Why???

Why did we keep miscarrying was now the question on our minds 24/7.  I have always been one to ask the question, “why?” about everything and expect a clear answer.  I like to call myself a curious person, my husband likes to say I over think things. Probably a bit of both.

According to my mom, I have been asking why since I could speak.  I ask my students “why?” when they give me an answer, looking for an explanation to their reasoning. If a friend tells me a story, I ask why numerous times throughout it.  Annoying as it may sound, this is part of who I am.  I like to understand things thoroughly.  So not having the answer to our why was literally driving me insane.

And, how could we not be asking why at this point anyways? Here we were, 1 year, 3 pregnancies, and 5 embryos later (I won’t even say how many dollars) with no child.  We wanted some solid answers, dammit!  Was that too much to ask for?  I knew God had been teaching me patience throughout this whole process, something I never had before.  But now he was showing me I couldn’t always have an answer and be in control either.  When is enough, enough?

I was so sick of hearing how strong of a person I am.  Yes, I understand this is a compliment, and no harm is intended when saying it.   However, if this is what being strong in life gives you, then I didn’t want to be strong anymore.  Let me be a weakling I thought, so I don’t have to go through this anymore.

Since we were now officially labeled as “habitual aborters,” or “recurrent miscarriers” the doctor provided us with a RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) handy-dandy fact sheet https://www.asrm.org/FACTSHEET_Recurrent_Pregnancy_Loss/  This list was put forth by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), who are the most well-known and well trusted “go to” source in the world of infertility.  If it applies to you, I highly recommend reading through it.

Here’s where we are in our investigation of the possible proven causes of recurrent miscarriage according to ASRM:

• Chromosomal/genetic causes 
• Age 
• Hormonal abnormalities 
• Metabolic abnormalities (we will be checking my insulin resistance levels tomorrow!)
• Uterine abnormalities (SIS & HSG already done; hysteroscopy this week)
• Antiphospholid syndrome  (was on Heparin last pregnancy)
• Thrombophilias 
• Male Factor (we know this is an issue, but doctor says it would be related to chromosomal, which was not the case)
• Unexplained!!!

This leads us to believe we may officially fall into the dreaded, “unexplained” category within the next few weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, miscarriage is never easy anyway you slice it, but for us, it would be easier to identify a fixable cause rather than no cause at all.  This is despite the fact that statistically speaking (you know how I feel about stats), the ASRM says that 60%-70% of recurrent miscarriers, with unexplained miscarriage, will go on to have a normal pregnancy resulting in a live birth.

We are praying that the metabolic panel, and/or the hysteroscopy show something fixable.  But at the same time, we are well aware that they may not.  So the question then becomes, what do we do if we get no answers to our why?