Moving Forward

A few days ago, as I was searching ever so feverishly for a nail file in my vanity drawer, I came across this note that I had saved from my father.  

Seemed pretty fitting for our current situation. This month passing by without being pregnant sadly marks the end of our chance to have a child in 2015. And it cuts like a knife. 

The note made me remember how true it is that many times we don’t get why things like this are the way they are, but that doesnt mean we have to give up.  God is getting ready to do the biggest work of all when things seem to be the worst. I think what really hit home the most was the part that told me to follow my ❤️ and follow through. 

Keeping this in mind, Shane & I sat down & had some well needed conversations, primarily focused on following our hearts.  For us, as crazy as it may sound, that came down to not giving up our quest to have our family.  

So, we narrowed our options down even further; down to just 3 to be exact. This was by no means easy-plenty of why us, followed by what if’s, and some wtf’s. FYI: Just because we have decided to take a few of these options off the table right now, doesn’t mean we won’t reconsider them down the road.

Option 1: Don’t try at all anymore, ever. 

Status: Off the table, for now.

Reasoning: This option doesn’t seem right, simply due to the fact we are still buying pregnancy tests! Actions speak louder than words.


Option 2: Take a long break  

Status: Off the table, for good.   

Reasoning: What’s the point in taking a long break, only to have a plan to eventually try one day again? Maybe if we were 20, and hadnt been trying just short of a decade soon. I will be 33 this year, and Im not getting any younger, so please dont tell me how “young” I am. I have had my period since I was 9.  Yeah, you heard me right, 9.  That’s over 20 years of Aunt Flow.  My mom was in her late 30’s when she went through menopause.  My new diagnosis of Adenomyosis also tells us that menopause isn’t that far out of sight.  How do I know? Here’s how-most diagnosed cases of Adenomyosis are in fact made in pre-menopausal women.  

Oh, and carrying a baby to FULL term takes 9 months.  At minimal, we are looking at our first child close to 34, and that’s if all goes well. Assuming things did go ok in the future, we will have a 2016 baby hopefully. But, if we so much as miscarry again, through another IVF cycle, we could be looking at being 35 or older. FYI: miscarrying takes time & so does IVF. A frozen cycle takes over 2 months (for us) and so did a later miscarriage. It took 8 weeks for my beta to reach 0 this past loss. You do the math, and thats at least 4 months. At least. Trying another cycle, means adding another 2 months.  So, now its been 6 months, and thats without even taking a month to get a normal period. If you did, it could be 7 months.  So, why take a long break again?

Some people have suggested that time will heal our pain, and maybe that’s why we should take a while off. We will NEVER get over losing our babies. Time cant change that. 


Option 3: Start trying on our own following my surgery (ovulation kits, basal, pre-seed, etc.).

Status: Still on the table!

Reasoning: Getting pregnant the old-fashioned way would be nothing short of a miracle, and who doesn’t want to believe that miracles still happen everyday?  Enough said

 

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Option 4: Embark in another FET following my surgery (3 embryos left) in a few months.

Status: Still on the table! 

Reasoning: We have gotten pregnant all 3 times we have done all 3 embryo transfers, so we think there is a chance it can work for us again.  However, because of what we have been through, the fears start rising quickly with this option.  What if it doesn’t work? If you are trying the old-fashioned way, you can just try again the next month.  Maybe you don’t want to, because it is tiring, but you still can.  This is a luxury to an infertile. Trying at home and failing, means you didn’t just dump THOUSANDS of dollars as you would if you did a transfer and it didn’t work. Then there’s the big one…what if we miscarry again? I understand that this can happen under option #3 as well.  BUT, if we actually got pregnant on our own and sadly miscarried, at least we would finally know that we could get pregnant & this in itself would be amazing (without any freaking appointments, drugs, or doctors). 


Option 5: Embark in another FET down the road. 

Status: Still on the table!

Reasoning: I might not be getting any younger, but our embryos aren’t getting any older either.  Cryogenics at its best!  Keeping this option around means we believe one of those embryos is our baby just waiting for us. If not, its just wasted time. 


Option 6: Adopt. 

Status: Off the table, for now.

Reasoning: Adoption is a great way for us to have a family, without dealing with our insane fears of being pregnant.  It is also wonderful because it brings people together who normally wouldnt be, and it gives a child a chance at a great life who wouldnt have had it otherwise. This is something we have considered, but we don’t think we are at the point to move forward with it just yet.  Thankfully though, no one can take this option away from us. The clock isn’t ticking.  At the end of the day, we both still want to know what our very own children will look like, and act like, and we know that adoption won’t take that desire away. 


Option 7: A surrogate **new edition!!

Status: Off the table, for now.  

Reasoning: We have been weighing the pros and cons of a surrogate down the road, versus adopting (if choices 3-5 don’t work out and it comes down to it). We wouldn’t do both; we would have to choose.  Cost wise, a surrogate/adoption are about the same. Again, we wouldn’t have to worry about me being pregnant and me miscarrying, which is a plus.  BUT, we would be entrusting someone else to carry our child.  Someone we wouldn’t be able to watch over 24/7, and who in the end, will make their own decisions when they are pregnant that affect our baby.   I have some other fears as well, probably because I have watched too many lifetime movies.  Either way, between adoption and a surrogate, we are somewhat leaning towards the latter, but I’m sure that could always change.


As you can see, we will be pursuing one of our “on the table” options sometime in our future. Until then, we will keep on mind that we are slowly making progress towards our ultimate dream…bringing baby home one day.

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3 thoughts on “Moving Forward

  1. I think this was a productive day!!!!! We always agreed on the topic of adoption and i remember when i called you pissed / balling my eyes out one day when a patient told me i was “selfish and undeserving of a child if i didnt want to adopt” – i too agree that Rich and I would want to do through the pregnancy journey and build those memories plus i would want to know what our baby would look like and who he or she would be come. I feel like you have valid feelings for that! Also Surrogacy! Very scary! I get “crap” DAILY about not dyeing my hair, not using tylenol, not using a heating pad, eating all organic, meditating, watching what i think, do, breath, and feel every second! But i take my job as a parent seriously and i just feel like i need to do everything 100% right just like you always do or i couldnt live with myself. Pretty much if it has a “risk” or a “side effect” or “chance” of something going wrong i dont even go near it! Im happy to see you guys worked out a road map and im ecxited for your next journey!

    PS: I could slap the person who said “time heals” – you lost babies, family members! Little lives created by you and Shane, time doesnt heal that! Yes it becomes easier to handle and deal daily as time goes on but your human and the most caring person ive ever met, you have a huge heart and those angels will always be in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Angela, I know that you and Shane are leaning on God, and I’m so happy that you still are, after all you’ve
    been through. He has a plan for you, you just have to listen for it. I think He is using you now to help other woman who have gone through what you have gone through. I talked to your mom this morning, and we decided you need to write a book……that would be a blessing to many women and men out there who have gone through the same thing.

    Keep up with the great blogs, I’m so proud of you. Love you, Sandi xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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