The fluid was gone and we were feeling so blessed. Our transfer was on for the day originally planned. We went out to dinner the day we got the wonderful news, which was the night prior to the transfer. We celebrated the fact that God was allowing us to move forward with this FET cycle. I can’t say that we weren’t still nervous, because we absolutely were. For one, we were frightened I would not get pregnant. Ironically, we felt this way because the embryos had implanted the prior 2 IVF cycles and we thought it had to not work at least 1 time. Almost everyone we knew in the realm of IVF had at least 1 cycle that a pregnancy was not achieved.
And of course there was the fear that if it did work, I would miscarry again. I was especially petrified of this thought. My hubs is the most amazing partner I could ever ask for, but for a man, a miscarriage, or even the thought of one, is different. I am not in ANYWAY saying that it isn’t devastating to a man, because it is. I have witnessed this first hand. Rather, I am simply saying by nature, in regards to a pregnancy loss, men don’t worry or hurt the same way we women do.
We woke up the morning of December 19th, and had a big breakfast in honor of the big day. We didn’t get up super early because our transfer wasn’t set until 1 p.m. You heard me right! We had to wait all day. Our prior transfers had always been first thing in the morning, which was really nice. Less time to sit around and ponder all day. To pass time, we walked the dogs and cleaned the house a bit. I knew I wouldn’t be cleaning it for a while if I ended up pregnant. My house had pretty much been in ruins for almost a year now. Each time I had been pregnant (or miscarrying), I was off of my feet. My hubs tried to do the best he could to keep it clean, but my idea of clean is slightly different from his. And anyone who knows me, knows I like to keep a clean house (I take after my mother).
We also went grocery shopping that morning and stocked up on some food for the week. After a transfer, I was incredibly paranoid of doing anything that could cause the embryos not to implant, or even worse, if they did implant, miscarry. Normal things like cleaning the house and carrying groceries now became a concern for me. I know what you may be thinking-miscarriages don’t happen from things like this!! I am not saying they do… I am just telling you what is going through the mind of a recurrent miscarrier. Unfortunately, once you have experienced a loss, you don’t think the same way about being pregnant as before. Truly, you are tainted. Or maybe scarred is a better word for it.
1:00 finally rolled around. The embryologist came in and gave us the picture of our day 6 embies. Both had survived the thaw again! One was actually even beginning to hatch. The doctor and nurse came in shortly after. They informed me that I was the last transfer for the 2014 year. Then they asked if a medical student could come in and watch the procedure. At this point, do you know how many professionals in the field of medicine had seen my girl parts? Needless to say, we said sure.
You know the routine from here…dim the lights, fill the bladder, clean the cervix, and turn on the soft music. Begin the ultrasound on the abdomen, insert the catheter, locate the catheter on the screen. Make sure the catheter is in the right spot in the uterus. Call in the embryologist with the embryos. As all of this is happening around you, you are holding your breath so you don’t move a muscle. Think about how delicate and precious an embryo is. Once something happens to it, that’s it. There’s no repairing it or getting it back. This being said, I even began to worry I might sneeze. Sneezing became a fear. Boy, the things you take for granted sometimes.
Well, I didn’t sneeze and the second catheter went in with ease. The doctor released the embies and there on the screen we saw the 2 little bright white dots. We were all smiles as we held hands. There’s a special feeling, almost a certain kind of peace, that comes with seeing your embryos finally being placed in your uterus. When you conceive naturally, you never get to see your sweet embryos in utero. I say this only because if you are trying to find positives in a process sometimes filled with negatives, this is one.
After resting for about a half hour, we set up our first beta for exactly 10 days later and headed home. As usual, I was on bed rest for 48 hours, with all intentions of taking it easy well after that. Winter break had officially begun at work, and I was off until January 6th, 2015. With Christmas not even a week away, all of our decorations were up and all of our shopping was done. Really, all we could do now was sit back and wait, and of course, pray. The 2 week wait had just begun.
Surviving INfertility 