Just One of Them Days…

That a girl goes through. When I’m angry inside, dont wanna take it out on you. Some of you might be singing along to this throwback Monica 90’s jam right now. The song seemed fitting for today, as today is just one of those days. 

Today is a lock yourself in the bathroom and cry your eyes out kind of day. Scream at that bathroom for all the times you have seen a positive test with those 2 pink lines, only to have it all ripped away. 

Today you feel like everyone has turned their back on you even when they probably haven’t. They all think you are so strong! They naively think careers, and friendships, and marriages don’t hurt from what you have endured. You feel so alone. And you think, why me? Why us? You think of everyone and everything you have lost. Its so very hard today.

You see everyone so very happy with their families. You cant help but feel angry. And you just don’t understand why you have to walk this incredibly unfair path. You regret every bad decision you ever made, and you blame yourself for RPL and infertility. You wish you could start over, but you cant. You are now tainted and forever scarred. 

How do you go on? It even feels like God himself cant hear you at these times, even though you know he surely can. How much can 1 person endure? You wonder will it always be this way? And so, you stare at the bathroom floor as you sob. U waste yet another beautiful day feeling bad for yourself. And you don’t care. Its just too hard today. 

But as always, you wait until the tears dry and the puffy eyes and red nose go away. And once they eventually do, you leave that bathroom, pull yourself together, and do your best to move on.  Put a smile on your face & act like its all OK. God only knows how many times you have silently gone through this sick routine. And today, my friends, is just one of those days.