Life After Loss

I have been pondering a question for quite some time now…Is there ever such a thing as officially being in the “safe zone” when pregnant? A place far, far away from the throes of miscarriage? A place where you no longer worry about losing the life inside of you?

Each one of our losses has been entirely different from the last. Before our first loss, we honestly didn’t even think of miscarrying once we FINALLY became pregnant via IVF.  All we wanted was to

Get those 2 pink lines

We got those 2 lines, but not for long. Unfortunately, we miscarried. In all actuality, we pretty much lost that pregnancy before it even began.  We had low, slowly rising HCG levels to begin with. So when we moved forward to our 2nd IVF go round, our mindset was, “If our HCG levels come back decent, and at least double every 48 hours, then this pregnancy will be surely be safe.”

Get high, quickly rising betas

All of our numbers came back beautifully with IVF pregnancy #2- 301, 776,1800, 4300. Progesterone over 70.  The HCG levels were not only doubling, they were increasing by over 100%.  We were ecstastic. However, the day after my beta hit its highest, we miscarried. We still to this day don’t really know why.  We were under the impression that HCG increasing as ours did indicated a pregnancy progressing as it should. Wrong. 

Moving forward to IVF #3, we realized that high, rising levels would not mean much to us if we fell pregnant again; we had been so naive to think that these alone guarantee a pregnancy progressing.  We soon remembered that there are no guarantees in this ugly IF and RPL war. 

Get to the first ultrasound 

Well, pregnancy number 3 brought those high, rising HCG & progesterone levels just as #2 did, but these didn’t reassure us as they had before. We were smarter now. We had learned our lesson; we wanted more.  This time we felt the ultrasound would be the only possible reassurance that we were in the so-called “safe zone,” especially after I started bleeding very early on with pregnancy #3. Seeing that blood was just a sick reminder of loss #2.

We went in for our first ultrasound early due to the bleeding, & it gave us the relief we were searching for for so long- heartbeats. Not one, but two. Followed by the words which still ring ever so clearly, “the chances of miscarriage at this stage, after seeing a healthy heartbeat & correct measurements are only 5%, and the chances of you miscarrying 3 times in a row, only 1%.”  This being said, surely we had to be safe now, we had never made it this far!  God forbid, one of the babies didnt make it, surely the other one would. Wrong. 

We miscarried 3 weeks after that first ultrasound, after seeing our babies growing week after week. What are the chances right? Four ultrasounds later, we fell into the dreaded, minuscule 1% of the population.  This being said, even ultrasounds could no longer provide a “safe zone” for us. At just shy of 10 weeks pregnant, almost ready to announce our pregnancy to the world, it was over.  

Since this late first trimester loss, I have met way too many women who have miscarried at 14 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, even 25 weeks or later, losing their beautiful babies far too soon.  Most of them I have met right here on this blog.  These are some of the strongest women I know. 

Getting to bring our baby home

That is the only safe zone we see.  There is no such thing as being in a “pregnancy safe zone” in our eyes. Thanks to our unfortunate experiences, we are smarter now.  Maybe even a little too smart because of what we have endured & seen others endure. While I truly wish it wasn’t this way, it is. 

However, for now, we choose to make the best of what we have been dealt.  Fear can be crippling if you allow it to be. And although we are firm believers in God & the peace he gives, it still scares us to death to think of the possibility of losing pregnancy #4 one day.  All we can do is continue to take it to him in prayer as we always do.