Marriage…with or without a Baby Carriage

Is infertility tough on a marriage? Absolutely.  Is there a flip side to that?  Can infertility actually be good for a marriage? Absolutely.  There is no doubt that being infertile has made our marriage stronger.

Before we struggled with infertility, our life together was fairly easy, and by the book for the most part.  We dated, broke up, got back together, relocated, moved in together, got engaged, bought a dog, got married, bought a house. It wasn’t until we started trying to have a baby that we experienced real struggle in our marriage.  Up to that point, we had assumed we would fall pregnant rather easily and quickly.  We thought having a family was just the next step in a series of events that people embark on as they share their lives together.

We were wrong.  God had a different plan for us.  Little did we know, our marriage would be put to the test.  Initially, upon finding out we were “infertile,” we disagreed a lot.  Neither one of us ever wanted to do IVF & in all honesty, I don’t think we really thought we would need to.  We figured that it would just happen regardless of what these crazy doctors told us.  However, after a while, I knew these doctors were not that crazy.  He, on the other hand, tried to fight it.  And so the arguing began.

We bickered about our lifestyles, and changes that needed to be made due to our infertility.  We argued about timing.  We fought about the finances involved in fertility treatments.  We disagreed about the doctors we saw.  We even bumped heads about what we would tell others when they blurted out the dreaded question, “when are you having kids?” or “what are you waiting for?”  We went back and forth about appointment dates and times, and work schedules.  Looking back, all of it seemed so overwhelming to us.

NIAW

Many couples never have to endure these trials.  Making a baby is supposed to be easy and fun isn’t it? But our fate was different.  We did have to endure these trials.  There were many nights we went to bed angry.  There were many nights we both questioned if we were meant to be together since we couldn’t have a child together naturally. I am telling you the raw truth-all the things many infertile couples think and say to one another, but hesitate to tell the rest of the fertile world.

Finally, there came a point when we realized we had to both be completely united in this journey.  That it wasn’t either one of our “faults.”  That there was no easy way to accept this was the path we had to walk.  The choice now became whether or not we would come out of this journey stronger or not.

Gradually, we started appreciating each other more.  We began noticing that we had been taking each other for granted at times, perhaps because we got comfortable being together for so long.  We were suddenly seeing how we were living, and how we could both do better.  We started growing closer than we had been in years. The decisions started to come easier; no pointing the finger, no quarreling anymore over the many steps in the journey. So, the question is, how did this transformation take place?

Nothing short of giving our relationship over to God.  In the darkest times, we began reading our bibles together daily. We did devotionals everyday as well (there is a picture of my favorite one at the bottom…get it!!). We were praying for each other, and with each other, something we had never done.  We understood we were not alone in this journey, we were together.  Everyday, our marriage was getting stronger.  All thanks to infertility, and God, of course.

It is finally clear to us now that God has been preparing us for our future.  What if we hadn’t experienced this ongoing war with infertility? What if it had just been easy for us? Would we be as close as we are today? Would we have made it? Would we be grounded enough to survive what lies ahead 15 or 20 years down the road?

I do not know, and I wouldn’t change things to find out.  That’s right-I wouldn’t trade the infertility, or recurrent miscarriages to see what our life would look like without it.  Why? Because through all of this, we have found that we can handle any obstacle thrown our way. NOTHING can tear us apart.  In fact, these challenges only make us, and our future family, all the stronger.

I love my husband, and I am so blessed that God is allowing us to walk this road with one another.  I am so thankful that he has brought us closer; closer to each other and to him. More than ever before, we are firmly believing that the blessings he has in store for our future are truly immense.

If I could give any advice to couples out there, infertile or not, it would be to spend time really working on your marriage. You and your husband have to be each other’s top priority, so you can withstand all of the trials that may come your way. Having kids is a true blessing, but it will not protect or save your marriage.  Only the two of you, and God can do that.

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