that failed, then finally did IVF, and got their miracle baby on the first try. In other words, they got their “happy ending.” I see less and less of the stories of couples who are in our shoes getting their happy ending. And to be honest, it is hard not to get discouraged. Where are all the happy endings of those who have tried on their own for many years, failed IUI’s, and then recurrently miscarried off IVF’s? If you are reading this, and it’s you, please share!
This morning, we got this….
That’s right, a BFN. Stark white. I tested on day 26 of my cycle, so technically I am 2 days early. That doesn’t matter though. I know I’m not pregnant. I have been pregnant before, and thus, I know what it feels like. Plus, I have studied HCG levels enough to know that I should have at least 25ml in my system by now to show even the faintest line on a test using fresh morning urine. Negative.
We did the deed as we should, I ovulated as I should, and a few days after ovulation, I even felt dizzy! Dizziness is a tell tale sign for me that I am pregnant early on (like during implantation early on). And, for one split second, I thought it actually could have worked. My husband told me he thought I was pregnant for sure. What a great Fathers Day/Bday present that would have been for him!
It’s been awhile since we have felt the monthly highs and lows of TTC at home, praying day in and day out that Aunt Flow will take a long vacation. Can I tell you how quickly I am reminded how much I don’t miss it? Anyone who has played this game knows exactly what I am talking about. Timed intercourse. Examining CM. Tracking your body temperature. Thinking this month is THE month, watching everything you eat, analyzing every little twinge you feel, dreaming of what a miracle it would be if this wish could just come true. Imagining what it would be like after all we have been through to just have it happen on our own at home, just like that? Well, not this time. Who were we kidding? There will be no happy ending for us yet again this month.