Hard to believe the month of May is here. How could I forget that everything takes forever in the world of IVF and RPL. Our FET was in December, and we were pregnant until February. I got my first period after the loss in late March, and now 28 days later, here we are, back on the usual schedule with Aunt Flow.
This is the first back to back 28 day menstrual cycle I have had since my October to November cycle in 2014. So, technically, this is the 1st month we could have seen a positive pee test and I could have been pregnant again. Thats if I wasnt on the pill, we were blessed to be able to conceive on our own, & I wasnt scheduled to get a uterine mass removed in a few short days. Sigh.
Anyways, I dont know if I should be happy for the regularity of my cycle or not. Its a love hate relationship for sure. I always worry that after another miscarriage my cycles will be screwed up permanently, or that I might stop getting them altogether. I feel bad for the women who arent regular because I know thats a whole issue in itself. So part of me is thankful to have her back.
But then on the other hand, I hate Aunt Flow and everything about her. I think I might have a ligit fear of blood thanks to RPL. I cant stomach the sight of it when I go to the bathroom now, pregnant or not. I also despise the idea of how I am supposed to be pregnant, and she is just another constant physical reminder that I am not. Its not that I am in denial about my current state of physical being, because Im not. A period is simply a mental battle each month that infertiles and RPL victims can relate to.
Pretty ironic this state of hating my period. When I was young, before this infertility journey began, I used to pray Aunt Flow would come every month. Im sure many of you did the same. Its hard not to look at the decisions we made back then as some form of retribution now. I know God keeps no record of wrongs, but I also know you reap what you sow. Im working on trying to stop thinking that our present situation is the way it is because of how we lived in the past. Not easy.