The First (and Second) Good-Bye

Well, after my 2nd beta came back at 30 , I retested a few days later as I was told.  Looking back, I know see that during those 2 days, I was in denial about the pregnancy not continuing.  Maybe it was just a fluke & will have quadrupled when I get it drawn again I thought. I spent endless hours googling, trying to find a story of hope for our situation.  I couldn’t find any.

The 3rd beta came back at 34.  Test again in 2 days.  4th beta still in the 30’s, along with the 5th and 6th.  We began to accept that it was over. I was more angry than anything. Anyone who knows me also knows I don’t like to fail at things.  Whether or not it was in my control, I didn’t care.  We experienced a lot of different feelings.  We felt dumb for believing it would work the 1st time.  My hubs especially.  He kept blaming the doctors. I didn’t want to hear people try and reason with me on why, I just wanted to be left alone.

slap-e-card

By now, I should have been in my 6th week of pregnancy, when beta levels are in the thousands.  Still no bleeding.  Nothing.  Just torture with serial betas. Then, when I had my 7th beta drawn, it had increased to 60.  My doctor did not like this at all.  We already knew the pregnancy was not viable, but something was still growing. It was now the month of May. Remember, we started this cycle in February, retrieved in March, and transferred in April.

At this point, I just wanted it all to be over with.  My in-laws had arranged a trip to Florida for the 1st week of May before we began our first cycle.  They planned to come stay with us a few days.  Of course, we were so excited because we knew we would be sharing our news that we were finally pregnant with them.  But instead, I was miscarrying the weekend they visited.  It sucked.

Even though I was now bleeding, my beta would not drop.  My doctor informed me that I needed to have a d & c. Originally, none of us ever thought this would occur with such low betas to begin with.  Initially, I did not want the d & c, but I started to feel really uncomfortable, my uterus was actually heavy at this point.

So, I had the d & c, and my beta that morning was 120.  The highest it had ever been, which in the world of betas is actually extremely low.  It appeared that the placenta was still growing even though the pregnancy was lost.  The placenta was sent out to be genetically tested, but since it was so early on the results came back inconclusive.

About a month after we lost our 1st pregnancy, we lost our beloved dog, Nacho, that June.  He was almost 17.  I was completely devastated, along with my husband.  Nacho was our baby and a best friend.  We had no other children, he was it.  We got him when we moved to Florida back in 2003.  I didn’t know how I was going to get through it.  We shed way more tears the day he went to heaven than the day we lost the pregnancy.

nacho
A beautiful gift from my friend, Jenna

Nacho’s passing made us realize that there is always something worse that can happen to you.  When you are in it, you can’t see it that way, but it’s the truth.  When we miscarried after going through months of IVF, and years of other treatments, we thought it was the end of the world.  This wasn’t the case at all.  Nacho showed us we still had our families, friends, home, our other dog, Rocket, our careers, etc.  You can’t take anything for granted because it could always be worse.  Always. 

We spent some time over the summer honoring our 1st child and 1st dog we lost together.  My hubs made a small box, spray painted the words, “Baby Fish, We love you” on the top in pink (he thought it would have been a girl), we put a few items in it, and buried it in our back yard.  We planted flowers that our dear friends had sent us when we lost the baby.  Soon after, we planted a Palm tree in honor of Nacho in our backyard and sprinkled his ashes all around it.

nachostree
Rocket at Nacho’s tree

Just today, almost 9 months later, the first new branch has sprouted.  I know it’s our little boy telling us not to give up hope just yet.

hope2

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