The day I heard the words, “there isn’t a heartbeat anymore,” was the day I came home & unleashed my wrath. I wrote a little bit about this in a prior post (under IVF #3). It detailed how I threw out worn maternity clothes, baby bump stickers, baby name books, medications, pretty much anything pregnancy related was in the TRASH.
What I failed to mention was what I destroyed virtually. I had spent years creating secret baby boards on Pinterest. I had them all categorized beautifully, just like all of my other boards. Baby names, boy nursery, girl nursery, baby shower, gender reveal, maternity clothes, bringing home baby, teething, etc. I had spent so much time on them, I had even progressed into boards detailing the toddler/childhood years. Books, chores, food, behavior, getting off baby weight, blah, blah, blah!
I had just made these secret boards public about a week before the dreaded ultrasound. I still remembering teetering back and forth on whether I should click that “make it public” button. Before you click it, it says “you cannot undo this change once it has been made.” In other words, there is no switching back from a public board to a private one. I finally took the plunge with pregnancy #3 & let it go viral. For me, it was one way of indirectly telling the world I was finally preggo. I was dying to spill the beans someway, somehow, & this helped a little. I had never been this brave before.
Well, that all went to crap as soon as we had that dreaded ultrasound in early February. With the click of a button, years worth of family planning was gone. DELETE. I deleted every single, recently publicized baby board. And to be honest, I hadn’t really thought of it until this week. All that was lost on there hadn’t crossed my mind. I shared with my husband how part of me regrets it now, even though I know at the time it was exactly what I needed to do. On that hideous day, I also deleted all of our baby name lists off of my phone notepad. We had spent so many years making that list, and I deleted it without any hesitation. I can still remember how angry I was when I did it, too.
The truth of the matter is I think that these recent thoughts about what I deleted might be good signs…I am slowly starting to think about the things that I didn’t think twice about getting rid of before. It doesn’t hurt to the point of me bawling my eyes out when I think of those boards or names anymore. Am I still hurting? Of course. But I believe I am healing, little by little. These thoughts are giving me hope for a fresh start. All new boards, all new names, all things new? One day.
Revelations 21:5 “Behold, I am making all things new.”