A Pre-operative State of Mind

 

I cant even lie. Sometimes I really feel infertility and RPL have gotten the best of me. Eventually, I snap out of it, and realize thinking that way is a big, fat, ridiculous lie. But it still crosses my mind often. 

Infertility and RPL are just so draining! With each of the diseases (which they both are) come all of the tests and procedures that go with them.  Yuk. 

Speaking of procedures, my operative hysteroscopy is less than a week away.  Tick tock, tick tock. My feelings about it are totally mixed, but I am mostly nervous. Nervous she wont be able to get rid of the mass. Nervous she will make a mistake, as she is just a human. Nervous for more bad news.

Another part of me is incredibly annoyed. Annoyed to go to the hospital again-I really dislike the place.  Annoyed to go under anesthesia for the 5th time this year.  Unreal I had to just count the times out. Annoyed to be poked and proded for no exciting reason, and yet again, put on all that pitiful attire (see image above!). 

Then there’s the part of me that is looking forward to it, as crazy as that sounds. Finally, we could be getting an answer to our RPL! After 3 IVF’s & 3 miscarriages, could we really be fixing what’s broke here? If so, this means we are 1 step closer to bringing our baby home! 

However, as soon as I say that, I feel foolish. I start to protect myself. I force myself to think that this surgery cant possibly be the answer at all. If you dont expect anything, you cant be that disappointed right? I hate this way of thinking, but its a natural defense mechanism. Thanks alot, RPL. 

So as you can see, I am pretty much all over the place with my pre-operative state of mind.  Wish me luck! And of course, most importantly, prayers.